


Barriers

by darkestbliss



Category: Muse
Genre: AU, Age Difference, Angst, Fluff, Hurt/Comfort, M/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2013-10-02
Updated: 2015-05-14
Packaged: 2017-12-28 06:22:00
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 41
Words: 137,507
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/988749
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/darkestbliss/pseuds/darkestbliss
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Sometimes the little decisions we make have a bigger impact than we originally intended.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

I always walked at night. Never in the daytime, always at night. I loved it. I was always alone, save for Soldier, padding along quietly and obediently at my side, and the occasional car passing by. That night, however, I was completely alone and isolated. Soldier stayed at home, guarding the front door until I would arrive back in the early hours of a Saturday morning, and the streets were completely deserted. Walking at night had a different feel from the daytime. I could just be me, Matthew. I wasn’t the awkward piano teacher who lived alone at age 32 with only a German Shepherd for company and who wore colorful mismatched socks. I was just Matthew. I didn’t have to hide behind the music books or my long strands of brown hair, I was simply myself and no one else.

 

There was something about being alone I had always enjoyed. I wasn’t lonely; there’s a difference between lonely and alone that many people do not recognize. Alone means exactly what it says. You’re alone, no one is around you, you have the space to think and be yourself. Feeling lonely is different. Being lonely means you have no one in the world to go to. Loneliness means you are without others. You can be alone but not lonely. I was alone. I wasn’t lonely.

 

The weekends were fantastic for nights alone like that, the feeling of space and quietness. It was nice, knowing I could walk as long as I wanted, go wherever I wanted, without having to be back and well-rested for a long day of teaching piano. It was two o’clock in the morning; I had nowhere to be, no one to meet up with, nothing to do. So I walked through the city on a cold, quiet Friday night.

 

My small home wasn’t far from the busy center of downtown London, only a 15 minute walk, but that night I found myself in a different place. It was cold along the Thames River, and I burrowed down into my thick wool coat and tightened my scarf around my neck. The walkway was empty, and I walked along peacefully. It had been awhile since I’d walked along the waterfront, and that night seemed like a good night to do so.

 

I heard the water lapping at the edges, soft splashing echoing in my ears, leaving a smile to spread across my thin lips. Even in the middle of one of the biggest cities in the world, Mother Nature found a way that she could make beautiful music using the water of the Thames. I wanted a piano with me, right at that moment. The sound and waves of small hammers hitting strings would echo through the night, moving across the river, bouncing off objects it came into contact with. Nights like that, where everything became musical and perfect, were my favorite thing in the entire world. It was what I lived for: simplicity, beauty, and discovery. Nights like that were nights that made my life worth living. And it was on that night, a night of such beautiful things floating around me, that my life changed forever.

 

It was three o’clock then, and I had walked for the better of two hours. With a slight feeling of sadness, I left the Thames, left the soft sounds of Mother Nature’s music still floating to satisfy my wanting ears, and began heading home. I was finally aware that my teeth had been chattering the entire duration of my walk, and I wondered what the temperature was. My toes and fingers were frozen, and I looked up at the sky, half expecting a soft snowfall to begin and only add to the stunning beauty of the winter night. The sky was clear, and I could barely make out a few stars, always a treat in the big city.

 

I stuffed my gloved hands into the pockets of my coat, squishing them against the material to try and warm them up. I felt my mobile phone in the pocket, which gave me the reassurance that I actually had remembered to bring it and had not left it at home as I had done so many times before on my late night walks.

 

Then I heard a scream. That scream, that one high pitched scream echoing sharply through the stillness of the night was what changed everything. If it had been quieter, I would not have heard it. If I had chosen to walk my usual night route, through downtown rather than along the Thames, I would not have heard it. If I had continued to walk, ignoring the cry, a life would have been lost, and another life would have stayed the same, never changing from its typical routine.

 

I called out to the silent and eerily still air. “Hello?” My voice was so small in the darkness, and I had never felt so tiny and insignificant before. I suddenly felt silly, telling myself it was probably just a baby unable to sleep, or a young child having a nightmare in a nearby home. But then I heard it again, much louder, clearer. A small cry for help shattered the quiet night, and I ran.

 

Maybe it was human instinct, or maybe some unexplainable force that exists to put two people in the same place at the same time, but the only thing my mind was telling me at that moment was to run and get to the source of the cries. Full adrenaline pumped through my veins, and my mind screamed at me.  _Run. Run._ So I ran as fast as I could.

 

I ran up the street, where it sounded like the scream had come from, then slowed, trying to quiet my steps so I could hear better. “Hello? Who is out there?” I called again, hoping whoever it was would reply. A reply came in the form of a soft whimper, and I realized it came from the alley I was next to. I was scared; it was pitch black and I couldn’t see anything. I pulled my mobile out and used it as a light, the beams of light bouncing off the brick walls surrounding the alleyway. Hesitantly, I turned, entering the small alley. I moved my mobile upwards, seeing that the alley narrowed but never ended, entering onto the street behind the one I was currently on. I walked slowly and tried to calm down, feeling my hands shaking. The light from my mobile was unsteady, and I tried my best to control it so I could properly see.

 

“Help me,” came a soft cry. My feet stopped moving. My body froze, and I felt faint, like someone had flipped my stomach upside down and pulled a carpet from underneath my feet. I looked down, shining my mobile on the frozen cobblestone. I gasped and felt ill, seeing two skinny, bruised legs laying in the middle of the alley. My heart sped up, and I rushed toward the body. Tears spilled from my eyes as I knelt down next to him, seeing his face clearly for the first time.

 

“Jesus Christ,” I whispered. He was so small. So small and thin and hurt and beaten. “What happened?”

 

He looked up at me, one wide grey eye filled with tears, the other black and almost completely swollen shut. There was dark blue bruising around his neck, and I then realized that he had been choked. Despite the nearly freezing temperature outside, his blonde hair was matted to his forehead with beads of salty sweat. I looked down. He was shirtless, cuts and bruises covering his skin. I brushed my hand across a deep gash located on his ribs and he screamed in pain. I placed my hands on his chest, trying to inspect the wound as best I could in the dark. I had a feeling he was losing too much blood to live much longer. His right wrist looked slightly disfigured. My eyes teared up. He looked so young, no older than 25. He shook violently, sitting up and quickly leaning to the side. I watched in horror as he gagged, throwing up on the cold ground.

 

“What is your name?” I asked, trying to steady my breathing as I realized I had just come across a young man who had been viciously attacked probably only a few short minutes earlier.

 

He opened his mouth to speak, then cried out again, falling back down to the ground. I put my hand on his chest, feeling his rapid heartbeat. “Help,” he wailed, and those words stabbed me in the chest. His one good eye shut tight, and suddenly a protective instinct I didn’t know I had took over. I had to take care of him.

 

“Fuck,” I mumbled, pulling out my mobile, quickly dialing 999.

 

 _Please God, don’t let him die, don’t let him die. Please. Please save him._ I wasn’t religious. I hadn’t been since I was a teenager, but at that moment, I was trying to do anything to save this boy’s life. The wound on his chest was bleeding at an immense rate, and I prayed he would be okay, that it was all a nightmare that I would wake up from the next morning.

 

“Hello, 999,” said a woman’s voice from across the line. “What is your emergency?”

 

“This boy, he’s been attacked!” I sobbed into the receiver. My voice was shaky and I was suddenly aware that my entire body was trembling, no longer from the cold, but the intensity of the situation.

 

“Is he responsive? Can he speak?”

 

“Yes, he’s conscious and mumbling, but he won’t tell my anything,” I said in a rushed breath.

 

“Okay sir, that’s good, I need you to calm down, can you tell me your location?” said the operator.

 

I looked around, unable to see the street name from the alleyway, but I had a vague idea of where I was. “I’m in an alleyway near Johnson’s Books.” I put my hand on the boy’s chest, and his coldness numbed my fingers almost immediately. “Shit, I don’t know what’s going on!”

 

“I need you to stay calm sir, I’ll talk you through it and we’ll make sure he’ll be just fine. An ambulance is on the way,” she said calmly. “Now, can you tell what sort of injuries he has? Are there any open wounds or cuts?”

 

“Yes,” I cried out, suddenly cursing myself for my lack of medical knowledge. “Uhh, I think his wrist might be broken. And he has a really bad gash on his chest, it’s bleeding really badly.” I stroked the blonde hair out of the boy’s face; his skin was damp and cold to the touch, and I was worried he would die any second from loss of blood. “Oh my God,” I whispered. “Please stay with me.” My words were rushed as I stroked the boy’s face, letting him know I was there.

 

“Okay, sir, don’t move his wrist. Put pressure on the wound to stop the bleeding.”

 

“Okay.” I unwrapped my scarf from my neck and carefully pressed it to the bleeding mess. “Hey,” I whispered to the boy as he moaned in pain. “Don’t leave me, come on, stay.” I tried wiping the tears from my eyes, but they were always replaced with more. “What if he dies?” I whispered into my mobile.

 

There was a short pause on the other end before the phone operator spoke again. "What's your name?"

 

“Matt. Matthew. Matthew Bellamy,” I said.

 

“Matthew, I promise you he’ll be just fine. He’s still conscious and fighting. Just keep talking to him and don’t let him give up.”

 

“Okay,” I said softly. I shrugged out of my thick wool coat, shivering against the wind in only my thin shirt. I looked down at the blonde’s small, beaten body, and willed myself not to burst into tears. I quickly covered his bare skin with my coat. He screamed out, and I willed myself not to pull away. I took his left, uninjured hand in mine, rubbing it to make friction and warm it up. His fingers were bloody and bruised, and I began to wonder what all had happened. His thin black trousers were ripped to the point where I could clearly see his boxers, and his legs were completely exposed to the the harsh winter night. Black bruises covered his legs and he shivered violently. “Please don’t die, please don’t die,” I cried. His breaths were short and ragged, and I could do absolutely nothing about it. “Please stay, holy shit.” I put my head down, trying to steady myself.  _Now is not the time to lose control, he needs you._  “Shh, it’s okay, just stay with me.” I continued to gently squeeze his hand. “I covered him with my coat to keep him warm,” I told the operator.

 

“Good. Don’t let him sleep, he probably has a concussion. Keep him talking. The ambulance should be there soon.”

 

I heard sirens in the distance. I prayed they would find us. I couldn’t leave him alone in the cold, so I could only hope for the best. Relief washed over me as I heard footsteps heading our way. I looked at the blonde, feeling more warm tears rush down my face. 

 

“The ambulance is here, I can hear footsteps coming our way,” I said into my mobile.

 

“Okay, let the paramedics take over.”

 

“Okay, thank you.” I ended the call on my mobile and looked down at the boy who, to my relief, was still conscious.

 

“It hurts,” he whispered through a ragged breath.

 

I shook my head, tears falling quickly. “It’s okay, they’re here, you’re okay.” I squeezed the boy’s hand tightly. He returned it with a weak squeeze, and I smiled just a bit, knowing he was alive and still with me. “You’re going to be okay,” I whispered. Another ragged breath and a sharp wince from the blonde.

 

“How long has he been here?” I turned around, seeing three paramedics and the flashing lights of an ambulance in the street.

 

“I’ve been here maybe five minutes. He couldn’t have been here much longer, I heard screams and came to investigate.”

 

The paramedic nodded and stepped forward, holding the blonde’s arm out from underneath my coat. “He’s got a pulse,” he said to the other paramedics. I stepped back, letting them do their jobs. I sat shaking, the wind sending bone chilling shivers down my spine; I wished I had my coat and scarf, but both were bloody and ruined. My scarf was pressed against the blonde’s side, and I could see the blood seeping through the material. I watched as they carefully put the boy on a stretcher and loaded him into the back of the ambulance.

 

“Um.” I tapped one of the paramedics on the shoulder as he started to close the door of the ambulance. “Is there any way I could come with him? To the hospital?”

 

The paramedic caught my eyes, and gave me a nod and an understanding look. He must’ve known this feeling, the desperate need to make sure a stranger was saved. He wrapped an orange blanket around my shoulders and ushered me into the ambulance, right behind the stretcher where the boy was.

 

“We’re losing him!” came a shout. Tears tumbled down my cheeks and I trembled as the paramedic pulled me aside to let the door shut, the ambulance speeding off down the street, sirens and lights blasting through the city. I shivered, glancing down at the pale body laid out on the stretcher one last time. I saw them cover him in a blanket before a sudden wave of nausea overtook me. One of the paramedics pointed at me. “He’s about to go down!” I felt two strong arms wrap around my thin body, and then I blacked out.

 

**~**

“Mr. Bellamy?” My head snapped up, a bright light being shined into my eyes. I blinked rapidly, confused and disoriented, trying to recall where I was, what had happened. I sat up straight, remembering; the water of the Thames lapping at the barrier between solid and liquid, the sweet sounds of music, wanting a piano to play right at that moment, pulling my coat tight, wind whipping at me, looking up at the sky, stars, so many stars for the city, more walking, screams, running, pain, crying, calling, bruises, blood, whispers, sirens, pulling, the boy, screams, death, then nothing. Nothing but darkness. 

 

“Is he okay?” I asked in a rushed breath, feeling my heart speed up and my skin go clammy at just the thought of the blonde boy dying.

 

“Yes, he is okay, thanks to you,” replied the nurse who was now reaching to take my pulse. I let out a huge breath I didn’t know I’d been holding in and held out my wrist for her. I noted I was sitting on a hospital bed in a small room, everything plagued in a dim, headache inducing shade of white.

 

“Oh thank God,” I said, relieved. “What happened to him? Is he badly hurt?”

 

“Well, he’s still a little disoriented, aware of things, but not completely. A bit hard for him to come to terms with the situation, as suspected, but it appears he was gang-raped.” 

 

My stomach dropped. It was that type of drop where you literally feel like someone has forced a rock down your intestines and into your stomach, and you automatically feel heavy and ill. I felt faint and sweaty and cold and hot and tingly and nauseous all at the same time. “How,” I managed to choke out.

 

The nurse looked at me sympathetically, taking a thermometer and placing it under my tongue. I reached out to hold it and she gave me a gracious smile. “He doesn’t really remember, but the signs are obvious: deep ligature bruises on his neck, some internal bleeding, some tissue is pretty badly torn...” 

 

I whimpered, trying to imagine the pain, and my head rushed again as I ran the nurse’s words through my mind, ‘torn tissue’ making me squeamish, just imagining what had exactly happened. Had they sodomized him? Or was it something else, something I didn’t even want to think of? I felt light-headed, and laid down on the hospital bed, trying to control my breathing.

 

“Oh my God,” I whispered beneath my breath. “But he’s okay?”

 

The nurse nodded. “Thanks to your efforts, we were able to stop the bleeding from the gash on his chest. That was our main concern when he was brought in. Now is the hard part, the mental recovery.”

 

“Do you...” I hesitated. “Do you know his name yet?”

 

“His name is Dominic. Matthew, he’s only 23, he won’t say much about himself, only that he has no money, he lives alone, he doesn’t have an education-”

 

I couldn’t take this. “Please, stop talking, I can’t, I can’t handle hearing all this. It’s too much.” Tears trailed from my eyes, dampening the sheets of the hospital bed. “Can I see him?”

 

“Hey, Matthew.” The nurse looked into my eyes and rubbed my hand. “He’s okay, he’s alive. I understand, this night must have been very traumatic for you.” I nodded and she smiled again. “Let me just take your blood pressure, then you’re free to go. I’m sure he’d like to see you, he’s been asking for you. His ‘hero’ as he described you.”

 

My heart thumped loudly. I thought about Dominic as the nurse took my blood pressure. I thought about how scared he’d looked when I first came across him, how I’d squeezed his hand and received a squeeze in response. I felt like I had a connection with the boy. At the scratch of the velcro and the hum of the bed being lowered, I practically bolted from the room, anxious to see Dominic.

 

The nurse took me down the hall and pushed open a door, leading to another hall. I noticed these rooms were bigger, probably for patients with more serious injuries than fainting in the back of an ambulance. We stopped outside a room. Room 84. She nodded to the door, and I hesitantly opened it.

 

Walking into Dominic’s hospital room was one of the strangest things I had ever experienced. I didn’t know the boy, had never laid eyes on him before that night, but I had never felt so protective over someone before. I heard the door click shut behind me, and I shuffled across the room to where Dominic was. An I.V. dripped into his arm, and I leaned over, seeing his face in sufficient light for the first time. My eyes grazed over his soft facial features, the dark purple bruises on his neck and cheeks and his bloodied lip. His blonde hair was greasy and stringy, sticking out in every direction, and both eyes were shut tight. Still, he was stunning. 

 

Never in my life had I described someone as stunning. But that’s just what Dominic was. A beautiful man with beautiful features. Suddenly his age, the bruises, the pain, it all disappeared, and he became the man. He became the man that I wanted to sweep off his feet, the man I’d take on dates and fall in love with. But Dominic was younger than me. He was only a boy. I had only spoken minimal words to Dominic, in the fight to save his life. I didn’t know Dominic. Right now Dominic was broken and I’d do anything to help him. I  _had_ to help him. But I also wanted to love him.

 

Being gay was never something I thought was necessarily important to my life. I was the introvert of all introverts. I had never looked for relationships or companionship, instead finding that in the form of Soldier when I adopted him a few years previous. I’d had a few boyfriends during school, but it was never anything too special, just snogging for a few weeks and then the decision that I couldn’t handle having someone attached to me at all times. I’d never even lost my virginity, not that it mattered; I didn’t have to. I had my right hand and my fingers, that was all I needed.

 

But Dominic, oh Dominic. That beautiful blonde man, laying on the hospital bed, purple bruises on his face, cuts and scratches covering his gorgeous skin. He left a strange pull in my stomach, those dancing butterflies everyone speaks of that I had never experienced before. I thought of stereotypical romance, of love at first sight. Was this how Romeo and Juliet felt, pushing aside their hormonal teenage stupidity and carelessness because they truly felt like they were meant for each other? It suddenly all made sense; it made sense to the point where I understood why someone would kill themselves because they believed their lover was gone. 

 

I pulled a plastic chair up to his bedside and promptly sat down. His arm was laying next to him, stretched out, and I stroked it softly, avoiding the I.V. that was stuck into his vein. His skin was cold beneath my fingertips, yet soft. I continued to run my fingers over his arm and I shivered at the sensitive touch, our first time making contact that wasn’t in the midst of panic and stress. I saw him stir in his sleep and pulled my hand away as soon as he laid onto his side, facing me. His eyelids flickered, and soon grey eyes were staring into mine. Soft, beautiful grey eyes. I smiled, not really sure what to do, and began stroking his arm softly again. Everything at that moment told me to make sure Dominic knew he was safe and free from harm now.

 

His soft grey eyes flickered from my face to where my hand was resting on his forearm. I watched him swallow, his Adam’s apple bobbing rhythmically, putting me in a quiet trance. “Thank you,” he whispered, the words barely there. I dipped my head, feeling tears begin to spill once again. “Thank you so much... Umm...”

 

“Matthew,” I said softly. “My name is Matthew.”

 

He looked at me again. His eyes showed me everything. Suddenly, I wanted to kiss him and hold him and stroke him, for the rest of my life. I knew I couldn’t do that, so instead I settled for softly rubbing his hand and looking at him some more.

 

“Are you feeling better?” I asked, looking up at the drip. I figured he was on some intense pain killers, probably morphine. He nodded, and shifted again, pushing the hospital blanket down his body a bit. He opened up the hospital gown, revealing his chest. The deep gash was all cleaned and stitched up, but was still gruesome looking and appeared to be causing him some pain.

 

“This was the worst of it,” he said softly. “And then the tearing.” He left the word hanging in the air. I saw his eyes cloud with tears again, and without thinking about it, I let my hand travel to his face to wipe the tears away. He gasped a bit, and flinched away from my hand.

 

_Too far Matthew, way too far._

 

“I’m so sorry,” I said quickly. I shook my head, trying to clear my mind, organize my thoughts. Every time I tried to clear things up, stacking certain ideas with others, organizing the musical aspects of my mind into one area, the literal in another area, I’d think of Dominic again, Dominic in pain, Dominic’s eyes, and everything would be a scattered mess again.

 

“No it’s okay,” Dominic said softly. “I’m just, sensitive now I guess.”

 

I grimaced. My head pounded and I felt slightly ill, not knowing how Dominic was taking this so well. Despite that flinch, he really showed no signs of just having been raped.

 

“Why’d you save me?” Dom asked me, his words barely loud enough for me to hear over the soft hum of hospital machinery. I looked into his eyes again and saw more tears, this time willing myself to let him wipe them away rather than me. He didn’t.

 

“I heard your screams Dominic. I had to save you.”

 

“Why were you walking at night? Why did you stop?”

 

The questions were too much; I could feel my head start to cave in. “I had to,” I choked out, tears beginning to fall again.

 

Dominic stopped asking questions and let his head fall onto the pillow while I tried to regain control of my emotions. “I’m sorry,” he whispered quietly.

 

“No no, you’re fine,” I stuttered, not wanting Dominic to feel bad. He was the last person I wanted to make feel bad. “I’m not used to this kind of stress.”

 

“Me neither,” Dominic replied with a low mumble, pulling the blanket back up, covering the gash and the rest of his chest. He shifted downwards, burrowing in tightly. I figured that was his cue that he was going to sleep and my cue to leave. I stood up, pulling the plastic chair to the corner where I had retrieved it earlier. “Don’t leave me,” came a voice from the bed. My heart lurched at the sound of his voice; it was just like it had been in the alley.

 

“Okay,” I whispered, pulling the chair back to his bedside and sitting down.

 

“I want you to be here when I wake up,” he said softly, sleep dripping into his voice. A tear dripped from my eye again, and soon, soft snores rose from the bed where he slept, hopefully peacefully.

 

I smiled, watching his chest rise and fall with each steady breath, unlike the short ragged breaths he’d had after being attacked. Once I was sure he was asleep, I moved my hand back to his arm, where I felt it belonged. I watched him sleep for a few minutes. 

 

He was so beautiful. The type of beauty that made me feel terrible. He was young enough to by my nephew; Paul was in his forties, easily old enough to be Dominic’s father. I wanted to stab myself. My mind screamed at me, telling me this was bad, inappropriate, so completely wrong, just like Romeo and Juliet, everything running off of high hormones and lust. But it felt so  _right._ I felt like my entire existence was for Dominic; everything I had ever done was a preparation for the night I came across Dominic in that alley. There’s that cliché, “age is but a number”, and my mind told me that statement was so wrong, that I should never find a boy almost ten years younger than me so gorgeous. My heart, or whatever the thing is that controls my emotions, maybe another side of my brain I’d never discovered before, was telling me nothing was wrong. It was okay for me to find him gorgeous. And that was the thing; it  _was_ okay.

 

At some point when I was watching Dominic and softly stroking his arm, I had fallen asleep as well. My body automatically woke itself up, or maybe it was the soft moans of pain coming from the hospital bed. I told myself it was just my body.

 

I got up and went to find the nurse. Peeking into the hallway, no one was in sight. I turned back around, Dominic now writhing slightly in pain on the hospital bed.

 

“Shit,” I said quietly under my breath. “Dominic?”

 

“Hurts,” he whined softly.

 

“I’m going to find the nurse, it’ll be okay, hold on.”

 

“Please hurry,” he said softly.

 

Biting my lip, I walked into the hall. I willed myself not to cry; I had already done that enough.

 

“Hello?” I called, walking into what I guessed what was the nurse’s station. The nurse who had taken my vitals and sent me to Dominic’s room looked up and smiled at me, giving me some reassurance. “Dominic is in pain, I think his painkillers may have been used up.”

 

She glanced at her wristwatch and nodded. “Yeah it’s about that time, thank you Matthew, I will be there soon.”

 

“Thank you.” I walked as quickly as I could back to Dominic’s room. I found him still again, but small beads of sweat had gathered on his forehead. “Hey,” I said softly, taking his hand in mine. “The nurse will be here in a second. Shhh Dominic, it’s okay.” He murmured incoherent words and his eyes flicked to and fro; I could tell he was on edge. “Look,” I said quietly and reassuringly as the nurse walked in. “Here she is, you’re going to feel better in a second.”

 

“Feel like my skin is ripping again,” mumbled Dominic into his pillow as he arched his back upwards a bit.

 

I flinched. That was definitely not a type of pain I was familiar with.

 

The nurse injected something into Dominic’s I.V. and a few short minutes later he was relaxed again. “Feeling better?”

 

“Mhm,” Dominic said, his eyelids fluttering slightly. He was getting sleepy again. “Thank you Matthew, for saving me and staying. I’m sure your family really misses you.”

 

I gave him a small smile. “Nah, I live by myself. My neighbor who lives next door to me will take care of my dog once she realizes I’ve been gone for a bit. Little old ladies are great for that. I wanted to stay with you.”

 

“Oh, well, thank you so much. Really.” I could tell he was genuine by the smile he was giving me. A big smile with beautiful white teeth.

 

“If you want, when it’s time for you to go home, I could drive you?” I offered. “Unless you want someone from your family to pick you up.” I shook my head, my thoughts getting all jumbled again. “Yeah, that makes more sense, you probably want your family to drive you, not a stranger who called 999 for you in a scummy alley. Sorry, I’m a bit of a mess.” I gave him a small chuckle, then frowned when I realized that he was crying again. His head was in his hands and his body trembled with soft sobs. “Dominic?” I asked hesitantly. “Dominic are you okay? Does it hurt?”

 

He shook his head and wiped his nose. He fell forward, and hesitantly, not wanting to push it too far again, I put my hand on his back, rubbing small circles softly. He sobbed and let out a few louder cries, and I wondered what was wrong. Had I said something to upset him? He looked up at me with red puffy eyes, and the look I saw was not what I had been expecting. I was expecting to see pain and sadness, but instead I saw that Dominic looked ashamed.

 

“Hey,” I said softly. “What’s wrong?”

 

“I...” He paused and stared down. He looked almost embarrassed. “I don’t have a home.”

 

I looked at him, at his sad grey eyes filled to the brink with embarrassment, and I felt my heart physically drop. He had the look of a young child who came downstairs on Christmas morning, expecting joy and happiness, only to find the space beneath the Christmas tree empty, no brightly wrapped presents or gifts awaiting him. It was a look of disappointment, disappointment in himself for not having a place to live.

 

“You can drop me off at my friend Tom’s house, I guess. His girlfriend probably won’t want me, but it’s okay. I’ll manage on the floor or the sofa or something.”

 

“Dominic, where were you living before?”

 

He shrugged, and more tears fell. “Random people’s homes.”

 

I didn’t know what to say. I knew what I wanted to say, but I wasn’t sure if it was appropriate. “Do you...” I hesitated, not wanting to push it and make him feel uncomfortable again, but I couldn’t think of any other good option. “Dominic, would you like to stay with me?”

 

“I... I don’t want to intrude,” he stuttered.

 

I gave him a small smile which I hoped was encouraging. “You’d be the last thing from an intrusion. It’d be nice to have some company for awhile.”  _Go easy Bellamy, look at him, he’s absolutely terrified._

 

“I don’t know,” he said slowly. 

 

“Come on, at least until you find a more permanent place to stay?” I prayed I sounded convincing. I wanted to grow close to him and always remind him of how great he was.

 

“I really don’t know if that’s a good idea.”

 

“Dominic, please,” I somewhat pleaded. “I really care about you. I want to help you.” God, I wanted to help him so much. I wanted to make sure he always felt safe, had someone to protect him and watch over him, to make sure he would never again be in danger.

 

“Are you sure? I really don’t want to get in the way of your life, in the way of... Whatever you do.”

 

I gave him a smile. “It’d be nice to talk to someone other than a six year old for once. I’m surrounded by small children all day; I teach piano.”

 

“Oh,” he said, sniffling a bit, but nevertheless showing a small smile that had broken through all the tears. “That’s neat! What a fun job!”

 

“Yeah I enjoy it.” I realized I was still softly rubbing Dominic’s back, and I removed my hand with an awkward cough, trying to cover up the gesture. Thankfully, he grinned a little bit at me, obviously not bothered by my actions.

 

“Well, I guess it would be nice to have a place to stay for awhile, if it’s okay with you?”

 

“It’s absolutely 100 percent okay with me,” I said, giving Dominic a big smile.

 

Dominic’s cheeks showed a bit of red. I never found blushing to be something so beautiful, but that little bit of color sent a pleasant jolt down my spine, making me extremely happy. 

 

He shuffled a bit, giving me a sheepish smile. I smiled back, and he suddenly looked relieved, like he could tell I was being sincere.

 

“Thank you, Matthew, really, you don’t know me, yet you saved my life and are now offering me your home to stay in. Thank you so much, I honestly don’t know what to say anymore besides thank you.” 

 

I could feel tears begin to gather once again.  _Oh Dominic, you don’t have to say anything._


	2. Chapter 2

 “Do I  _have_ to learn scales?”

 

I laughed and shook my head with a small smile, patting the small nine year old boy on the back. “Yes Phillip. I know they’re not that much fun, but trust me, they’re going to make you able to play much more advanced and exciting things in the future!” I looked up at the clock, noting he only had about three minutes of his lesson left. “Now, I want to hear one C major scale played on your right hand, and then we will be done for today.”

 

Phillip sighed, then placed his fingers on the keys and played a nearly perfect C major scale, no issues or pauses whatsoever. I knew he could do it; the boy was very talented for his age, but he’d always been stubborn, forever wanting to skip the important theory concepts and go straight to playing the theme from Star Wars.

 

“See, that wasn’t so hard now, was it?” I asked the boy with a laugh.

 

He rolled his eyes. “No, Mr. Bellamy.”

 

I chuckled, then gathered his music book and placed it and some spare music papers into his folder. “Come on, let’s go talk to your mum now.”

 

He darted out the door, and I followed, handing his music folder to his mum. “He was great today, but he needs to be practicing his scales more often,” I said to her. I knelt down next to Phillip. “If you practice them at home, we won’t have to spend as much of our lessons on them. Then we can play the Star Wars theme more often, okay?”

 

“Yay!” Phillip cheered. “Bye Mr. Bellamy!”

 

“Thank you Matthew,” said Phillip's mum. 

 

“My pleasure, Amelia. Bye Phillip, I’ll see you next week!” I waved the boy off, then quickly walked back to my room. I gathered my jacket, bag, and keys, and made my way back down the long hall, waving goodbye to Gloria, who was busy typing away on her laptop at the front desk.

 

“See you later, Matthew!” called the receptionist.

 

“Bye Gloria,” I said back, exiting the studio and nearly running to my car. Rain started to fall down rather than snow, the weather surprisingly warm for early November. As I sat in the driver’s side of my car, nerves overtook me. Dominic was waiting. Waiting for me to drive to the hospital, pick him up, then drive back to my house to live with me. He was just a few short minutes away. My palms were sweaty, and I knew I was being ridiculous. It was simple; Dominic was staying with me until he could find a more stable place to live. That was it. This wouldn’t turn into some storybook romance where we fall in love and never have problems and live happily ever after; that's what I wanted, but it was also an incredibly far-fetched and highly inappropriate idea, with how much younger Dominic was than me. I had to be appropriate, professional. I couldn’t ruin this moment of helping a young man get his life back together with my attraction to him. I couldn’t, and I wouldn’t.

 

As I drove to the hospital, I began to think. I thought of Dominic, mostly. I wondered if he was scared, what had gone through his mind the last few days. It was Tuesday, and I hadn’t been able to visit him since Sunday morning. When I’d last seen him, he’d been in pretty serious pain, but the doctor cleared him Monday night to go home.

 

I parked my car in the lot, and looked into the passenger seat. A small package sat there, and I bit my lip.  _Should I bring it? Or would that be too much?_ I picked up the box, inspecting the label, and placing it back on the passenger seat. It could wait until we got home.

 

I nervously walked the halls, making my way to Dominic’s room. I opened the door and smiled, seeing him wearing normal clothes and looking somewhat comfortable for the first time ever, a short red haired woman standing next to him. He gave me a sheepish smile. “You want to grab an early dinner? Or head home first?” I asked him.

 

He gave me a slight shrug. “Whatever is easiest for you.”

 

I should have assumed he would be a bit... skittish. I didn’t want to scare him by pushing him though. “Chinese food work for you?”

 

He nodded. “Sounds great,” he said softly. The woman standing next to him handed him a small card. His coping therapist, I suspected. She gave his arm a squeeze, then left the room silently, not paying me any attention.

 

I cleared my throat awkwardly. “Okay, well, have you got everything?”

 

He looked around the room, his eyes remaining on the hospital bed which he had occupied for the better of three and a half days. I wondered if he grew some sort of weird connection with the place, despite hospitals usually having a depressing environment; it was the first place he’d probably felt truly safe and protected in for a long time. “I think I’m ready.” I nodded, picking up his backpack and a duffel bag which apparently he kept at his friend Tom’s house. It was full of a few clothes and some personal items, but not much; Dominic couldn’t afford much. “You want me to carry something?” he asked, reaching behind his neck to scratch.

 

I shook my head, eyeing his still swollen right hand. The breaks were minor, nothing too serious, but I didn’t want him to put any extra strain on himself that wasn’t immediately necessary. “I’ve got it. You say bye to everyone?”

 

He chuckled softly, bringing a smile to my lips. He had a great laugh, though I’d only been able to get soft giggles and chuckles out of him so far. One day I wanted to make him laugh so hard, hard enough that tears streamed from his eyes and his stomach began to ache. I wanted to hear that laugh, that sign of happiness. “I already said goodbye to the nurse.”

 

“Okay, well then, I guess we’re off.” I walked back down the hall, a little too quickly, immediately noticing Dominic was walking much slower. I turned around, seeing him a few rooms back. I thought about his injuries and it clicked. I moved back to him. “You need someone to lean on?” I quickly asked, hating to see him in any sort of pain.

 

“Just need to go slow is all,” he mumbled quietly.

 

“Okay.” I held my hand out to him, and he took it cautiously. We moved slowly down the hall and out the door to the parking lot. “You need help sitting down?” I asked.

 

“Matthew, I’m not useless,” he replied with a slight giggle. I smiled a bit and nodded, that giggle bringing just a tiny hint of joy to me. We both got into the car and drove away down the streets.

 

“I haven’t had Chinese food in so long,” Dominic said softly as I sat back down into the car, two bags full of boxes of chow mein, fried wontons, and sesame chicken in hand. “It smells delicious.”

 

“Yeah it does,” I said with a smile. “I usually just snack at home, I don’t go out much. I think I’m long overdue for some good, unhealthy, fried Chinese food.”

 

“Yeah you are pretty thin,” he said with a slight smile. “You should eat more.”

 

“I do!” I said, defending myself. “I just can’t seem to put on any weight.” I shrugged.

 

“That’s fine,” he said, letting out a tiny laugh. I was glad we were making small talk, I didn’t want to make him feel awkward or uncomfortable in any way. “It’s better than me, if I eat just a few sweets I gain a ton of weight.”

 

I took a look at him, noting how thin he was, probably thinner than me. I couldn’t imagine him being heavy, at all, though his build did seem to lean towards supporting a body with more weight and muscle. I decided to ignore the pull in my stomach that was telling me he wasn’t usually that skinny. I decided to keep the conversation going, anything to keep the awkwardness to a minimum. “I can’t imagine you during Christmas,” I said with a chuckle. I was met with silence from Dominic.  _Shit. Did he say he didn’t have any family? Fuck, I fucked up._ “I mean, with all the food and stuff.” I snuck a hopeful glance in his direction. His eyes were a bit cloudy, but as far as I could tell, there were no actual tears.

 

“Yeah,” he said softly. I decided to shut up after that, and the remainder of the short car ride was uncomfortably silent, the only sound coming from the turn signal and Dominic shifting in his seat every so often.

 

I concentrated on the road in front of me, and when I pulled up to the curb outside my house, took another look at Dominic. His expression was blank, non-expressive. “We’re here,” I said quietly. He nodded, and opened up the door. “Sorry it’s not much.” I looked up at my house: small, pretty old, no nice, well-kept yard out front like the surrounding homes. My neighbor, Mrs. Williams had offered to plant flowers the previous summer, but I hadn’t wanted to cause any trouble. As I looked at the garden I frowned. It was muddy and gross, and could probably use a little tender loving care. “The garden looks like shit,” I stated.

 

“Nah,” Dominic said. “It just needs some hope put back into it.” He walked forward a bit, picking up a potted plant. He placed the pot upright and stepped back, taking the takeaway from my hands. “See? Much better.” 

 

I looked at the pot, not really seeing much of a difference. I simply nodded, not wanting to ruin whatever Dominic had going on in his mind. I moved forward, quickly unlocking the front door and toeing my shoes off. I threw my keys into the small dish sitting on a table in the foyer, and motioned for Dominic to come in. He stepped through the door cautiously, looking around. My entire house was basically visible from the foyer. The stairs were to the right, leading to a small loft, the toilet, and my room, and to the left of the stairs was the kitchen and the living room. It was pretty plainly furnished, with light blue walls, a few paintings my niece had made, some random black and white film photographs of cities, and simplistic decorations, nothing too flashy.

 

“Make yourself comfortable,” I said, setting Dominic’s two bags at the foot of the stairs.

 

“Wow,” he whispered. I looked at him, raising an eyebrow, and he pointed. “That’s a beautiful piano.” I smiled. It  _was_ pretty nice, despite taking up almost the entire living room. The sofa, television, and fireplace were all very cramped together due to the piano, but I had to make do. 

 

“You ever play?” I asked.

 

He shook his head. “I played drums as a kid, but had to quit lessons due to money. I’ve always loved listening to classical piano though, it helps me to relax.”

 

“Well,” I said casually. “If you ever need to relax, I can play for you if you’d like?”

 

“That’d be great,” he said with a smile, much to my relief.

 

I heard shuffling from upstairs, and whistled. Dominic jumped back, but then let a huge smile spread across his face as a big German Shepherd made his way down the stairs and to the living room where we were standing.

 

“Dominic, this is Soldier. He might be a bit hostile at first, I adopted him from a military place, so he’s a bit protective.” Dominic probably never heard me; he was too busy smiling and giving long strokes to Soldier’s fur. Soldier seemed a bit tense, not really sure how to react to someone other than me giving him that kind of attention. “It’s okay Soldier,” I said. “Dominic is going to be staying with us for a while.” Soldier looked up at me, and I gave him a reassuring pat on the head.

 

“I love German Shepherds,” Dominic said, that big smile still spread across his face. That smile was so beautiful, and he deserved to always have it. “I think my nan had one when I was really little, I can’t really remember though.” He gave Soldier another long pet, and the dog began to relax a bit.

 

“Well, Soldier seems to like you.” Dominic smiled at that. “I’m going to hop into the shower real quick, and then we can eat, does that sound okay to you?” Dominic nodded, and I turned, leaving him still petting Soldier and smiling softly to himself.

 

As the water in the shower began to heat up, I stood in front of the mirror, staring at my thin, naked body. I wasn’t much to look at: pale white skin, pointy joints, gross ribs, wonky nose. I frowned, running my hands down my chest, twisting my nipples a bit, seeing if it would result in some sort of reaction. My cock stayed still, no movement despite the stimulus. Never being too into sexual actions had a few benefits, like not having to wank as much. There just weren’t things in my life worth masturbating over, despite the occasional times when I’d meet up with old friends who just so happened to be somewhat attractive, none of which were gay. My thoughts suddenly jumped, and I wondered if Dominic was gay. I felt a familiar tightness, and glared down at my cock just from the thought of Dominic’s name.  _Stop fantasizing Bellamy, he’s almost a decade younger than you. Don’t be a sick pervert._ Dominic’s grey eyes flashed across my mind, his big smile, that throaty laugh I was still hoping to one day get out of him. My cock sprung to life, and I grumbled. “Stupid thing,” I muttered, hopping into the shower and beginning to stroke.  _Let’s get this over with._

 

The hot water pounded into my back, soothing away aches and pains from craning forward everyday to watch children’s hands and judge their posture whilst they played the piano. I let my fingers pull and rub my cock, feeling over the slit. It didn’t take long, which I assumed was from my long, fast moving fingers, but also could have been from the small blonde boy occupying my living room just down the stairs. I moaned softly, praying Dominic couldn’t hear me, and released into my hand. I watched my come run down the drain, into the unknown. I thought about where the water went, if one day that water mixed with my come would be cleaned and filtered then used for someone’s afternoon tea. I gagged, pushing the nasty image from my mind, and quickly washed my hair and body and shut the water off.

 

I shivered into my towel, quickly making my way to my bedroom and pulling on a pair of boxers and a jumper from some tourist place Paul had gotten for me when he traveled to the United States a few years back. I looked down at my skinny legs, quickly deciding to pull on track bottoms as well; I didn’t want to blind Dominic with my paleness on his first night.

 

I trotted my way back downstairs, peeking out the window to find the sun completely down and a thick darkness beginning to fill the sky. I walked down the hall, glancing into the living room expecting to find a familiar blonde standing there. He wasn’t there. I looked into the kitchen: no Dominic. 

 

“Dominic?” I called, beginning to worry. Suddenly, soft snores drifted into the kitchen. I looked back into the living room, now seeing a little bundle on the couch, covered in blankets and a big German Shepherd sleeping with his head on his shoulder, his typical sign of affection and protectiveness. “Aw,” I whispered, smiling affectionately at the dog and boy. I turned around to the kitchen, and opened up the takeaway box. Delicious steam rose from the food, sending small scents of pleasure swirling to my nose. I turned around, grabbing two plates from a cupboard, then spun back around to find Dominic standing on the other side of the countertop, wrapped up in a big quilt that Paul’s wife had given to me for my birthday a few years back. I had never been a huge fan of the quilt, accepting it simply because of the kind gesture, but the dark blue fabrics were beautiful in contrast to Dominic, making his blonde hair instantly glow in the dim lighting of my house.

 

“It smells great,” he stated simply. 

 

I blinked rapidly, trying to remember who I was, what I had been doing before this golden angel walked up and appeared in my kitchen. I cleared my throat, moving to scoop noodles onto plates for both of us. My hand slipped, and a few noodles dropped to the floor. Soldier quickly jumped up from the couch, gobbling up the chow mein with his long tongue quickly. “That’s going to stink when he shits it out,” I said, not really processing my words.

 

Suddenly, a shriek came out of Dominic. I whipped around, worried he was hurt, only to find him bent over, clutching his stomach... laughing? “Oh fuck,” he giggled. “Jesus, shit, I’m so sorry, fu-HAHAHA!” I raised one eyebrow, curious as to where this onslaught of laughter had come from, not that I was complaining. It couldn’t have come from what I’d said, had it?

 

“You okay?” I asked slowly.

 

“I’m sorry Matthew, I just, I’ve been kind of sad these last few days, I found that really hilarious for some reason.”

 

“Oh, ha, well...” I bit my lip.  _So he found me funny. Fuck, he found something_ I  _said funny!_  The blonde was still sputtering slightly, and I let a soft giggle escape, finishing up dishing out our food. I looked around the kitchen, and the lack of a table. “Sorry, I just have this one bar stool. We can sit on the sofa, if you like?”

 

Dominic nodded, already popping a wonton into his mouth and chewing as we made our way to the living area.

 

We made ourselves comfortable on the sofa, chewing our food in silence. Dominic took a bite of sesame chicken and let out a soft groan. “I can’t remember the last time I ate a meal like this,” he said. 

 

“What do you mean?” I asked, picking a small mushroom from my chow mein and tossing it to Soldier who was waiting patiently at my feet.

 

“I haven’t been able to afford this type of stuff. I usually just take whatever they give me.”

 

“They?”

 

“The people I typically stay with. They usually give me things like flavor-less soup or leftover chili,” he said with a shrug.

 

“Dominic,” I mumbled, my tone a bit sterner than I intended. He looked at me with wide grey eyes, and I felt stabbed in the chest. “Dominic,” I said again, softening my voice this time. “Who is ‘they’?”

 

He swallowed thickly, the atmosphere of the room suddenly heavy and weighing down on top of us. “The people I paid, so that I could have a place to stay for the night. It wasn’t every night though, sometimes I’d sleep on the streets, if no one took my offer.”

 

“Dominic, you said you were poor?” I asked, honestly confused.

 

Another swallow, and a shuffle. His voice was barely a whisper when he finally spoke. “I didn’t pay with money.”

 

My chow mein slipped from my hand, dropping to the carpet with a light ‘thump’, along with my stunned jaw. I choked, trying to get air back into my lungs. Dominic was crying again, and Soldier had long abandoned the noodles on the ground, instead moving quickly to Dominic, resting his head on his thigh.

 

“Dominic, I... I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to-”

 

“S’okay,” he said softly between tears. He quickly got up from the couch. “I’m starting to feel some intense pain again. Gonna take my pills.”

 

“Okay,” I said softly, watching his small body move down the hall to where his bag was resting. I was sad, worried, scared, and even a bit confused, but it was mostly sadness which filled my entire body, eating me from inside.  _Poor Dominic._


	3. Chapter 3

The rest of our meal was eaten in silence once Dominic had taken his medication. I flipped on the television, finding some uninteresting nature program about deep sea creatures that I didn’t care about at all. I only paid half attention to the show, and for the most part, I observed Dominic eating. I saw him retreat back into his little shell, like a turtle who had peeked into the world for a few hours, decided he hated it, and then quickly hid away again.

 

When he finished eating, he wordlessly stood up and disposed of his leftovers. “I’m going to take a shower,” he mumbled.

 

“Oh, okay,” I said, hating myself for forcing him back into his shell. “Er, I left a towel out for you on the countertop.”

 

He nodded, and left. I heard his feet thump up the stairs, the swing of the door close, then the sound of the shower starting. When I was positive he wouldn’t be able to hear me at all, I let out a long groan. “Fuck fuck fuck fuck  _fuck,_ ” I screamed into the sofa pillow. Soldier cautiously approached me, and I gave him a small smile. “I fucked it up, Soldier. It’s the first day and I already fucked it up.” He looked up at me sadly, his eyes big and scared. If he were human, I’d expect to see tears clouding them. I never should have pushed the conversation or let my foolishness get ahead of me. It made sense to me; when you’re that poor you have to do anything to survive. It shouldn't have bothered me, I shouldn’t have overreacted like that. I fucked it up.

 

When I’d found Dominic, he just seemed so young. He was like a little baby, a small child that should never be touched by anyone, still dependent on its mother for everything, too small for the shit society throws out. It seemed impossible for him to be so young, yet have all this corruption. Maybe corruption hadn’t been the right word, but there was nothing else I could have used to describe Dominic’s past at that point. I’d never experienced anything exactly sexual, so to me, it seemed almost corrupt for someone so young to have that much experience, sexually; more than me, and I was close to ten years older than him. I figured it was normal, yet, Dominic, Dominic wasn’t normal; he didn’t go to uni and experience sex at wild parties with his mates. For him, sex was how he lived, to have a home to stay in for one night. I didn’t understand it, that shouldn’t be what sex is for. Sex should be with someone you love and care about, yet Dominic was forced to do it with stranger’s just for a bed to sleep in for less than 24 hours.

 

I was so angry, not with Dominic, but with myself, for making him feel uncomfortable and pushing him back into worry. It wasn’t his fault, nothing was ever his fault. “Fuck,” I screamed into the pillow again. I shook my head, making any attempt to clear my mind, and sat down at the piano, laying my fingers on the keys and beginning to play. Pretty soon I was pounding on the keys, playing low octaves with my left hand and fast arpeggios with my right. My body swayed back and forth in anger, and I could feel sweat begin to pool in the middle divet of my back even though I had just showered no longer than an hour before. My fingers stretched and pressed down hard, my arms tense and my body slumping on top of the piano as I pounded out note after note. I could feel the strain in my fingers as I stretched them further than usual and the pull in my back as I slouched down. Eventually it became too much; my emotions took hold of me and I collapsed onto the piano, crying into my arms as my entire body shook in a flurry of adrenaline and hormones. A wet nose inched its way between my face and the keys, and I pushed Soldier away, continuing to sob into my arms. Footsteps approached from behind me. I’d long ago forgotten about Dominic in the shower, only focusing on my own stupidity and guilt.

 

“Matthew?” he called softly. “Matthew are you okay?”

 

I turned around, eyeing Dominic with my puffy eyes. He was wearing the same clothes as before, his hair now wet and clinging to his forehead. Stunning. I wanted to punch myself in the face for allowing my mind to think that.

 

“I’m sorry Dominic.”

 

“For what?” he asked. He stared at the piano, at my body hunched over. I could feel my muscles still quivering and trembling, the tendons in my fingers stiff and painful. “Why were you playing the piano so loudly? I thought the walls were going to collapse around us when I was in the shower.”

 

“I’m so sorry,” I whispered. “I’m so sorry, Dominic. I made you uncomfortable, I wasn’t meaning to, I just didn’t think and... I am so sorry,” I said again, a tremble taking hold of my voice. My fingers shook, lying flat on the keys, convulsing sporadically. I lifted my hand to flick away a tear that had managed to run, and saw just how unsteady my hands were. “I’m sorry.”

 

“Matthew,” he whispered. “You have nothing to be sorry about.”

 

“Yes, I do,” I said. “I’m such a dick, making you feel uncomfortable like that.”

 

Dom shook his head and rested his hand on mine, steadying it. I looked up into his eyes, his beautiful grey eyes, sniffling. “Matthew, I was raped.” He shrugged. “You’re not a dick. I’m just really over sensitive right now.” 

 

“I should’ve been more careful. I’m a terrible person.”

 

“You saved my life, and if that wasn’t enough, you offered me your home to stay in. Matthew, you’re the last thing from terrible.”

 

“You’re not scared of me?” I asked carefully.

 

“Well, as of right now because of...” Dominic paused for a second. “Because of, uh, what happened, I’m a little intimidated by you, but no, I’m not scared. I’m grateful.”

 

I wiped my eyes again, giving Dominic a small smile. I suddenly jumped off the piano stool, an idea popping into my head, and ran down the hall to the stairs.

 

“Uh, Matthew?”

 

“Hold on.” I darted up the stairs and into my room, sliding to the floor and reaching my hand under for a box that hadn’t been opened in years and was probably covered with dust. I pulled out the box and lifted the lid, coughing as dust fluttered and made its way to my lungs. My hands immediately dove for the folder, and I lifted it out, screaming “Aha!” when the picture I was looking for was right on top. I ran back downstairs, and handed the picture to Dominic, probably with an idiotic smile spreading stupidly across my face.

 

“What is this?” he asked, taking the picture and looking at it.

 

“A picture of me when I was in uni. I wanted you to see how much of a dork I was, so that you won’t be intimidated by me.” It was a stupid idea, but I wanted Dominic to realize I wasn’t going to hurt him, that I was just a goofy guy with no fashion sense at all.

 

He giggled and looked at me. “You had bright blue hair,” he said with a smirk. He looked at the photograph again. “And you wore jumpers that had to be at least four sizes too big.”

 

“Yeah,” I giggled. “Less intimidating now?” 

 

He smiled and gave me a quick nod. “I like the blue hair, it’s... Nice?”

 

“It was a dare from my boyfriend at the time,” I said with a chuckle, remembering the moment, one of my rare times of social interaction during uni. “I never would have done it if he hadn’t dared me, but it kind of looked cool.” 

 

“Oh so you’re, um, gay?” 

 

I quickly flinched, my dorky smile switching to an uncomfortable frown.  _You spoke too soon again Matt. You always do this. Fucking things up as always._

 

Dominic must have noticed the twist in my facial expression. “It’s okay if you are!” he said quickly. “I mean, I’m gay too, obviously, I just never would’ve guessed.” 

 

I swallowed thickly, uncomfortable silence filling the room. “Sorry, if that makes you feel uncomfortable at all.” I didn’t want Dominic feeling like he wasn’t safe in my home, like I would take advantage of him.

 

“Matthew, stop worrying, please, I’m fine.”

 

“Okay, I just, I want this to work.”

 

He nodded. “I understand. I think it will, you seem pretty great.” I gave him a shy smile, my one attempt to not seem like an awkward 32 year old who was currently internally swooning over what was just a minor compliment from such a beautiful blonde. “Sorry, this is incredibly random, and sorry if this is an awkward thing to ask, but can you help me change the dressing on my wound?”

 

 _Hands. Shirtless. Hands on Dominic, shirtless._ “Y-yeah,” I stuttered. 

 

“It’s just hard with one hand, you know?”

 

“Yeah, okay,” I said shakily. 

 

He lifted his shirt off with no shame, exposing his chest and the nasty gash on his ribs, which was stitched up and already looking better, yet still painful. I willed myself not to drool, Dominic’s muscles fluttering beneath his skin. I wondered what he looked like in the sun: probably glowing, like a golden statue of some almighty god I wasn’t allowed to touch. It felt the same way now, there for my eyes and my eyes only, no permission to touch him, to feel his beautiful glowing skin. He handed me the anti-infection cream, and I squirted a healthy amount onto my fingers and gingerly placed them on the wound. Dominic gasped, and I immediately pulled back, not wanting to cause him any pain.

 

“No Matthew, you have to keep going, otherwise it won’t work.”

 

“I... I don’t want to hurt you,” I said softly.

 

“It’s okay, I can handle it. It just stings is all.”

 

I shook my head, and softly placed my fingers back on the gash, spreading the cream lightly. Dominic hissed sharply, but I kept rubbing. When the cream was rubbed sufficiently into the wound, I grabbed the gauze that Dominic had sitting ready for me, and placed it on top, then stretched the medical tape over, securing the bandage.

 

“Is that it?” I asked

 

“Yeah, wasn’t too bad, right?”

 

“Not at all.”

 

I rinsed my now sticky fingers off in the sink and wiped them dry as Dominic pulled his tee shirt back on. I saw a small package sitting on the countertop, and suddenly remembered that I had decided not to give it to Dominic at the hospital when I picked him up. I grabbed the box, and brought it out for the blonde who was now sitting on the couch, rubbing Soldier’s ears and saying silly things to the dog.

 

“Hey, Dominic?”

 

“Yeah?” He turned around, giving me a soft smile, and I couldn’t help but smile back.  _So beautiful._

 

“I saw these chocolates at the market earlier. I don’t know, I got them for you, to make you less nervous about living here I guess.” I scratched the back of my head and felt my cheeks flush bright tomato red, suddenly feeling incredibly stupid. Nobody buys chocolates for someone they just met. Dominic’s smile never faltered though, always so genuine.

 

“That’s great, I love chocolates!” he said, standing slowly up from the sofa and walking over to the other side of the counter. I handed him the box of sweets and he read the label. “Ooh, they’re French!”

 

“Haha, yeah,” I said with a small smile. 

 

“Thank you, I appreciate it!” 

 

I gave him another smile. Seeing his mood switch from uptight and hidden back to smiley and happy took some weight off my shoulders, making the air around us seem more relaxed and comfortable. I glanced at my clock, the time well into the night. I had to wake up early for another long day of piano lessons the next day, and decided it was time to go to sleep.

 

“Well, I’m pretty exhausted,” I started. “Er... So, if you want, you can sleep in my room. This couch is a pullout, not very comfortable.” I scratched the back of my head, a nervous tick I’d had since I was a child. “Um, yeah, the bed is better for you, since you’re still healing and stuff.”

 

“Matthew don’t be silly, I’m used to sleeping on hard wood floors, and this couch is fine. I’ll be fine, I’m your guest, I’m not taking your bed!”

 

“Okay.” I nervously scratched my head again, digging my fingernails into my scalp a bit harder. “Uh, you sure?”

 

“Yes,” he said with a laugh. “Goodnight!’’

 

“Goodnight,” I called back, already down the hall. I turned around, looking for Soldier, who always slept in my bed with me, but instead found him curled up at Dominic’s feet. I smiled to myself, starting the climb up the stairs.

 

I brushed my teeth and flossed quickly, then stripped down to just my boxers. I walked past the full length mirror in my bedroom and frowned at my knobby knees and skinny, muscle-less calves. I ran my fingers over the skin on my ribs, touching the ink of the dove a few inches below my left nipple. I bit my lip and wiped a stray tear that had traveled down my cheek. It left me just as emotional as the first time I had seen it, the perfectly proportioned wings and beautiful yet soft colors of the tattoo giving me chills. I loved the tattoo; most likely no one would ever see it but me, but that was okay. I didn’t get it to impress, only to cope. 

 

I shivered against the chill in the room, and moved to crack my door open, just in case Soldier decided to join me in the middle of the night. I hopped into bed and pulled the duvet up to my chest, moving to my side and shutting my eyes, sleep finding me quickly and filling my entire body. 

 

~

 

Our skin was hot, sliding against one another, soft moans filling the room as my hips thrusted forward into his small and willing body. My hands reached for his hair, pulling the golden locks and twisting them ferociously into my wanting fingers. He gasped, pulled me down and close to him, and our lips met in a frantic crash. I felt his teeth scrape mine, the lovely taste of his blood trickling into my mouth and mixing itself with our kisses which had shifted from gentle pecks to frantic snogging.

 

My hips rocked in a steady tempo, never leaving his body behind as the sheets bunched around my waist and around us. I looked down at the beautiful face of the blonde, moaned his name, then reached down, kissing him everywhere I could, sucking his skin and nibbling it between my teeth, leaving red marks to show everyone that he was mine and mine only. He whispered my name back, over and over again as I stroked his thick cock, never leaving it unattended for too long. He was coming and moaning my name over and over, the two syllables floating around the room then drifting to my ears, the sweet sounds like music. And then I was coming. I was coming and he was screaming. 

 

“You have to stop!” he screamed, our intimate moment turned terrorizing. Tears raced down his face, and his hair stuck to his forehead. I pulled out quickly as he screamed and cried out, kicking against me and pushing me away from him. I sat back, my skin feeling cold and clammy with nerves and confusion. I looked around us; this wasn’t my bedroom. Where were we? Freezing bricks surrounded us, a steady drip, a dumpster. The blonde was still screaming and I was crying. 

 

“It’s all your fault, Matthew.” I turned around, facing my mum, who had pulled me off of the blonde, still bare and screaming. “This is all your fault,” she whispered in my ear.

 

~

 

I sat up quickly in bed, wide awake and trembling. My bedroom was quiet, and I looked to my right, expecting to see Soldier. “Holy shit,” I whispered, feeling the sweat drip down my body and shifting to recognize the uncomfortable mess I had left in my boxers.  _When was the last time I had a wet dream? Uni?_ I shook my head, pushing the thought out of my mind. 

 

I ran my fingers through my brown hair, the strands sticking together from the sweat that had gathered there in the dream. My hands were shaking and I was aware that thick tears had dotted the corners of my eyes.

 

I flipped my duvet off my shaking legs, and quickly moved to my dresser. I retrieved a fresh pair of boxers, slipped them on, and threw the dirty ones in the clothes hamper. I decided it’d be best to check on Dominic, to make sure that had all in fact been a dream and that he was safe from any kind of harm. I also wanted to make sure I hadn’t screamed anything out in the dead of night that may have woken him up.

 

I softly stepped down the stairs and padded down the hall. I peeked into the living room, spotting Dominic and Soldier wrapped up together in the blue quilt. I smiled at the sight, Dominic’s golden hair glowing in the moonlight that streamed in from the open window, the night surprisingly clear and cloudless. The chocolates were sitting on the side table, along with the television remote and what appeared to be Dominic’s socks. His toes were sticking out from under the blanket, and other than that, he was completely covered from below his chin. I wondered if he was wearing boxers and nothing else, or just pajama bottoms and a tee shirt, and immediately pushed the inappropriate thought out of my brain. I shouldn’t have been thinking of him like that. Not when he was in such a fragile state and our relationship as friends was just starting.

 

Relieved to see that he was okay, nothing seeming off, I trudged back up to bed and fell asleep again, this time in a much more peaceful and dreamless slumber, no screaming, no Dominic. Peaceful, beautiful sleep.

 


	4. Chapter 4

**  
**

I overslept the next morning. It was a bad habit of mine; I had always had trouble falling asleep, and sleeping past my alarm seemed to be the only way to compensate for lost sleep from nights previous. I dressed quickly, and giggled quietly to myself as I first passed the mirror. My black, semi tight in the arse trousers did nothing to offset the stupidness of the completely idiotic looking jumper I sported. It was bright red, sparkly gold threads weaved in the sleeves with some smiling and dancing music notes stitched into the fabric. Had I not been a piano teacher for children ranging from five to twelve years old, I never would have let myself be seen in public wearing it.

 

I prayed Dominic was still sleeping, to save myself the embarrassment early in the morning, though I knew he’d see it when I came home. It was a short day at the studio, and lessons would be finished by noon. As I came downstairs, Dominic was already awake. I watched as he sleepily wiped at his eyes, probably trying to rid them of leftover tiredness. I gave him a small smile as I made my way to the kitchen and put the kettle on for tea, breaking typical routine and preparing twice as much water as usual.

 

“Nice jumper,” Dominic said softly from behind me. He had shuffled into the kitchen quietly, wearing track bottoms, a hoodie, and thick wool socks. He still looked gorgeous, with his blonde hair stuck up in every direction from (hopefully) a deep and restful sleep. I pictured those blonde strands wet with sweat, pushed up off his forehead in a mess of sex and sweat, panting beneath me. My cock twitched in my trousers, and I cleared my throat, trying to rid my mind of the inappropriate and sick thought.

 

I gave Dominic a tiny smile, attempting to ignore the tightness in my crotch, and turned to the now whistling tea kettle, spinning the dial on the stove to ‘off’ and pouring the hot water into both our cups. “You like milk and honey?” I asked the blonde, an unnatural squeak to my voice that I hadn’t heard since the early stages of puberty almost twenty years previous.

 

He shook his head, and I swore I saw a small smile twitch at his lips when my voice jumped up a few octaves. “Just plain is fine, cheers.”

 

I handed him his tea and gathered mine, in a thermos since I was running late and would have to take it with me. I cleared my throat, trying to avoid another embarrassing voice crack. “I should be back by noon, and then I’m going to drop you off at the therapist while I go to the supermarket, sound good?”

 

Dominic swallowed thickly at the mention of his therapist, but then nodded.

 

“Okay, well, erm, the telly remote is over there as you already know,” I said, pointing to the small table beside the sofa.  “And I guess just make yourself comfortable. I’ll be back later.”

 

“Okay. Bye Matthew, thank you,” Dominic called softly as I exited out the front door, giving him a small wave.

 

I felt awful leaving him home alone on his first day at my house, but I had to work, otherwise I would never be able to afford my home and food for the both of us. Plus, he had Soldier, who had kept me sufficient company for many years. If I could manage over three years, Dominic could manage a few hours. 

 

I was nervous for him though; it was his first official session with the therapist. He hadn’t spoken much about her, and I knew very little despite the fact that she specialized in helping rape and sexual harassment victims, specifically males. I was still trying to wrap my head around that; rape was so much more common for females, we grew up in a society that always provided tips for women and women only, how to stay alert from men, how to defend themselves. We never learned of men being raped. Never before had I even heard any stories of it happening. The thought that Dominic had been raped hadn’t even crossed my mind, not until the nurse told me.

 

As I drove to the music studio, my worry for Dominic increased. I was worried about the whole ordeal, everything he’d experienced, all in the short time of about six days. Mentally, he seemed okay. I wasn’t sure though; I figured he was probably hiding that from me, seeing as we’d only just met. I wondered if he had been crying himself to sleep, his sobs unheard by me upstairs in my own room, oblivious to the fact that the blonde was crying just one floor below me on my sofa. I began to get worked up. My palms were sweaty on the steering wheel as I pulled into the car park and turned off the engine. The tremble I had experienced the day before when I was sat at the piano was returning to my hands, and I tried to steady and calm myself so that I could focus on teaching properly. 

 

~

 

“Relax your shoulders, Charlotte,” I said a few hours later, calm finally beginning to settle over me and swirl its way around my body. “Piano doesn’t take a lot of effort, do I look like I lift weights in my spare time?”

 

The little girl looked at my skinny frame and shook her head with a giggle. I gave her a small smile.

 

“Now, relax. You don’t need to use a million muscles for piano.” She shrugged her shoulders once, moving the joints in small circles. “That’s it!” I coaxed and encouraged her as she loosened her tense back, her posture immediately improving and her fingers sitting on the keys in a much more natural looking position. “Let’s try that Bach piece again. Now remember, make sure you relax.”

 

I smiled as she took a deep breath and began to play, the change and improvement noticeable almost immediately. The notes on her right hand flowed together smoothly, the short, accented staccatos of the G echoing beautifully through the small music room as her left hand played smoothly and very relaxed. I let my eyes shut, my body becoming fully enveloped by the music. I had heard the short piece of music probably a million times; I gave it to all my students at some point in their learnings. But Charlotte was different from all my other students, seeing as she’d been playing for only a mere six weeks, was only seven years old, and had already mastered the piece to a point beyond beauty. She made it more musical than students who’d been playing for months rather than weeks. She was a genius.

 

When she finished the piece, I reluctantly opened my eyes and sat up in my chair. She was smiling slightly, and I smiled back. Calm took over me, all of the stress from the few days previous washed away by the power of music. “That was perfect,” I whispered softly.

 

She let out a giggle and smiled happily, obviously proud of herself.

 

“That was amazing Charlotte, I think you could be ready in time for the Christmas recital!”

 

“Really?” she asked, her eyes becoming wide with hope.

 

I nodded. The recital was usually set aside for students who had at least a few months under their belt, but she was talented enough that I could easily make some exceptions. She was more than ready. There was still about a month to prepare for it, and I knew she could do it.

 

“You’re the best teacher ever, Matthew.”

 

“Well you are an amazing student,” I said back, beginning to pack her music up. I handed her the folder and she excitedly ran down the hall to the waiting area of the studio, where her mum sat with a book in hand. I smiled at the woman, who I already knew I liked, even from just a few short lessons. “Looks like this little one will be ready for the recital next month,” I told her.

 

She looked down adoringly at her daughter. “That’s great!”

 

We exchanged a few more words, then I let them go with a small wave. I watched the woman and small girl exit the studio, dashing through the rain to avoid getting soaked on their way to the car. I smiled again, and sat down at the front desk in the chair next to Gloria, yawning.

 

“Long day?” she asked with a laugh.

 

“The hard part is still to come,” I said. “I’m taking Dominic to the therapist today once I’m done here.”

 

“How is he? Has he settled in?”

 

I shrugged. “Don’t really know. I mean, he was raped for Christ’s sake.” I glanced around the studio worryingly, glad to see that it was empty for the time-being. “I think it’s going to take a lot, you know, to get to him.”

 

She nodded understandingly. “Of course. He must be so grateful for you though, Matthew. You did a wonderful thing.”

 

“It would’ve been sick of me if I hadn’t helped,” I replied with a blush, not used to so much praise from people my age.

 

“Unfortunately, a lot of people wouldn’t have had the decency to do what you did,” she said sadly, hints of gloominess entering her voice. “And to offer him your home, that really is something. It’s incredible.”

 

“Well...” I sighed, giving a weak shrug of my shoulders. “I couldn’t leave him... You know, after...”

 

“I understand,” she said, giving me a sympathetic pat and a small smile. “Just stay strong Matthew, okay? You’re a good person, and I’m sure Dominic will love you, just like we all do here.”

 

 _I don’t want him to love me like that,_ I thought to myself. It was inappropriate for me to think of Dominic sexually, but could I still think of loving him in a friend way? I didn’t see any harm in it, and I smiled, imagining us as good friends, sipping tea at a small café on a Sunday morning, sharing delicate yet delicious little pastries and biscuits, chatting, laughing, kissing.  _Kissing._

 

I really wanted to kiss Dominic. Even if it was just in a friendly way, or a fun night involving a little too much champagne, I wanted to kiss him before I died. I wanted our faces to dip side to side, that lingering moment before lips meet when breath is shared in a tense air, contact made with each taste of the surrounding atmosphere. I wanted to peck his lips lightly, taste his breath, connect to him.

 

I always liked kissing, even though I had little experience with it. It was something I had engaged in often with my few boyfriends previous. I was never sure if it was the tension of it, the thought that it could lead to something more, whether that be full on snogging, oral, or actual sex, or if it was just the action itself, the friction of lips meeting and moving softly against each other, skin snagged between teeth, along with the taste of the other’s mouth on your tongue, lingering there and expelling itself through your body and pouring into your senses.

 

To kiss Dominic would be incredible. I wanted to take possession of him with my lips, feel his soft skin and let him know he was mine. I’d place gentle sucks on his neck, sucks I’d never given to anyone before, and kiss him everywhere on his body, all over, but always returning to his perfect lips.

 

I smiled. They were just thoughts. It would never happen, but I could at least imagine what it would be like if it did happen. But it wouldn’t happen. I accepted this, and I slowly made my way back to the small practice room to prepare for my next student.

 

The remaining two lessons sped by out of my control, and before I knew it, I was driving back home. When I arrived at my house and was unlocking the door, Soldier trotted up to the door and greeted me in typical fashion. I gave him a pat and a nice rub behind his floppy ears, then pulled my shoes off, set them in the basket, and walked toward the living room where I saw Dominic reading. He was still on the couch with the blue quilt bunched up at his waist. I wondered if he had been there all day.

 

“You okay?” I asked softly.

 

He set down his book, twisting his body to face me, then winced. “Still hurting,” he said with a muffled groan.

 

“You gonna be okay to walk to the car?” I asked hesitantly, already beginning to think of ways I could carry him to my car without A) harming him even more and B) popping a boner.

 

“I’ll be fine,” he insisted. “Should we leave now?”

 

I glanced at the clock and nodded, and we made our way out to the car.

 

“That picture of you and that man at the beach, is that one of your old boyfriends?” Dominic asked once we were driving along to the clinic.

 

“What?” I replied, confused, trying to think of all the pictures I had in my home. I couldn’t think of any of me or old boyfriends I had on the walls. 

 

“It looked like it was taken recently, I dunno, was just wondering.”

 

“Oh!” I said quickly, flipping on the turn signal and moving into the car park of the clinic as I realized which photograph it was that Dominic was referring to. “That’s my brother and me.” I smiled, the picture of Paul and me taken last Christmas in Teignmouth on a particularly windy, yet fun day. 

 

“You two are close then?” Dominic asked, unbuckling his seat belt. 

 

“Yes, very. Erm...” I wasn’t sure how to approach the next topic. “If you’re still around at Christmas, if you want to, you can come with me to Teignmouth and meet him.” I thought about my word choice, relieved that it didn’t sound too peculiar. 

 

“I’ve never been to Teignmouth!” Dominic said with a smile. “It looks lovely!”

 

“It’s pretty boring, actually,” I admitted. “There isn’t much to do, and the mayor is a real arsehole, but it’s home for me. I grew up there.”

 

“Well, I’d love to go sometime. If that’s okay with you,” Dominic suggested.

 

I smiled.  _Dominic wants to see where I grew up. He wants to meet my family. That must be a good sign, right?_ “Like I said, I go there every year for Christmas for a few days, so if you still don’t have a place...” My sentence trailed off, leaving Dominic to gather the meaning.

 

He gave me a huge grin. “I’d love to, Matthew.”

 

Relief spread through my veins. I watched Dominic as he got up from his seat, got out of the car, and headed toward the door of the clinic with a slight wave. One hour. One hour alone with a psychologist in a small, probably windowless room, overheated, sitting in an uncomfortable sofa with hideous upholstery and a shelf of dusty old books that were probably written before I was even born. With a twinge of regret, something nagging and pulling at the back of my mind, telling me to go in with Dominic, to be there for him in the waiting room until he was done, I drove away from the clinic and toward the small supermarket a few blocks over.

 

Almost an hour later, the backseat of my car filled with bags of vegetables, spices, and various other food items, I drove back to the clinic. I walked inside, and followed the directory to Dominic’s therapist’s office. When I got there, the door was shut; Dominic’s session was still in progress. I sat down in one of the chairs, the fake leather squeaking against my black trousers. The room was silent, the air stuffy, and the overall environment was simply unpleasant. The wallpaper of the place was far too bright and covered with annoying patterns and designs, and its contrast to the mediocre, obnoxious, and way too colorful paintings made my jumper look pretty plain and uninteresting. I glanced at the table next to me, overflowing with psychology magazine and articles. It made me want to throw up. On the door was a sign. It read  _“Have you been sexually assaulted? You should never be afraid to ask for help, we’re here for you.”_ I sighed. The overall environment of the place was depressing. I wanted to dart out the door, sprint through the halls, drive home as quickly as I could, then curl up on the sofa with a hot cup of tea, a good book, and Soldier. I never wanted to recall this place ever again. But I had to, for Dominic.

 

I wondered what they were talking about and how Dominic was coping. He had yet to crack with me, which surprised me. He kept it all bottled up, which I didn’t think was particularly healthy, but what did I know? I wasn’t the one who had been raped; perhaps Dominic just coped differently than I did. I was very vocal and expressive when I was upset about things. I showed it. Dominic kept it hidden inside of him.

 

I heard the door creak, and Dominic shuffled out, closely followed by the red headed woman I had seen with him the day before at the hospital. 

 

“I’ll see you next week, Dom.”

 

_Dom._

 

“Bye,” he said softly.

 

I gave him a small smile and waved to the woman. I held the door open for him, and he walked out and towards the car lot, completely silent and emotionless.

 

“I didn’t know you went by Dom,” I said when we were driving home. Dom was silent next to me, and I took a moment to glance at him, his expression cold and blank. “Hey.” I slowed down and pulled to the side of the road, suddenly very worried for the blonde whom I now knew I felt some sort of weird connection and energy with. “Dom, you okay?”

 

He turned to look at me and my heart sank. Right as the first tear fell from his eye and his body began to tip forward, my arms reached out and grabbed him, holding him tightly as he sobbed and trembled in my arms.

 


	5. Chapter 5

**  
**

“Dominic?” I asked carefully. The blonde’s head was resting on my shoulder, in the crook of my neck against my collarbone, and I could feel his whole body tremble as all his emotions were unleashed at once. Little beads of tears and probably snot were stuck to the itchy bright red fabric of my jumper, and Dom’s sniffles echoed through the cabin of my car. I wasn’t sure what to do, whether I should hold him, let my arms fall limp, or pull him closer to me. I settled for wrapping my arms loosely around him, enough to comfort but not enough to scare. His body molded into mine, and my arms automatically tightened, like they were meant to hold him. As he shook in my arms, the feeling of it all was unusually normal, like I was meant to do this. His blonde hair brushed under my nose, and I could smell the scent of my shampoo in the soft strands. It was strangely comforting and domestic, smelling my scent on him, feeling his soft hair, holding him. “Oh Dom,” I whispered lightly.

 

He sat back a bit, but I kept my arms secured around him. Although the sun had begun to set in the cold winter sky and darkness was beginning to fall, even in the dim light I could tell see that his eyes were already red and swollen. For the first time I noticed dark bags beginning to gather beneath the puffiness of his grey eyes. He hadn’t been sleeping.

 

“It just... It just hit me,” he said, falling forward again and sobbing into my shoulder. “I can’t believe this happened to me.” Every single one of his words was broken by a hiccup and a sob. I cautiously pulled him in tighter to me, shifting so as to make it so that the center console wasn’t digging into his side. He didn’t pull back or stiffen, only moved forward more into my soft embrace.

 

“I’m so sorry, Dom,” I whispered quietly. My hands moved to rest softly on his back, rubbing lightly between his shoulder blades. He whimpered and fell into me even more. “Shh, it’s going to be okay.” I wasn’t sure if I was saying that to comfort him or myself. I was so stricken by his breakdown, I could feel my own anxiety attack creeping up behind me. “Let’s go home okay?” I figured he could use a warm quilt, a cup of tea, and a soft and cuddly German Shepherd to help him calm down. He sniffled softly and nodded, moving back to his seat. Comfortingly, I reached my hand out and squeezed his arm, being careful to avoid the splint that was still on his wrist. 

 

Just a few minutes later and we were both sitting on the sofa, the tea kettle steadily heating up in the kitchen behind us. I was careful around him, being extra sure not to make him feel uncomfortable, but he obviously didn’t mind too much, seeing as he openly welcomed the soft rubs I gave to his back as he continued to cry lightly with the blue quilt wrapped tightly around his legs and feet.

 

“Matt,” he began quietly. “Have you ever been, erm, violated? Like I was?” I bit my lip and faced Dom, our eyes meeting somewhere in the middle of the air between our faces. I shook my head softly. He looked troubled, and continued speaking quietly, seemingly to himself, almost. “I know that you know what I did to get places to stay in. It wasn’t always exactly consensual all the time.”

 

I gasped. “Dominic, this has happened before?” He nodded and I could feel tears begin to gather in my own eyes. “Why didn’t you contact the police?”

 

“I did,” he whispered, a tremble overcoming his voice. “But to them, I was just a whore. They thought that I deserved it, that it’s in the job description.” I shook my head, feeling sick to my stomach by his words. “But...” His voice cracked and I could see the tears threatening to completely spill over once again. “It never happened like this before. I never thought...” His words were overcome by emotions. He shook in my arms but tried to continue speaking. “I never thought I'd be beaten and left to die alone in an alleyway, and...” Another shake as he collapsed forward again. “I didn’t think I’d die alone like this, forgotten and left to rot. I’m so lonely, and if I had died, I...” A sharp intake of breath interrupted his speech. “I would’ve been unknown. No one would’ve cared. I'm so scared,” he whispered. 

 

Unsure of what to do, I pulled him tightly against me. “It's never going to happen again. You're safe now, Dom.”

 

“What if they find me again?” he asked with a whisper, every ounce of fear imaginable heavy in his voice.

 

“They won’t,” I assured him, holding him closely.

 

“They were never caught though. They could find me and do it again only this time they’ll actually kill me and-”

 

“No Dominic,” I interrupted. “I won’t let them.” I gave him another squeeze, trying to make my sympathy clear, then stood up, hearing the tea kettle whistling in the kitchen. I came back with two cups, and handed him his tea, which he gladly accepted.

 

“I don’t know what I’m going to do,” he said after a few silent minutes, his voice relatively calmer now.

 

“Stay here with me.” The confidence my voice held was surprising to me. “Take all the time you need, seriously.”

 

“But how am I ever going to be normal again?” His voice was exasperated, strained from everything. “I’ll never live normally again. I have no one.”

 

“You have me. I’m willing to help, Dom. I want to help.”

 

“I feel like I’m taking advantage of you,” he said sadly. “You didn’t ask for this, for you to have to take time out of your life every day just to help me out.”

 

“Well...” I set my tea down on the coffee table and shifted to get more comfortable on the sofa. He shifted too until we were both sitting opposite of each other, our legs resting side by side in the center. “I certainly don’t mind you being here. I’ve always been kind of alone, but it’s nice having some company for once, to be honest.”

 

“Your parents and brother don’t ever visit?” Dom asked.

 

I shook my head, feeling my throat lock up. “My parents are dead,” I said softly, the words a bit painful to say.

 

“Oh, I’m so sorry,” Dom said quietly.

 

“S’okay, you didn’t know. Plus I was pretty young.” I gave him a tiny smile, the most I could manage, and picked up my tea again, taking small sips to avoid saying anything else on the topic. He was silent, holding his tea but not drinking it.

 

“Your brother and you must be pretty close then, I’m guessing.”

 

I smiled, thinking of Paul, who was without a doubt the best older brother I ever could have asked for. “Definitely. Paul basically took care of me. We’re very close.”

 

“I can’t wait to meet him at Christmas,” Dom said. I turned and gave him a wide smile. “If that’s okay with you, of course.”

 

“Yes, it definitely is.” I was happy that Dom wanted to join my family and me, that he was willing to become a part of us.

 

We sat in comfortable silence for a while, finishing off our tea, and just enjoying the company of each other and Soldier. Conversation escaped us, but it wasn’t awkward or uptight. The tension and high stress of earlier began to fade away. I didn’t realize it, but Dom had started to trace the veins on my forearm with his fingertip, pressing lightly on the skin. I felt it, and looked down at him, curious as to what he was doing. He pushed down, and I could see him watch the veins disappear then reappear beneath my pale skin again. 

 

“Your skin is magical,” he whispered beneath his breath.

 

“Magical?”

 

“It’s like, translucent. I swear, you glow.” 

 

I blushed, not sure if that was to be taken as a compliment, but nevertheless it still left the butterflies that had settled in my stomach fluttering. I looked down at my ghostly white forearm, the dark veins that Dominic had just been tracing popping out of my skin.

 

“Are you working tomorrow?” Dom asked.

 

I shook my head. “Nope, I took the day off. Why? Do you want to go to sleep? I can go upstairs and leave you alone if you’d like.” I didn’t want to take any sleep away from Dom after realizing the dark bags underneath his eyes earlier in the day.

 

“No, no!” Dom said with a laugh. “It’s not like I’ve been getting much sleep anyway. I’m just really enjoying your company, it’s made me feel better and helped me to kind of calm down.”

 

“Really?”

 

“Yeah.” Dom gave me a tender smile, one that lifted my heart up and made me feel like I was being showered with kisses and hugs. The fact that he enjoyed having me there with him was better than a million and one piano pieces played perfectly, an infinite supply of biscuits, and a lifetime’s worth of tea all together. It was the perfect feeling.

 

~

 

“Okay, hmmm, what’s the most embarrassing thing you’ve ever done?”

 

It was about midnight, and Dominic and I were lounging on the floor side by side and leaning on the sofa, the second bottle of red wine that I had dug out of my rarely used wine collection sitting between us, almost empty now. A plate of microwaveable pizza pockets were sat between us, and we ate them hungrily, both of us having had skipped lunch earlier. I hadn’t had alcohol in a while, and feeling the wine slip down my throat and soothe away my worries was extremely comforting. Everything became a little bit easier to handle with the little buzz that we both currently had.

 

I reached through my brain for memories of particularly embarrassing things that had happened to me, paying close attention to my days in uni. I giggled, thinking of a particularly humiliating one, and decided to share it with Dom. Hopefully he was drunk enough not to feel uncomfortable by what I was about to say. 

 

“I got a boner in the middle of a church performance once.”

 

Dom spit his wine out into his glass, sparing the carpet. He giggled sporadically and I was relieved. He was obviously unphased by what I had said. “That’s honestly the least thing I expected for you to say,” he laughed, still sputtering into his wine glass. “How the hell did that happen?”

 

I blushed and looked down at my toes. “I quite fancied the violin player,” I giggled. “And he... Um... Winked at me.” I couldn’t say the last sentence without bursting into high pitched laughter, the thought of it so incredibly lame and making me seem like a little school girl who fantasized over a boy. Dominic let out a deep chuckle next to me, and pretty soon we both had tears streaming down our faces from all the giggles.

 

“How’d you explain that one?” he asked.

 

“I didn’t. I blushed and ran away as fast as I could.”

 

“Of course you did,” he said with a giggle.

 

“Okay then Mr. Howard, my turn. What’s the most embarrassing thing you enjoy listening to?”

 

“Lady Gaga,” he said quickly, no hesitation.

 

“Lady Gaga isn’t embarrassing!” I exclaimed. “I played Born This Way with one of my older students once at a recital, and I’ll have you know that it is a great song.”

 

“Matt, really?” he asked, raising his eyebrows. “Now you actually seem pretty gay.” I giggled and took another sip of my wine, realizing the bottle was now empty. I moved to the kitchen and quickly uncorked the third bottle and brought it back to the living room where Dom was still sitting on the floor, laughing quietly to himself. We went through the third wine bottle in a very short amount of time, handing it back and forth, letting the dark red alcohol slip down our throats and poison our insides. “Would you rather be hole-punched to death or have paper cuts all over your body and then be dipped in lemon juice?” Dom finally asked as soon as we were well into the fourth bottle of wine that evening.

 

“What kind of a fucking question is that?” I shrieked.

 

Dom took a gulp of wine straight out of the bottle, then turned to me and smiled goofily. “I don’t know. I’m drunk,” he slurred.

 

 _Yes, you definitely are._ I watched him adoringly, that huge smile spread across his face, his beautiful blonde strands of hair stuck up in every direction, eyes big and full of life. I loved seeing him relaxed, but also didn’t want to make him do anything that he would regret the second he sobered up. I pried the wine bottle from his hands, and set it on the coffee table, away from both of our reach. That was way more than enough alcohol for the night.  _Good thing I don’t have to work tomorrow._

 

We sat in silence for a bit, every so often giggling to ourselves about absolutely nothing, until I finally answered his question. “Hole-punched to death.”

 

“Same,” he chuckled, reaching for the wine bottle.

 

“Nuh uh!” I pulled it out of reach.

 

“Ma-aaaaa-att,” he whined. “I want it.” He pouted at me, his bottom lip sticking out and making my stomach flutter.

 

“Nope, you’re going to have a bad enough hangover as it is tomorrow. Don’t want to make it any worse.”

 

“Please?” he pleaded.

 

“No way.” I stood up, grabbing the wine bottle and moving to the kitchen, where I put the cork back in and set it on the counter, behind a row of bottles of cooking oil, where hopefully Dom wouldn’t find it. I stole a glance at the clock and flinched when I realized it was already almost three in the morning. I hadn't stayed up that late since uni. “I think it’s time for bed,” I declared, walking back into the living room where Dom was examining Soldier’s ears, stroking the fur. 

 

“It’s like a rabbit’s arse!” he exclaimed happily.

 

“You are so drunk,” I giggled. “Go take a shower and calm down.” I pointed upstairs and he stuck his tongue out at me, but obeyed. I laughed, hearing him mumble as he ran up the stairs. The steady sound of the shower filled the house, and I set to cleaning up the living room. The tension I had felt last time Dom had showered was completely gone, and for once, things felt just a little bit normal.

 

~

 

“Do these go on the fireplace mantle?” Dom asked, holding up two Christmas stockings, one with a jolly Santa Claus and the other with a barking puppy.

 

I smiled and nodded. “Yep, we’ll have to get you one too,” I said.

 

“Really?” Dom asked, excited.

 

“Yeah!”

 

“That would be great!”

 

It was almost a full week into December, and the boxes full of Christmas decorations had made their way out of the storage, and were now all lined up on the kitchen countertop, waiting to be unpacked by the blonde and me. Soft classical piano floated through the house from the stereo, and the smell of cinnamon pleasantly filled the air. Even though no one ever visited my house, despite the occasional visits from my neighbors, I loved decorating for the holidays. There was something so pleasant and relaxing about it, and this year with Dominic made it even better. The last few weeks had gone surprisingly well, with the exception of everyday Dom had to do a therapy session with the coping psychologist. Those days would always go the same; I’d pick him up, he’d be silent for a bit, then break down once we were home, and the rest of the evening was spent trying to comfort him and help him relax. I wanted him to forget about the evil things those men did to him, let him know that he’d never have to have sex with someone for a place to stay ever again.

 

“Oh my God!” Dom squealed, picking up an ornament from one of the boxes. I glanced over, seeing which one it was, and smiled. “He was so little!” The ornament was homemade by my niece, and in the middle was a picture of Soldier, his first Christmas with me. He was just a young puppy at the time, small enough to be held in my arms. I looked over at him now, way too heavy to be lifted, and with reindeer antlers on his head, which he hated, but dealt with. They sure made him look pretty fucking adorable, much like Dom and the Santa hat he was sporting.

 

“Here’s an ancient gem,” I said, pulling out a snowman decoration that I’d had for as long as I could remember.

 

“When’s that from, the 60s?” Dom joked, eyeing the almost completely fallen apart piece.

 

“Be careful Dom, you’re only nine years younger than me, not 30.”

 

“Actually, only eight.”

 

“Huh?” I asked, confused. I was 32. Dom was 23. Last time I had checked, if you subtracted 23 from 32 it was nine.

 

“My birthday is on the seventh,” he said simply, moving to put more ornaments on the tree which we had somehow made fit in the living room.

 

“Dom, that’s in two days!” I said. “Why didn’t you tell me?”

 

“Didn’t seem important,” he said with a shrug.

 

“We’ll have to do something special for it then.” The smile he gave me when I said that lit up my whole world. A buzzing in my pocket interrupted my thoughts. I gave Dom an apologetic smile and quickly moved upstairs to take the call, already knowing who it was from: the only person who ever called me.

 

“Hey Paul,” I said once I had my bedroom door closed.

 

“Hello Matthew! How’s my favorite little brother in the world?”

 

I could hear Dominic singing to himself downstairs and smiled widely. “I’m very well, actually.” I hadn’t spoken to Paul in a few weeks, not since taking Dom in. “I actually have some company right now, I hope it’s okay if they tag along for Christmas.”

 

“Of course. You finally find yourself a boyfriend that you can show off to the whole family?”

 

“I wish it was like that,” I said softly, my tone immediately saddening a bit.

 

“Matt. What’s wrong? What happened?”

 

“Oh...” I bit at my lip. “A few weeks ago when I was walking I came across him. He was attacked, er, raped.” Paul gasped from the other end of the line. “I called 999 and stuff, but I couldn’t just, leave him, you know? So I took him in, gave him a place to stay. His name is Dom.”

 

“Wow,” Paul breathed. “Matthew, you are such a great person. I’m so proud of you.”

 

“You would’ve done the same thing.”

 

“I know,” he said. “But still, that was really brave of you. I can’t wait to meet him. How old is he?”

 

“Almost 24,” I replied.

 

“Ooh, a young one,” Paul said with a chuckle.

 

“It’s not like that!” I exclaimed. “I don’t want to make him uncomfortable.”

 

“Aw, you like him.”

 

“No Paul, be quiet. I’m just helping him out. It’s nothing.”

 

Paul sighed. “Whatever you say Matt. So will you two be coming on the 23nd?”

 

“Yeah, and we’ll stay through the 26th, if that’s alright with you, of course.”

 

“It always is.” I could hear the smile and Paul’s voice, and we exchanged a few more words, about his family and my piano students, before I said goodbye, hung up, and headed downstairs again to join Dom.

 

“Was that your brother?” he asked, pulling a string of fairy lights out of a box and smiling brightly.

 

“Yep, Christmas is all set to go!”

 

“Great,” he said. “Now, where should we put these?”

 

~

 

A few hours later and we were sat comfortably on the countertops in the kitchen, sipping wine and scooping penne with scallops into our mouths, satisfying our hungry stomachs. It was all very informal, and I made a mental note to get an actual kitchen table sometime in the near future, maybe as a Christmas gift to myself. All around the house, fairy lights twinkled, and the brightly lit Christmas tree illuminated the entire living room, giving a magical feeling to the place.

 

Dom groaned as he took a sip of his wine, this time in a glass that wasn’t even half full. There would be no getting drunk this evening. “This pasta is delicious,” he stated, scooping a scallop into his mouth and chewing it slowly. “You’re an amazing cook.”

 

“Thank you very much,” I said, smiling to myself. The term “flattery will get you nowhere” was insignificant when it was Dom complimenting me. Every time he said something even the least bit positive about something I did, my heart would leap out of my mouth and run away, never to be found again. Dom had that effect on me.

 

The rest of the evening was spent eating, talking, and being comfortable, enjoying each other’s presence. It wasn't until I was in bed, Soldier nestled tightly next to me beneath the duvet and sheets, that I heard the soft sobs coming from downstairs. Dominic was still broken.


	6. Chapter 6

**  
**The long line of similar looking houses fascinated me as I drove down the nearly empty street. There was something intriguingly upsetting about the neighborhood. The cars lined on the curbs looked like rows of forgotten memoirs, there only as a means of shelter, nothing with meaning. The area was indeed a bit sad, not ugly, just in need of some attention, some love from the occupants of the houses.

 

“This house,” Dominic said, pointing to the one house which stood out from the rest. It was amazing what a fresh coat of paint, some extra hours in the garden, and a little extra care could do for a place. The house was full of life, with the bright blue siding, colorful curtains, porch swing, and beautiful flowers planted throughout the garden; it was a home, whereas the other buildings were simply houses, plain and simple.

 

“It’s really nice,” I said, unable to help the surprise that showed itself in my voice.

 

“Yeah, it’s in kind of in a shitty area, but Tom and Arianna have done a good job with the house.”

 

“How long have they been together?” I asked.

 

Dom shrugged. “Since we were in secondary school I guess. They moved in together straight after sixth form. I can’t really remember Tom without her, to be honest. They’ve always been a pair in my mind.”

 

“Wow, that’s impressive,” I said, unbuckling my seatbelt to walk with Dominic to the front door. I grabbed the boxes from the back seat and handed them to him. “Not many people can stay together that long, you know?”

 

“Yeah,” Dom said, nodding. “They’re really great, I always felt bad intruding on their home when I couldn’t find a place. Especially with their wedding coming up.”

 

“Wedding?” I asked.

 

“Yep. Tom proposed to her in August.”

 

“Wow, that’s great!” I exclaimed.

 

Dom nodded in agreement. We were standing on the front porch and Dom knocked lightly on the door. I suddenly felt nervous, realizing for the first time that I was meeting someone who knew Dom and was important to him. He’d known Dom since the beginning, before everything happened, the Dom I wanted to know someday.

 

The door swung open and I got my first look at who I assumed was Tom. The man was of medium build, with big bushy eyebrows and kind brown eyes. “Hey Dom, you’re here mate, glad you could make it!” he said, pulling the blonde in for a tight hug.

 

“Hi Tom.” Dom ushered me up to the door, and I shook Tom’s outstretched hand. “This is Matt.”

 

“It’s a pleasure to meet you, Matt,” Tom said with a big smile.

 

“Likewise,” I replied, giving the other man an equally big smile. Kindness radiated off of Tom, and I could immediately tell he was a good person.

 

“So Dom, all of your things are in the den, do you need any help packing them up?” Tom asked as he started leading us into his home. I looked around, the walls hung with frames after frames of Tom and a tall blonde woman, Arianna I assumed. There was one of just Tom and a particular young blonde man that I immediately recognized as a younger version of Dominic, and I smiled. Dom looked so happy in the picture; it must’ve been before everything started.

 

Dom looked over at me, and I shrugged. “I think Matthew can help me. We shouldn’t be long.”

 

“Alright, well I’ll be in the kitchen helping Arianna with dinner,” Tom said. “Would you two care to join us once you’re done packing up?”

 

“Oh we wouldn’t want to intrude,” I chimed in.

 

“Nah, it’d be fine! Arianna always makes way too much food anyway.”

 

“Oh, okay then,” I said.

 

“Great!” Tom replied with a smile. “We’ll be in the kitchen if you need any help.”

 

Dom nodded and pretty soon he was leading me down another hall and into a small room with a few piles of clothing and items lined on the far wall. 

 

We started piling Dom’s various things into the two boxes we brought with us from my house. It had taken a few weeks, but I finally convinced Dom to move in semi-permanently with me, which meant getting all of his things that had been left behind at Tom’s house from before.

 

“A lot of this is probably way too big for me,” Dom commented, holding up a pair of trousers that looked like they would easily fall off of him. “We can probably sell most of it.”

 

I nodded, continuing to box his things up. I picked up a tee shirt and smiled, seeing a blush creep up Dom’s neck.

 

“Don’t laugh,” he said quickly.

 

“I’m not laughing,” I said, neatly folding up the colorful David Bowie shirt and placing it in the box, but letting a giggle slip out when I saw the Queen shirt a few seconds later. “They’re just very bright, and-”

 

“Flamboyantly gay?” Dom let out a laugh. “I wasn’t always like this you know, I used to just be a normal outgoing gay guy. None of this broken and depressed shit.”

 

I bit my lip, wanting to ask more about how  _this_  all had happened, but then decided not to. I didn’t want to steer down that path, especially not when we would be socializing at dinner soon. 

 

My hands continued the task of folding Dominic’s old clothes and placing them in the box, and a few short minutes later, I had moved on to his few items he’d kept. “Drumsticks?” I asked, pulling out the two worn sticks.

 

He nodded. “Definitely keeping those.” I handed them to him and he twirled them around once in his left hand. “I haven’t played in awhile, but I’d love to pick it up again someday.”

 

“I think that would be really great,” I said to him. “I can see if there’s an old drum kit that no one is using at the studio, if you’d like.” I wanted to give Dominic something he could do to pass the time, forget about everything bad that had happened and only focus on the present.

 

“Really?” he asked, a huge smile spreading across his lips and lighting up his entire face. He looked so beautiful like that, glowing and happy. Absolutely stunning, like an angel. It was just like the first time I’d seen him clearly, when he was sleeping in the hospital bed, looking so innocent and gorgeous, the cuts marring his golden skin fading against his consistent glow.

 

“Of course,” I said, snapping myself from my daydream. “It could be my late birthday gift to you,” I said, thinking about his very laid back birthday the week before, and how we’d spent it eating Chinese take away on the couch, nothing exactly special.

 

“Matt...” He shook his head, unable to stop smiling. “That means so much to me. Thank you.”

 

I  nodded and we quickly finished packing Dom’s things and placed the boxes at the front door by our shoes. I could smell the warm scent of Tom and Arianna’s cooking moving throughout the home, and Dom led me to the kitchen, where Tom and his fiancé were busy at the stove.

 

“You must be Matthew!” Arianna called from the stovetop eagerly. She turned the burner down to low, placed the wooden stirring spoon on the countertop, and walked across the kitchen to Dom and me, where she shook my hand warmly. I eyed an engagement ring on her ring finger, and smiled to myself. I could already tell she was a great person; Tom was lucky to have her.

 

“And you must be Arianna,” I said, smiling. “And please, call me Matt.”

 

“Tom and I are so glad you and Dominic could join us for dinner. We don’t know you that well yet, but we honestly can’t thank you enough for saving Dom,” she said, pulling the tiny blonde into a hug.

 

I blushed a deep scarlet red color. “Would’ve been sick of me if I hadn’t saved him,” I mumbled.

 

Now it was Dom’s turn to blush, and he looked at me with wide grey eyes, a sliver of fear showing itself in them, at the thought of me never saving him. The silence in the room was a bit uncomfortable all of a sudden, and Tom cleared his throat, interrupting the emptiness. “Shall we eat then?”

 

Dom and I both nodded, and soon enough we were seated at Tom and Arianna’s kitchen table, plates of roasted chicken and asparagus placed in front of us. I felt a bit awkward, eating dinner with people I’d never met before, but if they were Dom’s friends then I didn’t see how I couldn’t trust them. I cut the first piece of chicken and placed it in my mouth, moaning when the delicious seasoning and meat met on my taste buds. I savored every bite of the food, and by the silence around the table besides the sounds of knives against plates and chewing, I could tell everyone else did as well. 

 

“This is absolutely splendid,” I said to Arianna when about half of the chicken I was eating was gone.

 

She giggled and sipped her wine. “Thank you so much Matt, it’s my mum’s old recipe. Always a favorite with guests.”

 

“Well it’s absolutely delicious,” I stated, taking another bite of the perfectly cooked meat.

 

Pretty soon plates were empty, stomachs were full, and comfortable conversation was taking place at the table. Tom and Arianna were great people; from the few hours we spent in their home, I could tell how much they loved and cared about Dominic. They were trusting and supportive, and I was thankful that they’d let Dom into their home when he most needed it, even when they were busy planning for their upcoming wedding.

 

Once the dishes were cleaned and dried, and Arianna had dragged Dom to a pile of flyers for wedding decorations, Tom offered to help me load the boxes into my car. Once we set them in the backseat and I made my way to go back inside the house, Tom stopped me.

 

“Matt, I have something to tell you.” Tom’s voice was unwavering, serious and flat.

 

_Oh shit, I fucked up. I did something wrong. Fuck._

 

Tom turned to me, and began moving forward.

 

_Is he going to punch me? What did I do wrong?_

 

Suddenly, his hands were wrapped around me, and he was hugging me tight. I froze, not knowing what to do, until I realized Tom was crying. His body, which was way bigger than mine, was shaking in my arms as he cried. I had never seen a man like Tom cry before.

 

I cleared my throat and awkwardly patted his back. “Erm... Tom?” I sputtered.

 

“Shit, Matt, I’m so sorry,” Tom said, removing his arms from around me and backing up, wiping the tears from his face with the sleeve of his jacket. “It’s just, Arianna and I love Dom so much. He’s my best friend, and I can’t thank you enough for saving his life.” 

 

I felt a blush creep up the side of my neck from Tom’s words, and I was so thankful that it was dark outside and that he wouldn’t be able to see my skin shade change.

 

“I can’t imagine what I would’ve done with myself had Dom died that night. You are an amazing man.”

 

“Thank you, but really I was just-”

 

“Don’t, Matt. Please don’t push this away like it’s nothing. It’s not nothing. You saved his life, and he’s so lucky that he has you, you know that?”

 

I let those words sink in. Dominic, lucky, to have me? Me, Matthew Bellamy, the shy piano teacher who can’t make conversation even if his life depended on it? “Dominic is amazing as well,” I whispered.

 

Tom nodded at that. “He really is. It’s a shame what happened with him, he’s so talented. I really hope one day he meets a guy who will fall in love with him and give him everything he deserves.” Tom looked at me, eyeing my awkward figure in the dark. “Maybe that guy will be you.”

 

“No, that can’t happen,” I said quickly with a shake of my head.

 

“Oh sorry man, I thought Dom said something about you being gay too-”

 

“No I am, er, gay.” It felt so foreign saying those words aloud. It had never mattered before, because I had never had anyone interested in me. Even more, I had never been interested in anyone else, with the exception of uni, but those days were long past. “I’m way too old for Dominic, it would be, you know, inappropriate.”

 

“Dom isn’t even ten years younger than you though,” Tom said. 

 

“Well,” I sighed. “It wouldn’t feel right to me I guess.”

 

“He’s over 18 and legal Matt, that’s really all that matters.”

 

I blushed again.

 

Tom turned back to the house and shrugged his shoulders. “I think you should give it a shot, you might be surprised by the results.”

 

“Wait,” I called to Tom in the darkness. He turned around and eyed me, raising his eyebrow. “Do you mean, like, I might have a chance?”

 

Tom smiled and nodded, giving me a huge jolt that showed itself as a stupid grin spreading across my face. I still felt like I shouldn’t push it with Dom, seeing as he’d gone through way too much in the last month to start anything like this. But still, there was hope for the future. Possibly.

 

“Hey Matt,” Tom called as I began making my way into the house. I turned to look at him. “Just promise me you’ll be good to him. Please. He doesn’t deserve anything less.”

 

I nodded in a silent agreement, and together Tom and I made our way back into the house.

 

~

 

“I really like Tom and Arianna,” I said to Dom once we were back at my house, sipping tea on the sofa and watching an old Western film.

 

“I’m glad!” Dom said excitedly. This evening was one of the first times I’d ever seen Dom so enthusiastic, so happy about life. It was an amazing thing to see. “Tom asked me to be his best man at their wedding!”

 

“Really? That’s great Dom, congratulations!” 

 

“Cheers,” Dom said, sipping his tea.

 

“Tell me more about them?” I asked, wanting to know all about Dom’s friends. 

 

The smile that Dom gave me lit up his entire face; he seemed so happy that I wanted to know about his life, the part of his life that was actually important to him. “Well, I met Tom when I was 12...” Dom started. I watched him with deep concentration as the blonde told me everything he could about Tom and Arianna. The way he told me the story of meeting the both of them, their adventures through school, and all the events in between, Dom’s facial features changed animatedly, turning up when he mentioned a happy memory and turning down when mentioning a sad one. It was the most beautiful thing to witness, this man, whom I finally admitted to myself, I was incredibly attracted to, telling me all about his life and everything that was of some meaning to him. I felt my heart flutter every time he giggled, my hands go clammy every time he mentioned something having to do with relationships or sex, and my stomach drop every time he dipped into the bad times, about having to let himself into Tom and Arianna’s house at four in the morning when things went terribly wrong and he was left with nowhere else to go for the night. When he started to go into those times, I felt ill. I didn’t push him into telling me more; that wouldn’t have been okay of me to do that to him, to make him tell me about such a harsh past when we still barely knew each other.

 

“Matthew?” Dom had stopped speaking for a while, and we were sat in comfortable silence on the sofa, with Soldier between us, his tail on Dom’s thigh and his muzzle on mine. I turned to look at him, seeing tears begin to gather in his grey eyes.

 

“Yes Dominic?” I whispered softly, my heart breaking at seeing him so sad again after just having seen him happy and lively for once.

 

“I’ve been crying myself to sleep every night. Will it ever get better? Because I feel like it won’t.”             

 

“It will get better. I promise.” I softly pushed Soldier off of the sofa, and he complied, immediately walking to his bed and laying down, resuming his nap. I scooted closer to Dom, and he closed the gap, falling into my arms. I was beginning to get used to hugging and supporting him; it became more of a way for me to express my kindness to Dom without the use of words. I wasn’t hugging him because I wanted something out of him that he wouldn’t give to me, things don’t work like that. When someone is broken, all you can do is support them and constantly be their shoulder to cry on, not another source of stress and difficulty, pushing them beyond the barriers that they’re comfortable with.

 

Dom cried softly, not the heart wrenching sobs like before, but still enough to raise my own emotions. Tears began dotting my own blue eyes, and I softly patted his back, rocking his small body back and forth. “I just want things to be good again,” he sniffled.

 

“They will be soon, Dom.” I wasn’t sure if I was saying this to him or myself.

 

“I don’t think they will be,” he said flatly, his voice completely lost of the life and enthusiasm it had held just a few minutes earlier when he was talking about Tom and Arianna.

 

I shook my head, hating those words coming from his mouth. I immediately pulled him closer into me. His head was resting against my chest, and I moved my hands to his back, feeling his heartbeat, letting me know he was still alive. “Please, never say that again,” I told him. His big grey eyes looked up at me, filled to the brink with tears and sadness. The feeling it gave me was absolutely gut wrenching, tearing me apart piece by piece from the inside.

 

Without thinking, telling myself it was wrong, that I shouldn’t be doing it, I moved forward. I held the blonde in my arms, and softly laid a quiet kiss to his forehead.


	7. Chapter 7

****  
The things one does on instinct can be one of two things: natural or forced. You do them automatically, but sometimes, they just don’t feel quite right, like something is missing or forgotten from the action. Then there are other times, times when whatever you do just feels so right that you can’t even imagine yourself having made a different decision, choosing a path that did not involve that action that just makes everything feel so perfect.  
  
Kissing Dom felt so right. It was so soft, like the touch of a feather, but it was still a kiss. For the first time ever, my lips met Dominic Howard’s skin in a frenzy of emotions and the ultimate instinct to simply make him feel better, like he was cared for.  
  
The second I realized what I’d done, I pulled away, but did not immediately regret it. I sat back on the couch and looked at him, his wide grey eyes staring up at me. With fear? Want? I couldn’t read him; he was indecipherable.  
  
We stared at each other for an undeterminable amount of time. It felt like years, his simple hold on my eyes not letting me move an inch, but it was most likely only a few short seconds. I sat there stunned completely silent by what I’d done, trying to will myself to say something, anything, but coming up blank every time for fear that I would say the wrong thing and fuck up everything we had, if we even had anything to begin with.  
  
“Matt, I can’t,” said Dom suddenly, softly. The words were barely muttered beneath his breath, and they sounded almost... reluctant. “It’s too soon.”  
  
I shook my head. “I don’t even know what I was doing. I’m so sorry, I-”  
  
Dom interrupted me, placing his palm across my hand. “S’okay. Please don’t worry yourself.”  
  
Dominic Howard, so young, so deprived of everything good that life has to offer, yet he still faces me with an open heart. I tried to imagine myself in his shoes: raped, left to die, taken into a strange man’s home, being kissed so suddenly and without any warning at all. I would have panicked and run away as fast as possible, never looking back on it. But Dom was calm. He was collected, simply telling me he wasn’t comfortable with it. When I’d first found Dom, he seemed so small and helpless, but I was now realizing for the first time that he actually can take care of himself, that he’s very mature. There is no doubt that I admired the blonde and his extreme strength, his pristine ability to express what he was and wasn’t comfortable with.  
  
That was the first time, I think, that I noticed that the blonde wasn't as insignificant as he’d first appeared. I’m not saying I ever underestimated him, thought of him to be less than he was, but it seemed like the more I got to know him, the more he uncovered about himself. His way of handling the kiss, with maturity and calmness, was what really struck me as incredible. It was then that I wondered how his situation came to be, how such an amazing young man could end up in such a big hole that he needed someone else to support him as he dug his way out.  
  
I would have to save that question for another time though, because just then Dom extracted himself from my arms, excusing himself from the room and off to take a shower before bed.  
  
As soon as he left, I slammed my head down on the coffee table, startling the slumbering German Shepherd in the process of doing so.  
  
“Why do I always ruin things?” I moaned, fisting my fingers through my hair. A grumble from the sleepy dog was all I got in reply.  
  
~  
  
When I came downstairs the next morning, a still asleep Dominic occupying the sofa was the last thing I thought I’d find. I learned quickly that Dom was in fact a morning person; he seemed to enjoy waking up early, putting the first kettle on for tea and taking Soldier on his first walk in the mornings. He didn’t seem to mind the chores, and every time I told him to let me handle it, he put up a bit of a fight, so I settled for letting him help out. I tried to remember another time in which I had been awake before him in the last month and a half of him living with me, but couldn’t recall a time where I’d seen the blonde asleep in the morning.  
  
As horrible as I felt, I used this opportunity. I put the kettle on and let Soldier out into the back garden, feeling too lazy and unwilling to face the late December chill to take him out on a walk. I then made my way for the armchair beside the sofa, flipped on the television, and found myself staring at him while he slept.  
  
Everything about the situation screamed “pervert”, but after my conversation with Tom the night previous, I couldn’t help but wonder: did I have a slim chance with Dom? Perhaps once things settled down? I didn’t want to give myself hope, work myself up for nothing, but I couldn’t help it when I found myself so infatuated with him.  
  
I let my eyes wander his face, take in his soft and still maturing features. Dominic was young, and at 24, his face still showed hints of a boy. His cheeks were slightly pudgy, though not in anyway making him seem chubby or overweight. They were adorable, to me at least. His messy blonde hair was spread out over his head, his fringe curling up just over the tops of his ears and forehead. It looked so soft, and I had to force myself to keep my hands to myself. I wanted so bad to stroke his hair, gently, in no way suggestive, almost in a motherly way.  
  
My gaze traveled away from his face, to his chest and legs. He was wearing a thin white tee shirt, boxer shorts, and wool socks. A blanket was pooled around his hips, and I was half tempted to pull it over the rest of his body. The house wasn’t particularly warm that morning, and I didn’t want him to wake up cold.  
  
Debating over whether or not to put a blanket over someone shouldn’t have been such a big deal. Of course, me being me, the little worry rat I am, I thought about it for over five minutes, way longer than necessary. I really didn’t want to ruin it. I bit my lip. What if he woke up right as I was pulling the blanket over him? Would it be suggestive?  
  
Dammit Bellamy stop over-analyzing this. Just do it.  
  
The little nagging voice in the back of my head finally won, and I swiftly moved to the sofa, pulling the blanket up over Dom’s sleeping body as quickly as I could without waking him up.  
  
When I pulled myself away, I was relieved to see his chest still rising up and down rhythmically, telling me he was still sound asleep.  
  
I decided to start on breakfast for the two of us, considering we had a long day ahead: shopping for some warmer and nicer clothes for Dom, Christmas gifts for Paul and his family, then packing for Teignmouth.  
  
It was the 22nd, and I suddenly cursed myself for putting off Christmas shopping until the very last minute. The shops were bound to be packed. My gift for Dom had already been bought, but I still had gifts to buy for Paul and his wife Elena, and my two nieces, Sarah and Corrine. Paul and Elena would be easy; a nice bottle of champagne always did the trick. Corrine was now apparently into jewelry, so a simple craft type gift would do well for the eight year old. Sarah though... Sarah was my eldest niece, and at age 16, I had a very special relationship with the girl, which meant I wanted to get the perfect gift for her. I’d have to spend some more time thinking of things for her.  
  
As I placed strips of bacon on the sizzling pan and turned down the burner that the tea kettle was sitting on, I heard shuffling behind me. I watched as Dom absent mindedly rose from the sofa, rubbing sleep from his eyes, then making his way to the toilet.  
  
“Good morning Sleeping Beauty,” I said as he emerged a few minutes later.  
  
“Sorry for oversleeping,” he said, seeming worried that he’d ruined the entire day or something.  
  
I chuckled. “It’s only nine in the morning, Dom.”  
  
“Yeah, that’s late!” the blonde exclaimed. He eyed the bacon in the pan, and smiled widely before reaching into the refrigerator for the milk and pouring himself a glass.  
  
He seemed okay, despite things. I was hoping we could both forget about what happened the night before, and so far it was seeming like that could very well be the case.  
  
“You ready for some intense shopping?” I asked, flipping the bacon with a fork. “Things are going to be pretty hectic.”  
  
“I’m gay Matt, when am I not ready for shopping?”  
  
I stared at him, and we both broke out into giggles.  
  
“I actually hate shopping,” he said between chuckles, and I nodded my head in agreement.  
  
“Well, let’s eat up, the sooner we’re done, the better!” I exclaimed, placing a plate of crispy bacon between us on the countertop.  
  
~  
  
Shopping ended up being better than we’d thought. We found a shop for Dominic, and left the place with enough warm jumpers and new trousers to last him through the winter. The bottle of champagne for Paul and Elena was easy to find, as expected, and pretty soon, Dom and I were making our way down a busy street and into a craft shop.  
  
After an episode with a bright pink feather boa and blonde wig (which I have to admit was a huge turn on for me), Dom and I left the shop, a charm bracelet making kit in tote. All that was left was Sarah’s gift, which I was still unsure of.  
  
“Why is her gift so important?” Dom asked me while we were sat at a bench, eating tacos from a nearby food cart.  
  
“You’ll see when you meet her,” I told him. “She’s quite a character, and she’s just so...” I tried to think of a good word to describe my niece whom I adored so much. “She’s very... different. So shopping for her can be difficult.”  
  
“Do you think I’ll get along with her?”  
  
I looked at Dominic, then thought of Sarah in my mind and smiled to myself. I nodded. “Yes. You’re going to love her.”  
  
Dom smiled brightly, then took a bite of his taco. I smiled when a bit of sauce dribbled down his chin, and handed him an extra paper towel from my lap so that he could clean it up.  
  
I scanned my brain for ideas for Sarah, but still came up empty handed. I looked around the square we were sitting in for inspiration, at all the people bustling about with shopping bags in hand and exhausted children being towed behind them. I heard a light tapping, and looked in the other direction, eyeing a street performer sitting in front of a music shop, drumming on some pots and pans with cooking utensils.  
  
“That’s it!” I exclaimed, nearly tossing my taco to the ground in excitement.  
  
“What’s what?” Dom asked me.  
  
“The perfect gift for Sarah.”  
  
~  
  
An hour and a half later, and we were home, spending half our time wrapping presents and the other half packing for the trip. By suggestion of Dom, we’d picked up a bottle of wine on the way home and brought it to Tom and Arianna as an early Christmas gift. They were extremely grateful, and after hugs and a few words were exchanged, we left.  
  
As I wrapped Corrine’s gift, I looked over at Dom, seeing him folding up clothes and placing them in one of my old suitcases. I found myself distracted by the young, beautiful blonde, and accidentally cut my finger on the parcel.  
  
“Shit,” I said, placing my finger in my mouth to stop the bleeding as I stood to find a bandage.  
  
“You okay?” Dom asked from the living room as I stood in the kitchen looking into an open  
cupboard, trying to decide if I wanted waterproof or extra stretchy.  
  
“Yep, all good,” I replied, standing on my tiptoes to reach the bandages which I had stupidly placed on the highest shelf. I cursed myself for that as well as for letting myself get so distracted by Dom. I settled for extra stretchy, which would make piano a bit easier, and placed the bandage over my finger. I rejoined Dom and Soldier on the floor of the living room, ready to tackle the rest of the gifts.  
  
We chatted quietly, and pretty soon the gift pile had grown larger and Dominic’s suitcase had grown fatter. I yawned, shopping and present wrapping always tiring me out. I still had my own packing to do, so with a “goodnight” to Dom, I went upstairs to set clothes out and go to sleep.  
  
I was about halfway through packing when I heard the shower from outside my closed bedroom door running. I thought nothing about it; Dominic lived here, he was allowed to shower whenever he wanted to. I went back to my clothes, humming softly along to Lady Gaga, quiet enough so that Dom wouldn’t hear and make fun of me. When the song ended and I paused to stretch, I heard an unmistakable sound.  
  
Over the sound of running water, there it was, the quiet moans that couldn’t be mistaken for anything else other than someone wanking. Dominic was touching himself. In my shower. No less than ten feet away from me.  
  
I needed to calm down. He was 24, and if he’d gone his entire time living here without wanking, well, that was impossible. His balls would’ve turned purple. I was sure he'd done it before; the thought had actually occurred to me before, often when I was in the middle of a wank myself. Inappropriate, but true. But now, I was hearing it for the first time. Dominic was unbelievably vocal. His moans floated right through the wall, and before I could stop myself, my hand was down my trousers, palming myself through my boxers.  
  
When I snuck my hand down the front of my boxers and held my stiff member with my bare hand and let out a curse, I knew I was in deep trouble. The hot skin on skin contact, along with the noises I heard from the shower, just made me harder and harder. It’d only been a few minutes, but I could already feel myself on edge, orgasm boiling beneath my skin. One particularly loud moan came from the shower, then nothing. The water shut off, and everything returned to normal.  
  
I looked down at my weeping erection, biting my lip. I swirled the precome that had gathered at the head around, and prayed for all things holy that Dom wouldn’t be able to hear my palm slapping against my hard cock as I began to stroke faster and faster. Images of the blonde’s lips and mouth came into my mind, and I quickly grabbed a pillow, moaning into the soft fluffy fabric as I came into my hand.  
  
I sat dead still, waiting for a knock on the door and a bombardment of questions from Dom. Nothing happened. Relieved, I pulled my boxers and trousers back up. After a quick check of the hallway, I darted to the other room to wash myself up.  
  
I splashed cold water on my face, trying to wash the sweat off. After a quick check in the mirror, I approved myself to be seen, even though I was pretty sure Dom had already gone to sleep. A glance downstairs confirmed that.  
  
Dominic was sound asleep on the sofa, Soldier nestled beneath his arm. I looked closely at his skin; there was no blotchiness, no red eyes. Tissues didn’t litter the floor like they had other nights, and all inappropriate images I had of Dom earlier faded away, replaced now with new ones, of happy, peaceful, sleeping Dom. Beautiful Dom.  
  
Smiling softly to myself, I made my way back upstairs and into my bedroom. I quickly finished my interrupted packing, undressed, pulled on a fresh pair of boxers, and climbed into bed. Right before drifting off to sleep, I shivered into the cold sheets and duvet, only to mentally warm up instantly at the thought of another body accompanying me. The body of a gorgeous blonde with light grey eyes and an angelic face.

 


	8. Chapter 8

****  
The majority of the three and a half hour long drive to Teignmouth was spent in comfortable silence. We left early, at seven in the morning, ensuring that we would get to spend a day in Teignmouth relaxing before the hustle and bustle of Christmas Eve set in. On the drive over, Dominic gazed out the window most of the time. I wondered if it was his first time really leaving the London area. He’d told me he’d been born in the city, and hadn’t ever mentioned really being anywhere else. When we pulled into Teignmouth, he seemed fascinated by the smallness of everything. I couldn’t wait to show him the pier, something telling me he’d never seen the ocean before.  
  
“If you want, tonight we can take Soldier to the beach and let him run around for a bit,” I suggested, turning away from the city center and onto a small street that would lead us to my childhood home, which was now Paul’s.  
  
“He won’t run off?” Dom asked, looking shocked and facing the German Shepherd that was occupying the back seat.  
  
I let out a soft chuckle. “He’s a military dog. He wouldn’t dream of running off,” I said.  
  
“Oh.” Dom looked embarrassed. “I should’ve guessed that. Yeah, that would be fun.”  
  
“Great,” I said, pulling up into the familiar driveway. “Here we are.”  
  
The house had never changed. Mum and Dad had always done an amazing job, and the case was no different with Paul. Everything was maintained, from the paint to the glass windows to the garden. Even in the middle of winter, everything was kept neat and tidy. It was exactly how I remembered it growing up: simple, but always home.  
  
Referring to places, although I’d grown up in Teignmouth, I’d say that London was my home. I belonged in a big city, it was where I fit in. But referring to actual houses, my childhood house in Teignmouth would always be home. The yearlong smell of cinnamon, the faded wooden floors, the pale blue walls, it all reminded me of home. It was my family; the house was one hundred percent Bellamy. I hoped that Dominic would like it and feel welcome, a place he could also call home.  
  
I knocked lightly on the door, the blonde standing slightly behind me with Soldier’s leash in hand. There was shuffling on the other side of the door, and a few seconds later it opened up, Paul smiling widely at me.  
  
“Matty!”  
  
I dropped the bag I was carrying onto the ground and moved forward to hug my older brother. His big arms squeezed me tightly, nearly lifting my small body from the ground. A waft of cinnamon floated from the open door and hit me full force in the nose. Home. “Hey Paul!” I said happily, backing up a bit and pushing Dom forward. “I’d like you to meet Dominic.” I looked over at the slightly nervous blonde. “Dom, this is my older brother, Paul.”  
  
“We’re so glad you could join us, Dom,” said Paul.  
  
“You’re here!” came a voice from behind the door. Elena stepped out onto the porch, and I gave her a welcoming hug as Dom and Paul shook hands. Elena shivered, then quickly pulled Dom into a hug, much to the blonde’s surprise. “It’s cold out here, let’s get you boys inside with some tea, yeah? Sarah, Corrine!” she called. “Come say hello!”  
  
The door was closed behind us, and we removed our shoes, setting our bags to the side. Dom was immediately pulled into the kitchen by Elena, who claimed she needed someone to try her soup, even though there was no doubt that it would be perfect. I knew those two would hit it off immediately; Elena was the most caring, kind, lovely woman to be with, a caretaker. Dom would be completely comfortable with her. I was left in the foyer alone as Paul went to answer the telephone.  
  
“Uncle Matt!” a little girl squealed, wrapping her arms around my waist.  
  
“Hey Corrine! Merry Christmas!” I said, picking up the small blonde in my arms and giving a kiss to her forehead.  
  
“Uncle Matt I learned how to play Ode to Joy on the piano!” she said happily. I smiled, my heart immediately swelling with pride. From an early age, it’d been obvious that Sarah took a liking to music, but Corrine at first wanted nothing to do with it. When she’d told me last Christmas that she wanted to learn violin, I almost leapt out of excitement. Now it seemed she was beginning to play piano.  
  
“That’s great! We’ll have to have a concert tonight, yeah?”  
  
“Yay!” she exclaimed. “I want to meet Dom!”  
  
I laughed and squeezed her tightly. “He’s in the kitchen with your mum. Don’t be too much of a bother!” I set her down on the floor and watched her scurry off to the kitchen to meet Dom and talk his ear off for hours on end. I loved her to death, but she could be a bit over chatty at times.  
  
“Hey Uncle Matt,” came a soft voice from the hallway.  
  
I turned around, a huge smile on my face.  
  
Sarah Bellamy was completely different from the girly, talkative Corrine; Sarah was quiet, an introvert like me, and couldn’t give a shit about dresses or fancy jewelry, unlike her little sister. I was still a teenager when Sarah was born, and watching her grow up was something I took pride in.  
  
She was completely unlike all other girls in her year. First off, it should be known that Sarah had short hair, pixie cut style, and that it was dyed black. Both her eyebrow and lips were pierced, as well as many different piercings on her ear, none of which I knew the terms for. Her Operation Ivy tee shirt was stained and about three sizes too big, looking like a dress on top of her skinny jeans. She was truly unique, a punk, one might say. She was so different, from the music she listened to, to the clothes she wore, to her different opinions on social issues. She took pride in those opinions, and because of them, and her eagerness to learn and actually participate in more adult type things, she was one of the smartest young girls I’d ever met, smarter than the child geniuses who could play Bach after two piano lessons.  
  
I moved forward quickly, bringing her into a tight hug. “Hey kiddo, how have you been?”  
  
She stepped back and smiled at me. “I’m good, glad you’re here. I actually want to talk to you about something real quick, if that’s okay? It’s been on my mind a lot recently and I think you’d really understand.”  
  
I looked at her carefully, immediately aware that something was up. I nodded quickly, knowing that I was always the one Sarah came to for help, because we could relate very well with each other.  
  
Checking real quickly that Dominic was okay in the kitchen (he was, he and Elena had already struck up a conversation about gardening; I knew they’d get along), I followed Sarah into her room, which had been Paul’s room when we were younger. The toy trains had been long replaced with a drum set, various recording equipment, and vinyls. Lots and lots of vinyls.  
  
“So,” I asked, sitting on the floor as she sat down across from me, leaning against her bed. “What’s up?”  
  
She took a deep breath and looked at me cautiously. “Have you ever felt like you’re just different from everyone else?”  
  
I couldn’t help but laugh as I nodded. “Only all the time.”  
  
She laughed as well, smiling at me. She took off one of her chain bracelets, twirling it around in her fingers for a few seconds before placing it back on her wrist, still fidgeting with the metal. A habit she picked up from me, probably.  
  
“There’s a girl at my school,” she started quietly.  
  
“Oh shit, Sarah, are you being bullied?” I asked suddenly, cutting her off from her words. The thought of people being rude to her ripped my heart out, making me so angry, the feeling almost scaring me, for I rarely showed such a primal and extreme emotion.  
  
She laughed and shook her head quickly. “No, no, it’s nothing like that. I’m just, confused about something.” She looked at me, knowing I’d understand right away. I did. “And, like, I’ve never talked to her or anything, but she just fascinates me, you know?”  
  
The look on her face told me everything, that little smug smile everyone gets when they talk about someone they like. “And you don’t know if you’re attracted to her or not,” I continued, knowing the feeling all too well. I couldn’t help but smile a bit.  
  
“Well...” She let out a sheepish smile. “She’s really pretty. And I’ve never felt this way over another girl before, so I’m not sure what it means.”  
  
“Well, are you still dating that Dylan boy?” I asked.  
  
She shook her head sadly. “No. He was the first I told, I thought I could trust him. We got in a fight over it, and he broke up with me. That’s why I wanted to talk to you about it, because you must know, right?”  
  
“Of course I know,” I said softly, pulling her into a quick hug. “You’re 16, your body is telling you one thing, your mind is telling you another thing, and then society tells you another whole different thing. You don’t know what the hell is going on, right?”  
  
She nodded in agreement.  
  
“For the longest time I thought it was a phase for me,” I told her. “That homosexuality was something everyone experiences just a little bit. But it wasn’t.”  
  
“Do you think this is just a phase?” she asked me.  
  
I immediately shook my head. “I think sexuality is rarely a phase, with people like you and me. People who look a little bit more into the world, instead of what’s just given to us.”  
  
She paused, seeming slightly hesitant to ask the next question. “Is it okay to like both? Males and females?”  
  
“Of course it is!” I said. “It’s more than okay, Sarah. Having a different sexuality from someone else should never make you feel bad about yourself. I mean, yeah, it’s confusing at first, but it’s just...” I paused, looking at the girl sitting close to me, smiling. “It’s you.”  
  
She smiled back, and hugged me again. “I’m sorry for pulling you into this right away. I should’ve waited until you were at least settled in!”  
  
“Oh it’s fine,” I said. “I always love talking to you, you know that. Come on,” I said to her, standing up. “I have someone I want you to meet.”  
  
~  
  
“I think I might be in love with your niece,” Dominic said as we began walking toward the beach after an early yet very filling dinner.  
  
“Oh really?” I questioned with a chuckle.  
  
“Not like that!” he exclaimed. “She’s just, really cool.”  
  
“I understand,” I said with a giggle, pulling my scarf tighter around my neck as the coastal winds started to pick up, sending a chill through my body. The sun was setting already, so I knew we couldn’t stay too long. I let Soldier off his leash. “Geh hin,” I said, and with that, he sprinted off toward the water, tail flopping happily behind him.  
  
“Teignmouth is so peaceful,” said Dom softly as we watched Soldier run around the beach. Soldier picked up a small stick in his mouth, and brought it to me to throw. Every few minutes he’d bring it back, finding much joy in the game of fetch, his tail never ending its erratic wagging. “I love London, but to get out of the big city is nice.”  
  
“Yeah, this holiday can be much needed sometimes,” I replied.  
  
“And your family is amazing,” Dom added. I could only smile.  
  
After leaving the beach, Dom and I walked around Teignmouth until the cold became too much for us to handle. I pointed out the Den, my old primary school, and the football fields. There wasn’t much to see, and soon we were back at the house, trying to sort out the sleeping situation.  
  
The house had four rooms: the master, Paul’s old room which was now Sarah’s, the old guest room which was now Corrine’s, and my old room which was still my room. Corrine and Sarah offered to share Sarah’s, giving me Corrine’s room and Dom my old room. I would have none of that.  
  
“I’m not going to make them share a room!” I said. “I’ll take the sofa, honestly, Sarah’s room is way too small for the both of them.”  
  
“No Matthew,” Paul replied. “You’re our guest, you’re not sleeping on the damn sofa.”  
  
I scowled at my older brother as Dom and Elena watched our bickering in amusement.  
  
“I could take the sofa,” Dom offered.  
  
“No!” Paul, Elena, and I all responded at once.  
  
Dom put his hands up in defeat as Corrine and Sarah giggled wildly, watching the entire show play out.  
  
“How about we put the blow up mattress in Matt’s room?” Paul suggested. “It’s the biggest room in the house besides the master, so there’s plenty room for it. This way no one is on the couch.”  
  
I bit my lip. I had nothing wrong with the idea of sharing a room with Dom, nothing at all, but I knew he would probably feel a bit uncomfortable at the idea. I looked at him and he swallowed thickly. I could tell he was nervous.  
  
“That will work,” he finally said.  
  
“Great!” said Elena. “I’ll get it set up now.”  
  
The family split off, Dom volunteering to help Elena, as I suspected he would. Dom seemed to grow attached to her immediately. It made me wonder if Dom ever had a mum to show him the ways, ask him to test the soup or help make tea or talk about gardening with. I shrugged the thought out of my brain, being way too troubled by it.  
  
I glanced at my watch. It was already ten o’clock, and Sarah and Corrine were off to bed. I hugged them both, said “goodnight”, then wandered to join Paul in the kitchen, where he was drinking a glass of wine and reading a book.  
  
“Hey mate, sorry to put you on the spot like that, I sort of forgot about-”  
  
I put my hand up, cutting him off. “As long as Dom’s okay with it, I’m okay with it.”  
  
Paul stared at me for a long moment before nodding. “So, nothing has happened with you two yet?” he teased.  
  
I rolled my eyes. “The hell is that supposed to mean, Paul? Nothing is going to happen.”  
  
“Why not?” Paul asked.  
  
I looked at him in disbelief. “He’s eight years younger than me!” I whispered, frustration beginning to take hold of me. “He was raped for Christ’s sake! Do you really think he’s looking for a bloody relationship? And with me?”  
  
“Jesus Christ Matt, you’re so stubborn, you know?” he said with a laugh. “You got that from Mum. It’s obvious you have feelings for him, you told me on the phone that you did.”  
  
“That doesn’t mean anything!” I hissed beneath my breath, interrupting.  
  
“You’re oblivious Matt. Stubborn and oblivious!” Paul spat back.  
  
“Shut up!” I nearly screamed. “And can we please not bring Mum and Dad into this?” I could feel my body on edge, tears threatening to fall.  
  
“Sorry,” Paul said softly, lowering his tone a bit. We often got worked up like this. It was the one downfall to being so close; we disagreed often because we cared about each other so much. “I’m sorry Matt. I didn’t mean to upset you.”  
  
Paul moved forward and hugged me tightly, and I suddenly felt so small and insignificant. He was strong; he had a family, a well-paying job, and could mention our parents without breaking down into tears like me. I was weak compared to my older brother, I always had been. I wondered briefly if this was what Dominic felt like, every time something triggered and he’d think about his past and break down in my arms.  
  
“Go get some sleep,” he whispered. “Tomorrow’s a new day.”  
  
I mumbled a soft “goodnight”, giving him one last brotherly hug, then made my way to my childhood room, hugging Elena goodnight on my way in.  
  
When I walked into my room, the blow up mattress was sitting on the floor, a few feet away from the edge of the bed. Dom was sat on the middle of the mattress, wearing plaid pajama bottoms and an old sweater and reading some novel I didn’t recognize.  
  
“Hey,” I said softly. He looked up from his book and smiled lightly at me. “You sure you’re okay with this?” I asked. “Because I could take the sofa, really, it’s not a big deal.”  
  
“I’ll be fine,” he replied with a quick nod and a smile for reassurance.  
  
“There’s no way you’re sleeping on this mattress,” I laughed. I pointed at the bed, in indication for him to get his arse up there.  
  
“I’m not kicking you out of your bed!” he exclaimed.  
  
“Dom, you sleep on the sofa every night. Just take the fucking bed,” I said. “Please.”  
  
Dom sighed, and moved to the bed, pushing back the duvet and getting under the covers. “You know, your sofa really isn’t bad at all.”  
  
“Don’t lie, Mr. Howard,” I said with a giggle as I shuffled through my bag, looking for my pajama bottoms. I knew that sofa was hell; it was lumpy, outdated, and impossible to sleep on without waking up with a knot in your back.  
  
I looked over at him cautiously, seeing that his eyes were glued to his book. I decided to go for it, pulling off my shirt to change, praying he wouldn’t be uncomfortable. I saw his eyes flick toward my direction quickly, and he swallowed nervously, but said nothing as I pulled on an old tee shirt. He’d seen me in my boxers before, so that wasn’t a problem as I undid my belt and removed my trousers, replacing them with an old pair of cotton bottoms I’d owned since uni.  
  
“You have a tattoo,” he said softly once the lights were all off and we were both under our respective blankets, in our respective beds.  
  
“Yes, I do,” I replied, not sure what he thought of it from the non-expressive tone of his voice.  
  
“A dove?” he asked, voice still soft, seeming neither put off nor intrigued by the ink.  
  
“Yeah, kind of cliche. Got it for my mum.”  
  
“Oh.” There was a pause, some shuffling, and I imagined Dom burrowing down in the sheets. My toes were cold in the drafty room, and I wrapped my own blankets tighter around my small body. “I don’t think it’s cliche,” he said finally. “I think it’s beautiful.”  
  
Now I have to admit, I’m a bit of an emotional person. It doesn’t do much to get the tears flowing for me or for something to bring back nostalgia. There is one word, however, that pulls at the strings of my heart more than every other word, more than the word “love”, and that word is “beautiful”. Something about that word has always moved me beyond emotion, into a whole new place where everything is more extreme, more personal. It was the first word I thought of when I saw Dom in the hospital, the word I say when the kids successfully play a piano piece they’ve been trying to master for weeks. Not only does beautiful describe physical characteristics - the way Dom’s golden hair glistens in the winter sun or the way his bright white teeth shine - it also describes something more emotional, something deeper. An action you do can be considered beautiful, something for someone else or in memory of someone else. The way Dom said it was beautiful, something told me he was referring to the gesture, the actual process of the tattoo, not the artwork itself.  
  
“Thank you,” I replied quietly, beginning to choke up.  
  
“Can you tell me about it sometime? About them?” he asked, voice still barely a whisper in the quiet room.  
  
I thought about that. Would I be willing to share with Dominic the thing that hurt my heart so much I barely thought about it myself? Rarely did I talk with it about anyone, not even Paul or the men I shared my few relationships before with. Dominic was different; I cared about Dominic, not in the way of a brother, neither in the way of a lover (not that any of my relationships had advanced enough for us to be even called lovers). I cared about Dom in a way that could not be summed up in a single word, not a brother, nor lover, nor boyfriend, nor mate. Our relationship was so different from anything else I’d ever experienced before, because everything about him was different. I was his protector. I was the closest with him I’d ever been with anyone else, because he was not the same as anyone else.  
  
“Yes,” I replied. “I will.”  
  
Some more shuffling from the blonde’s side of the room. “Goodnight Matthew.”  
  
“Goodnight Dominic.”

 


	9. Chapter 9

****  
Dominic and I awoke the morning before Christmas to an off-tempo rendition of Ode To Joy early in the morning. 6:30 in the morning sharp. We both jolted awake, the piano blasting through the thin walls of the house.  
  
“What the hell is that,” Dom groaned, falling back into the bed. I giggled.  
  
“Corrine said something about learning the piano,” I said sleepily. I giggled softly to myself. “I don’t think she’s had many lessons yet.”  
  
There was some yelling, presumably Elena letting her young daughter know that it was in fact not appropriate to practice piano before sunrise, and then silence. I sat still beneath a blanket, until I was aware Dom had fallen asleep again, soft breathing emitting from the bed. It suddenly struck me that I was extremely cold, and I quickly jumped from beneath the covers, racing to find my socks in the still dark room without waking Dom up. I shuffled through my bag, triumphantly coming up with a pair of thick wool socks. I pulled them on and burrowed back down onto my makeshift bed, hoping to get a few more hours of sleep before the traditional Christmas Eve festivities began.  
  
As I willed myself to fall back asleep, I couldn’t help the shivering that had begun to take over my body. I tried to rub my hands together, hoping the friction would bring back feeling in my fingertips, but I was unsuccessful. I tried to be silent, but couldn’t help my shudders. Eventually my teeth began to chatter, echoing loudly in the otherwise silent room. I tried moving my face into my pillow, trying to suppress the sound, but there was no way to end the constant annoying clatter.  
  
I sat awake in my bed for over an hour, shaking the whole time. I was vaguely aware that Dom was awake as well, from the shuffling I could hear. I finally decided to give up, pulling myself from the not so warm blankets. I quickly gathered an old jumper and some jeans, and made my way down the hall, looking forward to a long hot shower.  
  
When I came back into the room, Dom was up and dressed. It was still early. “You can go back to sleep,” I told him.  
  
He smiled softly at me, rubbing his eyes. “Couldn’t sleep with your teeth chattering like that.”  
  
“Ah,” I replied. “Sorry, I’ll have to try and get some more blankets in here before tonight. I get pretty cold at night.”  
  
He nodded, and we sat in silence. I wasn’t sure if the silence was exactly awkward, but let’s just say, it wasn’t exactly comfortable.  
  
I coughed. “Should we go eat breakfast?”  
  
Dom sat up quickly, probably relieved that I’d broken the semi-awkward silence. “Sounds good.”  
  
When we walked into the kitchen, the rest of the family was already in there. Elena was stood at the stove top, making scrambled eggs with one hand and flipping pancakes with the other. “Hope you two are hungry!” she said cheerily.  
  
“Mmm,” Dom replied. “Smells delicious.”  
  
We took a seat at the table beside Sarah and Corrine and across from Paul, who was sipping coffee and typing away on his laptop.  
  
“Paul, honey, no work at the breakfast table,” said Elena.  
  
Paul continued typing away, probably unaware that Dom and I had even entered the room, let alone sat down at the table.  
  
“Watch this,” I told Dom, giggling and moving forward. I quickly shut Paul’s laptop, giggling sporadically when he looked up in shock.  
  
“Matt, you little shit!” he exclaimed, glaring at me from across the table.  
  
The two girls, Dom, and Elena all laughed at Paul’s “angry” face, which was more funny than intimidating.  
  
“You have family over, be polite,” I snickered. Paul rolled his eyes, but couldn’t help letting out a good-hearted chuckle.  
  
Breakfast and the morning went by fast. Dom and I retreated to the room at about noon to wrap the gifts for everyone. When we came back, we ate lunch, then the whole family took a walk down to the park, including Soldier, who was well rested after a long night’s sleep in Sarah’s bed.  
  
We didn’t normally all go out together like this, but I think after I told Paul and Elena about Dom’s whole story, how we met and how this all came to be, they wanted to ensure that he felt like he was part of the family now. The thing that scared me though, was the thought that this could very well be their last time ever meeting Dom. It wasn’t like he was going to live with me forever; eventually, he’d told me, he was going to get a job and move on with his life, away from all the shitty things that had happened recently. It left me feeling confused about my feelings for him. By then, I’d definitely established that I was very attracted to the blonde, that I dreamt of his beautiful angelic face and wonderful body. He was gorgeous, there was no doubt about it. But in other ways, Dom and I had very much become companions, living together under one roof, all in the name of good friendship. We shared meals, took care of the house, and did nothing that would be considered pushing the limits of our friendship, save for the one time I forgot myself and kissed his forehead. I knew that when Dom left, there was going to be a part of me that was empty. Our very civil and ordinary relationship with each other had become normal routine for me. I was now used to waking up to the first pot of water already brewing for tea, to having someone to sip wine with after dinner, to having a second opinion on which film or television program to watch at night. Dom just fit with my lifestyle, and letting him go, having to readjust to living by myself again, was going to be nothing short of strange.  
  
“Dom, give me a push!” came a high pitched squeal from Corrine, interrupting my daydream. Dom smiled, moving forward easily and gently pushing Corrine on the rope swing. He laughed, his entire face lighting up in a way I’d never seen before. He looked like sunshine; it was a sight I told myself I was privileged to witness. He was so absolutely stunning, smiling brightly. He got on so well with Corrine, in such a little amount of time.  
  
“Hold on tight,” he said, pushing her up higher and higher. She screamed in excitement, laughing the whole time as she swung back and forth from the tree.  
  
I smiled brightly and wrapped my arm around Sarah.  
  
“I remember when I used to do that to you,” I giggled. She rolled her eyes and I did a mock gasp. “Are you too embarrassed to talk about being pushed on a swing by your super cool uncle?”  
  
She rolled her eyes again but smiled. We sat down on the grass, Soldier wagging his tail happily between us. Paul and Elena were having an easy conversation with Dominic, and I was glad to have the time alone with my favorite niece.  
  
“He looks so happy,” she whispered softly so that only I could hear. “When Dad told me he was coming, I was worried, that he was going to be like this depressed guy who just moped around the entire holiday.”  
  
I looked at her carefully. “I was worried too,” I said. “I didn’t want him to feel uncomfortable with all these new things, you know?”  
  
“Yeah,” she said. She swallowed thickly, seeming a bit nervous. I looked at her reassuringly, telling her it was okay for her to say whatever was on her mind. “Has anything happened between you two? Like, are you two... Together?”  
  
I shook my head, pinching myself at the hint of sadness I felt as I did so.  
  
“Nothing has happened?”  
  
I was nervous. Talking about relationships with Sarah had never been hard for me; she always understood where I was coming from. That was one of the great things about her being so mature for her age. However, I felt that with Dom’s vulnerability, the fact that he was still a long ways away from complete recovery, that letting my true feelings for him be finally let out would cause him harm.  
  
Then I realized it was just Sarah. My niece. Not some stranger, or someone who knew Dom really well, like Tom. I could trust Sarah. She trusted me with the thing that was nagging the back of her brain, so why couldn’t I do the same?  
  
“I kissed his forehead.”  
  
“That’s all?  
  
“Yeah,” I responded. “And I felt awful after, like I’d betrayed him.”  
  
“You felt awful?” she asked.  
  
“Yeah, I mean...” I groaned, pulling my hair through my fingers in confusion. “Kissing him felt so perfect, but it was too soon. I broke that wall that we’d established together. I went against my word.”  
  
“I think you’re overreacting, Uncle Matt. Dom seems to really like you.”  
  
“I like him too,” I said quietly.  
  
She smiled and moved forward to give me another hug.  
  
“He seems so great,” she said. “You should bring him when you come up for my piano recital in the spring, if he’s still around.”  
  
If he’s still around. Those words caught me off guard, and Sarah must have immediately noticed, because soon, we had changed the conversation and walked over to join the rest of the family.  
  
~  
  
“Matt, can you turn the burner that the rice is cooking on to ‘off’ please?”  
  
I swiftly moved through the kitchen, avoiding Sarah who was chopping carrots for a salad and Elena who was putting the finishing spices into her curry. I turned off the stove, giving the rice one last stir to make sure it hadn’t all stuck together. Paul was setting the table and Dom and Corrine were in a heated game of Go Fish on the carpet next to the brightly lit Christmas tree.  
  
It wasn’t until this holiday that I realized how sociable Dom really was. He’d never talked much, just around me, but it didn’t take long to realize he was amazing with children. Corrine had attached herself to him in the previous 24 hours, to the point where the little girl followed Dom almost everywhere he went. It was absolutely adorable, and made me wonder if Dom had any younger siblings, or previous experience with children.  
  
“Dinner is ready!” Elena called, and we all piled in at the table, anxious for our Christmas Eve feast.  
  
As well all dug in, hums of satisfaction floated around the table.  
  
“This is the best curry I’ve ever had,” Dom said as he allowed himself a second helping. It was amazing how comfortable he was around my family.  
  
“Thank you so much, Dom,” replied Elena.  
  
I was so happy; Dominic was comfortable and I was surrounded by my family, that was all I wanted to ask for.  
  
~  
  
“Matthew, do you want my duvet?” came a quiet voice in the dark. I glanced at the glowing clock in my room; it was already two in the morning on Christmas day, and I hadn’t slept a wink because my body was so cold underneath the thin blankets of my makeshift bed. My teeth chattered together as I tried to create friction to warm myself up, just as I had the previous morning. Nothing seemed to work.  
  
“Then you’ll be cold,” I responded, barely whispering, though I knew by this time that Dom had most likely been wide awake all night as well from my shaking. “I’ll just go out onto the sofa,” I said.  
  
“No! Here...” There was some shifting, and I squinted in the dark trying to see what he was doing. “You’re not sleeping on the sofa. This bed is huge, come here.”  
  
I froze. It’s two in the morning, Matthew. He’s not thinking logically. He’ll regret it later. I felt stuck. Dom did have a point; it was a king sized bed, and we were both relatively small. It’d be like sharing a hotel bed with Paul, which I had done a number of times. But this was Dom. Dom who was raped, almost killed, didn’t trust anyone when I took him in. This would be pushing it.  
  
“Dom, I don’t think that’s a good idea,” I said softly. My freezing body had other ideas though, as an especially big shiver ran its way up my spine.  
  
“You’re freezing. I’ll be fine, I promise.”  
  
Reluctantly, I made my way over to the bed. Dom was looking at me. I searched his face for reluctance, but found nothing. I slowly laid down, as far from him as possible.  
  
“Are you-”  
  
“Matt.”  
  
“Okay,” I whispered, scared that one word would ruin everything. I placed an extra pillow between us to act as a barrier. If it was crossed or broken, things could go wrong.  
  
The duvet was warm, and with the added blankets that I’d been using, my shivers finally ceased, and my limbs regained feeling. Dom was sleeping, I could tell by the heavier breathing. Trying to sleep myself, I wanted to quickly see how much room I had for movement. I shifted my leg slightly in his direction. I moved my left foot over about two feet, and hit another leg. I immediately retracted, noting I had around two feet to move before I touched the blonde. With that, I let myself go, letting my exhausted body finally go to sleep.  
  
~  
  
I was laying on the beach. It was summer, I knew that for sure, and Soldier was beside me, panting happily with that goofy expression all dogs wore when they were full of glee. I turned onto my left side, blinded by a blast of sunshine. It moved closer to me, and I moved closer to it in immediate response. Soldier shuffled his way between, and I giggled. The blast of sunshine giggled too, and I shifted again until I realized it was Dominic. His features became clear, and we were looking into each other’s eyes, blue crashing with grey somewhere in the middle. He looked down between us, something lost, the sunshine fading a bit. I moved forward, closer to him, and he sniffled.  
  
~  
  
It wasn’t like the dream I had before with Dom, when he screamed and Mum was suddenly there. I didn’t jolt awake in a panicked sweat, screams echoing in my ears. My eyes opened slowly, and my vision was clouded. Soldier was in fact between us. He must’ve come into the room while we were both asleep. He was facing Dom, as was I, and the sniffles were still there.  
  
I sat up, an immediate reaction, and looked at Dom. He was crying, shaking.  
  
“Shit Dom,” I whispered frantically. “Hey, you okay?”  
  
“I’m sorry, I had a nightmare,” he whispered back, fear taking over his voice.  
  
“Do you need me to leave?” I asked, already shifting to remove myself from the bed.  
  
“No!” he said suddenly. “No,” he said again, quieter. “Please don’t leave.”  
  
“Okay.” His voice broke me. No less than twelve hours before, Dom had been happy, but here he was again, sounding just like he had in the alleyway when I’d found him almost dead. “I’m here Dom, it’s going to be okay.”  
  
“The man had me again. He was hurting me again.” Dom sniffled and inched closer to me. I knew what was about to happen; I was going to hug him until he stopped crying, to calm his nerves. That was my role now, where I belonged. When he reached me, however, things changed.  
  
I was sat up against the headboard, and he moved forward. First, he placed his head to my chest, just like always, but then seemed to want to be closer. He placed his body against mine, and I could feel him, just, there. It felt so right. I suddenly didn’t care about our age, the fact that this wasn’t supposed to be happening. I placed my hand against his hair, pushing him closer into me and kneading his scalp gently. My right hand drifted to his back, rubbing softly between his shoulder blades to calm his shuddering body.  
  
“Hey Dom, it’s okay, you’re okay,” I soothed.  
  
“Hold me closer.”  
  
I did. I lowered my hands to the middle of his back, pushing him closer up my body before I shrunk down into the bed, pulling the duvet over our exhausted bodies.  
  
He inhaled sharply, the breaths coming out in waves, but didn’t seem to be affected by anything I did. My hand continued rubbing his scalp, and soon I felt two arms wrap around my midsection. There was a voice in the back of my brain telling me to stop it, that this wasn’t okay, but I quickly gave that section of my brain the middle finger, because Dom was holding me back.  
  
“Dom...”  
  
“Mm?” The blonde was beginning to snooze off again, and it hit me that we were in the same bed, cuddling. That had to mean something.  
  
“Is this okay?”  
  
He sat back a bit, but kept his arms around me, and nodded. “Is this okay with you?”  
  
I nodded, and he leaned back into my chest. I was aware of my tee shirt being lifted in the back, but once again my mind was too exhausted to try and stop him. His fingers began running smooth circles on my skin, and the feeling was absolutely electrifying.  
  
We stayed like that for awhile. It didn’t turn into anything more, and soon I found myself almost drifting off into sleep again, until Dom spoke.  
  
“Can I kiss you?”  
  
I looked down at him, unsure of what the question entailed, though it was a simple yes or no question. “Why do you want to kiss me?” I asked, scared of where this might lead us.  
  
“You make me feel safe. You’re amazing. And I really like you, Matt.”  
  
“Are you just saying this bec-”  
  
“No,” he interrupted me. “I’ve been talking to the therapist about it now for a while actually. Ever since they introduced you to me at the hospital, after it all happened, I’ve just felt safe with you.”  
  
“Even when I kissed you?” I asked, flabbergasted.  
  
“Yes, even then. You’re so polite Matt. I’ve never met someone like that, someone who holds me like this when I’m sad and won’t let go.”  
  
“It’s because I care about you,” I whispered.  
  
His eyes looked up at me, and I could see tears. I let my finger catch the falling droplet, but more came after. We didn’t say anything. I pulled him as close to me as I could, because at that moment, all my worries of the previous month had disappeared, and I only wanted to touch him and feel him. Then our lips met.  
  
Whatever happened between us in that bed on that night was unspoken. Something snapped in Dominic, something that finally let him tell me without being scared about how he felt. We were quiet and soft with one another. It wasn’t snogging, but they were real kisses.  
  
I let my lips move against Dominic’s as he did the same with his, and I finally got a taste of what I had been craving for so many weeks. I finally stopped denying myself, and I knew that this was what I wanted. I stopped doubting, and let Dom take over. His lips shined with saliva, his eyes still red rimmed from the earlier tears as he pressed his body closer into mine. I let my leg slip between his; he didn’t pull away. Finally, I placed my arms protectively around his body, and we mutually held each other for the very first time of our lives.

 


	10. Chapter 10

 

I had never woken up with my arms wrapped another person before. On Christmas morning, I did it for the first time ever in my life. When my eyes opened up and my body still felt warm from being so close to Dom, it took me a few seconds to realize it hadn’t all been a dream. He was still asleep, and the morning sunlight peaking through the curtains onto his face was the most beautiful thing I’d seen in quite some time. The blotchiness from the tears the night before was mostly all gone, and his skin quite literally glowed, just begging for me to reach out and run my fingers over.

When I let the tips of my fingers ghost the skin on his cheek, his eyes flickered open, and suddenly deep grey engulfed me. I suddenly worried; what if he regretted everything? What if this wasn’t going to work out?

I bit my lip, anxiety beginning to take over as Dom simply stared at me. I considered removing my arms from around him. Maybe it was all a big mistake, just a one night thing, and we would never speak of this again for as long as we knew each other.

The bright, heart melting smile he gave me whisked all my worries away.

“Good morning,” he croaked, looking at me sheepishly.

I smiled dorkily back at him. I couldn’t help myself, pulling him closer to me. “Merry Christmas Dom,” I said softly.

“Merry Christmas,” he whispered back, inching upwards, away from my chest and toward my lips.

As we kissed lightly the first time that morning, my heart fluttered in my chest. We were both so shy, afraid to deepen things. Half of me was scared I’d make Dom uncomfortable, and the other half was scared one of my family members, most likely Corrine, would burst through the door at any second.

Dom giggled softly as I moved my lips from his, settling for laying gentle pecks to his chin. “I can’t believe we’re doing this,” he said quietly, returning my kisses with one to my neck.

“Me neither,” I replied, smiling as we pulled apart. I hugged him tightly; I was quickly becoming addicted to the action of holding Dominic. “Do you like this?” I asked carefully, not wanting to push things too far.

“I love this,” he said, reaching up and attaching our lips together once more.

I giggled into his lips. “No more getting away with sleeping on the sofa.”

“Fair enough,” he giggled, sucking on my bottom lip.

We kissed for a few more minutes, familiarizing ourselves with each other’s mouths. Dom was a good kisser, and I worried about myself not being up to par, considering I’d only kissed maybe three or four other people in my life at most. His soft grunts of satisfaction were like music to my ears; I must’ve been doing something right.

“We should go out there before someone comes looking for us,” I mumbled, not making any effort to get up.

“I like this though,” he said, pulling away and frowning.

“I’m glad.” I smiled to show him I meant it. “Corrine is going to come in here and jump on us if we don’t go out there though. Plus we have to see what Santa brought us,” I said with a wink, pushing the duvet off of us.

“Ooh I can’t wait,” he giggled, stretching his arms out. We were silent as we changed into clothes appropriate for Christmas. I grabbed two Santa hats and Soldier’s reindeer horns, and just as I went to open the door, the knob twisted and a screaming Corrine ran in.

“Merry Christmas!” she squealed, pulling us both from the room before we could say no. We were led into the family room where the whole family was gathered, all sporting ugly Christmas jumpers and Santa Claus hats just like Dom and me. I quickly moved forward and placed the jingly reindeer antlers onto Soldier’s head.

Elena brought us both steaming cups of tea and kissed us both sweetly on the cheek. Hugs were exchanged between everyone (a handshake between Dom and Paul), a “Merry Christmas” was wished to everyone, and Corrine began digging into her gifts.

Dom and I sat comfortably on the sofa with Soldier nestled on my lap. How he managed to curl up and fit there was out of my knowledge. Sarah and Corrine both sat at the base of the tree, while Paul sat off to the side, acting as Santa, as Elena moved around the room, taking pictures and refilling empty tea cups.

Corrine loved her jewelry making kit, much to my relief, as well as a small box of sweets I’d picked up at the last minute for her.

“Thank you so much Uncle Matt,” she said, giving me a hug. She then turned to Dom. “You too Uncle Dom.”

I swallowed thickly. Paul fidgeted as his daughter said those words and gave Dom the same hug she’d given me. Paul whispered something into his wife’s ear, and they both looked at us. I gave a small smile, hoping no one noticed the uncomfortable feeling that took over the room.

My relationship (or at least how it had been before the previous night) was never fully explained to Corrine; she was too young to be informed of the harsh things people possibly have to face in life, like rape. She’d simply been told that Dominic was a friend of mine. In her brain, which was still hooked on magical fairytales about knights and princes and princesses and dragons, she just made it out to be that Dom and I were together. As a couple. There was nothing wrong with the interpretation, in fact, it wasn’t completely incorrect, after what had happened the previous night. But no one in the family knew that, except for Dom and me, so I could tell everyone was a bit on edge.

Sarah interrupted the silence, bless her heart, by picking up a small parcel and handing it to Corrine.

“This one is from me,” she said with a smile, and I shot her a glance, saying “thank you” with my eyes. She nodded in understanding, and the relaxed environment soon replaced the tense one as Corrine opened up the package, smiling as she pulled out a bright pink bracelet.

“Sissy, I love it!” she exclaimed, giving Sarah a big hug.

More gifts were passed around; Paul and Elena were thankful as always for the bottle of champagne, and I received some new linens for my bed back home from Paul and Elena, as well as a Jeff Buckley record from Sarah.

There were only two gifts left: my gifts to Sarah and Dom. I gave Sarah her’s first, and she quickly unwrapped the parcel, smiling the second she recognized the packaging.

“You didn’t.”

“I did,” I said, smiling brightly when her eyes lit up as she unboxed the brand new studio headphones.

“Uncle Matt, these are so perfect! Thank you!”

She hugged me softly, and settled back down to the floor, helping Corrine to set up one of her new doll houses. Paul and Elena went into the kitchen to finish making breakfast, and I turned to Dom. “Your gift is in the room,” I said quietly. “Let’s go.”

Dom nodded, and we walked back to the room. I shut the door behind us and shuffled through my bag, looking for his present.

“I feel bad for not getting you anything,” he said quietly as he sat down on the bed.

“Don’t be silly,” I replied, finally finding the gift. I handed it to him as he shrugged, obviously feeling a bit bad for having nothing for me in return. I really didn’t mind a bit. Just having him safe and with me was worth more than any gift in the world.

He slowly unwrapped the paper until he held a small rectangular shaped package in his hand. He simply stared at it, not moving. I waited for him to say something.

“This is an iPhone,” he finally blurted out.

I chuckled. “Yes it is.”

“I don’t deserve this.”

“Dom, really,” I said with a laugh, wrapping my arm around him and pulling him closer. “I got a special deal. You’re on my mobile plan now, it barely costs me anything at all. Plus, now you can call Tom and listen to music, all that good stuff. And if you ever need to contact me when I’m at work, you can.”

“I honestly don’t know what to say,” he said softly.

“Then don’t say anything,” I replied, laying a gentle kiss to his cheek.

“Thank you so much,” he whispered, turning his head so that I was kissing his lips rather than his cheek. “This means so much,” he mumbled into my lips as I cautiously lifted my hands, softly stroking his cheekbone with my left hand and caressing the back of his head with my right.

I let my fingers run a path across the back of his neck, right where his skin met his hairline, and he shivered beneath my touch. “Does that feel good?” I asked quietly.

“Yeah, feels really good,” he mumbled into my lips.

I pulled away from his kiss, and let my other hand go to his shoulders. I began to rub and knead his tight muscles and he moaned, rolling his head a bit. “You’re so tense, Dom.”

“Yeah, been kind of stressed recently.”

“I’m sorry.”

“It’s okay. It’s better now. Because of you.”

My heart fluttered and I remained silent as I continued to rub his sore muscles, digging my fingers in to try and undo the tight knots.

“Fuck,” he hissed. My fingers let up a bit and he moaned. “Hurts but it feels good.”

“Mhmm.” I left gentle kisses to the back of his head as I massaged his shoulders. We stayed silent for about ten minutes before I finally removed my hands. “Better?” I asked. He nodded and turned his body so we were facing each other again. We kissed lightly for a few seconds, then got ready to go back out with the rest of the family.

~

The hours leading up to Christmas dinner were hectic as always. Paul insisted on checking the turkey every twenty minutes on the dot to make sure it was absolutely perfect. Elena had more than her two hands full as she prepared everything else for the meal, from the green beans to the salad to the drinks for the adults. She insisted that Dom and I relax, so we did just that. I wasn’t going to fight her, not when my brother held a knife in his hand that was meant for carving the turkey, but could definitely do some more damage than that.

The four of us, Dom, Sarah, Corrine, and I, all gathered around the telly, getting ready to watch Tim Burton’s “The Nightmare Before Christmas”. It had been a Christmas tradition since 1995, when Sarah was born. I knew every line by heart, and although I was an adult, I still loved watching the film, especially with the kids. When “This Is Halloween” started, instead of singing along with the rest of the family, Dom simply stared.

“Have you never seen this film before?” I asked, stunned.

He shook his head. “Nope.”

“You’re kidding!” Sarah exclaimed.

Dom laughed and shrugged, turning his attention back to the film.

It was a small thing really; there were probably a lot of people who had never seen the film. But that was just a small part of it. Something nudged me in the back of my brain, telling me Dom had never spent Christmas with his family. Maybe Dom had never even really had Christmas with anyone before. I wanted to make sure that would never happen again.

We watched the film in silence while Paul and Elena shuffled about in the kitchen, preparing the large meal. Wonderful smells began drifting into the room where everyone else was, and we all became anxious at the prospect of food as the film ended.

When the announcement was made that dinner was ready, we all scrambled up from the sofa like little kids. I sat next to Dom, giving his hand a discreet squeeze beneath the table. He smiled at me and squeezed back, and I wanted to kiss him so badly. I was about to. I thought, “Fuck it, they’re going to find out soon enough”, but was interrupted by a huge platter of turkey placed in the center of the table. My stomach won over, and soon my mouth was busy eating the perfectly cooked meat, rather than kissing Dom.

Red cinnamon scented candles were lit and classic Christmas carols floated in from the radio, and the room took in a very relaxed vibe. Small talk was made, stories were told, and things were just perfect. The only thing that could’ve made it better was if my mum and dad had still been around. I pushed that thought out of my mind and focused on only the good things: the delicious food, my brother and his family, Soldier, Dominic. Dominic. Dom made me so happy. So happy in fact that if I could make him feel even a fraction of the happiness he made me feel, I would be proud of myself.

The night sped by. Soon enough, Corrine was asleep next to Soldier by the fire, Elena and Sarah were laying in comfortable silence next to them, Paul was stretched out on the large sofa, and Dom and I took up the smaller one. He was so close to dozing off as I gently rubbed his socked feet. His eyelids looked to be growing heavy, and when they finally closed I smiled in affection, continuing to rub his feet.

Paul was looking at us, and raised one eyebrow, questioning me silently. I smiled in return, giving him a nod and confirming his suspicions. His smile grew wider, and he leaned down to Elena, who now had a sleeping Sarah by her side, and whispered something into her ear. She turned and looked at Dom and I, letting out a quiet “aw”. I blushed, turning back to the blonde.

I rubbed his feet then his calves for the better of an hour, and with a line of soft snores coming from his mouth, I congratulated myself for luring him into what looked like a very restful sleep. Everyone else had gone to bed, so I carefully extracted myself from under his legs. Things would be much more comfortable in the warm bed.

“Dom,” I whispered, poking him in the shoulder. No response. I giggled quietly to myself and poked him again. This time, he shifted, but continued snoring. “Dom, time for bed, wake up.”

“Mmmm.”

“What?”

“Noooooo,” he mumbled in his sleep.

I giggled again and shook my head at the sleepy blonde. He left me no choice; I carefully put my arms underneath his knees and back, and lifted him from the sofa. My balance faltered a bit as I moved down the hall and to the room, but we made it there with relatively few speed bumps. I placed him on the bed and gave his forehead a gentle touch with my lips, before I turned to change.

I pulled off my grey trousers and jumper, shivering in only my boxers. I shuffled through my bag, trying to find where I had left my old tee shirt and pajamas. I found them and quickly pulled them on, and moved back to the bed. Dom’s eyes were open and I smiled down at him.

“You want to change?” I asked.

He shook his head and moved up a bit, pulling his tee shirt over his head and tossing it to the floor. “Boxers should be fine,” he said, sleep still evident in his voice. I watched as he reached under the duvet, and I swallowed thickly when I heard a zipper and some shuffling. A few seconds later and Dom’s jeans were tossed to the floor along with his shirt.

I silently got under the duvet, shivering into the blankets. My back was to Dom; I wanted to give him some space. I still wasn’t quite sure where our relationship was heading. Obviously, something was there, mutual between the two of us. What that entitled however, would be completely up to Dom. I was fine with anything, whether it be a real dating thing, with holding hands in public and going out to dinner and such, or just a more physical companionship thing, with me always being there to hold Dom if he needed it.

“Can you hold me again?” came a soft whisper in the darkness. I smiled to myself and flipped over, facing Dom. His eyes glowed at me, and I moved forward wordlessly, granting his wish as I placed my arms around his body and held him close to me. I placed gentle kisses on his forehead, which he returned to my cheekbones.

We fell asleep like that: Dom’s head against my chest, his blonde hair tickling my chin as I locked my arms around him, never wanting to let him go. His soft breathing and warm body lured me to sleep, and right as I slipped into the unknown, a small smile tugged at my lips, for I had never fallen asleep a happier man.

~

The next evening, Dom and I found ourselves driving back to London. The drive was quiet, though I found the atmosphere of the car very different than it had been on the way over. Dom smiled almost the entire time, Queen played softly from the car stereo, and Soldier sat in the back seat, continuously wagging his tail for the duration of the trip.

When we pulled back up to my house (was it our house now?), we both just sat there in the front seat, smiling to ourselves. I turned off the engine, but left the key in the ignition, and turned to face Dom. He looked at me, huge smile brightening up his entire face, and I couldn’t keep it in me any longer. We both simultaneously reached over the center console, grasping each other’s hands, and leaned in for a kiss.

I was never going to grow tired of kissing Dom. Our lips seemed to fit so perfectly together, our mouths so in tune with one another it could only be explained by fate. As Dom’s grey eyes held onto my blue ones, my heart fluttered. I felt a hand placed behind my head, and suddenly, there was more weight on me. Dom was completely leaning over the console, making our kiss deeper, hotter. Breaths became faster, hair was pulled, and we were all over each other.

“Let’s go inside,” I panted into his mouth, and he nodded as we pulled apart. I quickly opened up the car door for Soldier, and nearly pulled Dom into the house. We left our things in the car; those could be unpacked in the morning.

We moved quickly, and soon enough we were on the sofa, Dom straddling my thighs, leaving his marks on my neck. “Oh my God,” I moaned, squirming beneath his body as he let his teeth pinch my skin. I ignored the tightness I was beginning to feel in my crotch, as well as the hardness I could sense that was poking me in the thigh, because all I wanted was for Dom to keep sucking on my skin. “Fuck.”

“Is this okay?” he asked suddenly, sitting back on his haunches. I nodded, unable to make words come out of my mouth and he smiled softly, leaning back down to place our lips against each other’s again. “You make me feel so safe,” he whispered, and I managed to open my eyes long enough to see him staring down at me, tears filling his own.

I quickly sat up and reached forward, pulling him into me. “Hey,” I said softly, holding him tightly. “It’s okay, I’ve got you now.” I began rubbing his back again and he relaxed, melting into my body. We just fit so perfectly together.

“Thank you so much, Matthew,” he said quietly. He looked at me again, tears in his eyes, sniffling a bit. “You’re the most amazing man I’ve ever met.”

“Oh Dom,” I said, leaning back into him, willing myself not to cry. I stroked his blonde hair, placing gentle kisses on his cheek as tears ran down his face. Soldier stared at us from his place on the carpet, looking worried as he always did when Dom was sad.

“I just want to stop crying.”

“You will, I promise.”

“I feel weak.”

I shook my head, grasping his hand and holding it tightly. “You’re here. You’re alive. And that makes you the strongest person I know.”


	11. Chapter 11

****  
I stretched back in my chair, reaching for my coffee cup and frowning when I felt that it was empty. It had been a long day; seven lessons in a row, an hour for each, with absolutely no breaks. The after holiday rush for makeup lessons always left me exhausted, and I still had three lessons to go that day. I took a glance at my schedule, sighing with relief when I saw I had an hour slot before my next student, and would have time to go across the street and grab another coffee and a salad for a late lunch from Starbucks.  
  
When I walked back into the studio, ceasar salad and cinnamon latte in hand, I saw that the studio door next to mine was open. It had been unoccupied for months, ever since the last drum teacher moved out. The light was on, and after setting my lunch down on the stool in my own little room, I went to investigate.  
  
“Hello?” I asked, knocking on the door, seeing a man bent over a box of what looked to be cymbals.  
  
“Oh,” he said, spinning around and smiling. “You must be Matthew!” He walked over to me and offered me his hand, which I shook as I gave him a nod, confirming that I was indeed Matthew. “I’m Chris, the new drum teacher.”  
  
“Ah!” I exclaimed. “Gloria told me we had a newbie coming today, it’s great to meet you, Chris.”  
  
“Likewise,” he replied, big brown eyes twinkling as he ran a hand through his curly brown hair. He was a big man, but already from our short conversation I could tell he was kind, gentle. “You mind helping me carry a few more boxes from the boot of my car?”  
  
“Not at all,” I said with a smile. “I’d be happy to help, I still have 45 minutes before my next student.”  
  
As we walked out to his car and he handed me a box of sheet music, I asked if he had just moved to London or if he was simply coming from a different studio.  
  
“Just moved here,” he replied. “From Brixham actually.” I smiled, but let him continue. “Kids are finally old enough to manage the big city, so my wife, Kelly, and I decided to make the move here while the market is still good. We managed to get a house right across the street from one of Kelly’s best friends, which was pretty great.”  
  
“Wow that’s amazing,” I responded. “I grew up in Teignmouth, not too far from you! Just a little bit up the beach.”  
  
“Hey that’s great!” he said, smiling. We walked back into the studio, boxes in hand, and I set them down on the floor. “Thanks mate.”  
  
“Glad I could help.”  
  
“I really appreciate it. It should be fun working together. You should come over for dinner sometime, Kelly wants to have a few people over, and it’d be great to make some friends in this big city.”  
  
I grinned at the idea of being invited to dinner by someone actually around my age: a rare treat for me. “That’d be great! Is it okay if my...” I lagged at the end of the sentence. What was Dom exactly? Was it too early to consider him a boyfriend? Was he my partner? I coughed a bit, and Chris eyed me warily. “Is it okay if my housemate joins?”  
  
“Of course!” said the bigger man with a chuckle. “It’d be our pleasure. The more the merrier, right?”  
  
I smiled in agreement, then excused myself to eat my lunch and get ready for my next student.  
  
~  
  
“Bye Matthew!”  
  
“Goodbye Henry,” I said, waving to my last student as he skipped out the door with his dad. I smiled, then collapsed in a chair by the front desk in pure exhaustion. “I have never been more tired,” I said to Gloria, stifling a yawn.  
  
She laughed lightly. “Go home and get some sleep, Matt,” she said, patting my back softly.  
  
“Mmm, gotta cook dinner for Dom.”  
  
“Let him take care of you for once!” she said with a roll of her eyes. “I’m sure he’s not completely worthless in the kitchen.”  
  
I giggled, remembering New Year’s Eve.  
  
“I swear the package said 30 minutes! I don’t know what happened!”  
  
I chuckled to myself, picking up a chicken wing, completely burnt.  
  
“Looks delicious,” I exclaimed, poking him in the ribs.  
  
“Oh shut up!” said Dom. “Is the sushi takeaway place open tonight?”  
  
“Oh I don’t know about that,” I said to Gloria, giggling again. “I’ll just pick up a frozen pizza or something on the way home.”  
  
She nodded, shuffling through some papers on the desk. “How have things been going with him?” she asked.  
  
I was unable to stop the smile that quickly spread like a wildfire across my face, and she gave me a knowing look.  
  
“I’m so happy for you Matt. I’ve always worried about you; it’s good that you found someone.”  
  
Worried? What for?  
  
“You were always alone. I know you like living simply, but sometimes you just came in looking so alone and unhappy.”  
  
I’d never noticed that before. Was Dom really having that positive of an effect on me? Even after only a couple of weeks?  
  
I gave her a small smile, then somehow managed to pull my exhausted body from my chair, back to my room to gather my things, and out to my car to drive home.  
  
When I opened the door at home, frozen pizza to pop in the oven for dinner in hand, and walked in, the house was relatively silent. “Dom?” I called, slipping out of my shoes and moving down the hall, setting my bag by the foot of the stairs. “I’m home.” I looked in the kitchen and living room; Dom was nowhere to be found. I wandered up the stairs to change, starting to feel a bit worried. Perhaps he was just taking a shower.  
  
When I walked into my room I jumped back in surprise. Dom and Soldier were both sound asleep, snuggled together under the duvet on my bed. No, not my bed anymore. Our bed. The bed we’d slept in, together, for the past week and a half. I smiled and walked over to them, leaning down and placing a soft kiss to his blonde hair. He shuffled in his sleep, and eventually rolled over and opened up his eyes, grey engulfing me. Just like it had every morning for the previous eight mornings.  
  
“Your skin is so beautiful in the morning,” he whispered, tracing the veins down my forearms as the chilly new year sunlight streamed in through the window. He placed a soft kiss to my wrist, and I smiled contentedly, wanting to burrow back into the sheets and fall back asleep with him in my arms. “I’m sorry about the chicken last night,” he said with a giggle.  
  
I laughed too, and reached up to kiss him on the lips. So smooth and beautiful. “It’s okay. I quite enjoyed our last minute sushi date,” I giggled, remembering the taste of soy sauce on his lips after our meal.  
  
“Mmm, was nice,” he said. “Can we just stay like this all day?” he asked, moving so that our legs intertwined underneath the duvet.  
  
“I would have absolutely no objection to that.”  
  
“Hey sleepy head,” I said, smiling down at him. I lifted up the plastic Tesco bag I held in my hand. “I brought home some pizza.”  
  
He smiled. “Mmm, sounds perfect.” He rose to a sitting position, stretching up and yawning as he slowly made his way out of bed.  
  
“How was work?” Dom asked once we were sat at the new kitchen table, waiting for the pizza to cook with two glasses of wine between us.  
  
“Hectic, but good. What’d you do all day?”  
  
“Read a book this morning, then went to lunch with Tom and Arianna-” I smiled at that. It was good for Dom to get out every now and then. “-and then I came home and decided to take a short nap, which turned into a very long one.”  
  
“Sound relaxing. How are Tom and Arianna, are they well?”  
  
Dom nodded and smiled. “It was good to catch up. I told them about us.”  
  
“Oh?” I asked, taking a sip of wine.  
  
“Yeah,” Dom said sheepishly. “They were very happy. They want to go on a double date sometime.”  
  
“And you’re okay with that? Going on a, uh, date, with me?”  
  
He nodded again. “I really like you Matt. I care about you and every second of every day since you saved me, I’ve felt like you care about me as well. I think what we have together...” He gestured between us. “We could really be something great.”  
  
“You think?” I asked shyly, smiling as I reached across the table to hold his hand.  
  
“Yes, I do.”  
  
My heart fluttered. “Dom, I have something to confess to.”  
  
His smile immediately turned. After looking so confident just moments before, he looked small and terrified of me, of what I might be. “Wh-What is it?” he stuttered.  
  
“Nothing bad!” I quickly reassured him, taking his hand and running my fingers over his knuckles. “I guess. It’s just, that...” I wasn’t sure how to bring up the topic of my inexperience when I was so much older than him. I was blushing, honestly embarrassed by myself.  
  
“Matt you can tell me, whatever it is, I won’t laugh.”  
  
I swallowed, trying to figure out how to word it. Would it be best to just come right out with it? I figured it would. “I... I’m probably the least experienced 32 year old gay man you will ever meet.”  
  
Dom smiled at me. Not mockingly; it wasn’t a smirk. His smile was reassuring, reminding me that it was okay, that my inexperience wasn’t going to make any difference in this crazy relationship we’d developed with each other.  
  
“Almost all of my previous relationships have been nonconsensual. We both have things to learn then, I guess,” he said, smiling softly at me.  
  
“I’m willing if you are.”  
  
“I’m more than willing.”  
  
~  
  
“Have I ever told you how much I love the taste of honey on your lips?” Dominic asked the next night as we found ourselves dressed in only our boxers and in bed early after watching a film about an alien takeover and sipping chamomile tea.  
  
“You may have told me a few times,” I giggled.  
  
“Well I’m telling you again right now; I love the taste of honey on your lips,” he said, sucking my bottom lip into his mouth. I moaned and rolled my hips closer to his, seeking contact. I let my fingers fall to his ribs, tracing the jagged scar there, still in its last stages of healing. He shivered beneath my touch, his skin sensitive to the simplest contact. “I wish that scar wasn’t there,” he whispered, moving his hand to begin tracing my ribs as I traced his. “It’s so ugly and a terrible reminder of that night.”  
  
“I’m so sorry Dom,” I replied softly as my skin quivered from under his fingertips. I removed my hand from his scar and watched him. He remained silent as his fingers began tracing the intricate feathers of the dove on my tattoo.  
  
“I usually think bird tattoos are cliche,” he said softly. “A lot of people get them. But yours is the most beautiful piece of art I’ve ever seen.” His hand fell a bit, and soon his entire palm was touching my ribs, right where the ink was. I breathed in deeply, trembling a bit at the raw emotion I could hear in his quiet voice.  
  
I decided it was time. “I got it when I was 18. Paul has one too, an eagle, for our dad.”  
  
“And the dove is for your mum, right?” Dom asked softly.  
  
“Yes,” I replied, trying not to crack. “The dove was to represent the renewal of life. Mum was a caretaker, a helper, loving of everyone and everything, good or bad. The eagle represents protection. Dad always looked out for Paul and me, always, especially after I came out. He was there every step of the way, our guardian.” A soft rub on my shoulder calmed me, and I opened my eyes to meet Dom’s soft ones looking at me intently. I could tell he wanted me to tell him more, about everything. “I was 16. Paul and Elena had just gotten married and were pregnant with Sarah. I stayed late at the market after school one day, just to spend some time with my mates.” I took a shaky breath and Dom placed a gentle kiss to my neck, squeezing my hand to let me know it was okay. “I came home and right away, I could tell something was wrong. Something was just off, kind of like the night I found you.” Dom shuddered at that, so I quickly continued. “I unlocked the front door right as I heard the first gunshot and the scream.”  
  
“Oh my God,” Dom gasped.  
  
I swallowed thickly, beginning to choke up. I felt the familiar burn of tears in my eyes, the pale blotchiness of my skin that always occurred when I was upset returning. “I ran into the kitchen. No one was there. I went into the garage and...” I had to stop for a moment. I inhaled quickly, trying to let my breath catch up. “Dad was already dead. And then he shot Mum. Right in front of me.” My body suddenly convulsed and I found myself shaking in Dom’s arms, crying out.  
  
I felt so weak. It happened 16 years ago, I should’ve been over it. But I wasn’t. Instead, I was being held by the man who needed to be receiving comfort, not giving it to me. I couldn’t stop myself though, and I finally had to give in that I wasn’t as strong as I made myself out to be.  
  
“It’s okay,” Dom soothed, stroking my hair from my face as I cried. I felt a hand go behind my back, and was then pushed closer to Dom. He nudged my leg, implying that he wanted to move them. I let him, and soon our legs were intertwined and my back was being rubbed as I shook in Dom’s arms. I kept on sniffling, trying to keep the tears at bay. “You can cry, it’s okay to cry.”  
  
I suddenly wailed, shocking both Dom and myself, then was reduced to full on tears again. It’d been so long since I’d talked about their murder.  
  
“The man ran off when I showed up. They never found him,” I sniffled. “Sometimes I have nightmares, when I’m back home in Teignmouth, that he’s going to come back to our house and kill Paul, Elena, Sarah, and Corrine. And maybe even me.”  
  
“Matthew-”  
  
“If I had come home when I was supposed to, none of it would’ve happened,” I sobbed.  
  
“Don’t you dare blame yourself. Please. It wasn’t your fault.”  
  
“They could still be here,” I whispered with a shaky breath. “You could’ve met them and they would’ve loved you and-”  
  
“Shh, Matt,” Dom said softly, rubbing my back and wiping the tears that were trailing down my cheeks. I leaned into his chest, trying to silence my sobs. I remained still for a long time, only the occasional shaky breath or tremble telling Dom that I was still awake.  
  
After quite some time in silence, I broke it. “I’m so sorry for pulling you into that.”  
  
“Don’t be sorry,” Dom whispered back. “I’m glad you told me.”  
  
I closed my eyes, focusing on keeping my breathing steady. “Not many people have seen me break down like that.”  
  
“Really?”  
  
I nodded, taking deep breaths, calming my heart rate. “Only Paul and the therapist I saw until I was 26.”  
  
“Ten years?”  
  
I nodded. “Mhm. Managed to stay in school and go to uni, but it was hard.”  
  
“I can’t even imagine witnessing something like that,” he whispered. “I mean, I lost my parents too, but it was nothing tragic like what you had to deal with.”  
  
“Can you tell me?” I asked softly, brushing his blonde hair off his forehead. He nodded.  
  
“Mum left when I was five. She took my little sister too. I don’t remember much about them: blonde hair like me, I think, and maybe grey eyes too?” He sighed, shifting a bit under the duvet. I held him close to me, never wanting to leave the warmth that his body brought me. “I don't even remember her name,” he said sadly. “My dad went to jail when I was ten. Ever since then, I’ve lived either with Tom or on the streets.”  
  
I gasped. “Your father is in jail?”  
  
Dom shrugged. “It was his own damn fault for what he did to me.” I swallowed thickly, unsure of what those words meant. I was going to ask, but didn’t need to, seeing as Dom kept talking. “He was arrested for child molestation.” I felt my stomach drop. “I thought it was just me, but apparently it wasn’t. He did it whenever family friends came to our house with kids; he’d take them to the bonus room to show them the toys we had there, and he’d touch them.”  
  
“Oh my God, that makes me sick,” I said, feeling nauseous just at the thought.  
  
“Me too. I’m glad he’s in jail.”  
  
I shook my head. “You don’t deserve these things Dom. All this shit people put on you, why?”  
  
He shrugged again. “Maybe this was all meant to happen. Hell, if that hadn’t happened, I probably never would’ve been raped. And then I never would’ve met you.”  
  
I smiled and placed a light kiss to his cheek. “I think we came into each other’s lives at just the right time.”  
  
“Me too, Matt.” We kissed lightly, and I pulled the duvet over both our bodies. “Me too.”  
  
~  
  
A buzz in my pocket the next day interrupted my lunch break with Chris. I checked the caller I.D., smiled, and sent a silent apology to the drum teacher as I stood up to take the call.  
  
“Hey Paul,” I said into the receiver, walking out into the main part of the studio so as not to interrupt the ongoing lessons.  
  
“Hello Matt, how are things?”  
  
I smiled. “Very well, and you?”  
  
“Great. Listen, Elena and I are taking Corrine to Cirque du Soleil in London for her birthday this weekend, and we were wondering if Sarah could stay with you for a few days.”  
  
My face lit up. “That would be great!” I exclaimed. “As long as she doesn’t mind the sofa, she’s more than welcome to stay with me.”  
  
“Thank you so much Matt,” said Paul. “We were worried she’d have to sit around in the hotel all weekend, we only bought three tickets for the show.”  
  
“It’s not a problem. Will we be able to all meet up though? I’d love to be there for Corrine’s birthday dinner!”  
  
“Of course,” Paul said with a chuckle.  
  
“Um...” I started. “Can Dom come?” I asked shyly.  
  
“Why wouldn’t he come? How are you two doing, by the way? I haven’t had much time to talk to you since Christmas.”  
  
I smiled, my heart doing somersaults in my chest. “We’re... Official. I guess that’s what you’d call it.”  
  
“Oh my God, Matt, that’s great! I’m so happy for you!”  
  
“Thanks,” I whispered through the phone line, unable to stop my smile from spreading even further across my face. “I’m happy too.”  
  
“You guys are perfect for one another. I knew it the second I laid eyes on him, Matt. He’s a keeper.”  
  
“Thanks, Paul. That really means a lot,” I said, smiling.  
  
“I’m so proud of you, you know that? I know you hate talking about this, but I’ve sensed that in recent years Mum and Dad’s loss has really gotten to you. You’ve seemed just kind of distant from everyone else. I can’t really explain it. But now, you just seem so happy.”  
  
“Really?”  
  
“Yes. He fills that empty gap in you. Even just talking on the phone with you now, your voice is lighter, easier, happier. You’re the little brother I knew when I was a kid.”  
  
“Paul,” I choked. “That means so much.”  
  
I could sense him smiling across the line, and I sat down on a chair at the front desk, propping my foot over my knee.  I smiled to myself, keeping quiet as I heard Paul shuffling on the other side.  
  
“You still there?” he asked.  
  
“Yep,” I replied, unable to keep the smile out of my voice.  
  
Paul laughed softly. “You love him, don’t you?”  
  
I thought about that for a second; Dominic was a young man I’d come across on a walk at three in the morning, a man who’d been raped and nearly beaten to death, whom I took in and cared for until he was strong again, whom I hugged and held when he was sad, kissed when he needed it, and slept with every night for the previous two weeks. I thought about the adventures along the way, the giggles over too many bottles of wine, the fun in late night Christmas decorating, the last minute trip to a sushi restaurant on New Year’s Eve after an unsuccessful cooking session. But mostly, I thought about the conversation we’d had no less than 24 hours previous, the conversation in which we learned about the things that had affected us the most: our parents. I remembered when I’d told him, how he never judged, never told me to get over their death. I recalled how he held me and stroked my hair when I finally broke down and let it all go.  
  
I closed my eyes, still holding my mobile up to my ear, and nodded to myself. “I think I do.”


	12. Chapter 12

****  
If there was one thing I was extra careful with when it came to Dom, it was with how much I pushed him. Right away I knew that this relationship would be different from all others; our circumstances were very unlike most other couple’s. I had to be slow with him, careful not to say too much or make too big of a move. He had been violated in the worst possible way, in a place no one but a lover should ever be allowed to go. One wrong move on my part, and he would be out the door in a second, away from me and the love I wanted to give him for a long time to come.  
  
Of course, natural physical reaction to a stimulus in the morning was basically unavoidable, and although I had slept with Dominic in my arms every night for weeks now, Friday morning, just an hour or so before Sarah would be coming to stay with us, was the first time I had awoken, quite literally, attached to him. My chest was flat against his back, his bum pushed into my hips, and I felt the all too familiar morning hardness in my boxers.  
  
I panicked, moving to flip the duvet off of us so I could scramble to the toilet and take care of the problem before he woke up and noticed it poking him in the back. As I began to move away from the heat of his body, I felt a hand touch my bare hip and pull me closer. Dom had reached behind himself, found my body, and held me, making me unable to get out of the bed.  
  
“Dom,” I whispered. “Let me out.”  
  
“Mmm.”  
  
“Dom, are you asleep?”  
  
He turned around and stared at me, eyes open. “No,” he giggled. “Why are you leaving though, you have the day off I thought?”  
  
“I do, but um...” I swallowed thickly and looked down at my crotch.  
  
He raised one eyebrow, indicating me to go on.  
  
“Morning erection, should probably go take care of it.”  
  
He frowned at me. “Why?”  
  
“Because it’s uncomfortable,” I said, beginning to blush in embarrassment. Why did he keep asking questions? I was beginning to feel incredibly awkward, wanting to run into the toilet and take care of it as fast as possible so that I could come back and forget it had even happened.  
  
“Oh,” he said, giving me a tiny smile. I scrunched up my forehead in confusion just as Dom suddenly moved forward, capturing my lips.  
  
“Oh,” I moaned, letting my mouth open up for his tongue to enter.  
  
“Yes, oh,” he smiled against my lips. I chuckled, willing to postpone my wank for kissing him instead.  
  
The kisses started off soft and innocent, both of us turned on our sides facing one another. Dom’s hands were laced in my hair, pulling slightly at the strands as I lightly kissed his lips with limited pressure, wanting to savor the moment, the taste. He was absolutely gorgeous, the most beautiful man I ever could’ve asked to wake up in bed with.  
  
As I held him and our lips connected, he inched forward, getting a bit of leverage and making the kisses seem less innocent and holding more want. His hands were on my chest then, my fingers in his hair as I moved his lips down to mine with more force. Our tongues twisted together and soft moans of approval from Dominic began to float around the otherwise quiet room. We shifted until Dom was on top of me, snogging me from above. I could feel the heat from him all over, and my hips - without permission, though I didn’t mind - snapped up to meet his.  
  
“Holy shit,” he groaned as our hardening cocks brushed. I held my breath, my pulse quickened, and I was suddenly unsure of how he would react. He ground back down with his hips, and our lips crashed as my previous worries washed away.  
  
“Oh fuck Dom,” I whispered, feeling my heart begin to beat faster and faster. I looked up at him, his grey eyes smiling at me as we kissed and slowly moved against one another. The layer of depression, anxiety, fear, and stress that had marked his skin since the rape had been peeled away, a new Dom underneath. I saw pleasure in his expression, happiness. Bliss. It was the first time in my life I saw Dominic Howard experiencing pleasure, and oh how I knew I would never get sick of seeing that expression.  
  
I let my fingers rest on his hips, rocking my body underneath his. The friction we were creating was nothing too intense; it was the perfect stimulus, arousing us both but not frantic enough that either of us felt uncomfortable or pushed too far.  
  
“I...”  
  
“You what?” Dom asked, quietly, breathless.  
  
“I want to...” What did I want? Sex? No, I would never ask Dom for sex. He was going to have to take that step. Our relationship wasn’t about sex. Maybe in another life, under different circumstances, where we meet in a pub, get drunk, snog in the toilets, then I take him home where we fuck all night long and then eventually fall into a relationship with each other. There would’ve been more; we would’ve kissed sooner, had sex more often, never would have had the nervous stage. But it wouldn’t have been the same had we not met under such a harsh happenstance where Dom’s life was dependent on me. We never would’ve had the opportunity with each other to share our greatest fears, to whisper as tears gathered in our eyes when we retold stories of times past that weren’t so great. We never would have had the chance to protect.  
  
Our relationship would never be about sex. Ever. Though God never seemed to be prominent in my life, seeing as I had never gone to church and considered myself a pretty non religious person, I had a feeling that fate had brought us together in an opportunity of protection and comfort that I could only place upon someone - or something - with a higher power. He, or it, whatever it was, made sure that I found Dom, not in a bar, nor a club, nor a park on a sunny day, but in a cold damp alley on a night where the weather gave no forgiveness. It was what made our relationship what it was.  
  
“I just really want you.”  
  
Dom smiled softly at me, those grey eyes so calming. “Then have me,” he whispered, lowering his hands down my chest. I felt his fingers brush against my nipples, down my thin stomach, over my navel, and finally resting on the insides of my hips, the line of no return. I was afraid to breathe, struck still from nerves as Dom toyed with the waistband of my boxers.  
  
“Dom,” I breathed. “Are you sure?”  
  
“Positive.” He held my gaze, brimming with confidence. He wanted to do this, and there was no way in hell I wasn’t about to let him.  
  
My chest heaved in a flutter of excitement and arousal as Dom lifted the elastic band just barely, his fingers gently touching the skin underneath, the soft patch of hair I had there that started from underneath my navel. I closed my eyes, feeling the fabric slide over my skin, and hissed the second I felt my cock hit the cold air. My eyes whipped open as Dom threw my boxers to the foot of the bed. I was completely naked around another man for the first time in my life, and he hadn’t left yet. He was still there, gazing at me, fingers just barely touching the skin stretched over my hip bones.  
  
Suddenly, self-consciousness took over me. I’d never gone this far, showing myself to someone else, and I suddenly wondered just why Dom was still there, touching me, gazing at my body. He was simply admiring me, and I had not a clue why. I was skinny, grossly pale, and as far as I knew, my cock was nothing special.  
  
“Beautiful,” he whispered.  
  
Beautiful. There was that word again. The way it floated from Dom’s tongue, soft yet punctual, grabbing the strings of my heart and pulling.  
  
“You, just...” Dom shook his head, laughing softly to himself. I remained quiet, allowing him to say whatever it was he wanted or needed to say. I shut my eyes, focusing on keeping my breathing steady and even. I felt a hand wrap around my cock, and my hips jerked up slightly.  
  
“Oh my God,” I said under my breath, getting used to the feeling of a hand that was not my own around me. It felt so different, so foreign, but so good. “I don’t know what I’m supposed to be doing,” I admitted shyly.  
  
He smiled, placing a kiss to my quivering stomach. “Relax,” he said against my skin.  
  
I nodded, trying my best to eliminate any tenseness I felt in my body. Dom’s hand slowly began to work its way over my shaft, and before my mind could even start to tell me that two months previous I would’ve shuddered at the thought of allowing myself to enjoy it, pleasure shot through my inexperienced body.  
  
I tried to remain silent, save for a few soft moans. I found myself pulling Dom up, kissing him on the lips as his hand began to stroke a bit faster. I let out some quiet moans into his mouth and he smiled.  
  
“Matt, it’s okay to be vocal. I don’t mind.”  
  
“It’s embarrassing,” I said with a blush.  
  
“No it’s not,” he giggled, kissing me on the nose. I was feeling so pampered by him, like he actually cared about me. It was the first time since before my mum and dad had died that I felt like someone was truly taking care of me, making sure I was happy and safe. “I think it’s really hot, actually,” he whispered.  
  
“Oh,” I breathed as I felt a finger dab into the precome that was slowly beginning to gather at the head of my cock.  
  
“Matt?”  
  
My eyes rolled into the back of my head in pleasure, Dom’s left hand starting to pick up a fastier, steadier pace on my shaft. I slowly began rolling my hips into his hand, never wanting to take my lips from his. I let out a few soft moans every time Dom would shift his hand a bit, giving another part of me the attention it seeked. I never would’ve thought I could be so manipulated by the hand of another person, but there was not a doubt in my mind that Dom could’ve made me do anything as he touched me.  
  
“So perfect,” he whispered into my ear. “My hero, my outrageously gorgeous hero.”  
  
My breaths came out in shudders as Dom squeezed and stroked me, the pleasure that had begun to zip up my spine and make its way all throughout my body unlike any other experience. I wondered how long Dom had been touching me; time seemed to disappear, becoming only a figment, something humans created. It was like the world stopped, and we were the only ones there.  
  
I could hear his breathing, becoming heavy though he wasn’t the one being touched. Our tongues slipped against each other’s as I sensed the familiar feeling of an orgasm nearing, though one had never been brought on in a situation similar to the one I was currently in.  
  
“Matt, come for me,” he said softly, kissing my ear.  
  
I moaned loudly, right on the edge. I rocked my hips into his hand, my body taking over, allowing my brain not to overthink things as I experienced sexual pleasure with another man for the first time in my life.  
  
“Please.”  
  
With a crash of lips and one last stroke from Dom, I teetered over the edge, coming into his hand. I let out silent moans, trying to make noise but never succeeding. I could feel the buzz of orgasm spin up my spinal cord in a spiral of pleasure, depositing itself in all my limbs and the little cracks and crevices of my body. Dom continuously kissed me, long after coaxing everything from my cock until I was completely spent.  
  
My body shuddered as I remained silent, suddenly aware of the sweat that was now running down my face, gathering at my hairline. Dom’s fingers ran through my hair and we continuously kissed, my sensitive cock softening, my heart rate slowing down as I began to process all that had just happened. I let my hand trail over his ribs, his chest, the scar from the night he was attacked. Words were unspoken, because I honestly had nothing I wanted to say to him. I simply wanted to hold him, show him how much he meant to me at that moment rather than tell him.  
  
A kiss to his temple: affection. A kiss to his forehead: protection. A kiss to his cheek: a thank you. A kiss to his lips: love. “Dominic-”  
  
“You’re beautiful,” he told me, cutting off my words. My heart swelled with shock, and I could feel a shy blush begin to color my cheeks. He kissed me on the forehead, and it suddenly became clear to me just how much I loved Dominic Howard. I loved him so much, I wanted nothing more than to tell him that, to give him pleasure and bring him to climax like he had just done for me. I wanted to slowly undress him, worship his skin, make it clear that I loved him as much as my heart would allow, which was boundless and everlasting.  
  
“I love you,” I said quickly under my breath, half hoping he wouldn’t hear me. I squeezed my eyes shut tightly, not wanting to see how he would react. Part of me expected him to leave, to look at me in disgust for getting so attached so quickly, and the other part of me wanted him to smile, to declare his love for me as well. I kept my eyes shut for at least half a minute, and was met with silence, forcing me to open them and see the results for myself. Dom was staring at me, close enough that I could sense his smell, the scent that was purely Dom, yet far enough that I would still have to move forward if I were to kiss him. His grey eyes held me still, and I looked closely, seeing a trail of tears trickle down his cheek.  
  
I moved forward, kissing his lips and tasting the salty pool of tears that had gathered at the corners. He continued to cry until I took a tissue from my bedside table and wiped away some of the tears, kissing him again on the cheek.  
  
“Hey,” I whispered. “It’s okay.”  
  
“I’m sorry, I’ve just ruined the moment,” he said, sniffling. He buried his head against my chest, choking back tears, and I worried that I had moved too fast, scared him away.  
  
“Why are you crying?” I asked him, moving closer to squeeze him tightly.  
  
He shook his head, droplets falling down. “I never thought anyone would ever say that to me.”  
  
“Dominic...” I smiled fondly at him, kissing away the tears. “Sweet, beautiful Dominic.”  
  
“Oh God, fuck, Matt. I love you. This is all so new and I just...”  
  
My heart lept from my chest, and I silenced him with a slow kiss, letting his taste linger on my lips, a taste I now knew I was completely addicted to. I was sitting up then, pressing my thumb against his cheek bone as I embraced the contact our lips made. I was still naked, but feeling much less vulnerable than would be imagined for my first time.  
  
I felt a soft touch to my rib, and looked down to see Dom tracing my tattoo again. He really was infatuated with it.  
  
“Matt?”  
  
I looked at him, my expression soft - encouraging, I hoped.  
  
“You said you were inexperienced, but, was that your first handjob?”  
  
I nodded, feeling like I should’ve been ashamed for admitting it, such an embarrassing thing to have to say at over thirty years old, but strangely enough, I didn’t feel ashamed; I felt like it was just a fact, something about me that Dom needed to know, though it didn’t affect our relationship in any way.  
  
“Am I going to be your first?” he asked softly, wiping away a few stray tears that had wandered down his cheeks and pressing a gentle kiss to my forehead, which I loved.  
  
I nodded again, a small storm of butterflies churning in my stomach at the thought of what his question had meant. He wanted to do it with me. He wanted to be my first, to be forever attached to that title as the one.  
  
We fell back into the sheets and the duvet, and Dom began whispering into my ear. “Matthew Bellamy I love you,” he said. “You saved my life and then you gave me love like I never expected to receive in my life.”  
  
I smiled at him, placing a gentle kiss to his nose, loving the way he could switch between the confident blonde who’d touched my cock so perfectly and given me a body shaking orgasm, and the small innocent blonde I’d held onto in a musky alley in order to save his life. It made me curious, for when we did finally have sex, of how it would happen. It seemed that, although I was the one who had never had sex before, that I would be on top, feeling the insides of Dom pushing against me, connecting in the most beautiful way the human body allowed. Then again, Dom did seem to lose his vulnerability when it came to anything more than soft kisses. I decided we’d tackle that barrier when we got there. For that point in time, I was just happy to have him, to know that he loved me and that I loved him back.  
  
We cuddled and kissed for about ten minutes, wordlessly displaying our affection and newly discovered love for each other, when a doorbell shocked us out of our trance.  
  
“Shit,” I hissed, looking down at my still naked body. Soldier had jumped up from his place on the floor, and it suddenly hit me that my dog had witnessed everything that had just happened. I felt embarrassed, vulnerable, like he understood everything and would tell everyone I knew. I guess that was my hidden anxiety beginning to make its reappearance. I grabbed my boxers from the foot of the bed, pulling them on quickly and grabbing an old tee shirt to throw over my head. “Sarah is here,” I said quickly, kissing Dom once more on the cheek then jogging down the stairs to the foyer, where Soldier now stood, barking at the door. I opened up the door to my smiling niece, overnight pack in hand. I probably appeared disheveled, out of breath from my hurry to dress myself and look somewhat decent.  
  
“Hello,” she said, moving forward as I pulled her in for a hug, waving to Paul who was driving away then shutting the door behind her.  
  
“Hey kiddo, it’s good to see you!”  
  
She took off her shoes and set her bag down, piling them neatly in the corner, giving me a smile as she did so.  
  
“You had anything to eat today yet?” I asked, knowing they must’ve left Teignmouth pretty early to get to London by nine o’clock in the morning.  
  
“Yeah, we stopped along the way.”  
  
“Okay,” I said with a nod. “I haven’t, so I’m going to make something for Dom and myself.”  
  
“Where is he?” she asked.  
  
“Still in bed,” I replied, absolutely sure that Sarah noticed the deep scarlet that colored my cheeks when I thought about what I had been doing with him no less than thirty minutes earlier.  
  
“Oh,” she replied knowingly.  
  
I blushed again and coughed awkwardly into my elbow. “Um, I’m going to go get him. I’ll be right back.”  
  
“Dom,” I whispered once I was back in our room, smiling at the blonde who had fallen asleep again. “Wake up.”  
  
He mumbled some incoherent noise, then his eyes fluttered open. He looked at me, pouting, and I gave him a questioning look.  
  
“Why are you wearing clothes?” he asked, frowning.  
  
I let out a giggle. “Because my sixteen year old niece is downstairs, come on, it’s time for breakfast!”  
  
A few minutes later, as bacon was sizzling on a pan on the stove and the tea kettle was heating up, Dom joined us downstairs wearing an oversized sweater with holes in it and track bottoms. He still looked absolutely gorgeous.  
  
“Hi Sarah,” he said bashfully to my niece who was sitting at the new kitchen table. She waved, they exchanged a few words, and Dom came into the kitchen to help slice some fruit. He placed a soft kiss to my cheek, to which Sarah let out an excited giggle and a clap of her hands, smiling at the both of us.  
  
“I’m just so happy for you two,” she exclaimed.  
  
I grinned at her, then focused my attention back to cooking.  
  
“So what do you want to do while you’re here?” I asked Sarah once Dom and I both had plates of food in front of us and we were all sat at the table.  
  
“I just want to relax,” she told me. “Spend time with you two.”  
  
“That can be arranged,” I said with a smile. I suddenly remembered a text message I’d received from Chris the previous evening, inviting Dom and me to a housewarming party. “Would you like to have dinner with Dom and me tonight at a new friend’s house?”  
  
Dom looked at me questionably. I had forgotten to tell him about Chris earlier.  
  
“There’s a new drum teacher at the studio, and he’s invited us for dinner with his family,” I told him.  
  
They both smiled at me. “That would be brilliant,” said Dom with a smile. “Sounds great!”  
  
Sarah nodded in agreement, and it was settled.  
  
I grinned, and the kitchen fell silent. I was left to admire the silent interactions between the two. Sarah Bellamy and Dominic Howard were possibly my favorite two people in the world, two people whom I had an extremely strong and unique connection with. I watched the way Dom ate a strawberry, while continuously rubbing Soldier between the ears, giving the dog the attention he always seeked. I observed how Sarah had her phone in her hands, smiling as she typed something out. I briefly wondered who she was talking to, if it was a family member, a friend, or maybe someone who was something even more. Three months ago, had Sarah stayed with me, we would’ve discussed musical theory all day, maybe rented a film or watched an entire season of Doctor Who in one night, and that would’ve been it. No discussions about deeper topics, things with meaning.  
  
That wasn’t to say that music wasn’t something without meaning. I often found that my conversations about musical theory and composition with Sarah often led to some new discovery about life, the way things functioned in the world. But now that I had Dom, that Sarah had discovered something new about herself in her stages of maturing and becoming a woman, the limits were seemingly endless. We suddenly had more to relate to with one another, an understanding that could be explained in a single burst of eye contact. She knew that I had finally found someone, and I knew that she finally understood that she had the opportunity to find someone as well.  
  
With Dom in my life, I was so much more than I had been before.


	13. Chapter 13

****  
“Well, this looks familiar,” I said with a chuckle, double checking the address that Chris had written down for me and pulling up to a curb on a very familiar street across from a very familiar house.  
  
“We’re directly across the street from Tom,” Dom giggled.  
  
Indeed, we were. Tom and Arianna’s house was lit up across from Chris’, their station wagon parked neatly in the driveway. What a coincidence, that one of Dom’s old friends lived across the street from one of my new friends. I wondered if they’d met yet. “We’ll have to stop in and say hello at some point this evening,” I suggested.  
  
Dom nodded in agreement, and we got out of the car and walked up to the front door of the Wolstenholme house. Sarah held a chicken casserole in her hands; I’d always felt weird not bringing food to house warming parties, so I’d insisted that my niece help me make the dish whilst Dom took Soldier for his afternoon walk.  
  
“Matt!” Chris exclaimed when he opened up the door to the three of us. “Come on in, we’re glad you could come. Please, let me introduce you to my wife and family!”  
  
We all smiled and walked in. The house was cozy and warm, despite being new to them. There was already a sense of family in it, of laughter and easiness that only came when a house was turned into a home. Pictures hung on the wall, children’s toys cluttered the corners, quilts were thrown over the backs of chairs, and the soft scent of citrus filled the rooms and hallways.  
  
“This is Kelly,” Chris said, bringing a tall and thin brunette into the foyer. He had his arm wrapped protectively around her waist, and a smile of pride on his face. Kelly was absolutely stunning, a woman I could tell was kind, forgiving, and motherly. She smiled at me and I shook her hand, introducing myself.  
  
“I’m Matt, it’s so great to meet you!” I said, unable to stop a huge smile from spreading across my face. “Thank you so much for inviting us here. This is my niece, Sarah -” I put my hand on the small of Dom’s back and pushed him forward a bit. “- and this is my boyfriend, Dominic,” I said nervously. Chris and Kelly’s smiles were unwavering; the only emotions I saw on their face were ones of pure acceptance and love.  
  
“We’re so glad you could come and join us!” exclaimed Kelly, taking the casserole from Sarah’s hands and beginning to move down the hall. “We don’t know too many people from around here yet, but my good friend and her fiance live just across the street, which is how we found this house so quickly. It looks like we’ll be in good company this evening!”  
  
Just as we walked into the family room where a few other people were gathered, I stopped and let out a chuckle at a certain couple sitting on Chris and Kelly’s deep blue sofa.  
  
“Dom! Matt!” called Tom. We all broke out in smiles. “What brought you two here?”  
  
“I work with Matt,” Chris offered, coming up from behind us. “You two know each other?” he asked, seeming just a bit confused at our encounter.  
  
“Dom is my best mate,” Tom said, wrapping his arm around Arianna and sipping a beer. “This is too great!”  
  
Kelly came back from the kitchen then and joined in. “Wow,” she said, giggling. “What a coincidence! Arianna and I met a few years back at a photography convention, we’ve been good friends ever since!” She turned to Dom and smiled at the blonde. “I’m surprised I haven’t met you before, Dom.”  
  
Dom smiled at her good-heartedly and cleared his throat. “I wasn’t around much,” he said softly, quietly. I listened for a break in his voice, that familiar sign that things were getting to him and that he needed a good cry and to be held tightly in my arms, but it never came. I squeezed his hand supportedly, incredibly proud of him.  
  
“I love you,” I whispered softly as I led him to sit down on the sofa with me. Sarah and Kelly had already gravitated toward one another, discussing cooking and girl things like hair dye, which I would never understand.  
  
As we sat next to Tom and Arianna, he let his head fall onto my shoulder while I rubbed his arm. We conversed with the other couple, catching up on things since our last visit with them. We’d yet to do something all together since Dom and I had become “official”, so it was really nice to talk with them. After about twenty minutes, Sarah, Chris, Kelly, and two small blonde haired children joined us, and the room took on a much more energetic environment. The little girl, who looked to be about Corrine’s age, maybe a bit older, immediately climbed up into Sarah’s lap, and the sixteen year old giggled.  
  
“Ava Jo, don’t disrupt our guests!” Kelly scolded, though a smile showed through on her face.  
  
Sarah giggled and hugged the small girl. “It’s okay, I love spending time with kids,” she said, laughing and tossing her head back and forth like the little girl was, her short, choppy black hair flipping wildly. Little Ava Jo whispered something in Sarah’s ear, and the two girls giggled together.  
  
The little boy seemed less outgoing. He sat on Chris’ lap, studying everyone around him. “Alfie, why don’t you and your sister go play with that new train set while we finish up dinner, yeah?” The boy smiled shyly and left without a word, pulling his older sister along with him. Chris’ eyes followed his son fondly as he left the room. “He’s got Asperger Syndrome,” he explained. “A little bit different from other kids, but boy is he intelligent.”  
  
“He’s absolutely adorable,” Sarah said with a smile. “He seems like he’s really something.”  
  
Kelly nodded. “He is. He’s so smart, and the children at his new school are so accepting of him, it’s wonderful. We couldn’t be more proud of him,” she said, squeezing her husband’s hand.  
  
As I watched the couples around us, Chris and Kelly, as well as Tom and Arianna, I realized just how blessed I really was. It was the feeling of that room, that everyone in that room loved someone else, whether it was romantically or something else. Sarah and I loved our family, Chris and Kelly loved their kids and each other, Tom and Arianna loved each other, as well as the family they were already beginning to talk about starting, and then there was Dom.  
  
Dom loved me, and as I watched him converse with his best mate, talking easily, drinking a beer, laughing, smiling that great smile of his, I was so proud of myself, to say that I was loved by such an exquisite and beautiful person.  
  
When Arianna and Sarah stood up to help Kelly with the food, and Chris and Tom struck up their own conversation, I squeezed Dom’s hand and placed a quick kiss to his temple. We smiled at each other, seeking affection in the simplest manner. His head fell to rest on my shoulder, and I put my arm around him. Such a domestic move, really, something that would be done on a typical first date in a cinema. We spoke no words, instead letting our body motions vocalize what we wanted to tell one another. I stroked the back of his neck, where hair met skin, and he rubbed my thigh. It wasn’t suggestive, not with how many people were around us, but it was definitely something. Something he never would have done three months before.  
  
When Tom and Arianna stole Dom for a few minutes after dinner to show him some of their new cameras from across the street, I was left with some alone time with Sarah.  
  
“I know I’m only sixteen,” she started. “But you two might be the most perfect couple I have ever seen.”  
  
I attempted to hide the dorky smile that immediately took over my face. I hadn’t been part of a relationship since uni, and none of them had been like my relationship with Dominic. To be open with it, and for it to be accepted and be seen as a word so straightforward as “perfect” by someone I truly cared about, was enlightening. It was refreshing. Not that my relationships had been bad before, per se, but they hadn’t necessarily been good either. They were nothing to talk or gloat about; there was never that connection, and I certainly had never taken one of my boyfriends to meet my family, the people I cared about more than anything else in the world. Dom was, in short, my first serious relationship. Though we hadn’t breached that final boundary, the boundary of being connected physically in a way which was indescribable to a man who didn’t understand that kind of love, emotionally and mentally Dominic and I had moved past all stages of hiding those things. For Sarah to see and recognize that did unthinkable things to my heart.  
  
~  
  
“Your lips, mmm, taste like mint.”  
  
“Do they?” I asked, placing a quick kiss on Dom’s lips again for good measure.  
  
“Mhm, delicious,” he whispered with a cheeky smile. I had my arms wrapped around his entire body beneath the duvet, feeling his smooth, practically hairless skin on his back. He continued to kiss my lips, letting his tongue linger inside my mouth for a prolonged period of time. I would have to remember to drink mojitos more often, seeing as he apparently quite enjoyed the taste of them on my lips. I sent a silent thanks out to Tom, who had previously been a bartender and was quite skilled at making the minty alcoholic drink. “Just makes every part of your mouth that much more amazing,” he said slyly, blinking at me.  
  
“You are quite the flatterer,” I chuckled, snagging his bottom lip quickly yet gently between my teeth and tugging slightly.  
  
“You’re a man who deserves to be flattered.” I broke away from his mouth and smiled at him, probably blushing as well. I felt a hand go behind my head as he tipped his mouth down to kiss me again. We sucked each other’s lips for a few quiet minutes, the sounds of skin and sheets filling the room. I shifted us so that we were laying next to one another and facing, our hands never leaving the other’s body. I felt the rise of his body beneath my hand, his breathing, his beating heart. Basic bodily characteristics, like the thin sheen of sweat on his back that had gathered from close contact and the way his slightly tanned skin looked beneath my pale skin, became beautiful in an unexplainable way.  
  
“I love you,” we both whispered simultaneously. I wasn’t sure who spoke the words first; our voices seemed to mingle on top of one another.  
  
Dom giggled, then leaned back and unwrapped his limbs from around my body, stretching out. I heard the pop of his knees and then back, and raised my own arms up for a stretch as well. I smiled in content. The night was still relatively early, no later than ten, but after a long night of enjoying new friends and exciting conversations, we all felt the need to go to bed early. For Sarah, that meant snuggling on the sofa with Soldier and a pile of blankets, watching “Pirates of the Caribbean”, and for Dom and me, that meant some much needed alone time with each other, this time without an interruption.  
  
“I’m sorry we couldn’t spend more time with each other this morning,” I said softly, scratching mindlessly at a spot on my stomach. His eyes watched my every move, every up and down motion of my fingers against my skin.  
  
“Did you enjoy it?” he asked shyly.  
  
“Very much so,” I said, my voice a bit gruff from the thought of what he’d done to me, of all the great pleasure and tingling in my limbs that it had brought.  
  
“Would you let me do it again?” he asked carefully.  
  
“I’d be happy to.”  
  
He kissed me again, and we found ourselves lost in each other’s lips again for a few minutes.  
  
“You know,” he finally said after a few minutes. “I’m not used to doing it like that.”  
  
“What do you mean?” I placed a quick kiss to his forehead, loving the softness of his skin there against my lips.  
  
“With someone I love.”  
  
I blushed.  
  
“I’ve never loved someone before. It was so different, and I loved it. I found myself doing it because I wanted to do it, not because I was being forced to do it. There was, like...” He rubbed his hands over his face for a few seconds, looking thoughtful as he tried to conjure up the words to explain how he felt. “It was like there was a need I felt, in the pit of my stomach, to just make you feel good. It was insistent and pulling, always there, and I just had to get rid of it, to pleasure you because I love you and I want to make you feel good. Does that even make sense or am I being completely bonkers?”  
  
“I understand, I think that that makes complete sense,” I said softly. “I feel the same way about you, actually.”  
  
“Really?” His whole face seemed to light up a bit and I nodded.  
  
“Maybe not sexually, not yet at least - I’m too inexperienced right now, I think - but in a sort of protective manner. Like when you feel a bit down after your sessions with the therapist, even if you don’t come right off as sad, it’s like my body can sense it, that you’re upset and you need someone, and all of a sudden, all I want to do is hold you and tell you how incredible and strong you are. My body seems to just know.”  
  
He smiled lightly at me, lifting his finger to trace my cheekbone. “You make me feel incredible,” he whispered.  
  
I chuckled. “You have quite the same effect on me,” I argued, smiling and squeezing his hand underneath the warm and cozy duvet. His eyelashes fluttered as he smiled back and wrapped our legs together again. I felt the palm of his foot rub up my calf, and the sensations it brought were nothing short of absolutely pleasant.  
  
A buzz from my bedside table interrupted our peaceful interaction with each other, and I frowned, being forced to let go of his hand and reach over to grab my mobile. There was just one text from Sarah.  
  
“Look outside.”  
  
I was puzzled, but wrapped myself out of Dom’s hold and padded over to the window to have a look anyway. I drew back the curtains a bit, peering out into the dark night sky. A smile immediately spread across my face, and I called Dom over, wrapping my arm around his still warm body as he looked out the window and smiled at the soft flakes of snow drifting through the January sky.  
  
“Wow,” he whispered. “I thought it’d never come.”  
  
“Me too,” I said, nuzzling his ear. The winter had been mild so far; the few cold spells we’d had brought absolutely no moisture, resulting in dry skin and burning lips. The soft white snowflakes falling down and sticking to the streets outside brought a warm smile to my face, reminding me of being a kid, watching the snow like a hawk and squealing in delight when I found out that school would be cancelled and that Paul would be able to take me to the hill just outside of town in Teignmouth to go sledging. Snow always cheered me up, and I couldn’t wait to experience it for the first time ever with Dominic.  
  
“We should go on a long walk tomorrow,” he suggested. I nodded, the idea sounding wonderful to me.  
  
“We can bundle up and bring hot cocoa, if you’d like. We’ll act like proper wimps.”  
  
“Yes,” he giggled. “That sounds perfect.”  
  
I kissed him on the cheek and we watched the snow for an unmeasurable amount of time. By the time we moved back across the bedroom and under the duvet, rewarming the sheets with our bodies close together, a few inches of snow had accumulated on the streets outside.  
  
I placed my hand over Dom’s chest. He was laid out on his back, eyes closed and head placed back on the pillow. I felt his heart beating consistently against my palm, the thump thump bringing me joy in such a strange way, just to know that he was real, a living, breathing human, who loved me in ways no other had before him. His heart beat, the beat that kept him alive, made the butterflies in my stomach flutter. I felt privileged to feel such a personal thing as a beating heart. It was the heart that was purely Dom and no one else’s, yet he allowed that heart to love me as well.  
  
Suddenly I was reminded of something I had to do. Being careful not to disturb Dom - he was already deep in his sleep - I reached over to grab my mobile again, unlocking it and opening up the text that Sarah had sent to me about the snow. I typed out two simple words, then sent the message, where it would arrive seconds later at another mobile phone sitting on another table just downstairs in my house.  
  
“Thank you.”  
  
“It’s not a problem Uncle Matt. I love you.”  
  
“I love you too, kiddo.”  
  
With a smile, I locked my phone and placed it back on the table, turning my attention back to the blonde. Carefully, I moved back down into the sheets, and placed my hand on his chest again, feeling the steady rise of his breaths. Thump thump. I let Dom’s beating heart lure me to a deep, peaceful sleep.


	14. Chapter 14

****  
The rest of the weekend sped by in a blur. Corrine’s birthday dinner went off without a hitch, full of great food, family, and laughter. Sunday afternoon Dom and I found ourselves saying goodbye to my family as they picked up Sarah, ready for the drive back to Devon, with promises from us to visit Teignmouth in mid March for Sarah’s piano recital. A few hours later, after we perfected and enjoyed a fettuccine recipe, had a few glasses of wine, and made out on the sofa for a few minutes, I found myself melting against the heat of Dom’s body beneath the duvet in our bed, my ears enjoying every single dirty thing he whispered to me.  
  
“What do you want, Matt?” he whispered, kissing beneath my cheekbone. His hand slid between us to touch my left nipple, and a million and one sensations exploded through my body in a flurry of pleasure. “Do you want me to touch you again?”  
  
“Oh God, yes,” I moaned, squirming beneath his hand as he touched me through my thin boxers. “Dominic...” I felt his fingers roaming beneath the elastic band of my boxers, lightly touching the dark patch of hair there. His hand went further and further down, barely brushing against the tip of my cock before retracting back. I hissed, seeking his physical touch, and I let out a moan when I finally felt him wrap his hand around my shaft.  
  
“Love touching you. Love watching you squirm. Love you.” Every one of Dom’s sentences was punctuated by a kiss to my lips, and I never wanted his mouth to leave mine.  
  
His hand left my painfully hard cock for a moment, his fingers twisting in my hair before he let go again and moved down my body. He pushed the duvet down so that it pooled around his waist, leaving my entire nude body from the knees up exposed to the warm, sex-filled air that the room held. I shuddered, my breaths shaky as he kissed the inside of my thigh. I never would’ve thought to be so sensitive there, but Dom proved me wrong. His lips quivered before me, and he took a deep breath in.  
  
“Matthew, can I suck you?”  
  
Yes Dominic, oh yes you can, I thought. Unfortunately, my body was too turned on to form the words, so I simply nodded instead, letting out a small whine of need.  
  
Of all intimate activities one could share with a partner, oral sex had always intrigued me, though I had no previous experience with it before. I never found it gross, only the very opposite. I loved the idea of both giving and receiving a blowjob, and to do it with someone you trusted with your life - I was very certain that I would take a bullet for Dom, and that he’d do the same for me - was very beautiful.  
  
The first time Dom’s lips brushed against my cockhead, pleasure ripped through my body. “Oh,” I moaned, my hips bucking up wildly. Dom placed his hand on my hip, rubbing a small circle on my skin. I watched with lust filled eyes as my cock disappeared into his mouth, the sight of it making my vision go blurry and my senses go haywire.  
  
The slow sucks he gave to my cock were unlike anything he’d done with his hands before, and as he completely took me in, humming around my cock as he moved his mouth around it, I found myself on edge within minutes. I shouldn’t have been so surprised by that; it was Dom. Dom was able to do things to me, make me experience things, that no one had ever done so before.  
  
“Oh fuck, Dom,” I groaned, arching my back and bucking my hips up, fucking his mouth. “I love you,” I breathed, feeling my chest rise heavily and the air from my lungs rush out in sharp bursts.  
  
Dom hummed, the vibrations shooting pleasure up my spine, and I felt closer and closer to release.  
  
“Dom I- Oh shit Dom, I’m g-gonna come.”  
  
The blonde kept sucking and my hips kept moving into his mouth. I screamed and threw my head back, shooting hard into the back of Dom’s throat. My heart raced; sensations were tingling my whole body in a way I had never felt before. Everything was electric, and I watched with sharp eyes as Dom removed his mouth from my softening cock, and swallowed.  
  
“Oh my God.”  
  
My chest heaved. Sweat had gathered on my stomach and was at my hairline, dripping slowly down my face. I felt limp, like Dom had taken everything from me whilst simultaneously giving me everything.  
  
Dom was silent. He’d pulled my boxers back up around me and moved back up the bed, pulling the duvet over both of us. I was still too out of breath to say anything coherent, so I allowed him to just stroke my back. I shivered, still sensitive after my orgasm.  
  
“Matt?” he asked softly, kissing between my shoulder blades. I flipped, looking at him with heavy lidded eyes, and he smiled. “I want you to know that you taste incredible.”  
  
“Oh Jesus Christ,” I breathed, staring at him wide eyed.  
  
“Mmm, the best I’ve ever tasted.”  
  
I shut my eyes, replaying the image of Dom swallowing just after I came, how absolutely dirty I felt by it on one level, but also enthralled by it. It sent a surge of pride and excitement surging through my veins, to know that Dom was the first one to ever taste me like that.  
  
“I love you,” I finally whispered, reaching out to brush some of his blonde fringe from out of his eyes.  
  
“Love you too.”  
  
I brought his body into mine, and once again our roles were reversed. Dom and I seemed to dance around the idea of dominant versus submissive, where Dom was dominant in the bedroom but submissive everywhere else. I felt flutters in my stomach, telling me these ‘roles’ weren’t permanent, that possibly I could set the pace in the bedroom, I could be the one to go down on Dom, suck him dry until he screamed my name for the whole neighborhood to hear.  
  
I held him, my body still slick with sweat, but my breathing finally returning to a normal, healthy pace. I kissed him all over his face, his forehead, cheek, nose, mouth. I tasted a hint of something that was not Dom on his lips, and upon realization, I smiled slightly, feeling filthy for tasting myself.  
  
After the intense heat of what we’d done earlier, our kisses never made it past lips. We smiled, talked for a little bit, simply enjoying the other’s company and the lazy kisses, until exhaustion eventually brought us to sleep in each other’s arms.  
  
~  
  
“Do you think you’re ready to try your left and right hand together?”  
  
Charlotte looked at the Mozart piece in front of her one more time, then gave me an enthusiastic nod, and I smiled.  
  
“You can take it as slowly as you want, just get used to the coordination of your two hands together, okay?”  
  
“Okay!” she said.  
  
She placed her hands on the piano, already developing a natural feel for the instrument even though she’d only been playing for a couple of months. She started the piece, slowly of course, and paused every time the music required a note on the left hand to be played at the same time as a note on the right hand. Despite the pauses, she didn’t miss a single note, coordinating everything perfectly. I tried to remember when I had learned the piece, no earlier than 23 years before. I certainly had not been able to play it with the precision she did the first time.  
  
The rest of the lesson was spent going over the trickier parts of the piece, breaking them apart, analyzing the music. By the end of the hour, I was positive she’d have the piece done in two lessons, if not sooner.  
  
Between lessons, I chatted with Gloria up at the front desk. It was Wednesday, Chris’ day off, which was a shame really. I had looked forward to talking to him and thanking him once again for inviting us all to his house for dinner and to meet his wonderful family.  
  
“I’m thinking about taking Dom out for dinner this week,” I told her.  
  
“Really?” she asked. I nodded and she gave me a huge smile. “I’m sure he’d love that, Matt.”  
  
“Yeah, we haven’t been on a proper date yet.” I laughed, the thought seeming almost silly to me. “I want to take him out and show him off, you know?”  
  
Gloria laughed and nodded understandingly. “I’m sure you two will have a magnificent time.”  
  
I smiled, stretching back in my chair with a yawn. I only had one lesson left, and it would only be a half hour, then I could go home and relax. I had images running through my mind of a simple dinner, maybe a salad, then a hot shower, comfortable clothes, and the chance to cuddle Dom to my heart’s content.  
  
My mobile ringing interrupted my daydream, and I quickly picked it up.  
  
“Hello?” I answered.  
  
“Is this Matthew Bellamy?” The voice was stern and unfamiliar. I quickly moved my mobile from my ear, checking the caller I.D. I didn’t recognize the number, but held the phone back up to my ear anyway.  
  
“Yes this is him,” I responded, curious as to who the mysterious caller was.  
  
“We need you to come to the police station right away.”  
  
“What?!” I asked, startled.  
  
“It’s about Dominic Howard, you’re living with him currently, correct?”  
  
Fear rushed through my veins and I suddenly felt weak, like I could be sick any second. “Did something happen to him?” I asked, my voice barely ghosting above a whisper.  
  
“Not at all,” said the voice over the line. It was softer now, less stern. “I’m sorry if I worried you, but you two need to come here right away. We’ve made a break in his rape case.”  
  
~  
  
“It’s going to be okay, Dom,” I said reassuringly, holding his trembling hand in mine while driving with the other. I’d left the music studio in a rush, leaving Gloria to reschedule my final lesson of the day.  
  
“I think I’m going to be sick,” he whispered.  
  
“I won’t let anything bad happen to you,” I replied, giving his hand a squeeze. “I’ve got you, baby, I’ll be right here.”  
  
“What if they found him? What if I have to face him in court?” The car was stopped at an intersection and he looked at me with wide eyes, fear filling them in the form of tears. “Matt, I can’t tell my story again. Not in public. It hurts too much.”  
  
I sighed, rubbing his back as I pulled up to the police station. The weeks during Dom’s recovery had been Hell for him: countless news reporters showing up out of the blue and asking him personal questions, retelling the story of his rape to police officer after police officer, and interviews that almost always ended in breakdowns left for me to fix once they were over. The therapist helped of course, but time was the best for his recovery. Of course, that was all at risk now that he would possibly have to recount the story yet again.  
  
When we walked into the police station, Dom’s already tense body tightened up even more, and I held him close to me, protecting him.  
  
“Hello Mr. Howard and Mr. Bellamy,” came a voice from behind a desk, and I immediately recognized the officer as the main investigator in Dom’s case.  
  
“Hi Officer Nicholls,” Dom said softly, smiling at the man. He was very kind, at least from what I knew from my few interactions with him, and he seemed to really care about Dom, shown by the support he gave him during the first parts of the investigation.  
  
“Please, sit down.” He gestured to the two seats sitting before his desk, and Dom and I sat down. I instinctively grabbed his hand, squeezing his fingers and whispering a quiet “I love you” as Officer Nicholls reorganized a pile of stacked papers on his desk.  
  
“We reanalyzed some of the evidence from the crime scene,” he started. “And it turns out we came across something we missed the first time.”  
  
“DNA?” I asked, hopeful that they would catch the guy and that the entire ordeal would be over with soon.  
  
“Unfortunately, no,” Officer Nicholls said, giving us a sympathetic smile. “But, we did find something that narrows down the suspect pool. We matched a piece of fabric at the scene to one associated with a certain crime group.”  
  
“A gang?” Dom asked.  
  
“Sort of. They’re based here in London, but have committed crimes all across England, and some in Wales and Scotland as well. They’re most well-known for randomized rape, like you, and armed robberies of small businesses and homes, also randomized. They have no pattern or motive, they simply attack when they feel it’s right.”  
  
I felt sick. How could someone be so disgusting, and even worse, a whole group of people? Crimes had always affected me immensely, with the combination of my mum and dad as well as Dominic. My mind began to race, replaying that horrible day over half my life ago, when my roots were taken away from me right in front of my own eyes. They’d never found him, and the 16 year old investigation was officially a cold case, pushed to the back of the shelves of Teignmouth’s police station.  
  
“Do you think you’ll find him soon?” Dom’s voice was small and frightened, and I pulled him into me, holding him tightly.  
  
“I’m not sure, Dom,” said Officer NIcholls. “We’re trying our hardest. This was a huge step, so we’re definitely closer. We’ll give you a call if anything big happens, our detectives are working their arses off trying to find members of the group.”  
  
“We really appreciate it,” I told him, and Dom nodded, agreeing with me. We said goodbye to Officer Nicholls and began driving back home. I held Dom’s hand the entire time.  
  
“I just want this to be over,” he groaned, collapsing on the sofa when we returned home. “I want it behind me.”  
  
“I know, love,” I said softly, preparing lettuce and grilled chicken for a salad. “I want it to be over with too.” I dried my hands on a towel and began tossing all the ingredients into a big salad bowl. Dom moved into the kitchen and gathered olive oil, balsamic vinegar, and pepper to start making the salad dressing.  
  
By the time we sat down at the kitchen table with our salads, the trip to the police station was not quite so fresh in our minds, and we both had calmed down a bit, our minds clear and focused again.  
  
We talked about making some changes to the current decorations in the house, perhaps to something a bit more us rather than just me.  
  
“I’ve always loved the idea of a timeline of pictures,” Dom said thoughtfully. “Starting with ones before we grew really close, maybe the ones Elena took at Christmas, and progressing to more current ones.”  
  
“I love that idea,” I told him, smiling. “That would be perfect for us.”  
  
“We need to start taking more pictures of us,” he laughed.  
  
I chuckled and pushed my empty salad bowl aside, grabbing his hand. “Well, we have Tom and Arianna’s wedding this summer, and Teignmouth in March. It will be warmer then, perhaps we can take some by the ocean,” I suggested. Dom nodded. “And we’ll have to meet up with Chris and Kelly sometime. I think Tom took a few last week.”  
  
“And we could always take some ourselves,” Dom added.  
  
“Yes we could.”  
  
“Although those might not be something we want on our walls,” he said simply.  
  
My jaw dropped and I stared at him as he took a bite of salad, smiling at me. I had not realized the sexual innuendo behind his sentence until he added that last bit, and I was suddenly so turned on that I had to stop and think for a few seconds to try and control my body. Besides, Dom was still eating. He couldn’t possibly want to do anything now. Not while he still had about a third of his dinner to finish off.  
  
“You’re beautiful when you look at me like that.” I felt my face heat up and my cock begin to harden at his words. “Your eyes are so blue,” he whispered, pushing his salad away, indicating that he was done. “Blue, lust filled. It's like I'm wanted for once in my life, and I love that feeling."  
  
Dom had taken up the dominant role once again, and as I felt my body begin to heat with the now familiar feeling of want and desire, I was not scared of him. His grey eyes, dripping with control and need, also had another side, a side of love that was always there. I was pinned under his gaze, his gaze that made my heart do flips and spins without my permission.  
  
"I want to pleasure you for hours on end," he whispered, his voice softer and smoother but no less dominant than it was before. "I want to worship your body and tell you how beautiful you look when you come and whisper 'I love you' over and over again in your ear."  
  
I was definitely hard now, Dom's words entering one ear, stirring up my hormones and making me squirm, then leaving the other ear, only to be repeated again.  
  
He leaned forward over the kitchen table, placing his nose just below my ear. I shivered, feeling him breathe in deep. When he spoke again, it was barely audible, no more than a ghostly whisper. "I'll tell you how good you feel."  
  
I nearly exploded in my seat. My breath hitched as Dom lightly touched my erection, straining against the fabric of my trousers. His hand kept moving, and eventually held mine, which was sitting on my thigh, trembling. He picked it up, holding it closer and closer to his body, to the place where legs met hips. "And then, you'll tell me how good I feel." I whined, knowing exactly where this was going, the wall I was about to crash through with absolutely no regrets. "I love you," he whispered once again, flattening my hand against his hard cock.  
  
Colors exploded as I felt him softly, stroking the outline of his erection against his trousers.  
  
His tongue flicked out to my ear. "Touch me, Matt."  
  
"Oh God, Dominic," I moaned, finally allowing myself to face him completely, thrusting my tongue into his mouth as I began to stroke him through his trousers. He whined, moving from his seat to be closer to me, hitching his thighs up so that he was on my lap, my hand between us. His hands were in my hair, pulling, my cock untouched. He moaned as I felt him, his hardness clothed, but still beautiful beneath my hand and fingers. His hips bucked, and I pulled away, panting. "Bedroom. Now."


	15. Chapter 15

****  
The piano teacher that I replaced at the music studio when I first started was a peculiar man: short, stumpy, balding, not the most attractive bloke in the world. That wasn’t the odd thing though, it was the fact that he was a germophobe yet taught piano - a very interactive instrument that involves a lot of physical contact - to small children.  
  
He had been a very strange person, and I had almost all but forgotten him until that moment, when I remembered something he’d told me. It was his last day at the studio, my first, and I’d watched him cleaning out all his things, taking a break every five minutes to leave and wash his hands. I’d asked him why he taught piano to small children if he was so frightened of germs, and he began talking about how much he loved watching small children learn, their need for being educated about now things, and then he asked me this: “Why should I let my fears control something I’m so passionate about?”  
  
I’d never thought too much about it, but as I stumbled up the stairs, lip locked with Dom and moaning like a horny teenager, I finally understood. There was a small tick in the back of my head, the tiniest of all voices telling me to slow down and take my time. It told me that we were taking things way too quickly and that Dom was still fragile. That was my fear, constantly pricking me in the back of my mind, that one day I would push it too far and lose Dom, who was without a doubt the best thing to ever happen to me. That was when the previous piano teacher’s words really stuck out in my head  
  
I was so passionate about Dom. I wanted to do everything and anything with him, and to do that, I had to let him. I couldn’t let my fear of losing him take over my passion to be with him. As we approached the bedroom door, and I pushed it open with my hip, still kissing Dom, I finally made the decision that from that moment on, if I wanted to do something with him, as long as he was comfortable with it, I wouldn’t let second thoughts plague my head and bring me down.  
  
“Matt, oh,” Dom moaned as I gently sucked on his neck, just below his jaw. I moved us closer and closer to the bed, and we toppled down on top of the duvet, hands roaming each other’s bodies. Our shirts were both long gone, tossed carelessly to the ground somewhere on our path to the bedroom. My hands moved down Dom’s body, and just before unbuckling his belt, I paused.  
  
“Is this okay?” I asked, letting my fear take control just for a brief moment.  
  
“Yes, oh God, yes,” he replied. I smiled to myself, and let my hands do the work of undoing Dom’s belt and removing his trousers and throwing them to the end of the bed so that he wore only boxers. I moved back up his body, placing kisses to his bare chest, rubbing small circles on his hip bone. I was fascinated with his smooth skin there. Even though I wasn’t that much older than him, less than ten years, his skin was baby soft, so gentle to the touch that I wanted to worship that skin.  
  
Dom’s fingers twisted in my hair, and he groaned as I touched him through his boxers. I was itching for more, and allowed my hand to sneak under the elastic band to touch his bare hip bone, inching further and further down. My heart jolted as I finally gave in, pushing his boxers down to his knees.  
  
I held myself back for a second; I had to. It was my first time seeing Dom’s body completely naked, there for me and only me. My eyes lingered on the steady rise and fall of his chest as he took in breaths, the fading scar on his ribs from the attack we both tried to put behind us, his flat stomach, the little extra bits he had on his hips, his skinny yet toned legs, and finally, his hard cock, standing tall and begging for release.  
  
“You’re fucking gorgeous,” I finally whispered, breaking the heavy silence. I closed my eyes then reopened them, making sure this wasn’t all a dream.  
  
“Please touch me,” he barely said, the words on the end of a moan as I leaned forward to kiss his nipple, my hand traveling down to finally grasp his cock.  
  
I wasn’t quite sure what to do; the options were limitless. Here, for the first time, I had the opportunity to pleasure the man I loved, to bring him to the edge. I stroked him for a few minutes, much like I would do to myself, all the while kissing him on his perfect lips.  
  
“Matt you, oh, you don’t have to hold back,” Dom said with a groan, arching his back as I let my hand speed up just a bit. I kissed his jaw and back down his chest before removing my hand, staring at him as he begged for me to touch him again. I lightly stroked his stomach, letting my hand trail further down, but not touching his cock again. He continued moaning, his teeth attached to my neck and sucking to the point of pleasurable pain.  
  
“What do you want me to do?” I asked softly, touching the light patch of hair beneath his navel. His eyes were shut tight and his breaths were labored, but in a good way, unlike the night I’d found him in the alley. “Just tell me what to do and I’ll do it,” I told him. I touched his cock again, wrapping my hand around its shaft, and he threw back his head again, letting his hips buck and a moan escape his throat.  
  
“Oh Matt,” he whined.  
  
“Do you trust me?” He nodded, and I took a deep breath, moving my head down a bit further. I looked up at him, his grey eyes lust filled and heavy with want. “Would you like this?” He nodded a second time and I leaned forward again as I held his cock at the base and gave a quick swipe with my tongue.  
  
“Fuck. More.”  
  
I’d never given a blowjob before, and in my few previous relationships, I’d always imagined the first one would be awkward. WIth Dom though, it was like my body just took over. His fingers in my hair spurred me on, and I placed my mouth over Dom’s cock, letting him fill my mouth. I paused, getting used to the feeling of him. I didn’t gag, to my relief. It was a fear of mine, to be honest, to be terrible at it the first time. After Dom took me in his mouth so expertly, I could only wish to give half of what he gave me.  
  
Apparently, I was okay at it. Dom writhed on the bed sheets, and I made my head bob up and down, letting him slip in and out of my mouth.  
  
Every few minutes, I’d take my mouth off of him completely, staring down at his slick cock head then back up at his beautiful eyes. I’d trace a spot on his skin for a few moments, then he’d be moaning again and asking for my mouth.  
  
As I sucked him faster and he clenched his fingers in my hair tighter and moaned my name louder, I wondered if he was nearing release. Some words were still coherent, but most of the noises coming from Dom were a mix of groans and whimpers.  
  
“Matt, I- God yes!” he said, throwing his head back and bucking his hips upward. I felt his cock hit the back of my throat, and I concentrated on breathing through my nose. I hummed around him, lightly touching his thighs and squeezing the skin there. I licked away the precome that was gathering at Dom’s cockhead, not focusing on the taste but rather on giving him the pleasure he deserved.  
  
“Shit, Matt, I’m g-g-gonna come!” I half registered Dom’s hips thrusting up one more time, then he came. I didn’t take my mouth off of him, determined that if he was mine and I was his, I’d prove it the very first time and all the times to come. The taste was unlike how I’d imagined it; it wasn’t unpleasant, just different, a taste that I could only define as Dom, my other half, my lover.  
  
When he was completely spent and I had swallowed (a little strange, but as I mentioned before, not unpleasant), I let his softening cock slip from my mouth, and I sat back on the bed, staring at him in amazement. His chest rose and fell, his skin shining with sweat. His eyes closed and he fell back onto the pillow. I smiled, wordlessly getting up to brush my teeth and quickly attend my painfully hard erection.  
  
When I returned to the bedroom, Dom’s eyes were open again and he was staring at me, smiling and relaxed. He’d pulled his boxers back on, but was just as gorgeous as ever. “I love you,” he said softly. I moved onto the bed, seeking his warmth in the now drafty room, since the heat of sex had disappeared, and wrapped my arms around his body.  
  
I was completely exhausted, and almost fell asleep before remembering there was something I had to tell him. “I love you too,” I whispered, burrowing down on top of the duvet, too lazy to get up to go under the heavier blankets. I threw my arm around Dom, pulling him into me so that his head nestled into the crook of my neck, and prepared to sleep.  
  
“It was so hot when you swallowed,” he mumbled, just barely audible. I was suddenly wide awake, my heart thumping against my chest.  
  
“Dom?” I poked him in the shoulder, not realizing it was possible to get hard again by a few words just after wanking off. Soft snores emitted from the blonde. “Oh my God,” I said aloud, neglecting my half hard cock and letting my head fall to the pillow beside him, sleep finding me within minutes.  
  
~  
  
When I walked into the studio the next morning, smile shining proudly on my face and a coffee in hand, Chris and Gloria both seemed surprised.  
  
“I take it the trip to the police station went well?” Chris asked.  
  
I chuckled and nodded. “It was a bit stressful for Dom, but they didn’t have any bad news.”  
  
“That’s good,” Gloria said, leaning back in her office chair and scrolling through a schedule on the computer. “And the rest of your evening?”  
  
I blushed, glancing down at my shoes, and she gave me a knowing smirk. “It was nice,” I said quickly.  
  
“Never would’ve known by your neck,” Chris said, laughing and giving me a wink. My jaw dropped in horror, and I immediately moved through the corridor, dropping my bag off in my room and rushing to the toilet. I flipped on the light and stared at my reflection in the mirror: small marks that had only been a light shade of pink the previous night before bed were now dark red splotches, unmistakable in nature.  
  
I gasped, touching one of the lovebites. “Well shit Dom,” I said to myself, laughing. The spots were tender, and as much as I loved seeing his marks on me, I knew they weren’t very appropriate in this work environment. I frowned, turning the collar up on my coat to see if it would hide them. It didn’t, and I was suddenly very worried. I had fifteen minutes until my first student, and it would be highly unprofessional of me to turn up with a neck covered in hickeys. The blue striped jumper I was wearing would also be completely useless in hiding them. I moved back out to the front where Chris and Gloria smiled up at me, fake innocence on both their faces.  
  
“Do either of you have a scarf I could borrow?” I asked sheepishly.  
  
Gloria giggled, already standing up. “I might have something, come on.”  
  
A few minutes later I was situated in my little room, a black and white checkered scarf wrapped fashionably around my neck. I scribbled down a few notes on the whiteboard then went out to the waiting area to see my first student.  
  
“Hey Charles, come on back,” I said to the small boy, and for the next eight hours, I focused only on teaching.  
  
~  
  
“I like your scarf,” Dom said when I walked into the living room later that evening.  
  
I blushed. “Gloria gave it to me, to cover up... Um...”  
  
Dom jumped up and smiled. “You’re kidding, right?”  
  
I shook my head, blushing again. He walked over to me, and gently pulled at the ends of the scarf, unwrapping it from around my neck. He looked at my skin, and placed a kiss to my cheekbone.  
  
“That’s really fucking hot,” he whispered.  
  
“They’re yours,” I replied back, looking into his grey eyes.  
  
“I couldn’t be any more flattered,” he said, kissing my lips once more. I wrapped my arms around him, squeezing him gently, until a wet nose came between our bodies.  
  
I giggled and knelt down to pat Soldier on the head. “Hey buddy!” Soldier licked my hand, wagging his tail, and Dom and I both sat down, giving the German shepherd some attention. “How about a walk?” I asked the both of them, and with a nod from Dom and a bark from Soldier, it was confirmed.  
  
We both pulled on gloves and hats, the weather had remained cold the whole week; the snow had not yet melted. As we walked hand in hand through the streets, Soldier trotting along beside us, people stared. I suddenly realized that this was our first real outing, our first public display of affection through the London neighborhood. People we passed smiled, said “Good evening” to us, and occasionally complimented us on how nice of a couple we made. I didn’t know any of them, nor did Dom. I was so happy, and took every opportunity I had to wrap my arm around his waist, kiss him on the cheek, let everyone know that he was mine.  
  
We walked for an undeterminable amount of time, dropping Soldier off at the house then making a unanimous decision to find a place to eat. We found a small cafe, pretty simple from the outside, but bustling with good vibes on the inside. We found a quiet table near a fireplace in the back, and a waitress came to take our order. When our bowls of soup came, quiet conversation took over.  
  
“I really like that scarf on you,” Dom said again. “I think I’ll have to suck your neck more often.”  
  
“Please do,” I giggled. “I quite enjoyed it.”  
  
He smiled, sipping his tea. I stared at him, mesmerized by his beautiful features, perhaps unproportionate to some, but flawless to me. His oversized ears which stuck out from his blonde hair, his slightly big nose, his bright white teeth, everything about him was simply perfect to me. I stroked his hand across the table, having my soup and my tea, perfectly content to just look at him for the rest of the night.  
  
“While you were at work I was looking through some cookbooks you have in the cupboard. I’d really like to try cooking some more.”  
  
I raised my eyebrow at Dom, trying to imagine him being successful in the kitchen. For some reason, I was unable to conjure up an image of him flipping perfectly cooked pancakes or dishing up seared Ahi tuna on two plates for us.  
  
“I know, I know,” he said, laughing. “I want to try though. I’d hate for our relationship to be one sided, with you doing all the work all the time.”  
  
“Trust me, you’ve given me plenty already.”  
  
“Not as much as you’ve given me.”  
  
I cocked my head to the side, implying for him to go on.  
  
“You’ve given me a home, food, a family, protection, safety, and love. I’ve only given you a few orgasms.”  
  
“No, Dom.” I shook my head, holding his hand on the table. “You’ve given me all those things, love, if not more. You’re my everything now.”  
  
“God I love you so much,” he whispered, grey eyes shining.  
  
“I love you too.”  
  
“Are you going to let me at least try cooking?”  
  
I smiled. “Oh I guess so,” I teased, squeezing his hand. “Just make sure the house doesn’t burn down.”  
  
We both giggled then finished our meals. We payed, then bundled up again to face the cold weather. As we walked home hand in hand, we were silent for the most part, our conversation never taking too much depth. Soldier was waiting for us when we arrived at the house, and after the both of us showered and brushed our teeth, we were curled up tightly against each other in bed.  
  
“Remember the first time we slept together,” I said softly into his hair.  
  
“Mmm,” Dom hummed. “It wasn’t that long ago.”  
  
“It feels like a lifetime ago. I was scared shitless that I’d do something wrong.”  
  
“Aw.” He flipped over to look at me, that gorgeous smile ever present on his face. “I’m glad we did it,” he said softly.  
  
“Me too. I can’t imagine not having you in my arms right now.”  
  
“So romantic,” he giggled.  
  
“I know, I’ve felt like nothing but a lovesick fool these last few weeks.”  
  
“Same. I can’t say I don’t like it though.” He placed a kiss on my cheekbone and my heart thumped. Our fingers were laced together, resting on my bare hips with Soldier inching his way between us on the big bed. I laughed, pushing the dog down a bit so that I could be closer to Dom, who didn’t smell and wasn’t covered in fur.  
  
Dom’s lips roamed my face, kisses placed everywhere. He hummed against my skin and my eyes fell shut, enjoying his breath and lips. My hips were gently rocking against his, the movement natural. Neither of us were hard, but the slight stimulus and friction was pleasant and hypnotic. I felt myself falling asleep until the movement stopped. Dom had completely laid back down, the back of his head to my face, which was odd. Usually we slept facing each other so that when we woke up the first thing we saw was the other’s eyes.  
  
“Dom?” I asked softly, wanting to make sure he was okay. “Love?”  
  
He flipped, and I saw the familiar sight of tears gathering silently in his eyes. Wordlessly, I moved forward to hold his body. I stroked the back of his head, whispering comforting words into his ear and placing soft kisses on his lips when I felt they were necessary.  
  
“You’re okay,” I said, letting my hand fall to his shoulder to rub some of the knots from the tense muscle. I wasn’t sure what had started this, whether he’d been thinking too much or if something had triggered it.  
  
“I’m so sorry,” he choked,  
  
“No, Dom, you’re fine, it’s okay. Whatever it is, you can tell me,” I assured him.  
  
“I’m afraid to have sex again,” he whispered, before crumbling in my arms, crying softly into my shoulder.


	16. Chapter 16

****  
“You know I’ll wait,” I whispered. Dom’s body shook as I rubbed his shoulders, trying my hardest to reassure him of my patience and love. I could feel his damp eyelashes, cold against the bare skin of my neck as he curled his head into me. I softly rubbed the back of his head and kissed his jawbone. “It’s okay, Dom, it’s okay.”  
  
“No it’s not,” he wailed, moving back to look me straight in the eye. “I’m a fucking mess. I shouldn’t even be alive right now.”  
  
“No,” I whispered, shaking my head and placing my hands on either sides of his face. I looked deep into his soft grey eyes, praying he’d never say those words again. “Don’t you dare say that. You’re here for a reason.”  
  
“I can’t even be in a proper relationship,” he sobbed.  
  
I pulled him into me again, moving us down further into the warm duvet. “We don’t need to be in a proper relationship,” I said, stroking a stray piece of blonde hair off his forehead. “We could never have sex and I would still love you just as much as I would if we had sex every day for the rest of our lives.” I kissed his cheek, letting my lips linger on the skin there. “I love you so much, Dom. It’s not all about sex.”  
  
“I want to have sex with you though,” he said, looking at me through teary eyes. “I want to be the one privileged enough to say they’re the only one to ever make love to you. I want it so bad.”  
  
I shut my eyes, letting his words sink in. He was so genuine, and I would be lying if I said I didn’t feel a stir in my belly at his confession. It made me feel important and loved, and although I said I could wait - and I was going to keep my word - I couldn’t help but grow excited and nervous at the thought of finally crossing that line and doing it with him.  
  
“I want it too,” I whispered, moving my lips against his. “But what I want more...” A kiss to his nose. “Is for you to feel safe.”  
  
“I do feel safe. I always will, with you.” He breathed heavily. “I seriously feel a million times more confident with you. I want to go out with you, take you out on the street, show you off, go dancing with you. But I’m terrified to have sex.” He began crying again, and I pulled him into me.  
  
"It's okay, baby," I soothed. "It's okay, I understand." I cradled his body in mine, kissing everywhere so that he knew I meant my words.  
  
"I love you so much," he whispered, a stray tear falling. I caught it with my finger, stroking it away. "Please, never change."  
  
I smiled, closing my eyes again. Dom flipped his body around, and I shifted to move my arm over his hip, spooning him from behind. I settled my head behind his neck, and held his back to my ribcage, and his bum to my hips. Lazily, I let my hand drift to his bare ribs, softly massaging the scar there.  
  
“You feel so perfect there,” he said softly, tears still evident in his voice.  
  
“Hmm?”  
  
“Against me like that. It’s... comforting.”  
  
“It doesn’t make you uncomfortable?” I asked.  
  
“No. Please stay there.”  
  
I felt the skin of his thigh beneath my hand and fingers, soft and practically hairless just below the bottom hem of his boxers. “Okay,” I whispered. “I will.”  
  
“Thank you.” Dom’s hand was on top of mine, our fingers lacing together and resting in front of him with my arm draped over his body. He was still sniffling a bit, but with a few reassuring kisses and whispers declaring my love for him, he calmed down, and we eventually fell asleep together, a light rain just beginning to patter on the roof, melting away the remaining snow from the previous weekend.  
  
~  
  
“Dom, are you sure?” I asked, suspiciously eyeing the building we had stopped in front of.  
  
It was the next weekend, and the previous week had gone by without another implication of having sex. We talked about it some, but for the most part, our physical interactions were limited to touching and kissing. Part of it had to do with the fact that I was picking up another teacher’s guitar lessons - something I hadn’t done in quite a long time, but very much enjoyed doing - whilst she was on holiday with her family, leaving me both physically and mentally drained every evening from the extra work hours.  
  
But it was Saturday then, and as I stood hand in hand with Dom in front of the door, rejuvenated after a long night’s sleep, I wondered what the hell we were doing there.  
  
“It’s just a gay bar,” Dom laughed. “I promise, nothing bad is going to happen to you.”  
  
“I’m not worried about myself,” I said, eyeing him carefully.  
  
He smiled and moved forward and kissed me gently on the cheek. “I love you. I’ll be fine. Stop worrying.”  
  
“I’ll try.”  
  
“Good,” he said, pulling me toward the small line that had gathered outside the door. “We’ll have fun, I promise. I can’t wait to show you off in that.”  
  
I blushed, looking down at the outfit he’d forced me to put on. I didn’t mind it, actually. My self esteem was never really at its best, but the tight black trousers and black blazer made me feel, dare I say it, hot, making my frame appear more fit and thin, rather than skinny and sickly. Dom had been complimenting me the entire walk to the bar, and the amount of sheepish smiles I let out was ridiculous.  
  
As Dom walked ahead of me, I couldn’t help but check out his arse in his own outfit. I’d been shocked by the bright yellow trousers at first, but then I remembered the time when we went to Tom’s and packed up all of Dom’s old stuff, which included the David Bowie and Queen tee shirts and other flamboyant pieces of clothing. The bright bottoms were counteracted by his tight black shirt, the top few buttons undone to show off his beautiful skin beneath. I walked up behind him, placing my hand on his hip as we showed our I.D.s and walked into the bar.  
  
I hadn’t told Dom, but it was my first time in a bar, period. I’d walked by plenty during my time in uni, seeing drunk students wobbling out at three in the morning and barely being able to stand up straight long enough to call out for a taxi, that I had never had the desire to go to one. When I walked in, it was not what I’d expected. Dom had assured me beforehand that it was low key and fun, just a place to have a drink and spend time with some neat guys. And that was just what it was.  
  
A long bar took up the back of the building, with bright lights illuminating different bottles of alcohol stacked high on the shelves. Off to the side there was a DJ, and in the middle of the floor was a group of about thirty or so people, mostly men with a few women, dancing closely together. Off to the sides were smaller groups of three to five, drinks held in hand, conversing casually. There was no pole dancing, no overly muscled men in spandex dancing provocatively, nor mysteriously bright green shots being hoisted victoriously into the air before being dumped into mouths to poison livers.  
  
“Come on,” Dom said, pulling me to the bar as I started to take in the scene around me. “You have to meet Daniel. He makes the best mojitos.” I was dragged to the bar by Dom, and we sat down just as a man with sparkly pink eyeliner and tight pink trousers walked up behind the counter, shaking a drink in one hand and pouring one in the other.  
  
“Dominic!” the man said cheerfully. “Haven’t seen you here in a few years!”  
  
“Hi Daniel,” Dom replied, already accepting the first drink the bartender handed him over the counter. I figured Dom must have come here often before.  
  
Daniel handed me a mojito and I smiled shyly, taking a tentative first sip. “Who is this handsome young man?” Daniel asked, turning to Dom.  
  
I blushed just as Dom’s entire face lit up, making my heart soar. “This is Matt. My...” Dom paused. Was ‘boyfriend’ taking it too far? Surely we were more than that, exceeding the boundary between silly relationship and lovers. He stared at me for a few seconds, Daniel looking between us, waiting for Dom to finish. “Boyfriend doesn’t seem right,” he finally said. “Matt is my everything. And I love him.” Dom lightly pecked me on the cheek.  
  
A big smile spread across Daniel’s face as I blushed into the collar of my blazer. The bartender cheered and quickly jumped up and down, reaching down below the countertop. “You two are just perfect, I am so happy for you Dom, I have to take a picture!” Before I knew it, Dom’s arm was wrapped around me and we were leaning into each other and smiling, the click of the camera going off as Daniel clapped excitedly. “I’ll email them to you later tonight,” he told us.  
  
“For our picture timeline,” I giggled, kissing Dom on the lips, the minty taste of mojito on his mouth.  
  
We stayed at the bar for a long time, chatting with each other and with Daniel in between times he served other customers. A few times Dom asked me if I wanted to dance, but I was quick to deny each time, to his disappointment. It was weird to see Dom in this environment, chatting easily with the men and their partners that sat by us. He was a completely different person from the one who cried himself to sleep on my sofa every night for weeks. I loved seeing him that way though, it made me feel as if I had a part in it. When Dom got up to use the loo, I started talking with Daniel a bit more.  
  
It turned out Daniel was an art teacher at a local college by day, and a bartender by night. I also learned that he was engaged to wed the love of his life, Tyler, though there were no plans for a wedding soon due to current laws.  
  
Eventually, the topic turned to Dom and myself. Daniel mentioned to me that Dom had been a regular when he turned 18, the same time he had begun bartending, which was how they grew to be friends. Daniel told me that Dom’s visits had started occurring less and less, and that he had begun to be worried about the blonde when they completely stopped altogether. Dom returned from the toilets, and gave me the silent permission to tell Daniel everything.  
  
The other man continued to make drinks but listened intently as we took turns telling our story. Dom kept his composure the entire time, never regressing into one of his triggered panic attacks that we both constantly feared. During slow times at the bar, Daniel would lean over the counter and nod, listening to every word as we recalled everything, the night of the rape, the awkward first few days, the growing friendship, the careful beginnings of a relationship, and eventually the love that began to inch itself into both our hearts.  
  
By the time we finished, I trusted the other man with everything. Besides Dom and my family, I’d never had someone who seemed so supportive of everything, and I knew Dom and I would be coming back to the bar soon  
  
“This last one is on the house,” Daniel said, handing us both our third or fourth mojitos of the night. Daniel’s shift was over, and Dom and I were left to ourselves for a bit. A familiar song started thumping from the speakers and Dom grinned wildly at me as I let out a small smile.  
  
“Please?” he asked, making his grey eyes big like a puppy dog.  
  
I rolled my eyes, but allowed myself to be pulled from the bar and out onto the dancefloor. I wasn’t drunk, but tipsy enough that a dance with the man I loved to a Lady Gaga song couldn’t hurt anyone.  
  
Warm bodies surrounded us, and I pushed the claustrophobia out of my mind as Dom pushed his body close to mine. I wasn’t sure what to do; the fast tempoed song was a guilty pleasure of mine and I knew it inside and out from listening repeatedly to it, but the only time I’d ever danced in public was with Elena at her and Paul’s wedding, which was to something a bit more mellow. I awkwardly put my arms around Dom’s hips, looking at the other men around us for ideas of what to do. We swayed back and forth, smiling at my lack of dance skills.  
  
“Come on Matt, if you can make a classical piano arrangement of Born This Way then I’m pretty sure you can let loose and have a bit of fun.”  
  
I tilted my head back, letting out a burst of laughter just as Dom leaned forward and sang (loudly and very off-key mind you) “Don’t be a drag just be a queen” into my ear. I finally let go, allowing my body to follow my mind, and pretty soon I was actually enjoying myself. I let myself jump up and down stupidly, just like every other person around me. The friction between my body and Dom’s was hot and filthy, sweat beginning to drip down both our necks and wetting our collars.  
  
The bar was pretty mellow; there was nothing too scandalous going on on the dancefloor. Men were dancing close together, but there was no disgusting dry humping or provocative grinding. As the song switched to an electronic one, synthesizers and computer generated drum beats blaring from the speakers, Dom pulled our hips closer together. We moved tightly, a poppy slap bassline urging us on. I felt so free, the white rum from the mojitos running swiftly through my veins, blocking out any embarrassment or second guesses.  
  
“God you look so fucking hot right now,” Dom shouted over the heavy music. I couldn’t reply; I grabbed the back of his head, pulling our lips together with a slight crash. Before I knew it, we were snogging, the people surrounding us long forgotten. I was suddenly drunk off lust, and bucked my hips upward, grinding into Dom’s thigh in tempo with the song. His eyes widened, and he looked at me, happily surprised by my actions. I repeated the movement, thrusting up against him in time with the synthetic drum beat. A few of the other dances around us had stopped, observing us as we moved against each other. A few whistles were let out, our lips moving frantically against each other. I tilted my head sideways, increasing the friction, needing and craving his contact. “So hot,” Dom mumbled.  
  
I let my hands roam to his hair, tugging at the strands. We slowly moved across the floor, to the side by a speaker where there was more room and openness to explore. My hands touched between his shoulder blades; I constantly felt the need to bring him as close as possible to me, although I knew with how our bodies were pressed tight together that being even closer would be nearly impossible. Still, my hips bucked upwards, seeking the contact he had for me. We snogged, rocked our hips against each other, and snogged some more. Cheering erupted from a small, slightly drunk group of men behind us as we pulled away to breathe, both of us panting heavily from our sudden heavy advances upon each other.  
  
“I need to use the toilet,” I gasped, trying to steady myself on my wobbly legs. Dom nodded, breathless, and I walked away as I felt an uncomfortable hardness forming in my trousers.  
  
When I got to the loo, I locked myself in a stall, still gasping for air. I had to take control, but the buzz of alcohol that was suddenly coursing through my veins left me giddy and only wanting to go out and snog Dom some more. I shook my head, telling myself I had to calm down, and unzipped my trousers. I took my painfully hard cock in hand and brought myself to orgasm as quickly and as quietly as I could, all the while thinking of a firm arse in bright yellow trousers. I bit my lip as I came into my palm, then tucked myself back into my trousers and went to the sink to wash myself up.  
  
I looked at my reflection in the mirror; four months previous I would have cringed at myself, my hair stuck straight up - the ultimate epitome of sex -, my slimming blazer, and red, blushing cheeks. With an adjustment of my collar and a quick run through of my hair with my fingers, I pushed the door open to walk back into the bar. A tall brunette slipped past, and I gave him a brief smile before venturing back through the crowd to where Dom was sitting at the bar.  
  
The blonde smirked at me as I slid into the stool next to him.  
  
"Get everything under control?" he asked with a giggle.  
  
I nodded, sipping a glass of water he had sitting out for me sheepishly. Back to shy, dorky Matthew.  
  
“You looked fucking incredible,” he said slyly, running a hand up my thigh. My cock immediately twitched back to life in my trousers, and I could feel shy, dorky Matthew beginning to slip away again. “So hot, like the icon of sex.” I coughed, trying to tame my raging hormones as Dom leaned in to kiss me. I felt the warmness of his breath on my lips, smelt the scent that I was now permanently associated with him, felt his perfect hands on my thigh, hitching up further and further until-  
  
“Hey blondie.” Everything stopped: Dom’s breath, his scent, his hand, they all stopped. I slowly tore my gaze away from Dom’s face, looking behind him at a bloke who I could only seem to describe as ‘hunky’ and at least twice Dom’s age. Not big like Chris, hunky. He looked disgusting, the greasy man no one wants to sit next to on the tube who radiates body odor and shitty beer. Dom slowly turned around, and I saw his face go pale as he noticed the man.  
  
“Hi Jakob,” he choked out. I watched in horror as the Dom I was beginning to know more and more, full of confidence and self-esteem, slid away to fearfulness.  
  
“Who’s your little friend?” the bloke asked with a smirk, poking a gross, sausage shaped finger in my direction. I looked at Dom, confused by what was going on. Did he know this man, this Jakob person?  
  
“Don’t, Jakob,” Dom whispered, a tear falling from his eyes.  
  
“We all know how you work, Howard.”  
  
“No.” Dom began shaking and curling inwards, and I reached over, wrapping my arms around his shoulders.  
  
Jakob let out a bellowing laugh, quite a disgusting sound, extremely unpleasant to the ears. “You fucking whore,” he spat. “You actually care about this one. You’re pathetic, Dom. You’re just going to end up on the streets again.” He turned to me. “You’re with a slut right now, you know that?”  
  
I was confused, but I couldn’t take it anymore. Hearing his harsh words attacking Dom were making my heart break. I narrowed my eyes, glaring at Jakob and giving him the bird. “Shut the fuck up,” I spat.  
  
“Matthew, it’s fine! Just ignore him,” said Dom, but from the tears in his eyes I knew Jakob’s words had shot him straight in the heart.  
  
I shook my head, anger boiling as I stood up to face the older man. He had at least a foot and a half on me, and probably weighed twice as much as me. I swallowed nervously. “Leave us the fuck alone.”  
  
Jakob chuckled again and I flinched at the disgusting sound. “Skinny little shit,” he laughed. “Dom usually goes for the bigger blokes, surprised he picked you out of the bunch.”  
  
“Jakob just let us be,” Dom wailed from behind me. My breathing had gotten heavier and my blood was boiling in pure rage.  
  
“I can’t believe you picked him,” Jakob said, shaking his head. “Stupid of you not to choose the option I gave you.”  
  
“Fuck you!” Dom spat, finally standing up from his spot on the stool. “Matthew loves me and I love him. Why would I ever choose to live with a despicable man like you who fucking raped me every day and every night for two months?! Just so I had a place to sleep?! Fuck. You.”  
  
Before I could prevent anything, Jakob stepped forward, placing a harsh slap against Dom’s cheek. I gasped, jumping out to catch him as he fell back. Everything happened so quickly after that, but it also slowed down, like the intense action scenes in spy films; a fist came from the side, punching Jakob in the nose and knocking him to the floor as I held Dom up, trying to help him stand as a crowd gathered around the chaos. Daniel, who had just changed into his street clothes, stepped forward to help me sit Dom down.  
  
I looked around me. People were cheering as Jakob came to, seeming very embarrassed and confused. I saw a man standing near Daniel with bruised knuckles, but he had a huge look of relief across his face. It was the same man I’d brushed by on my way from the toilet and after I saw Daniel protectively inspect his injured fist then give him a quick kiss on the cheek, I assumed it was Tyler.  
  
Jakob was being escorted from the bar, and I wrapped my arm around Dom as Daniel and Tyler walked over to us. Tyler knelt down, gingerly placing his hand on Dom’s cheek which was beginning to swell up and become a bright purple color. Daniel overlooked the situation, seeming worried much like myself.  
  
Dom whimpered in pain, seeming to come to his senses, and I placed a kiss on the hand I was holding. “It’s okay, Dom. I’m here.”  
  
“Tyler and I will drive you two home,” Daniel quickly suggested. I nodded, still too shocked by the whole situation to say anything that didn’t revolve around comforting Dom.  
  
Daniel quickly left, and Tyler grabbed a pack of ice from the ice box beneath the bar to hold against Dom’s face.  
  
“I don’t think his cheekbone is broken, thank God,” he said. “But it’s going to be sore for a while.” I nodded, squeezing Dom’s hand. The taller brunette suddenly turned to me. “I’m Tyler, by the way, Daniel’s fiancé.”  
  
“Nice to meet you,” I said, somehow being able to conjure up the words. “Thank you so much.”  
  
He nodded, then went back to inspecting Dom’s injury, and the sudden reality of everything that had just happened hit me like a double decker tour bus. Tears began to run down my face, and I hurriedly tried to wipe them away with the sleeve of my blazer. Soon I was trembling in the back of Daniel and Tyler’s car and holding tightly onto Dom, never wanting to let him go.  
  
Dom kept quiet the entire time, only a few whimpers of pain here and there as the car maneuvered its way through London on the way to our house. Once we were home, Tyler helped me carry Dom upstairs into bed. Then we were left alone with promises from my new friends to check in the next morning.  
  
I stroked Dom’s back, but the blonde remained silent. I almost thought he had fallen asleep, but one sentence proved to me that he was still awake.  
  
“Please promise me I’ll never end up back on the streets,” he whispered.  
  
My heart snapped, and I willed myself not to burst into tears at the pure sadness I heard in his voice. “I promise, Dom.”


	17. Chapter 17

The next morning, my house had never been fuller. Daniel and Tyler were the first to show up, bearing flowers and a framed print of the photograph Daniel had taken of Dom and me the night before. It immediately made its way to the wall, bringing a smile to my face during such a difficult time. A short while later after the couple left, Tom, Arianna, Chris, Kelly, Alfie, and Ava Jo all arrived, and my heart swelled at the attention and support Dom was receiving.  
  
When I realized later that evening that we were completely out of painkillers, Tom offered to go with me to the pharmacy to pick some up, and we left Dom under the motherly supervision of Chris and Kelly while Arianna watched over the two kids. I was scared to leave him - he’d been drifting in and out of sleep for hours, never completely aware of his surroundings after the previous night - but Kelly and Arianna assured me they’d watch over him while I was away with Tom.  
  
As I stared at rows and rows of painkillers, from specialized children’s medications to kinds for certain types of pain, I blanked out, letting everything just suddenly hit me. My eyes kept looking straight ahead as I replayed the scene over and over again, of Jakob’s horrible laughter and the way he’d stepped forward and raised his hand to Dom’s face, harshly hitting the man I loved more than I could ever imagine loving someone before. Then, something I hadn’t felt so intensely since my recovery after my parent’s died hit me hard in the face, an emotion I never wanted to feel ever again: guilt.  
  
My chest tightened and burned as I choked up with tears and fell to hit the floor.  
  
“Holy shit, Matt!” Tom gasped, reaching out. I felt his arms supporting me, digging into the flesh of my ribs as I tried to regain my balance and breathe through the constrictions that were happening in my lungs. “Stand up mate, come on. Hey, it’s okay!” He gave a worried rub to my back as he lead me to sit down on a random stool that was sitting in the middle of the aisle. Other customers in the shop sent us weird looks as Tom tried to get me under control.  
  
I put my head in my hands, tears tumbling down my reddened cheeks. My chest burned as panic rushed through me, mixing with my blood and making it impossible to breathe. It was like someone had stuck a knife in my chest, and every time I felt like I’d gained control of my emotions, the knife would twist and the pain would start again. I counted to three and breathed in and out, as slow and steady as I could manage. Every few breathes resulted in a hitch and a fresh wave of tears. Tom kept silent but remained concerned and supportive.  
  
“It’s all my fault that this happened,” I said quietly, looking bleary eyed through the tears at Tom. I felt ashamed, stupid, like a failure for letting Dom, his best mate, get hurt under my protection. “I should have jumped in front of him or pushed him out of the way, it’s not fair, I just-”  
  
“Shh, Matt, this isn’t your fault. Let’s just get the medication for Dom then get you back home, okay?”  
  
I took a shaky breath in and nodded, allowing Tom to pull me up and lead me to buy the painkillers and back out to the car.  
  
When we arrived back home, the house was quiet. The kids were watching a film on the television while Chris, Kelly, and Arianna all sat at the kitchen table reading. I sent them out of the house as soon as The Lion King was over for the kids; they’d stayed and helped long enough, and they all deserved a break from watching over Dom.  
  
He was still sleeping when I quietly entered the bedroom, Soldier snoozing beneath his arm. I tried to remain as quiet as possible as I stripped down to just my boxers and moved the duvet to slip under it and next to him. I pushed Soldier to the side a bit and placed a kiss to Dom’s forehead and pulled him closer, drawing a happy sigh from him.  
  
“You awake?” I asked, barely a whisper.  
  
“Yeah,” he said softly, eyes fluttering open to look at me.  
  
My eyes scanned his face in the darkening room, his bruised and swollen cheek bone and hair stuck up in every direction from sleeping all day. “I’m so sorry I let that happen to you. I love you.”  
  
“Tom told me what happened in the pharmacy, it’s not your fault.”  
  
“I should’ve been there for you.”  
  
“You were though” Dom argued. “You stood up for me, and how were you supposed to know Jakob was going to do that?!”  
  
“I’m supposed to protect you,” I said, casting my eyes downward to look at the sheets on the bed.  
  
“You did,” he whispered. I felt his lips on my cheekbone and I let some of the tension escape. “What would’ve happened if you hadn’t been there? He probably would’ve taken me to the toilets and had his way with me.”  
  
A sound escaped me, the one I almost always made as my heart split whenever Dom would recount something like that. “Did he really do that to you? All those things you said back at the bar?” I asked.  
  
Dom nodded. “He was the first one. Met him at the bar, mentioned I had nowhere to stay, and he offered me a spare room for as long as I needed with a very small rent. He was nice enough, and it was actually okay for the first few nights. About a week later, he came into the room I was staying in, forced me to have sex with him, and things just went from there.”  
  
“Dom,” I choked. “I-”  
  
“Let’s not talk about it, okay? I have you now.” He kissed me on the lips once again, the slightest touch sending shivers down my spine, and I buried my face into his hair just as a tear just barely slipped out of my eye.  
  
Thoughts ran through my mind, pestering me. How the hell did I find someone as amazing and forgiving as him? It was something that my brain would never be able to fully comprehend, how a single scream in the middle of the night would lead to the best thing that ever happened to me. Everything that made up Dom, every strand of hair, every skin cell, became my reason to live and breathe. The sound of his breaths in the air, mingling and twisting with mine, was more beautiful than any piece of music I’d ever heard or performed. His eyes, a light grey that sometimes bordered on a pale green, didn’t remind me of a dreary, cloudy day, but of a summer’s day where a thin layer of clouds just barely blocks out the sun, making the weather comfortable and peaceful: my favorite kinds of days.  
  
“I love you,” I whispered.  
  
“I love you too.”  
  
The number of times we’d said “I love you” to each other could not be counted on both of our fingers and toes, but it was a phrase that would never get old. The somersault my heart did when he said was just as intense as the first time we’d ever exchanged the words, never dying down to become something less.  
  
My hand drifted to the back of Dom’s head and I massaged his scalp whilst humming quietly to myself. Dom craned his neck, and I smiled, pressing my fingers in a bit deeper as I continued humming. He mumbled into the pillow, sighing with content.  
  
“Never heard you sing before,” he said softly, looking up. “What song is that?”  
  
“You And I by Jeff Buckley,” I said, tracing my fingers over his wrist to distract myself. “It was on the record Sarah gave me for Christmas, it reminds me of you.”  
  
“It’s beautiful,” he whispered. “As is your voice.”  
  
“Thank you. I don’t sing much anymore.”  
  
“Well you should. For me.”  
  
I blushed deeply, thankful for the darkness of the room hiding the red color taking over my face. I buried my face into the pillow and Dom chuckled softly, his hand on mine.  
  
“I hope it’s okay I say this, considering we’re both way too old to be saying shit like this, but you’re adorable,” he said. I stared at him and he giggled. “See, just like that. Your eyes get all big and blue and your lips twitch a little bit like a child.”  
  
  
  
“That is rather childish Dom, don’t you think?”  
  
“Yes, but it’s true. I don’t care if you’re in your thirties, you’re cute.”  
  
I sighed, then laughed teasingly. “You’re not so bad yourself.”  
  
Dom threw his head back, letting out that brilliant laugh that I loved so much and had been missing since before the confrontation with Jakob the previous night. “I’m glad you think that, because you’re stuck with me.”  
  
“And I wouldn’t have it any other way,” I said, punctuating every word of the sentence with a kiss to his lips.  
  
“You’re too good to me,” he whispered.  
  
“Because I love you and you mean the world to me.”  
  
“Matthew...” Lips were pressed to my chin and I closed my eyes, letting Dom roam my face with his mouth for a bit. “God, I love you.”  
  
“Pretty sure you said that just a few minutes ago,” I giggled, opening up my eyes to look at him, his eyes sparkling with happiness.  
  
“Oi.” He smacked my arm playfully then pulled me closer into him. “Shut up and kiss me.”  
  
“That I can do,” I said, giggling once more before arching up to finally, finally let our lips and tongues fully meet in more than a simple peck for the first time since the previous night, which was a very long time for us. I felt his hand on the small of my back, the weight of his body as he slowly moved on top of me, forcing his mouth down and open onto mine. I willingly opened up my mouth for his tongue, flicking inside and touching in all the right places.  
  
Dom was bouncing back. Time periods between setbacks and our “normal” routine were becoming shorter and shorter, this last one lasting less than a day. Already, Dom had pushed it behind him; he was happy, and I was happy.  
  
As things became more heated and the rest of our clothing was removed, my body was electric at the feeling of him on top, being dominant, but not over-controlling. It felt right, like that was the position I was supposed to have in our relationship the entire time. Submissive but not weak.  
  
Not once since our relationship had turned sexual did I ever have to reconsider what our positions would be in the bedroom for when we finally would do it. Despite being older, the rescuer, I was the virgin and Dominic was the experienced one. He would be on top for the first time, and we’d discussed it multiple times. From what I knew, he’d talked with his therapist about it quite often as well. People seemed to be shocked to find out we still hadn’t crossed that line, if Dom would be on top. Why should it make a difference? It wasn’t the actual sex that Dom feared, the sensation of being filled by your lover to the brink of pain and pleasure, but the idea. Top or bottom didn’t matter, what mattered was that Dom’s last experience with sex was horrid, “worse than being ripped apart limb by limb” as he’d told me during one of our late night cuddles. It wasn’t about position; it was about redemption.  
  
It was one hundred percent up to me to make everything better for Dom. We’d long established that our first time would be emotional, cherished, something to not be taken for granted. And all the moments leading up to it, the soft touches, the whispers of pleasure and love, were to be cherished as well.  
  
“I never thought...” Dom attacked my neck, nipping at the skin and I gasped, cutting off my words. “Never thought this would happen,” I mumbled.  
  
“Shh. Just let me take care of you, no talking.”  
  
I sputtered an agreement, surprised by the husky tone in my voice. I allowed myself to be laid face down on the bed. I heard shuffling then Dom’s footsteps walking away along with the jingling of Soldier’s collar. I looked up to see Dom coaxing Soldier outside of the room.  
  
“Go on downstairs for a bit,” he said to the German Shepherd. “I’m going to take care of Matthew for a little bit. Go on!” He closed the door behind him and I put my head back down, hearing Dom shuffling in one of the drawers. I tried not to let my head conjure up some crazy thing that Dom might have been doing, but the options were endless. I jumped as I felt something cold press into my back. “Sorry love,” Dom said quickly. “It should warm up quickly.”  
  
“Are you giving me a massage?” I asked, stunned. What could I possibly have done to deserve something like a massage?  
  
“Hey, no talking. You always pamper me, it’s my turn now.”  
  
I sighed into the pillow but obliged. Dom really was quite a master with his hands. Something I never noticed with myself was how tight the muscles in my back and shoulders often got. Piano isn’t necessarily a strenuous instrument, but a combination of stress and countless hours of being hunched over really took its toll on my posture. As Dom’s fingers dug into the muscles, I let out soft groans of approval. I could feel every knot slowly become undone as he worked over the flesh. When he moved to my lower back, I arched upward, and he giggled to himself. His fingers rubbed the spot where my bum met my back and I mewled in response.  
  
“Does that feel good?” He asked softly.  
  
I nodded my head and hummed as he pushed his fingers in a bit deeper, working the muscles to the point where I hissed slightly. Dom let up a bit, moving lower. I tensed as his fingers rubbed the fleshy part of my arse, but I relaxed again when I realized it was just a massage, nothing more.  
  
I could feel myself drifting off into sleep, rhythmic hands luring me into a state of mental peace. The soak of the lotion into my pale skin seemed to seep into my bloodstream, filtering through my whole body to bring me to such a carefree feeling.  
  
“Matt?” came Dom’s voice just as I began to fade into unconsciousness. I blinked my eyes awake as Dom removed his hands and leaned down to give me a soft kiss. “I love you.”  
  
I wiped at my sleepy eyes then smiled. “I am never going to get tired of hearing you say that,” I said. “I love you too.”  
  
“You ready for bed?”  
  
I nodded and pushed my body back down into the duvet as Dom got up to let Soldier - who was patiently waiting outside the door for the entire time - back into the room.  
  
And then, something happened for the first time; I turned on my side as always, opening up my arms for Dom, but he shook his head. I looked at him in confusion, but he quickly made his point clear, flipping me onto my other side and wrapping his arms around me. I froze, but quickly melted into the position as the ‘little spoon’. I could feel the rise of Dom’s chest behind me, his breath to the back of my neck, and his hips to my bum.  
  
Just before finally falling asleep, my mind drifted back to the previous twenty four hours. Everything was still fresh, the bar, Jakob, the ride home, but something about Dom changing so quickly, putting it behind him and taking care of me made my heart swell. I never would have admitted before that I dreamt of being spoiled and pampered by Dom; that would’ve been completely irresponsible and arrogant of me. But after he actually did it, it felt so right that I was positive it would be happening more in the future. It had to, because it was just natural.  
  
When my eyes drifted to be permanently closed, and my mind swayed between the conscious and the unconscious, I faintly heard the familiar tune of You and I by Jeff Buckley hum from Dom’s closed lips.  
  
~  
  
I should’ve known the day was going to come soon. That next week, as Dom grasped my hand when we walked out of the therapist’s clinic heading in the direction of the car, he gave me the news.  
  
“She thinks I’m ready enough for a job,” he told me, trying to hide the proud smile that obviously showed on his face.  
  
My jaw dropped, and it was like sunshine had come after a cold and long year of winter. I pulled Dom in close, right on the street of London, kissing behind his ear and squeezing his entire body with joy.  
  
Less than six months after being victim to possibly the most brutal crime, here he was, strong, confident, and ready to enter the workforce. Beautiful Dominic. My Dominic.  
  
“I’m so fucking proud of you,” I exclaimed, kissing him firmly on the lips.  
  
He blushed, but the smile that just kept on increasing lit up my whole world, a lightbulb in a non industrialized society, a fire in the coldest, deepest, darkest cave. “I’m going to need some nicer clothes,” he said. “For interviews and stuff.”  
  
I grinned widely, kissing him once more on the cheekbone which was slowly beginning to turn to its normal size and color. “I think it’s time for a celebratory shopping trip.”


	18. Chapter 18

“Matthew, you should get these.”

 

I looked over from my spot by a rack of professional looking blazers to see Dom holding up a pair of very tight looking red trousers. I shook my head and blushed, clearing my throat. “We’re here for you, remember?”

 

“Yes, but, you’d look amazing in them,” he said with a pout.

 

“Maybe some other time,” I replied, turning my attention back to the more work-oriented clothes. There were all types of dress shirts, and I settled on picking which color would look best on Dominic. Eventually I held up a black button down and a deep blue tie, and he shrugged before taking them from me and heading toward the fitting room. I tossed a pair of dress trousers to him as he made his way inside. Then, I sat down on the plush cushion just outside the door.

 

“Matt,” Dom called from the other side of the door. “These trousers are really tight.”

 

“Tight as in uncomfortable or tight as in they make your arse pop out a bit?”

 

A pause. “The latter.”

 

I rolled my eyes. “Come show me.”

 

The door slowly creaked open and Dom popped his head out, seeming to make sure no one else was around. Tentatively, he walked out, and my jaw dropped.

 

I’d grabbed the trousers at random; they were inexpensive, professional looking, and seemed to be about Dom’s size. There were no words for how perfectly they clung to his arse, loose enough to not completely overdo it, but tight enough to keep things very interesting. The black fabric was snug around his bum and thighs, and looser around his calves. They were a bit long, his clothed feet just barely poking out at the bottom, but that could be fixed. The black shirt was tucked in neatly, the blue tie snug around his neck, and it took all my will and self-control not to grab him and snog him for hours on end in the middle of the shop.

 

He smiled shyly and we made eye contact. “Does it look okay?”

 

“Okay? Dominic, you look fucking incredible.”

 

“Really?”

 

“Yes!” I exclaimed. I simply could not stop staring at his figure, so stunning that even all the world’s best sculptors could never carve something quite as beautiful as the way his backside sloped into long, elegant legs. “Come on, get changed, and let’s get going. Soldier probably misses us.”

 

We’d been shopping for most of the morning, unsuccessful until we hit this particular shop. I was anxious to get home as quickly as possible, wanting a nice, quiet day to simply live and spend time in each other’s presence. Those were my favorite days, no clocks to keep us on top, no places to be, no errands to run. They were usually defined by long films, or a series of multiple films, then a simple dinner and an early bedtime.

 

As I drove us home, dark clouds forming in the up in the air with promises of heavy rain and possible thunderstorms in the early February sky, I simply could not wait to be home.

 

“Should we rent a film?” I asked, slowing down at a stoplight and eyeing the video store down the next street. Dom nodded, and a half hour later we left the shop giggling with a video in hand.

 

“I can’t believe we’re doing this,” he said as we neared the house. I glanced over at him as he inspected the DVD case with a broad smile across his entire face.

 

“What I can’t believe is the fact that of all the Disney movies there are, the one you haven’t seen is The Lion King!” I said.

 

“I know I’m such a lame boyfriend, even the bloke at the checkout counter agreed.”

 

“Nah, you’re pretty great. I am happy to be the one to watch it with you first, it’s truly a classic,” I told him. “Even if it breaks my heart every time I watch it,” I added quickly, avoiding his gaze.

 

“What?” he asked. I kept my lips shut, staring straight ahead at the street, navigating around the other cars. “Matthew, is this film sad?” I didn’t reply. “Matt?!”

 

~

 

A fourth round of popcorn was chucked at the television screen.

 

“He, fucking, what?! He can’t fucking do that... Oh my God!” Dom stared at me, tears threatening to tumble down his cheeks as Simba ran up to Mufasa, who was obviously dead. Dom hissed when Scar came up, and I softly reached out, stroking his arm as he raged and pouted. “I can’t believe this,” he said with a huff, leaning back into the sofa and my arm.

 

“It gets better,” I giggled.

 

Dom gave me a sarcastic glare. “I don’t care. This is bullshit. Scar needs his fucking balls shoved up his arsehole.”

 

I giggled again, covering my mouth with my hand. Another glare, and I gave him a little poke in the ribs and kissed the frown off his face. He automatically melted into me, and the Disney film was forgotten for about twenty minutes until Soldier barked, bringing us back into the world.

 

~

 

For the next week and a half, I juggled five million things at once. Tom and I switched off with driving Dom to job interviews at various places - mostly supermarkets, retail stores, and restaurants - I had a packed teaching schedule, and I was beginning to plan what exactly we were going to do for our very first Valentine’s Day together.

 

In my opinion, Valentine’s Day was a worthless, pointless, overrated, and just plain stupid excuse for a holiday. As a child it was fun, walking around the classroom, passing out homemade cards and sweets to every person, making an extra special one for your teacher whom you greatly admired, but after one turns thirteen, all the fun goes out the window and Valentine’s Day becomes more of a game, a game where if you’re in a relationship then you’re considered worthy, and if you’re single, you’re looked down upon. So, since I turned the ripe old age of thirteen, I had completely ignored it, despite getting a few things for my family. But, I was greedy with Dom.

 

Okay, maybe I am actually a romantic sap at heart. I’ve always loved simplicity and craved human contact, and with Dominic, I finally had it. I wanted to make our first Valentine’s Day together special, just the first one, so that I knew what it was like to be on the other end of the spectrum, to be considered worthy and normal on a day that is otherwise completely unnecessary. I planned to dress my best, make a reservation for two at the best restaurant in town, and simply show him off. After that, every Valentine’s Day would be normal, maybe a card or some chocolates, but nothing out of the ordinary.

 

On the 13th of February, I told Dom of my plan, and he seemed to like it, telling me he’d already gotten me a little something for the day. I’d already made reservations for us at a quaint, yet very nice (and expensive) Italian restaurant, and I couldn’t help but get excited at the prospect of our night out. Dom was getting better every day, and his already good moods improved even more whenever we went out for dinner. It was like the incident at the bar was a wake up call; we realized how many people cared for not just him, but the both of us. It was thrilling and it finally made me feel alive and young.

 

As we kissed and talked that night, I saw a brand new fire swirling in his deep grey eyes. His voice was beginning to drip with sleep and weariness, falling over the line of awake and unconscious. I watched with the utmost love as his eyes became heavy and dropped closed, the fire still not extinguished. It was new and unexpected and it awakened me, sent a shock of electricity down my spine as I tried to identify how it made me feel. I only came up with nothing. There were no words for it, and I was left with confused yet intrigued thoughts as I held his warm body against mine, luring myself to sleep with his heartbeat and breath against my thin lips.

 

~

 

“My, don’t you look handsome?”

 

I blushed as I walked past Gloria on my way out the studio, carrying my canvas bag full of my old jumper and jeans, all the handmade Valentine’s cards from my students stacked neatly on top. There was also plenty of chocolate too, which I planned to give to Dom. Sweets had always made my stomach pudge out, and not in the cute way. I smoothed my jacket down then

straightened my tie for the five millionth time, and Gloria gave me a thumbs up.

 

“You look amazing, Matthew. He’s going to love it.”

 

“I hope so,” I said, nervously biting my thumb nail and glancing at the clock. Dom would be expecting me to be at the house in a half hour. “What if I screw something up, make myself look like a complete dick?”

 

“Matt,” Gloria said with an eyeroll. “You’ve been a couple for, what, almost two months now? He already loves you, and it’s not like this is your first date!”

 

“But this is our first nice date,” I argued.

 

“You’re so difficult,” she said, shooing me out the door with a good hearted chuckle. “Go have fun, show him off, dance the night away-”

 

“-make love beneath the stars,” came a voice from behind me.

 

“Chris!” I shouted, blushing a bright red and covering my face with my hands. The bigger man let out a booming laugh, accompanied by Gloria’s high pitched giggle, and I walked out to my car as fast I could to avoid any more of my friends’ words.

 

~

 

“Dom?” I called when I reached home, swinging the front door open.

 

“Up here,” he replied from our room.

 

Soldier trotted up to me and I knelt down, giving him my typical kiss to the nose, a lick on the cheek given to me in return. I giggled. “You’re not Dom, mister.” Soldier sneezed, then began hopping up the stairs and moving into our room where Dom was getting ready, completely ignoring me. “Okay then,” I said with a laugh. “I’ve been replaced! Dom you ready?!” I called again.

 

“One second.”

 

I stood by the railing impatiently. I could hear Dom moving about in the room and kept checking my watch. I eventually sat down at the foot of the stairs, running a hand through my hair. “Dominic,” I said again, more sternly. I started to turn around. “We’re going to be la-’”

 

Words were stolen from my mouth as thick, full lips came into contact with mine, and I practically fell over from the force of it all. My heart fluttered as I felt a hand move to the back of my neck, just below my hairline, and the impatience I had just a few seconds earlier was completely whisked away.

 

“Dom,” I moaned, lightly touching his lower back.

 

Our lips separated and I pouted. He leaned forward, whispering “I love you” into my ear, then took my hand and lead me to the car where I slid into the driver’s seat. I was in a love-induced haze the entire time. It wasn’t until we pulled up to the restaurant that I finally snapped out of my gaze, able to concentrate on the night ahead of us. I held the door open for Dom, taking the opportunity to see what he was wearing.

 

I’d be lying if I said he’d never looked so handsome. Clad in black trousers, a black button down, and a red tie, I could feel my self esteem plummet just being around him. I looked down at my own clothing, feeling so small and pathetic next to him in my baggy jacket and probably crooked old tie. He was just so beautiful, always dressed perfectly and then there was me. I followed him nervously to the hostess’ stand, waiting behind a small line of people.

 

“Dom,” I whispered into his ear. “I feel stupid.”

 

“What? Why?” He found my hand and squeezed it with his and I blushed.

 

“I’m not dressed nice and I just feel silly next to you.”

 

“Nonsense!” he said. “You look absolutely dazzling.” He fiddled with my tie, straightening it out and lightly touching my neck. “You’ve been transformed from dorky piano teacher to something very special.”

 

“Dorky piano teacher?!”

 

“Only when you wear the colorful music note jumpers,” he said with a wink before kissing me lightly. “Stop worrying, you look amazing tonight.”

 

I took a deep breath, trying to relax my tense shoulders. I still felt weird, but Dom still loved me, so did it really matter if my jacket was a few sizes too big?

 

A clearing of someone’s throat caught my attention, snapping me out of my thoughts, and I turned to the hostess, a thin and tall Italian woman with curly black hair and an olive complexion. “We have a reservation under Bellamy,” I said to her.

 

She ran her finger down a page and nodded before grabbing two menus. “Right this way, please,” she said in a thick accent. We followed the woman through the quiet restaurant. Every table was taken by a couple, and all the tables sported white table clothes and wine red runners. So this is what Valentine’s Day is like in the restaurant business, I thought to myself. The lights were dimmed and soft classical music playing from speakers. It was, dare I say it, very nice and romantic. We were seated at a table in the back, near a wide window and a warm, crackling fireplace. The woman gave us our menus, we ordered a glass of wine, then she let us be.

 

“This is really nice,” Dom said thoughtfully, glancing around the restaurant.

 

“Yeah, Gloria recommended it. She told me she used to come here for Valentine’s Day every year until her husband died.”

 

“She’s widowed?” Dom asked, surprised. “You never told me that!”

 

“Yeah, it’s been about three years. Heart attack, Gloria doesn’t want to talk about it much, so we pretty much try and stay away from the topic.”

 

“Jesus, that’s horrible.”

 

I nodded, sadly sipping my wine. “It was hard. He was lovely, and Gloria was the first person I met when I started working at the studio. It was hard seeing her try and get through it.”

 

“I can’t even imagine,” Dom said softly. “Having someone you love so much taken away from you so quickly, God.”

 

I swallowed thickly. “Yeah.”

 

“Oh shit, Matt...” Dom’s hand wrapped around my shoulder, and he scooted his chair to my side of the table. I took a shaky breath as I felt his hand on my chest, willing myself not to cry as I remembered so vividly the death of my parents. “I’m sorry, love, I forgot, I just slipped and-”

 

I waved him off. “It’s okay, it’s okay,” I said quickly. “Let’s just forget about it, yeah?”

 

“Okay, you sure?”

 

I nodded, and he moved back to his spot across from me. Our wine came, releasing the tension in the air, and the waitress poured us both glasses before informing us of the specials.

 

“We also have a three course Valentine’s Day special for two. It consists of an appetizer, entree, and dessert, and can be found here.” She pointed to the bottom of our menus, and we nodded, scanning over the options. “Would you like to take a minute to decide?”

 

“That’d be great, yeah,” said Dom. “We have no where we have to be tonight. Cheers!”

 

She gave him a smile and left, topping off our glasses of water on the way. While we discussed what we wanted and waited for her to come back, we couldn’t stop talking about the restaurant. It was small, narrow in width but long, seeing as it was on the corner of the block and went back a bit. I loved the eclecticness of it all, the mismatching curtains and Italian art hanging on the walls, some held in old and worn picture frames and others simply held up on a shelf by a potted plant. The entire place still had a sense of unity to it though, with the tablecloths and warm, cozy feel.

 

The waitress came back and we placed our order. We settled on the three course meal; we had plenty of time and it wasn’t very often that we got to indulge. As she scurried away, I felt Dom’s gaze and I blushed. His eyes seemed to watch me every second, my face heating up every time he’d give me a tiny smile.

 

“Why are you looking at me like that?” I finally asked shyly.

 

“Because I’m excited,” he responded simply.

 

“For?”

 

He simply grinned and I pouted.

 

“Dominic...”

 

“You’ll find out soon enough.”

 

“What is it?” I asked, sounding a tad bit like a whiny child. “Is there something on my face?” I picked up my napkin, dapping at my chin. Perhaps I had spilled a bit of wine?

 

He chuckled and shook his head. “It’s your gift. I’ll give it to you after our appetizers.”

 

I frowned, but decided to comply. Our appetizers came - tomato basil crostini - and we dug in. Heaven filled our mouths, delicious flavors engulfing me and my senses as we ate. I tried to eat slowly. We had a lot of eating still to do, and rushing through it would be no fun, so I tried to pace myself, stopping every few minutes to lean back, sip wine, and talk with Dom, my favorite thing to do in the world.

 

When our dishes were cleared, Dom leaned over, retrieving something from under the table. He came back up, handing me the thin envelope across the table. I looked at it curiously, and he nodded at me to open it. “Your gift,” he said, and I nodded in understanding. “I’ll have to explain it once you see,” he added.

 

I broke the seal, being careful not to give myself a papercut, and dumped the contents of the envelope on the table in front of me, contents being one single piece of paper. I picked it up, reading carefully over the words. I was confused, rereading it over again.

 

“Dominic Howard and Matthew Bellamy. Mid-London Medical Center. 5th of March. 10 am”

 

“Dom, what is this?” I finally asked.

 

He reached across the table for my hand and held it gently. He swallowed once, and for the first time of the night, he seemed to be the nervous one instead of me. “That’s our appointment, date and time.” I was still confused, and raised one eyebrow. Dom took a deep breath and continued. “To go and get tested for STDs. I was tested already, after the rape, but it only covers the main ones, HIV, gonorrhea, etcetera. I want to get a more extensive test, and I want you to get one too, just in case.”

 

“I... what?”

 

“I don’t want to give you anything. I love you too much for that to happen. I’ve done so much shit with other people, it scares me, and I can’t imagine myself giving you anything that would make your life anything less than perfect. I’d hate myself forever if I did that to you”

 

I felt my heart rate speed up, pounding consistently against my chest. “Dominic, does this mean...?”

 

“Yes,” he said, leaning closer. “I’ve thought about this for weeks, I’m ready, Matt. I’ve been ready. I love you and I think I loved you the second you came into my hospital room, the second you offered me into your life. Not the way I do now, but anyway..” He squeezed my hand, dropping his voice to a whisper. I leaned over the table to hear him, tears gathering in my eyes as I heard the man I loved speaking so honestly. “I owe it to you, I want to give this to you. I want to show you how much I love you in its purest form, the right way for the first time and every time after.”

 

“Dom-”

 

“Your entrees, gentlemen!” said the waitress cheerfully, coming up from behind us. She saw us, the tears in both our eyes but the smiles on both our faces, and quietly set our food down, backing away quickly with a small smile. “Enjoy,” she whispered.

  
“I love you,” he whispered, before finally closing the short distance between us, our lips sealing in possibly the most perfect kiss I’d ever experienced.


	19. Chapter 19

Dom’s gift to me was more than a gift. Normal gifts don’t make your heart feel like it’s going to explode out of your chest (metaphorically), nor do they make tears that, no matter how hard you try, won’t stop pouring from the corners of your eyes. From onlookers in the restaurant, it probably looked like I had just received the greatest news ever, which wasn’t necessarily untrue.

 

His gift was basically a promise, a promise to me that he was recovered and ready. As I’d thought about many times before, it wasn’t about the actual sex itself, and it was never going to be.

 

Dom’s poise, his ability to turn the worst thing that ever happened to him into something great, was never going to stop me from falling in love with him even more. I couldn’t get over his manner at introducing the fact that he was ready. I knew that we were going to have sex eventually, and that it would take time. I’d always pictured it in my head as something simple, no declaration or anything. Maybe we would’ve already been naked, snogging, and Dom would’ve whispered into my ear that he was ready. That was how I had always thought it would go down, anyway.

 

When I opened the paper and Dom explained to me what it meant, it was like all my feelings for him were a tiny wave in the ocean, started by a small crack in the floor and eventually turning into a tsunami of emotions. My love for him was so powerful, the thought of what I could do with it was unknown to me. It was so strong, it could destroy me if I wasn’t too careful.

 

“I’m sorry the appointment can’t be sooner,” Dom said, interrupting my thoughts. “That was the quickest I could get it.”

 

“Oh Dom,” I whispered, finally sitting back in my chair after being so close to him while my thoughts exploded inside my brain. “You don’t have to be sorry, this is just so amazing.” I looked down at the paper again, smiling softly to myself.

 

“I was worried it wouldn’t be romantic enough,” he chuckled.

 

I shook my head, smiling sheepishly. “No, it’s perfect.”

 

“Good.” His shy smile matched mine, and I felt like a complete love struck fool. It was the greatest feeling ever.

 

~

 

After that, everything was a blur. It should have been something to be disappointed with myself over, having such an expensive meal and then not really remembering it, but to be honest, I didn’t care at all. We had our dinner, our dessert, paid the bill, and the next thing I knew, we were back home in our bed, Soldier was sleeping on the sofa downstairs, and Dom’s lips were roaming all over my body.

 

“Fuck,” I gasped, watching his tongue swirl over my chest. I felt his lips wrap around my nipple, and he sucked hard, tugging just barely with his teeth. My hips involuntarily bucked up and I screamed before covering my mouth. He sat up, giving me a sly look that dripped with sex before slightly raising one eyebrow. “Do that again,” I whispered shyly, feeling a blush crawl up my neck and spread through the skin on my face. His face moved down again, and he latched onto the other nipple as I let out a scream that matched the previous one.

 

I stared, mesmerized at my saliva-slick chest as Dom moved to my neck, pressing soft kisses on my pulse point. I rolled my eyes back as I felt teeth nibble on my ear, then full lips pressed to mine. I sat up, the urge to be as close to him as possible pulling me to a sitting position. My arms were behind me, supporting my weight as Dom climbed into my lap, sitting with his thighs gently pressed around my hips. I felt fingers tugging at my hair and sliding down my neck, eyelashes blinking against my cheek every few seconds.

 

The little noises he made as our lips snagged on teeth buzzed in my brain before shooting straight down to my cock. As he rocked upwards onto my body, his hard cock poked into my stomach, and I wanted so desperately to stroke him until the brink of pleasure. I moved to bring my arm forward to touch him through his boxers, remembering too late that all my weight was on my two arms. My left elbow buckled and I fell back onto the mattress.

 

He giggled. “C’mere you,” he whispered. I felt two arms under me and before I knew it, we were flipped, my arms supporting my body as I leaned over him. My bum arched up as his hips gave little thrusts upward, our chests heaving against each other. The pads of Dom’s fingers ran up and down my ribs as I shuddered into him, feeling weak against his powerful kisses. “Matthew.” He spoke quietly, almost inaudible into my mouth. “Love, I’m going to try something, let me know if you want me to stop.”

 

I nodded, breathing heavily and letting myself fall slightly on top of him, relieving a bit of the weight I had on my skinny arms. His hands on the back of my ribs moved lower and lower, and soon I felt fingers peeking under my trousers and the elastic band of my boxers. I shivered, electricity running up my spine in tiny little bursts of energy.

 

“We need these off of you,” he mumbled, sitting up a bit as he slid a hand between us. I sat up, allowing my fly to be unzipped and the bottoms to be pushed down. “Mmm, much better,” he said as they were tossed to the foot of the bed. His own clothes had been removed earlier, and the feeling of his bare thighs lightly touching mine and our hard cocks brushing with only two thin layers of clothing to separate, was buzzing. I tried to take steady breaths, seeing through the fog of lust to focus on him, the look of dominance I always found in situations like this, but still with caring, lovely Dominic underneath. It was hard to focus on anything with the completely dirty and filthy looks he was giving me, all of them, from the sly eyes to the sometimes slightly upturned lips, gathering and shooting down to my cock.

 

Dom’s hands started to move lower and lower, until they brushed the line between skin and boxers again. I moaned at the feeling of a palm slipping under the fabric, cold yet comforting against the soft skin of my arse.

 

“This okay?” he asked softly, beginning to lightly move his hand lower.

 

“Yes,” I stuttered. I felt a finger slip between my cheeks and I gasped, Dom pulling away immediately.

 

“Sorry,” he said quickly.

 

“No.” I shook my head. “It felt good. Just surprised me.” I bit my lip as he nodded and slid his finger down again, pressing lightly against me. I moaned at the feeling, not quite at the point of penetration, but still awakening the nerve endings there. It had been a long time since I’d touched myself there, and Dominic’s fingers just felt so perfect to me.

 

Dom removed his fingers, bringing them between us in front of my mouth. “Suck,” he commanded, and I obeyed, allowing him to slip three digits into my mouth. After a few minutes, they were slick and coated with my saliva, and he pulled them out, returning his hand to my bum. When his first finger pushed in, I tensed up. His fingers were different than mine, bigger, but not as long. “Just relax,” he whispered, and my body melted. Past the tight ring of muscle, and another finger was added.

 

“Goddamn,” I moaned as Dom began to lightly thrust his fingers in and out of me.

 

“Love when you swear,” Dom whispered, his other hand drifting between us. I looked down with heavy eyes as he pulled his cock from his briefs, beginning to stroke.

 

“Nuh uh,” I whispered, pulling us to our sides so that my arms were free. I pushed his hand away, taking his cock in my hand, thumbing my finger over the head. Dom whined into my neck, but continued to stretch me open, pushing a third finger in. At first, my body rejected the intrusion, a burst of pain ripping through me, and I screamed. He pressed a kiss to my collar bone as I winced, willing myself not to cry. I repeated to myself over and over again that if Dom could be raped and beaten to his very core, yet still want to be with me in a relationship, sexually, then I could man up and grit my teeth through the pain. And did it pay off.

 

Dom twisted his fingers a bit, and my body immediately relaxed as pleasure burst through me at every end. I moaned as he reached deeper inside me. I could feel myself pulsing around his fingers, and it left me breathless. I tried to focus on pleasuring him, letting my hand do the work without thinking. I didn’t realize just how fast I was wanking him, because before I knew it, he was gasping and spurting between us, screaming my name and biting his lip until it bled a rich, filthy color, while I wasn’t even close to coming.

 

His fingers stopped for a second and we stared at each other. “Holy fuck,” he whispered, his legs giving little twitches. “Matt, I...”

 

“I’m sorry,” I said quickly. “I didn’t realize how fast I was going and-”

 

My words were cut off by lips and pleasure as his mouth crashed against mine, his fingers began moving inside of me, and his other hand snuck underneath my boxers in the front and wrapped around my straining cock. I groaned loudly, letting my hips rock forward and backward into his palm.

 

I said his name with long drawn out breaths, trying to find closure between his fist and his fingers, never knowing if I should push back or thrust forward. The stimulus from both ends was dizzying, invigorating, and I was already getting to the point defined as painfully hard. “G-gonna, come,” I gasped when Dom thrusted his fingers deep, reaching a point I never thought another person would ever reach. I screamed out, letting myself go and shooting hard into his hand, my body shaking as I moaned his name into his ear over and over. I shuddered, collapsing on top of him.

 

We stayed like that for a few seconds - maybe a few minutes, I couldn’t tell - as I tried to regain my head. His free hand was softly stroking my sweaty back, and as I felt him pull his fingers out, my body was very confused as it was suddenly no longer filled. My breathing was labored, and the sweat gathering under my wispy brown hair was running down the sides of my face.

 

Dom lazily threw his hand to the side, gathering tissues to wipe our hands and stomachs, before pulling me into him. “Matt, that was incredible,” he whispered.

 

I simply nodded, unable to say anything at that exact moment. My eyes felt heavy and my skin itched from being covered with come, sweat, and saliva. “I think we should shower,” I finally managed to say.

 

“Mmm,” Dom replied. “We should. We should also talk about how beautiful you are when you’re submissive. And when you come.”

 

I blushed into him as he chuckled. Our relationship was slightly bizarre in that sense. Yes, I was the submissive one. I was the one to squirm and moan in the bedroom, to let Dom have his way with me. I was the one gathered in arms, panting at the end because he simply took my words away from me. But it worked for us, and in all other ways, I could pick it up and be dominant; I could care for Dom whenever he was emotionally down.

 

“We should really shower,” I said again, the smell of body odor finally overcoming the sweet smell of sex.

 

“Yeah we should,” Dom said, giving me a slight smile.

 

“But...”

 

“But it can wait until morning,” he whispered. We burrowed down into the duvet, removing our slightly dirty boxers. I smiled as we wrapped limbs around each other, ready to sleep. I almost drifted off, until a “Shit!” alerted me.

 

“S’wrong?” I asked sleepily.

 

“Soldier is still downstairs.”

 

I mumbled quietly to myself, incoherent words, then shrugged. “He can stay down there for one night,” I said with a smile. Dom grinned, his bright white teeth shining even in the dark bedroom. I laid out flat on my back, and he wiggled forward, placing the side of his head in the curve of my shoulder and neck, wrapping an arm around my stomach. We fell asleep just like that a few short minutes later, my own hand resting securely on the back of his head, rubbing slightly into his hair. Body odor and all, it was the perfect end to our first Valentine’s Day.

 

~

 

Slobbery kisses awoke me the next morning. I shielded my eyes from the bright sunshine streaming in from the open curtains, shocked into being fully awake. Soldier was completely on top of me, his big tail thumping against my legs from his place on top of the duvet.

 

“How’d you get in here?” I giggled, scratching behind his ears and eyeing the open door.

 

I heard the shower running and smiled to myself, pushing the sheets off my legs and grabbing a clean pair of boxers before heading to the bathroom door. As I pushed it open, I was met with steam, the smell of shampoo, and a head of blonde hair just visible from the other side of the plastic shower curtain.

 

“Good morning,” came Dom’s chipper voice over the pounding of water in the shower.

 

“Morning,” I yawned, reaching for my toothbrush. “Why are you up so early?” I asked, eyeing the digital clock on the countertop.

 

“Interview today,” he said, pushing back the curtain and reaching for one of the fluffy white towels on the shelf.

 

I tried to will myself not to stare as his dripping wet body came into view of my eyes, but I couldn’t turn my head away from him, his golden hair sticking to the back of his neck, the small droplets of water dotting his body, and his cock resting between his thin thighs. I watched with heavy eyes as he toweled his hair, leaving it fluffy and sticking out in a million directions, then wrapped the towel snug around his waist. I pouted and he smiled shyly before stepping forward and kissing me on the cheek.

 

I smiled into him, pressing a quick kiss to his collar bone before facing the mirror and sink again to brush my teeth. “Do you need me to take you today?” I asked, spitting into the bowl.

 

“Nope, Tom has it all covered.”

 

“Great! Where is your interview today?”

 

“Tesco, I’m hoping I do okay.”

 

“You’ll be great,” I encouraged, watching as he put a bit of product in his hair. “Have you heard back from any of the other places yet?”

 

“No,” he said, shaking his head sadly. “It seems my lack of education and job experience isn’t getting me far.”

 

“Don’t say that,” I said, holding him close. “I’m sure they’ll get back to you soon.”

 

“We’ll see,” he said quietly, shrugging.

 

I kissed his temple before casually giving his bum a little squeeze. He shrieked and looked at me with a shocked expression.

 

“What’s all up in your pants?” he asked with a little giggle.

 

“Just had a great night with my amazing boyfriend,” I said, smiling just a bit.

 

“Oh, is that so?”

 

The mood was already turning, and I felt the needs to tease. “Mhm, he’s great. Love his fingers, love his hands.”

 

“Ooh, should I be jealous?” he challenged as he stuck his tongue out.

 

“Maybe,” I said with a wink.

 

“Matthew!” he gasped, a mock expression of horror covering his face. “I can’t believe you.”

 

“He was just too beautiful, I couldn’t control myself.” I was already leaning in to kiss him again, and he closed the last few inches before I could, snagging my lips. I whined into his mouth, pressing my fingers into his damp hair.

 

“I should punish you,” he mumbled, leaning down a bit to touch my bare thigh. I moaned as he began to pull my toward the bedroom and I stopped him.

 

“Dominic, interview,” I said.

 

“Tom isn’t here yet,” he replied as we walked backward into the room. He shooed Soldier off the bed, and before I knew it I was laying back onto the bed and Dom was attacking my lips with his. I groaned and whined into his mouth, arching my back as I felt tightness building in my crotch, pushing against my boxers. I was seeking contact, needing to feel his hand on me, wrapped around my shaft, and I began to thrust my hips gently upward, seeking friction against the towel that was still wrapped tightly around Dom’s waist.

 

“You need to get dressed,” I said into his lips as he tugged at the corner of my mouth with his teeth, softly biting the skin there.

 

“It can wait,” he mumbled. Just as he moved to pull down my boxers, a loud knock startled both of us. “Goddammit!”

 

I pouted at Tom’s terrible timing, staring down at my straining cock as Dom quickly moved to the wardrobe and began to get dressed, gave me small kiss on the cheek, and swiftly jogged down the stairs, barely having time to say “I love you” before an obnoxious knock came again. I was then left with a hard-on, and a dog who was looking at me like he knew exactly what was going on. He cocked his head to the side, giving me the look.

  
“Don’t look at me like that,” I groaned, moving to the bathroom to start a hot shower and take care of myself.


	20. Chapter 20

“We’re on our way back, should be home soon. I’ve invited Tom and Arianna over for dinner, hope that’s okay. Love you, Dom x”

 

“That’s fine, can’t wait to see you, Love, M x”

 

I exited out of the iMessage on my phone, smiling to myself, and slid it back onto the kitchen countertop. I was thankful again for Tom stepping up and taking Dom to yet another interview while I got set on getting ready for our weekend trip to Teignmouth for Sarah’s recital. The last two weeks had consisted of three things for us: interviews for Dom almost everyday, a huge bunch of new piano students for me, and impending nerves and excitement for the both of us because of what was happening on Monday, the 5th of March. But first, we had a little road trip.

 

I opened up a cupboard in the kitchen and pulled out a box of couscous, enough for four, and shuffled through the refrigerator, looking for the pasta sauce I had made earlier. I put it in a pot then set the stove on medium to heat it up. As it simmered and the noodles softened in hot water, I set about preparing the table for our company.

 

A light pitter patter of rain was hitting the roof in a gentle tempo, and I felt myself relax a bit. I was, without a doubt, being overworked. I hadn’t been able to drive Dom to any of his recent interviews, and it saddened me. I wanted to be there with him for it all, but work prevented that. Our quick holiday to Teignmouth was needed, and I was excited for my weekend with Dom and my family. Plus, a new piano teacher was being hired, so my work load was about to lighten a lot. I ran my fingers through my hair and unbuttoned my dress shirt, revealing an old tee shirt underneath. I slipped on an old sweater that was laying across the sofa and replaced my tight trousers with trackie bottoms and I suddenly felt a lot more comfortable.

 

When the door unlocked and I heard the shuffling of feet and Soldier’s claws clinking against the floor, a huge smile spread across my face. I poked my head around the corner of the kitchen, turning the stove down on the couscous, eyeing a familiar head of blonde hair with sprinkles of rain droplets dotting the strands. His smile returned mine, and I stared at him for a few seconds, lovestruck.

 

I set the wooden spatula down on the countertop and moved down the hall to welcome him home and invite our guests inside. Tom and Arianna were removing their shoes as I kissed Dom gently on the lips, giving myself a second to breathe in his scent.

 

“Welcome home,” I whispered, kissing below his ear once again.

 

“I was only gone a few hours,” he giggled.

 

“Felt like an eternity.”

 

“You two are ridiculous,” Tom interrupted with a good-natured roll of his eyes, his fiance laughing quietly beside him as she removed her raincoat.

 

“Oh Thomas, be nice,” laughed Dom, already making his way down the hall and into the kitchen. “Mmm, smells delicious, love,” he said, turning to me.

 

We shared another kiss - resulting in another remark from Tom - and then I quickly drained the pasta and set all the food onto the kitchen table.

 

“So, Teignmouth tomorrow?” Arianna asked once we were all sat down and well on our way through dinner.

 

“Yep, my niece has a piano recital. Wouldn’t miss it for the world.”

 

“That’s great,” said Tom through a mouthful of pasta.

 

“Love, wipe your face,” Arianna said, reaching across the table to wipe marinara sauce from the corner of Tom’s mouth. Tom stared at her through heavy lidded eyes, and Dom made a sarcastic gagging noise.

 

“Oh fuck off, Dom,” Tom snorted. Dom stuck his tongue out, giggling a bit. I watched the two interact, and wondered quietly to myself if this was Tom’s first time seeing Dom in a relationship where he wasn’t being hurt, where he was free to make his own decisions. What if this was the first time he’d even seen Dom happy? I found myself in a quick dip of melancholy, thinking about Dom’s past, and how hard it must have been for Tom and Arianna to watch him be hurt repeatedly. I couldn’t imagine it; it was hard enough for me seeing him after he was raped, so hard for me to even talk about it with him because it hurt me so badly to see him upset. We’d never talked specifics about it, about what they’d done to him, because I was so terrified of seeing him hurting.

 

Dom must have seen the puzzled expression on my face as I watched them, because a few seconds later he interrupted my thought process. “Matt, you okay?” he asked.

 

I blinked, regaining myself, and nodded. “Just thinking,” I said, not wanting to give myself away. Dom looked at me again, then shrugged, and we all returned to our meal.

 

After a few glasses of dessert wine, Tom and Arianna left, and Dom and I set upstairs to finish packing our things for the weekend.

 

“Were you okay at dinner?” Dom asked again, looking at me intently as he folded a shirt over his legs.

 

“Yeah,” I said. “I was just thinking about us, you know?”

 

“Like, us, together? Are you nervous, Matt? We can wait, you know that, right?”

 

I shook my head and smiled at him. “I’m not nervous about that at all. Anxious, yes, excited, yes, but nervous, no.” I placed a gentle kiss to his forehead before turning back to my overnight bag.

 

“Well what were you thinking about, then? You seemed troubled.”

 

“It was nothing, Dom.”

 

Dom pouted, sticking his bottom lip out in an adorable manner. “Tell me? Please?”

 

I sighed, pushing my bag to the side and turning to him. “I’m scared of seeing you hurt,” I said softly.

 

“Matt...”

 

“After you were raped, I was so scared.” I looked at him and edged closer. “I was so scared,” I whispered again. “I never wanted to bring it up or talk about it and now we’re taking this big step with each other and I don’t want to do anything wrong because I don’t want you to get hurt again and-”

 

My worrying babble was cut off by a pair of lips and a hand underneath my shirt. “Please stop worrying,” Dom mumbled into my mouth. “I’ll tell you everything, I promise.”

 

“Okay,” I whispered, my arms behind me as Dom’s forehead leaned onto mine. I inhaled the scent of his breath, letting his warmness move over me and absorb itself into my skin. Every few seconds I’d feel his lips attach to my skin, and I sighed with content. My body was tired, my limbs weak from extra work, and I could feel myself drifting off. Strong arms wrapped around me and my head bobbed to the side sleepily.

 

“C’mon, time for bed,” he whispered, lifting me up from the floor. Our bags were left neglected as I was placed in the sheets. I reached for my pillow, pushing it under my head as I felt the bed dip behind me. I still had my trackies on, but was too tired to remove them.

 

“Dom,” I mumbled. “Make sure you have the alarm set for tomorrow morning.” My words were broken from sleep, and I drifted off before I heard his reply.

 

~

 

The opening of a front door and the scurrying of footsteps up to the car brought a smile onto my still sleepy face.

 

“Uncle Matt!”

 

I scooped up Corrine in my arms, hugging her tightly. “Hey you!” I exclaimed.

 

She giggled and I set her down, watching as she moved to Dom’s side of the car, giving him the same exact treatment. I breathed in the scent of the sea just a few streets down, and walked up to the house where Paul, Elena, and Sarah already were.

 

“Welcome home,” said Elena, ushering us all inside. Dom gave her a soft kiss on the cheek and a hug, then shook hands with Paul before hugging both Corrine and Sarah.

 

“Matt, I’ll help you with the bags,” said Paul as I picked up our things and began walking toward my old room.

 

“Thanks,” I replied, handing him one of the overnight bags, checking to make sure Dom was good with Soldier and the rest of our things. The dog was already happily playing with Corrine, wagging his tail happily.

 

I walked down the hall, pushed aside the door, and set one of the bags down. I eyed a box in the very corner of the room, a blow up mattress that we most definitely would not be needing.

 

“I know, I know,” Paul said as he caught me looking at the box, walking in behind me. “But Elena wanted to keep it in here, just in case.”

 

I nodded, stretching my arms behind my back. “Makes sense.”

 

Paul sat down on the edge of the bed and patted it for me to sit down as well. “So you two are pretty serious then?” my brother asked me.

 

“Um, yeah Paul. We’re a couple. Like an official couple.”

 

“Like with snogging and sex and stuff?”

 

I blushed, wanting to bury myself into the ground. “Yes,” I squeaked out.

 

Paul laughed and put a hand on my shoulder reassuringly. “I’m not trying to make you uncomfortable!” he said. “I just want you to be careful. I mean, Mum and Dad were never there to give you the talk and-”

 

I burst out laughing. “Paul, I’m almost 33!”

 

It was Paul’s turn to blush, and we both ended up laying on the bed, laughing to ourselves. “That was so awkward,” Paul chuckled, wiping the tears from his eyes. “I’m sorry.”

 

“No it’s okay,” I laughed, sitting up and trying to regain composure after my outburst. Here I was, age 32, and my older brother was trying to give me the sex talk. “God, that was weird.”

 

“Yeah, can we just forget that happened?”

 

“Yeah,” I said with a giggle. Paul stood up to leave and I called out to him one last time. “Paul?” He turned around, looking at me. “We will be careful, I promise. I don’t want him to get hurt again.”

 

Paul gave me a small smile, then left the room to let me start unpacking.

 

~

 

A soft chatter filled the auditorium as Dom and I sat down in our seats in the front row. The lights were dimmed and a single piano took up the spotlight in the center of the stage. Corrine was chattering away as usual, and I tried to make her be quiet, but it was no use. A taller girl who looked to be about 17 or 18 wearing a red dress and black fishnet tights came to our row and sat beside Corrine.

 

"Miriam!" she exclaimed, hugging the taller girl.

 

"Hey Corrine," she giggled. "You excited to see your big sister?"

 

Corrine nodded, and I stared at the two, confused. "Who are you?" I asked quietly, not wanting to offend the girl.

 

Miriam laughed, shaking her shoulder length brown hair out of her face. "I'm sorry, I should've introduced myself first! I'm Miriam, Sarah's girlfriend. You must be her Uncle Matt."

 

“Oh,” I said, surprised. “Sarah never told me she had a girlfriend! And yes, that is me.”

 

Miriam laughed, leaning back into her seat. “It’s fairly recent, we’ve only been going out for a couple weeks. Things are going well though.”

 

“That’s great,” I said, smiling. “It’s nice to meet you.”

 

“You too.”

 

“And this is Uncle Dom!” Corrine screamed out, pulling on Dom’s sleeve.

 

“Shh, Corrine,” Dom whispered. “We have to be quiet, it’s starting soon.” Dom gave a little wave to Miriam then sat back in his seat. I eyed Paul and Elena coming back from the refreshments table and ushered them into the two empty seats next to Dom just in time, the lights completely dimming except for the one spotlight on the piano as the first performer walked out. I glanced at the program, noting that Sarah was near the end. The performances were listed by age, starting with the youngest, at age 12, and going up to the oldest, age 18. Although Sarah was studying music for sixth form, and had many school events for it, she was still part of an active music academy outside of school. She was so similar to me in that way, wanting to immerse herself in music any way she could.

 

All the performers were magnificent; it was a prestigious academy, the one I had participated in during my time in Devon as well. Everyone enrolled was either a genius, or incredibly dedicated. And then there were the ones who fit under both categories. Not just anyone was let into the academy.

 

I often dreamt of teaching at the academy in Devon. The teachers were well-known, highly paid, and respected. But, like I pointed out, I belonged in London. It was my home, and the studio where I taught students of all ages, of all skill levels, was the place where I belonged. As I watched each performance, meticulously crafted and practiced over and over again, I thought about the hard work and determination that must have gone into every piece, and I only wished that I could make all my students, not just the dedicated ones, work that hard on their own music.

 

“What are you thinking about?” Dom whispered into my ear as the recital neared its end, only a few more performances left.

 

I gave him a small smile. “Piano.”

 

“No shit Sherlock,” he giggled.

 

“Shhh!” exclaimed Corrine, sticking her tongue out at the both of us. Dom made an action of locking his mouth and throwing the key away, resulting in a quiet giggle from the little girl. Our entire row was silenced as a girl with short spiky black hair walked onstage. She was dressed so differently from the sleek black dresses and high heels that all the other girls had worn to the recital, expressing her personality even through the strict “black only” dress code. Her tights were ripped, her dress laced with something that just said “punk”, and her old combat boots clunked along the floor as she walked toward the piano stool, taking a seat.

 

When Sarah began playing, a smile immediately spread across my face. I loved her like she was my own daughter and it made my heart swell with pride at every amazing thing she did. Watching her fingers dance over the keys to an unrecognizable song that she composed herself was flattering for me, knowing that I was the first person to sit her at a piano bench, the first to lay her hands on the ivory keys and tell her to press down and listen for the beautiful sound it created.

 

I glanced over at Dom, his head pressed against the back of the seat, his eyes shut and a smile inching itself over his face. I squeezed his hand, breathing deep and letting Sarah’s music absorb into my skin. The chord progression was simple, falling back onto a simple one I’d taught her when she was only nine years old. She used the piano’s register and her long arms and fingers to her advantage, making the stretches for the octaves both simple and breathtaking. It ended too soon, and a few minutes later our family was standing and applauding, Sarah was bowing, and the next performer was making their way onto the stage.

 

After everyone was finished, Dom and I took Corrine to the refreshments table while everyone else waited for Sarah to emerge from backstage. We returned to the group, pastries and juice in hand, to see Miriam giving Sarah a rose and a kiss on the cheek. My heart soared as my niece blushed; I was so happy that she was happy with someone, even if they hadn’t been together for very long. We stayed at the venue for about a half hour, talking with family and some of my old teachers, who were still teaching at the academy. They were all pleased to hear about Dominic and me. Apparently my struggles after my mum and dad died were more obvious than I had intended. When it was time to leave, hugs were given. Miriam promised she would stop by the house the next morning for breakfast before Dom and I had to drive back to London. We had a long drive back home, and Monday held something very big for us.

 

~

 

I bit my lip, grasping Dom’s hand as we both sat in the uncomfortable plastic chairs of the waiting area. I wiped my other palm on the leg of my trousers, taking deep breaths. No, I wasn’t nervous. I was about to be prodded with needles and have my balls squashed and poked, and it all was because I wanted nothing more than to have the man I loved inside me with absolutely nothing between us. No barriers. Just us.

 

“Matthew Bellamy, Dominic Howard,” a nurse called, the door swinging open.

 

My breath hitched. Okay, I was nervous. I squeezed Dom’s hand tight, his calm and cool expression doing everything to help me relax. We followed the nurse into a bright room, decorated with appealing posters of the male and female anatomy, and we both sat down in equally uncomfortable chairs as those in the waiting room. She asked us the basic questions - allergies, past medical experience, etcetera - then pushed her chair back and informed us that the doctor would be in soon to perform the tests.

 

“Dom,” I whispered when we were alone. “I’m scared.”

 

“Don’t be, love.” He kissed my cheek and I took a shaky breath. “It’ll be over quick. And then we’ll get the results back and we’ll never have to do it again.” He stroked my arm as I tried to calm down.

 

“What if I have something?” I asked rhetorically.

 

“You won’t. Don’t worry, we’ll be fine.”

 

“Dom-”

 

Just then the doctor came in, snapping his gloves over his hands. “Alright boys, let’s get you two checked up and out of here as fast as possible, yeah?”

 

Oh boy, I thought. Here we go.


	21. Chapter 21

The curtain in the corner of the room opened and I watched nervously as Dom removed the itchy paper gown we were both sporting. He gave me a reassuring smile, pulling on his boxers and trousers in one go. It really had been fast, and he’d offered to go first.

 

I swallowed, feeling my hand twitch from where it was sitting restlessly in my lap. The doctor smiled at me, and patted the examination table. I slowly stood up, shaking as I walked toward him. I sat down on the table, frowning as he pulled the curtain shut and gave me another smile.

 

“I promise, I’ll be very quick,” he said, rubbing me softly on the knee.

 

I jumped at his touch and let out a tiny shriek.

 

“Matt?” came Dom’s voice from the other side of the curtain. “You okay, love?”

 

The doctor looked at me, confused by my actions, and I swallowed nervously again. “I’ve never done this before,” I said, giving a weak smile. “Can he come in here with us?” I asked hesitantly.

 

The doctor bit his lip and thought for a few seconds. “I don’t see how that’s a problem,” he finally said.

 

The curtain was immediately opened, Dom pulling up a chair and sitting beside me as I laid nervously on the examination table. I squeezed my eyes shut as he took my hand in his.

 

“It’s okay,” he whispered softly.

 

I whined quietly, feeling my gown being opened up, but was nonetheless a lot more relaxed as he sat there with me. The doctor was very gentle and quick as promised; I barely noticed anything. It was the embarrassment that got to me more than anything.

 

“You have nothing to be embarrassed about,” Dom whispered as the doctor finished up. “The man probably sees a million penises a year.”

 

I blushed and the doctor let out a loud chuckle.

 

“Your boyfriend is right,” he said, standing up and pushing the curtain completely open. “You can go ahead and get dressed, everything looks just fine for the both of you.”

 

I heard Dom let out a relieved breath. It was the first time I realized how nervous he was - not for the examination, but the actual results.

 

I smiled, placing a chaste kiss to his cheek then moved to pull up my trousers as the doctor explained everything.

 

“Your blood work is on its way to the lab. We’ll call as soon as the results come in. Matthew...” He turned to me. “I’m not worried about you, most likely you’re completely clean, but Dominic, with your past experience, and the very basic, non-extensive test that was done after you were raped, I wouldn’t be surprised if there is something that was missed before.” I took a deep breath, squeezing Dom’s hand tightly as we waited for the rest of the verdict. “But hopefully, you’ll be clean. I can only wish you two my best.”

 

“Thank you so much,” said Dom quickly, pushing open the door. Then, we left.

 

~

 

I arrived home from work the following Thursday to find Dom sitting at the kitchen table, drumming his fingers on the rustic wood. A pile of papers were sitting to his left, and my heart rate sped up. Had the results come in the post already? Four days seemed awfully quick for such extensive tests being run.

 

“Is that what I think it is?” I asked softly, setting my messenger bag down and nodding to the one envelope set aside from the others.

 

He jumped up, looking at me then relaxing. “I’m afraid not. It’s from the police station, I wanted to wait until you were home.”

 

“Well I’m here now,” I giggled. leaning down and kissing beneath his ear. “Shall we make dinner and look over it together?”

 

“Sounds good to me.”

 

I gave him some potatoes to peel, praying to the heavens above or whatever the hell is up there that he wouldn’t somehow manage to cut his finger off. I watched him carefully as I seasoned two chicken breasts, rubbing rosemary and olive oil onto both then carefully placing them in the oven. Dom was successful with the potatoes, and I set them to simmer on the stove.

 

We had about a half hour until the food would be cooked all the way through, so I sent Dom off to give Soldier a walk around the block while I made sure the chicken wouldn’t catch on fire and burn the whole house down. When the door swung shut, I stared long and hard at the envelope from the police station. It took everything for me not to open it; I wanted to make sure that none of the information contained would upset Dom and perhaps send him spiraling back downward, four and a half months of our time together wasted by one trigger.

 

I feared the day his rapist was caught. It sounded terrible, it really did, but I knew the second Dom saw his face, all the love I could possibly give would still not be enough to take away the pain that face had brought Dom. I’d pull him close, whisper support into his ear, stroke lovingly down his trembling body, but it wouldn’t help. He was in the stage of his recovery where he was simply ignoring the memories. We hardly talked about it, only bringing up the topic in simple terms, and quickly changing the subject whenever something a bit more intense was mentioned.

 

My fingers itched to break the envelope open, dive into its contents, and ensure that there was no name and picture on the inside of a man who took advantage of the one person in my life I could never see myself living without. I didn’t want Dom to ever have to see his face. But I also didn’t want to open the envelope without Dom with me. So I waited. And waited.

 

The timer beeped on the oven, and I pulled out the chicken, letting it cool. I walked to the front of the house and looked out the window briefly to see if Dom and Soldier were home yet. I frowned when I couldn’t see them, and moved back down the hallway and sat at the piano. I began playing some scales, warming my fingers up, and they still didn’t return. I bit my lip anxiously, telling myself it was nothing, that they were both fine and that they just went for a longer walk than usual. Right, that was it.

 

I began playing a jazz piece, letting the swinging rhythm flow through my hands. Things just didn’t sound right though, the notes ringing and echoing through the empty house. It had been over a half hour, and Dom still wasn’t home. I played a few more measures, paying little attention to the music my hands were generating, and finally let my nerves get the best of me. I picked up my iPhone, getting ready to send a text to Dominic that would reveal my paranoid mother side. My hands were shaking, my mind already racing with thoughts of what could’ve happened. I suddenly froze at those thoughts. What if someone saw him, alone, took advantage of him, what if they attacked him, knocked Soldier in the face to stun him, what if he was raped again, lying on the cold road as someone beat him down, what if he’s crying out for me as I just sit here, on my piano bench, doing nothing, what if-

 

Just as I unlocked my mobile, I heard the front door swing open, some shuffling, and the click of dog nails against the floors. “Oh thank God,” I said under my breath as Dom appeared from around the corner.

 

“What’s wrong?” Dom asked. “It looks like you just saw a ghost.”

 

“Where were you?” I asked, my heart pounding in my chest.

 

“Walking Soldier, remember?”

 

“You were gone a long time, I was so worried,” I said in a hushed breath.

 

“Oh Matt.” He removed his coat and walked forward. I felt his arms wrap around my tiny body as I took a shaky breath. “I’m sorry, love. It was still light out so I took Soldier to the park to let him run for a few minutes. I should’ve told you, I’m so sorry.”

 

“I thought...”

 

“Oh my God, Matt, no!” Dom shushed me, giving my shaking back long strokes. “I’m here, it’s okay.” I took a long breath, letting his words and presence rush over me, calming me. “Shall we eat dinner now? It’ll help you take your mind off of things.”

 

I nodded and shakily stood from the piano bench. “Do you want salt for your potatoes?” I asked quietly as I sat down.

 

“Yes please.”

 

We ate in silence for a few minutes before Dom pushed the envelope to the center of the table between us. I wordlessly took the envelope, breaking it open. The contents were emptied on the table, and I shuffled the papers around. I was holding my breath and Dom was peering over my shoulder. I half wanted to shield him from the papers, read them to myself first, but I reluctantly kept them in his sight. Together, we read over the pages.

 

“Oh thank Christ,” Dom whispered.

 

It was just a newsletter. There was no picture of a rapist, no message saying Dom was needed for another statement, no impending court dates  - just a newsletter. “Fucking hell,” I gasped, breathing a huge sigh of relief. I turned to look at Dominic, and brought his lips in for a kiss. “Christ, I was so nervous.”

 

“God, me too.” Dom sat back down at the other end of the table to finish his food and I quickly made my way through the post, sorting the important from the unimportant. I cleared our dishes and wiped down the table. “My heart is still pounding a bit,” Dom said with a laugh. “I didn’t realize how worried I was to open that.”

 

I smiled and hugged him tightly. “Just think of how paranoid we’re going to be when our test results come in.”

 

Dom groaned. “Don’t remind me.”

 

I laughed, giving him a kiss. “Want to watch a film tonight?”

 

“Mmm.” I felt his hand travel my back. “Sounds perfect.”

 

~

 

An hour and a half later we found ourselves snogging on the sofa with The Breakfast Club playing on the telly screen - completely forgotten - and a half empty bottle of wine with two glasses sitting on the coffee table. I was pinned between Dom’s body and the sofa cushions, my hands twisting in Dom’s blonde hair. My shirt was being ripped open, and I gasped as I heard the buttons clatter to the floor.

 

“I hope you didn’t like that shirt,” Dom gasped, attacking my neck with his mouth. I moaned an incoherent answer and bucked my hips up, my cock already straining against the fabric of my trousers.

 

“Dom,” I whined. “Dom.” I tried to pull him down closer to me, the small sofa making it awkward to move. “P-p-please. Touch me, Dom.”

 

I grasped his arms, trying to maintain reality as our tongues touched and he brought his hand between us. “Like this?” he teased, just brushing against the bulging front of my trousers.

 

“Yes. Please,” I begged.

 

“So hot when you beg,” Dom moaned under his breath, his hands already undoing the zip on my trousers. The second I felt his hand wrap around my hard length, my bottoms tossed to the floor, I screamed, the senses completely overwhelming me.

 

He stroked me hard for a few minutes, and as soon as I felt my orgasm nearing, he removed his hand completely.

 

“Dom!” I gasped, my body on edge and tears spilling from my eyes from how close I was.

 

“One second, love.” I watched him with alert eyes as he removed his trousers and boxers. “I want to come with you.”

 

He leaned back down over me and ground down hard, our bare cocks brushing. We simultaneously gasped and he began sucking my lips again. My legs wrapped around his waist, bringing him closer to me. We moved together, as one, our hips snapping back and forth. The pure friction of our two bodies was enough to stimulate us both, our hands free to roam over each others.

 

“God, Matt,” groaned Dom, my lips being snagged between his teeth. I felt myself losing control as I sought more contact every second even though it was completely impossible, our bodies practically glued together by a very thin sheen of sweat.

 

“So close, Dom,” I moaned into the blonde’s sweaty neck, his hips and my hips trapping our cocks and stimulating to near completion.

 

Dom’s eyes were wide open, and I could feel his stare into mine, penetrating the deep pools of blue that I just knew were heavily dilated. “Come for me, baby.”

 

His tongue locked with mine, and I moaned loudly as our hips and cocks met one last time. We both came hard between our two bodies, at the same time. I was held against his chest, the sweat from his nipples finding my tongue as I sucked any skin I could get my mouth on. I was whining the entire time, my throat beginning to feel raw as I was shaken out of orgasm. I could feel his come on my chest and stomach, warm against my already sizzling skin.

 

Dom’s arms buckled and he fell on top of me, his lips meeting my forehead. “God, I love you.”

 

“Fuck,” I managed to say, looking between us at our intertwined legs, come splattered bellies, and spent cocks. I drew my finger through the grooves of his back, finding the sweat that had gathered there. “I love you so much,” I gasped, shivering as a chill ran through my body.

 

“There’s no way I can make it upstairs,” he said softly, his body like lead on top of mine. “Can we just stay here?”

 

“Mhm,” I mumbled, pulling him closer to me.

 

I shut my eyes, not wanting to sleep yet but needing to rest them. Dom’s head was resting on my chest, our breathing slowing down to a more regular rhythm.

 

“It was so amazing to feel your body beneath mine like that,” he said softly. “That’s how I want to do it the first time. I want to see every expression you make, hear every noise you make when I’m inside you for the first time.”

 

“Dom,” I mumbled. “You’re going to make me hard again.”

 

“And then I’m going to kiss you so much, Matt. I’m going to kiss you more than you’ve ever been kissed before and I’m going to tell you over and over again how much I love you. And then I’m going to come inside you and it’s going to be perfect.”

 

I sighed happily, imagining our future in my mind, of sticky bed sheets and tired limbs. “I’m so in love with you,” I told him, stroking his sweaty blonde hair from off his forehead. He turned to look at me, grey eyes shining beautifully in the dim light of the room.

 

“I wish you could see yourself right now,” he whispered, touching my collar bone. “So sweaty, bright blue eyes, translucent pale skin, beautiful.”

 

“Dom.”

 

“Matt?”

 

“Mmm,” I mumbled. “Dom. I love you.”

 

“I love you too.”

 

“My beautiful.”

 

~

 

I awoke the next morning naked on the sofa, a head of blonde hair hitting me in the face. I smiled lazily to myself, smelling the scent of us mixing in the room. At some point in the night, Soldier had decided there was room for one more, and was sleeping at the foot of the sofa, unphased by the two men who were naked and occupying the other end.

 

I stretched, moving Dom so that I wouldn’t wake him up, and grabbed my boxers from the floor and slipped them on. I shivered against the cold draft and looked sadly down at my ripped shirt, the buttons scattered all about and under the sofa. I eyed Dom’s grey tee shirt and slipped it on, ignoring the fact that my chest was still sticky with come; it was huge against my small frame, slipping off my shoulders and reaching almost to the edge of my boxers, and offered little warmth. Still, I liked it. It smelled like him, his scent, and when I wore it, it made me feel like I belonged to him.

 

I stood to make tea for us and popped two pieces of toast into the toaster. I smiled at the feeling of Dom’s arms wrapping around my waist and soft lips pressing into the back of my neck just below the hairline.

 

“Morning.”

 

“Good morning to you,” I giggled, turning around and capturing his lips.

 

“You look beautiful, you know that?”

 

I blushed, covering my mouth to try and trap the second escaped giggle.

 

“Your hair all dishevelled, bright blue eyes, wearing my tee shirt...”

 

“I was cold!” I said, defending myself.

 

“I’m not complaining. Looks adorable on you.”

 

I pouted. “32 year old men aren’t adorable, Dominic.”

 

“There are exceptions for everything,” he noted, stroking my hand softly. The toast popped up and we both jumped then laughed at ourselves before preparing for the day ahead. I only had a few lessons to teach, and didn’t have to go in until mid-afternoon.

 

We ate breakfast together, cuddled a bit more, took a shower together, got dressed, took Soldier for a walk, and then got lunch at a small deli before I had to leave for work. I checked the post once before leaving, just in case, but frowned to see that nothing had arrived.

 

As I drove off to the studio, a feeling of calm settled in me. Little did I know, it was simply the calm before the storm; the next Wednesday, as I pulled the car up to the house and got out, saying hello to Soldier on my way in, once again I found Dom sitting at the kitchen table, staring at the post.

 

“Dom?” I asked quietly, nervously.

 

He didn’t look at me. He didn’t take his eyes off the sealed envelope when he spoke. “The results are here.”


	22. Chapter 22

My hands trembled as I sat down, my heart stuck in my throat.

 

“Dom,” I whispered, moving forward to lightly caress his cheek. I brought a chair next to him, turning his face to look at him. “Love, look at me.”

 

Dom squeezed his eyes shut, tears trickling from the corners, and I quickly kissed them away. “What if I have something?” The question was intended to be rhetorical, just a hypothetical thought, that dreaded what if. I breathed deeply, removing the envelope addressed to the both of us from Dom’s hand, and placed it on the table.

 

“Let’s not think about that, okay? Come here.” I wrapped my arms around him and attempted to lift him into my lap. It was a struggle, resulting in awkward limbs and a knee bumped into the table, but we managed. It had been so long since I’d held him. I had fallen so quickly into the role of the submissive that I’d completely forgotten that it was still okay for me to comfort, to hold. I pulled Dom’s head into my shoulder, gently stroking the back of his neck. “Shhh. I’ll love you no matter what,” I whispered, kissing the top of his head over and over again.

 

He looked up at me, soft grey eyes that reminded me of the day I found him, so small and weak. I smiled, stroking his chin, the stubble that reminded me of the man he was now, strong and independent. We sat steady for a few minutes as I held him, contemplating what exactly was going to happen when we opened up the envelope. I was so nervous, and part of me - though I hated to admit it - wished there would be something minor, something easily able to be fixed, just so I could have a bit more time to prepare for what was to come in the future. I had to go with my gut though; I had to trust Dom. I had to let myself know that I could trust Dom. Though still fragile at the skin, he was so strong on the inside. I just had to let him show me that.

 

“Let’s open it.”

 

He nodded, taking a shaky breath then picking up the envelope from where’d I’d placed it on the table. Together, our fingers almost completely mirroring each other, we ripped it open. Just before unfolding the papers, Dom spoke. “I want you to know that whatever these papers contain, I will always love you more than I can even comprehend or fathom, and that I will do anything in my will to keep you safe when we make love together for the first time.”

 

I choked back tears, grasping his hand and nodding slowly as we shared one last kiss, before simultaneously flipping the page over and reading the writing.

 

Heavy breathing filled the silent room; even Soldier was quiet, seemingly aware of the tension and what this information meant for us. I took a deep gulp of air as I read the words we’d been waiting to hear for over a week. I quickly lifted my hand to my face, attempting to stop the tears before Dom saw them, but with a look to my side I saw that he was crying too. We stayed silent for a minute, both of us rereading the results over and over again. I finally took a deep breath, turning to finally look at him directly.

 

In a clash of love, our eyes met, bursts of grey and blue colliding somewhere between us. He was expressionless, as was I, our eyes doing all the talking. We stared and stared, drinking in each others’ features, studying lines that we’d already put to memory months ago. I focused on the soft curves of his face, meeting somewhere in the middle to form what was, in my opinion, the most beautiful human form that had ever been created. I watched his eyes brighten slowly, and I finally stood, tossing the paper to the table.

 

Dom blinked once, and allowed my hands to meet his cheekbones as I leaned in very slowly to whisper words into his ear I never thought I’d hear myself say out loud. “Make love to me.”

 

A single tear fell from my eye, and then we were kissing. We were kissing so softly, as Dom stood up, as his arms wrapped around my waist. Everything at that moment was so real, the way we moved slowly down the hall and to the foot of the stairs and the way I felt so soft in his arms, protected.

 

I could feel my heart pounding rhythmically against my chest as we started our ascent upstairs, lip locked the entire time. Dom was nearly lifting me off my feet, my hands twisting in his hair and running lovingly down the sides of his face. I held onto his shoulders tight as he lifted me onto the bed, our chests already heaving slightly.

 

Dom’s lips were so soft - taking the words that described all my emotions from my mouth with the fine work of them - moving against me. Everything was just happening; we hadn’t spoken since my last sentence. It was like we knew exactly what to do, our bodies programmed from birth just for that exact moment. The hand on my belt was perfect, the fingers against my cheekbone exactly where they were meant to be. Two pairs of lips were moving simultaneously, perfectly in sync like a precisely rehearsed piano piece, prepared over and over again but only important in the one moment where it mattered the most.

 

“Matthew...” Dom’s first word since his announcement just before opening up the results. I gasped, tasting his lips and the tears that had trickled down the sides of his face. “Is this really it?”

 

I nodded, blinking back tears. “This is it,” I whispered.

 

“Okay.” He nodded, taking a deep breath. His eyes scanned me; I felt him looking over every curve of my body, the plain jeans and button up shirt I had worn to work suddenly becoming the last pieces of clothing I would ever wear as a virgin. More tears fell down his face, but he was smiling as he choked back the sobs. “I just love you so much.”

 

I brought him back down to me, held his hand over my heart so he could feel for himself just how quickly it was pounding against my chest. “Do you feel how happy you make me?” I asked him, and he nodded as he kissed me again, his hands finally, finally unzipping my trousers.

 

“I need to feel you.”

 

“You can feel me, please, tonight and every night for the rest of our lives.”

 

“Okay.” His voice was soft and whispered as I watched him touch me, my bare thighs fluttering underneath his fingers. He reached the hem of my boxers, toying with the fabric slightly. “Matt,” he said lowly. “Please, tell me to stop if it’s too much. Please.” The words were choked out, sadness and emotion clouding his grey eyes, and I touched his hand for reassurance.

 

“I will.”

 

“I don’t want to hurt you.”

 

“I know.”

 

He took a deep breath, as did I. Our palms met somewhere between our bodies, mirrored in their positions. I felt his left hand touching the waistband of my boxers, trying to pull at the elastic as we kissed softly again. I took my own shirt off, tossing it unceremoniously down to the carpet, then reached forward to grab his as well. We were both bare chested then, my boxers and Dom’s trousers the only thing between our skin. “I feel like this is my first time,” he suddenly whispered after tracing a vein on my wrist for a few prolonged seconds. I remained silent, shutting my eyes and feeling him run over my body. “I’m so nervous,” I heard him mumble, a hand coming between the material of my boxers and my hardening cock.

 

“Dominic,” I said under a slight moan. His hand moved slowly, pushing back the fabric and revealing me more and more every second. “God that feels good,” I groaned when I was finally free from the boxers. We were going almost painfully slow, everything only a soft touch, but I couldn’t imagine it any other way. My own hands were removing Dom’s trousers and boxers, and we both sighed in content at the revealment of his long, thin legs and his straining cock. I reached out tentatively, touching the head and swirling a bit of precome around on my fingers before dabbing them quickly into my mouth. He moaned, gripping me a bit harder.

 

“You see me?” he asked, pointing to his erection. “You’re doing this to me, love.”

 

I smiled, biting my bottom lip shyly. “You’re beautiful like that,” I whispered as I watched him sit softly on my thighs, lazily stroking his cock and mine at the same time. “So fucking beautiful.”

 

We kissed, our tongues sliding against one another, and I moaned loudly into his lips as I felt a finger dip past my cock, pushing gently. I brought my arms forward, locking my hands around Dom’s neck so that I could sit up a bit more.

 

“Matt?” Dom asked after massaging the muscles just surrounding my opening for a bit.

 

“Yeah?” I breathed, shutting my eyes and inhaling deeply.

 

“Can you - oh shit, you’re gorgeous.” We kissed again, deeper and more wanting than before, and when he pulled back our lips popped and he was panting. “Can you get the lube from the drawer in the side of the table?”

 

I nodded and reached to the side blindly. I fondled the handle on the drawer until my hands sought out the small bottle. I tossed it to the side of the bed; we were taking things very slow, still in a romantic waltz of foreplay and loving strokes to each others’ bodies. I felt a teasing touch to one of my nipples, and I smiled at the shy expression playing on Dom’s full lips.

 

“You comfortable?” he asked.

 

“Mmm, very.”

 

I was more than comfortable - I was teetering on the edge between heaven and bliss. I felt like at any second, an angel was going to come down and bath us both in sunlight and gold as we intimately touched and felt. I swore I felt his fingers leaving trails of fire, my skin burning and tingling with pleasure everywhere he touched. His mouth was magic against my lips and my tongue, his hand a gateway to extreme senses as he slowly stroked my hard cock and lightly fingered beneath me. I took a shuddery breath as he uncapped the bottle of lube and squirted some onto his fingers.

 

“At any point, tell me to stop if you need me to,” he whispered quietly. I nodded and leaned back a bit onto the bed, stretching my legs apart so that we could be closer together. He gently pushed a finger inside of me, and I moaned with content. My breathing was increasing and I could feel the slight pain of my stretched muscles, immediately replaced with promising pleasure as Dom began to slowly thrust his finger. I grabbed the bed sheets and arched my back as I felt his fingers inside of me, reaching to new depths. “You feel so good, love.”

 

I moaned in response, throwing my head back as he added his second finger and began to thrust harder and deeper. “Fuck, that feels good.” Dom hummed, leaning forward and over me as I tried to lift my hips up and down onto his fingers.

 

“Slow down,” he giggled, kissing me on the nose as I felt my whole body heating up. The hand on my cock had slowed and was then tracing circles across my pale stomach, over the tattoo on my ribs. “We don’t need to rush.”

 

“Want to feel you,” I mumbled, shutting my eyes and letting his lips roam my face again.

 

“You will soon, love.”

 

I tried to calm myself down; we had all evening, all night, the rest of our lives, to make love. The first time had to be perfect, emotional, intimate, and romantic. I laid down on the bed and let him do his work, slowly pumping my cock and moving his fingers in and out of my body. The buzzes of pleasure it left were filling, leaving me wanting more and more, but not so much that I was begging to be let go and released.

 

After a while of fingering, soft touches and kisses, I was thoroughly stretched. I watched through glazed eyes as Dom removed his fingers and coated them with more lube. My heart pounded as Dom’s tongue found my lips and his hand wrapped around his own cock, stroking it back to full hardness.

 

I let out a deep breath and looked intently into Dom’s eyes. This was the moment, our moment. The spotlight was all on us as Dom asked me one last time if I was ready. Through shaky breaths and emotional tears, I nodded, placing my hand on his heart as he scooted closer to me. Thump thump. The pounding was consistent and thunderous, and I swear it increased by a hundred as he kissed me once on the lips, then guided his cock to my opening.

 

I shuddered as he just barely pushed in. The emotions overtook me and I immediately choked out a sob. So many things were happening at once: Dom’s hands in my hair, Dom’s lips against my skin, Dom’s words whispered softly between us, Dom’s cock pulsing inside of me.

 

We rocked back and forth as my shoulders shook and he gradually pushed all the way in. I was stretched so far, kissing Dom so hard.

 

“Matthew,” he said soothingly, wiping the tears from my cheeks, even though he was crying just the same. “Oh God.”

 

I gasped and pulled him down, crashing our lips together. Dom’s hips moved and it hit me that this was it; we were making love, finally. I tasted him on the tip of my tongue and tried to relax all my muscles. Dom shifted his hips once, just a bit, and the small little burst of pain that had been there when he pushed in was completely gone, replaced with raw pleasure.

 

“I love you,” I whispered, clenching my teeth and moaning as he thrusted up.

 

His hips stilled and I opened my eyes, staring into solid pools of grey as he spoke. “Matt, if I keep going, I don’t know if I will be able to stop.” His hand stroked my cock once and I shivered.

 

“I’m ready Dom. I want you to give me everything.”

 

“Okay.” He swallowed nervously and let his hips pick up a bit more rhythm. “I don’t want to hurt you, I want to be able to stop if I have to.”

 

“You won’t need to stop, ever,” I gasped.

 

He shook his head in agreement, and we were silent after that. Silent and hot. Dom’s hips found a rhythm, one we were both comfortable with and I watched with heavy eyes as his body slapped against mine. I moaned and mewled, his cock hitting me in just the right spot every few thrusts. I finally gained the comfort to begin lifting my hips up every time to meet his, and the sound of our skin hitting made me buzz.

 

I was finally feeling Dom. He was inside of me, pleasuring me, kissing me, giving himself for me. I felt every twitch, every change of motion, every thrust of his hips, and it was incredible. I wanted to scream out into the world that I was the happiest man alive, but I could not, for Dom’s lips were attached to my sizzling skin. He was slow, so gentle, and it was every bit of romance I could ever have wished for for my first time.

 

And then I realized what it was for him as well: his first time since he’d been raped. As I let his hips pound into me, his cock slide against my tight walls, I couldn’t imagine it any other way. Dom had been so careful, had taken extra time to prepare me, and it was a good thing he had. It was a lot to take into your body at once, and I thought about the physical pain that Dom must have endured when it had happened to him, non consensually. I pictured skin stretching beyond its limit, blood trickling down Dom’s thighs as he screamed at his attacker to stop.

 

I had to stop myself from thinking that, because that was over. I focused on Dom, in that moment. I looked between our bodies and gasped at the sight of him entering me. I could feel myself go light headed for a brief second, but Dom’s hand on my cheekbone brought me back to full alertness. I didn’t know where to put my hands, finally placing them on Dom’s back, which was already slick with sweat. I didn’t want to see myself, knowing my brown hair was probably stuck to my forehead and that my cheeks had turned a pale color of pink.

 

But Dom. Dom looked so fucking gorgeous, my beautiful blonde angel - the love of my life. His skin simply shimmered, like he’d been dipped in water and gold. His light hair stuck up straight, his fringe pushed off his forehead to make his marvelous grey eyes stand out even more.

 

He was surprisingly quiet, or maybe that was just because it was our first time. The only noises he made were soft grunts and moans, the occasional “I love you” just barely whispered beneath his breath. I returned the statement every time, fisting my fingers into his hair and saying the words into his mouth.

 

I felt a hand wrap around my cock, which was already leaking precome. I gasped as his fingers circled the head, dipping into the slit. He jerked his hips down, hitting my prostate hard for the first time, and I let out a scream. I shocked myself with my vocality, but Dom seemed to appreciate it, groaning and snapping his hips down again. My small body shook every time from the power of Dom on top of me; his experience stunned me, the way he could cause a whole other reaction from me just by barely moving his hips. I was out of breath as I tried to keep up, gasping for air but enjoying the rolls of pleasure at the same time.

 

Dom noticed, and immediately slowed down his thrusts. My heart pounded and I shut my eyes for a brief second before they flew back open as the feeling of emptiness jolted through my body. I looked at Dom, stunned at him for pulling out, before he pushed all the way in again, hitting my prostate again. I cried out and felt my vocal cords go raw as he attacked my lips and stroked my cock harder and faster.

 

“Dom,” I gasped, my hips involuntarily jerking upward, trying to find Dom’s cock and force him further inside of me.

 

“I’m close love,” he said.

 

“Me too.”

 

“Want to... Ungh... Want to come with you.” His head fell to my chest and I watched over his back at his bum, mesmerized by the fluttering of muscles as his hips thrusted into me.

 

“Go harder,” I whispered on the end of a cry as my prostate was hit again. “Want to feel you for days.”

 

Dom nodded, sweat running down the sides of his forehead. He picked up the pace, back to the tempo that had left me gasping for breath minutes earlier. “God you feel so fucking perfect.” His voice was raw and primal, leaving a strange yet appealing feeling on my skin and in my bones. His hand on my cock stroked harder, faster, and I felt myself getting close.

 

“Dom,” I choked out, the tears starting up again.

 

“I’m right with you.”

 

“I’m, oh shit,” I gasped. My orgasm was boiling, starting inside my core and just waiting to be released whenever Dom was ready. “Dom, I think I’m gonna come.” The last word was screamed, because Dom’s thrusts became even faster than before. He moved in almost a blur, perfectly sliding inside me to the point where I never wanted it to end, though I knew it couldn't last for much longer than a few minutes.

 

“Wait for me, love, I’m almost there.”

 

I nodded, unable to form words as Dom repetitively pounded into my prostate. The hand on my cock slowed down a bit, but my erection was then pressed between our two bellies as Dom leaned practically on top of me, his arms atop my shoulders and his hands and fingers running through my hair, pulling at the strands.

 

There were a few more thrusts, all a blur because I was so focused on waiting for Dom, willing myself not to let go just yet. I could tell Dom’s orgasm was there then, because he stopped groaning. His jaw popped open and his eyes shut, squeezing tightly as his lips met mine. His hips slowed and his hand gave one big, long stroke to my cock.

 

I screamed when I came. Dom’s hips rocked back one last time, my prostate was hit one last time, my cock was stroked one last time, and then we were both coming together. I shot hard between us, painting our stomachs and the twisted bed sheets as I cried out, tears streaming from my eyes at the pure pleasure and emotions that were rocketing through my body at hyper speeds. I felt Dom coming inside me, his hot heat dispersing itself in my body.

 

The sensation was enthralling, giving me a feeling I could never be able to put into words. Sticky, salty tears were between us as our lips met and our bodies, slick with sweat, collapsed together. I let the power of orgasm shoot through me, overtake me. Dom’s was over fast, but his hips continued to give small thrusts into me. I couldn’t take it anymore, and I let myself go.

 

As tears flowed down my face, a never ending river of emotions and passion, I let Dom kiss me for seconds, which led to minutes. He stayed inside of me; I never wanted the feeling of being completely filled to ever go away. I never wanted the sensation to leave me. I heard Dom crying, little sniffles of raw emotion carrying us both away from the situation we had met under and bringing us right to where we were: entangled in sticky bed sheets after making love for the first time together.

 

“Matt?” I finally heard his voice, clear for the first time since we’d started.

 

“Yes?” I panted quietly, opening up my eyes to see shades of grey staring into mine.

 

“Thank you.” His head fell into the crook of my neck and I felt tears dripping onto my bare skin. I wrapped an arm around his shaking shoulders and kissed beneath his ear.

 

“I love you.”

 

“I love you too.” He looked up, splotchy face and clumped together eyelashes, but still as stunning as ever. “You’re so sweaty.”

 

“Fantastic,” I giggled, breathless still.

 

“I can’t believe we just... I never thought...”

 

I silenced him, kissing him softly on the lips and holding his eyes steady with my own. “Shhh, it’s okay,” I whispered, stroking the sides of his sweaty and tear stained face.

 

“That was the most beautiful experience of my life,” he said softly, his chest rising and falling on top of mine. I reached forward, sitting up so that I could pull him into my arms. My body clenched briefly as he pulled out, unfamiliar with the empty feeling. I stretched my legs out a bit to loosen the muscles again after being wrapped tightly around Dom’s body. I groaned, already feeling the kink in my back, but it was a million times worth it.

 

“You comfortable?” I asked as I reached out to hold his hand. He nodded. We were facing each other on our sides with our legs intertwined between us, our stomachs and hands cleaned off, and smiles pasted on both our faces. I couldn’t help but grin in our current situation, holding his hand, listening to his steady breathing. I opened up the bedroom window, hearing the business of mid evening London spurring about in the distance and the quiet birds chirping in the small trees. A slight breeze came in, giving us shivers, and therefore a reason to pull the duvet up and over our exhausted bodies. “I love you,” I whispered again.

 

He blinked, one tear leaving his eye. “I love you too,” he choked out. I pulled him as close as I could, kissing his forehead and his lips as I softly stroked his back. I was weak with exhaustion but strong and powerful with love as I held him until he fell asleep. I reached over to my mobile, set an alarm for two hours, and shut my eyes, knowing and remembering there was single piece of paper sitting on the table downstairs that read two very important messages.

 

Matthew Bellamy: clean.

Dominic Howard: clean.

  
I forced my sleepy eyes to not cry. “Beautiful Dominic,” I whispered one last time before slipping into a deep, well-earned sleep, nothing but birds, wind, and Dom’s heartbeat luring me to unconsciousness.


	23. Chapter 23

A soft growling of my stomach was what woke me up. I slowly let my eyes flutter open, taking in the sleeping form next to me. The light hair on his back was stood up against the cool chill that was blowing in the room from the open window. His skin, his breath, his being, all sending comfort down to the pit of my stomach. I let my fingers trail over the dips and grooves of his back, his eyes blinking open to look at me.

 

“Mrmph,” he mumbled into the pillow, wiggling closer. I gently shut my eyes again, feeling his warm body snuggling up against mine. I sighed with content, nestling into him closely.

 

“You want to get up?” I whispered, still softly touching the grooves of his back. I heard some  mumbling, which I assumed meant he didn’t want to leave our bed. I didn’t blame him. We were warm and happy, content to just stay like that for the rest of our lives. We’d kicked our boxers off at some point in the night, our mixing body heat more than enough to keep us warm in our bed. I rested my head back on the pillow, preparing myself to sleep just a bit more. Dinner could wait.

 

Dom’s head turned as we both heard a slight bump from the corner of the room, then the click of paws as Soldier trotted inside. A smile spread across Dom’s face, although his eyes were still closed as Soldier hopped up onto our bed, acting like he was the king and that we were invading his throne.

 

“I think the royalty wants his evening walk,” I giggled, stroking Dom’s arm and laughing as Soldier’s ears perked up at the word “walk”. He inched forward, trying to get under the duvet and between our bare bodies. Dom shrieked as Soldier’s wet nose came into contact with his bare hip, his eyes shooting open and his body sitting up suddenly.

 

“Fuck that’s cold!” he shouted, trying to wiggle away from the dog. I giggled, a smile spreading across my face until it turned to shock as Soldier’s nose met my thigh. I shouted and sat straight up while Dom giggled loudly.

 

“Shit,” I yelped, grabbing onto Dom as Soldier looked at the two of us with his head cocked to one side. He pawed at the lump of my knee underneath the duvet, and I automatically pulled the blanket higher.

 

“Matt,” Dom whispered. “Are you really covering yourself up from the dog?”

 

I blushed, my face heating up immensely as the the realization hit. “Maybe,” I said, laughing at myself and loosening my grip on the duvet. Soldier wiggled forward, pulling the duvet down with him and curling up between our now bare thighs. I leaned against Dom’s shoulder, throwing an arm across our bodies as we watched Soldier in silence. He stared at us intently with big brown eyes, and I felt almost pinned down by him.

 

“I feel like he’s watching my every move,” I whispered to Dom.

 

He giggled and faced me adoringly. “I don’t blame him.”

 

I found my lips touching his again, and then I remembered. I remembered our touches, our whispers, our tears. Everything about him was enthralling, giving me everything I would ever need in my life. Dom was my support, my drug, my life. It was impossible for me to imagine anything without him, especially just a few hours after the most emotional and important moment of my life.

 

In our time together, since the very beginning, I’d memorized everything about Dom, from his soft, almost feminine scent, to the way his blonde hair just barely curled over his too large ears whenever he let it grow a bit long. He’d done the same thing for me, memorizing the way I like my tea within the first few weeks of living together, to the way I always wear socks to sleep. Our life was so simple living together, but our love was the strongest I felt it could ever be.

 

As we kissed softly that evening, I let my mind wander to something that had always bothered me: cheating. I couldn’t imagine kissing any lips but his, touching any arm but his. I thought about the way I never questioned his loyalty, even as he sometimes went off with Tom for hours with only text message for communication between us. I never had to worry for either of us, because I couldn’t see him with any other man but me.

 

The thought was just strange. Maybe it was a sign to me, that I was beginning to think too much of myself. I couldn’t help it if it was true though. I associated myself with Dominic, and Dominic with myself. Everywhere I went, he went. I was no longer just Matthew. I had a partner, a person I was hand in hand with at every doorstep, walking down the street, picking up food for dinner.

 

With his lips on mine I couldn’t imagine it being anyone else. It was impossible for me to even attempt to conjure up the image of another person. I never wanted to kiss anyone else, touch anyone else, or make love to anyone else. It was always going to be him.

 

“I love you,” I whispered, tasting his breath on my lips. “I love you so much.” My last two words were barely said as I stared at him, drinking him in with my eyes alone. My thoughts were turned to mush as he softly grazed my cheekbone with his finger, pulling my head into the spot where his shoulder met his neck. I breathed in his scent and smiled as we sat there, Soldier watching us both. I placed a few gentle kisses to his collarbone and neck, then his lips again. After our night, he deserved to be given kisses for the rest of his life, if it was up to me. Our stomachs, however, thought otherwise.

 

“I think,” Dom said, kissing my forehead. “That you should take Soldier for a walk, and I should cook dinner for you.”

 

I pouted at the blonde, fingering over the scar on his ribs and thinking to myself. “I want to be with you all of tonight,” I said. He smiled at that. “And I also don’t know if I should leave you alone in the house to cook,” I added with a smirk. He gave me a mock glare, and I laughed whole-heartedly before giving him another kiss. “I love you.”

 

“I love you too.”

 

Soldier barked. Maybe it was his way of saying he loved Dom too. Or that he really wanted his nightly walk. Probably the latter.

 

We slowly got dressed, remaining silent for the most part except for the occasional laugh as Soldier ran around the bedroom excitedly, wagging his tail like there was no tomorrow. There really was no need to talk at that moment, because there was nothing we needed to talk about. Nothing was important enough to take our mind off the amazing thing that had transpired merely hours before; the topic was still flustering to think about.

 

As I grabbed Soldier’s lead and the keys, I suddenly turned to Dom and broke the comfortable silence we’d been moving in in the last thirty or so minutes. “We had sex,” I whispered, staring at Dom with wide eyes.

 

He smiled. “We did.”

 

I took a deep breath, pulling him close into my arms. I just had to hold him, smell him, feel him, hear him.

 

“I was inside of you, Matthew,” he said softly, nuzzling against my chest. “I was inside of you and it was incredible.”

 

“Was I... Okay?” I asked, suddenly doubting myself and my abilities in the bedroom. I hadn’t thought about it at the time; we were so lost in passion and love that I hadn’t even had the chance to really think about it. Was the sex good for Dom, or just me?

 

“Okay? Matt,” Dom breathed, looking at me with those gorgeous eyes. “You were the best I could ever ask for.”

 

“Yeah but...” I sighed, hooking Soldier’s lead to his collar. “It was my first time and I-”

 

“Shh.” Dom’s finger came into contact with my lips and I shut my mouth. He pressed gently, then removed his finger. “Matthew, you were perfect. You need to stop being so self-conscious all the time.”

 

I shrugged my shoulders and gave him a slight grin. “Can’t help it sometimes.”

 

He smiled softly, giving my cheek a quick peck then taking Soldier’s lead from my hand. “I love you. You’re my partner, and I love you. You’re going to have to get used to the compliments, yeah?”

 

“I guess.”

 

He gave me a small smile, shaking his head and looking at me with his beautiful grey eyes before taking my hand in his.

 

“Stubborn,” he said, leaning in close.

 

“Flatterer,” I whispered, pressing my forehead into his.

 

“I love you.”

 

We kissed softly again, then finally made to leave for Soldier's walk.

 

~

 

“Do you ever feel like you're living in a fairy tale?”

 

“Hmm?” I turned to Dominic, tightening my hold on Soldier's lead so he wouldn't run off to chase the alley cat across the street.

 

“This,” he said, gesturing between us. “I mean, how the hell did I end up with a brilliant man like you?”

 

I linked my fingers with his and threw my head back for a laugh as he looked at me, a smile on his face. “I really don’t know,” I said softly, squeezing his hand tightly. “I don’t know if you’d call it luck, necessarily...”

 

“More like good timing.”

 

“Mmm,” I hummed in agreement. “Very good timing.”

 

“I’ve kind of, stopped thinking about it. The rape.”

 

“Really?” I asked, giving a little yank on Soldier’s lead to indicate him to turn. We were heading toward a little takeaway cart to pick up some dinner.

 

“Yeah. Not in, like, a memory blocking way. More like where I have so many better things to think about now.” He lowered his voice a bit, though we were pretty much alone on the quiet street. “And now I have you and we had sex and everything was perfect and-”

 

“-And you have something other than the rape to base sex off of now,” I finished for him.

 

“Exactly,” he said softly, grinning up at me. “I no longer have to be reminded of it every time I even think about anything sexual. Because now, the last time I did it was with you and...” His sentence trailed off, I blushed, and he looked up into the darkening London sky.

 

His profile glowed against the street lamps, illuminating his features and brightening his grey eyes. I suddenly just had to kiss him. I softly pressed my lips to his cheek, smiling as his eyes fluttered to look at me again.

 

“Hello there,” he giggled, kissing a spot just below my bottom lip, in the crook of my chin. “I'm sorry I kind of drifted off there. Should we get our food now?”

 

I nodded and whistled to Soldier to catch his attention. We walked to the cart, getting in the back of the small queue to order our food. I tightened my scarf against the slight wind that started to pick up, pulling Dom into me to trap our body heat. I wasn’t actually that cold; the weather was fairly warm for mid March. I just wanted Dom as close to me as possible, all the time. We bought our food - I made sure our hands were held together the whole time - then we made our way back home, winding through the streets. By the time we were at the house, Soldier had calmed down, and immediately hopped up on the sofa for a long nap. I set our food on the table while Dom opened up a bottle of wine, pouring two glasses for us.

 

“Love, can you get the forks?” I asked as I sat down at the table, pushing my laptop to the side.

 

“Only if I get a kiss.”

 

~

A single kiss turned into more. After taking a quick shower and letting Soldier out in the garden once more before bed, I somehow ended up as the little spoon, held close against Dom’s once again bare chest. I could still smell the scent of shampoo and body wash on him, his chin smooth from shaving against the back of my neck. I breathed in deeply, filling my lungs with the scent of him.

 

“Mmm, Dominic,” I mumbled, flipping around to kiss his neck. My heart fluttered and my groin tightened as he lightly touched my hipbone.

 

“I can feel that,” he whispered. His lips grazed the stubble on my chin and I shivered beneath the light touch. “You’re getting hard for me again, love.”

 

I moaned as his kisses turned heated once again, flashbacks of just hours before suddenly rushing to my head. It was late now; the shops were closed and our secluded street was empty. My body was ready to go again, to be filled with Dominic and to hear my name linger on his lips.

 

“Matthew, gorgeous,” he said on a breath, stroking down my ribs. “My beautiful...” A pull on my boxers. “My love...” A kiss on my belly. “My prince.”

 

“Prince?” I giggled, sitting up for a second to look at him. “Where’d that come from?”

 

Dom blushed, sliding back up my body to kiss my chest. I wouldn’t let him get away though, and I quickly pulled him further up.

 

“Dom,” I said. “Tell me.”

 

“No, it’s gay.”

 

I stared at him, his gaze unfaltering. “Five hours ago you slowly fucked me into this very mattress.” I pointed to the still balled up sheets around his waist. “It doesn’t get much gayer than that.”

 

He laughed softly, his eyes shutting for a brief second before opening up again. He blushed, which I rarely saw him do, then leaned down again. I felt his hardening cock against my thigh, but our arousal could wait.

 

“Tell me, Dominic.”

 

“Promise you won’t laugh?”

 

“How could I?”

 

I seemed to win with that, and I sat up, signalling for him to explain.

 

“When we first, er, properly met, at the hospital, it was very emotional for me.”

 

“Me too,” I whispered softly, stroking his hair and ignoring the slight tightness I felt in my crotch. I knew Dominic was about to say something important, and I didn’t want my excitement to get in the way of it.

 

“When you walked through that door and came over to me, it reminded me of when I was a teenager with Tom and I-” Dom took a shuddery breath. I could sense his emotions rising, and I softly kissed his cheek. “It was before all the real shit happened, we were just teenagers, you know?” I nodded. Dom shrugged and went on. “It was about six months after I officially came out. I never really found Tom attractive, I mean, he had Arianna, but anyway, we were on holiday to visit his cousin in Brighton. The weather was fucking nasty, but we went out to the sea the first night there anyway. We brought wellies and an umbrella and some cigarettes, you know, proper rainstorm shit. I ended up having a real heart to heart talk with Tom that night.”

 

“Yeah?” I asked, absorbing every word of Dom’s story.

 

He nodded, then continued. “We somehow got onto the topic of relationships and shit. We were still so young. His and Arianna’s relationship had just turned sexual - they waited until they felt like they were ready - and I was still discovering who I was after all the shit with my dad. We just kind of talked about it all, about who we wanted to be, what kind of person we wanted to end up with.” He smiled at me then looked back down between our bodies, toying with the bedsheets. “I basically told him everything, how my ideal partner would be someone to rescue me - physically and mentally - from everything I dealt with every day. I told him I wanted a prince, to save me.”

 

I gasped, watching as his lips turned up at the sides for a small smile again. He looked so innocent just then, like he was completely incapable of having so much power and dominance over me.

 

“You’re my prince, Matthew.”

 

I looked at him for what felt like hours on end after that moment. His soft face and steady breaths, complete honesty displaying itself in a way I thought impossible. His eyes were my window to his heart.

 

“You saved me and now you’ve let me into this life with you. And you’ve let me make love to you, which I never thought I would ever get to do with another person. And I-” Dom choked, the first tears making their way from his eye. “I love you Matt. I love you so fucking much and I swear I’m not sad right now I’m just so happy that you were here this whole time and you’re still here and I’m me and you’re you and I love you and you love me back and I just-”

 

I silenced his words, throwing my arms around his neck so I could reach up and kiss him as passionately as my lips allowed. I needed him. I needed him so much: his weight against me, his lips crashing into mine, his fingers in my hair, his cock inside of me, it didn’t matter. I just needed him. He became a part of my survival. Food, water, shelter, and Dom.

 

I hooked my legs around his hips, practically laying my body completely on top of his. My body was making involuntary movements, seeking any contact against him I could get. My boxers were slightly pulled down from earlier, my bum just barely peeking out from the top. I could feel Dom’s fingers make their way down my back, moving beneath my boxers and squeezing a bit. I moaned, sitting up a bit with Dom’s hands beneath me.

 

“Matt,” he breathed. “Do you want...?

 

“No,” I said, my voice hoarse. He looked at me, confused, but I ignored it. I moved down his body, making him remove his hands from my arse. I slowly pulled his boxers off his hips and down his legs, his cock standing tall, his thighs revealed more and more with each tug. I eyed his cock, and, taking a deep breath, reached down with my mouth and engulfed him.

 

“Holy shit!”

 

~

 

I took steady breaths. It was well past midnight and Dom was standing on the other side of the room, bare bum sticking out as he looked through the drawer for spare boxers. My eyes were heavy, my body like a rock after coming multiple times within the span of half a day. I could feel Dom’s smile from across the room as my eyelids started to shut. The bed dipped and arms wrapped around me.

  
“My beautiful prince,” Dom whispered. His words brushed just barely against my ear, and I sighed with content. My sleep was heavy and filled with dreams of Dom, and I couldn’t even be annoyed when the alarm buzzed us awake only six hours later. I had a new life, but even more, I saved a life.


	24. Chapter 24

Everything was falling into place. Dom and I went about our lives the way we normally would, though there was a little something extra between us. One Saturday we slept late and stayed in bed until early in the afternoon, only getting up for quick uses of the toilet. Dom drifted between asleep and awake, his head nestled in the crook of my underarm. My laptop was sitting off to my side, and I was using one hand to scroll through emails and check on the bills while Dom continued to sleep. My other hand was draped behind him, softly resting on his stomach.

 

Mindlessly, I logged onto my Facebook account, which I never used. With Dom’s steady breathing beside me, I scrolled through the newsfeed, only paying half attention to the irrelevant posts. I tried to remember the last time I was even on the website, and clicked on my profile. The profile picture was at least two years old, and the last time I posted a status had been in September, a good two months before Dominic came into my life and everything changed.

 

With a slight smile to myself, I changed my profile picture to a very recent one that Tom took of Dom and me. It had been a chaotic yet fun adult night at the Wolstenholmes with the kids staying with their aunt and uncle, and the photo represented that with Dom’s huge smile, my crooked collar, and our blushing cheeks from too much wine and too many kisses. I smiled at the memory, stroking down Dom’s ribs with my fingers while I continued to scroll through Facebook with my other hand. I found a few people I needed to add (Dom, of course, Tom, Arianna, Chris, Kelly, and Daniel), then signed out, shut my laptop, and snuggled back down into the sheets.

 

Dom hummed, his hips moving gently against my bum. I could feel his morning erection pressing slightly, and I turned around to give his lips a lazy kiss.

 

“Good morning, sleepy head,” I said with a grin.

 

He looked at me groggily, but gave me a small smile. “Morning.”

 

“You want breakfast, er...” I looked at my phone, telling me the time was past noon. “Or lunch?”

 

“Mmm, yeah, sounds great,” he said, his voice raspy with sleep.

 

I kissed his ear gently and pulled my boxers from the floor, slipping them on. “I’ll be downstairs. French toast is good, yeah?’’

 

“Perfect.”

 

I threw on one of his shirts and went downstairs to get our very late breakfast ready. When he came downstairs, two plates with French toast, strawberries, and two cups of tea were sitting on the table waiting for us.

 

“Fuck, I’m spoiled,” he giggled as he sat down, cutting into the first piece of toast.

 

“As am I,” I said with a shy smile, rubbing my foot on his bare calf as I sipped my tea. I noticed a shiver run through his body, and smiled as he seemed to remember the previous night.

 

“You sore at all?” he asked softly.

 

“A little,” I said with a nod. He frowned, but I was quick to assure him everything was okay. “It was amazing though. I...” I hesitated, but then I realized, this was Dom. There was no need to be embarrassed by anything I told him I liked or didn’t like. “I really liked that position.”

 

“Yeah? You liked me beneath you?”

 

I blushed but nodded, and a gaze of affection spread across his face.

 

“I liked you like that,” he said heavily. “You riding me like that, it felt fucking fantastic. It was so hot too.”

 

“It felt... Good.”

 

“Sex is supposed to feel good,” he said, kissing my cheek.

 

“I know that!” I exclaimed, rolling my eyes. “I just thought it would feel too, I don’t know...”

 

“Provocative? Dirty?” he asked.

 

I shrugged, not really knowing how to describe what I was feeling. The first few times we did it, it was sensual and romantic and slow. Dominic took his time, and the actual process of sex almost couldn’t even be described as having sex, but as making love - because that’s what it truly felt like.

 

Life went on, my confidence grew, and eventually it became more of what I defined as sex. Dom’s hips pounded into me harder, I moaned his name louder, we came faster, and we did it all again sooner. But, even as we became more and more comfortable with each other’s bodies, the sensitivity was never lost, nor the emotion. The same burst of love for him made my heart swell with emotions just as much as it did the first time.

 

Still, nothing would ever compare to the feeling I felt when Dom was inside of me for the first time. My body beneath his, the slow movement of his hips, that initial bit of pain, the awkward reasoning of what I should be doing with my own body - everything about our first time was a permanent, pleasurable memory in my mind.

 

“You’re getting hard,” Dom said, snapping me from my thoughts. He gave me a slight smirk, sliding his hand into my lap and cupping me through my boxers. I leaned back in the chair and moaned softly; I hadn’t realized how turned on I was getting just from thinking about sex. “Matthew,” he whispered when I let out a tiny whine. His food left abandoned on the table, his fingers ventured beneath the hem of his shirt, trailing up my stomach and ribs. “I love when you wear my clothes.”

 

“I love wearing your clothes,” I said softly.

 

“Clothes thief,” he giggled, kissing my cheek and running his finger down the length of my cock, still clothed by my boxers. “Not that I mind.”

 

I squirmed in my seat, seeking more contact from him and groaning when he gave it to me. Everything felt too hot and too tight at once and I needed to feel just his skin against my skin with nothing in between. I needed to wrap my legs around his skinny torso and moan his name over and over again.

 

“My prince,” he said, staring at me with his eyes. I could already see the sex dripping from them, his pupils dilated enough to show me just how much he wanted me. It was a strange feeling to be wanted that way, but one I was already beginning to like. “Upstairs?”

 

The question was breathy and with a quick glance I saw that Dominic was straining uncomfortably against the confinements of his own boxers.

 

“No.”

 

“No?”

 

“Here,” I said, grabbing his erection through his boxers and emitting a long, drawn out moan from his throat. “Take me on the sofa,” I whispered into his ear, already moving to get up from the table.

 

He stood up quickly, nearly knocking down his plate, and I giggled at his excitement. He blushed and I smiled at him like a lovesick fool, and suddenly we were brainwashed teenagers who only cared about sex, love, and each other. I only wanted him. I wanted him inside me, telling me he loved me, holding me, kissing me, caressing me. It was all him and nothing else.

 

“Now.”

 

We scrambled. We scrambled like two drunken men looking for a quick fuck in a pub toilet. Our clothes were strewn across the kitchen floor, a lamp was knocked over, and our lips crashed so violently I briefly worried one of us would accidentally draw blood. But oh, how wonderful it was to feel him lift me onto the sofa and put his fingers in my mouth. How perfect it was to suck on them and run my tongue over every digit until they were slick with my own saliva. How magical it was for him to thrust his fingers inside of me, almost sending me over the edge with bliss in that very second.

 

I moaned loudly as Dom added another finger.

 

“If you keep on moaning I’ll be coming any second,” Dom said, his breathing ragged. I opened my heavy lidded eyes, staring at him. His knee was just touching the side of my hipbone, his feet tucked beneath his bare bum. I stared at his cock with want, and he seemed to get the idea, pulling his fingers from me. “The lube is upstairs,” he said quickly.

 

“Do we need it?” I panted, touching my own nipple and gasping at the pleasure it sent throughout my whole body.

 

“Yes, I’ll be right back.”

 

I shook my head, watching him bound awkwardly up the stairs with his cock hard and ready. I almost called for him to forget it, to take me right there. But then I remembered the medical reports from what seemed like lifetimes ago, the torn tissue and blood from being taken harshly with no lubricant. I couldn’t fight him on that, there was no way. He was the experienced one and I had to let him show me that.

 

I took to stroking and teasing myself whilst I waited for Dominic, my middle finger just barely pushing against the muscles surrounding my opening. I gave small strokes to my cock, swirling the precome that gathered at the head along my shaft. It had been an awful long time since I’d pleasured myself with my own hand, and a strange sense of nostalgia washed over me. I was reminded of lonely days before Dominic, with quick wanks in the shower and nothing else. It never had any meaning before.

 

There was shuffling, and then the sound of something clattering to the ground. I looked up to see Dom staring wide eyed at me as I gripped my cock with one hand and barely penetrated myself with the fingers of my other hand. The bottle of lube had slipped from his hand as he walked in on me.

 

“Shit,” I hissed, removing my hands, but he immediately shook his head.

 

“Fuck, don’t you dare stop,” he said with a shake of his head, taking hold of his own cock.

 

I blushed, feeling as if I was caught red handed, but the expression on Dom’s face told me everything was okay.

 

“Keep touching yourself,” he commanded softly. I took a deep breath, swallowed my fear with a nod, and put my hand back on my cock. Our eyes were locked as I stroked myself slowly, taking my time. Dom was standing closer to me, his cock dripping with want. “Put your fingers inside yourself.”

 

I nodded, and slowly pushed my finger back in, moaning quietly to myself. “Fuck,” I breathed, my chest rising and falling rapidly. I was already sweaty and my body was already begging for release, my hand keeping me right on edge. I added my pointer finger and began to slowly stretch myself, a persistent yet pleasurable burn starting in my arse. “Dominic, need you,” I groaned as I gave short thrusts with my long fingers.

 

“I want to watch you.” I swallowed thickly at his words. I wanted him inside me so bad and I wanted to feel him come with my name on his lips, but I also wanted to please him. If he wanted to watch me, I would let him.

 

The idea of touching myself for someone else seemed a bit weird. But for Dom, I would do anything. I watched the way his eyes grew heavy as I stroked my hard cock and the little noises he made every time I would gasp as my fingers reached new depths. As I finally came, I tried so hard to keep my eyes open so I could witness him watching me, the hand on his own cock speeding up.

 

“Want you inside of me,” I gasped, my heart pounding and my cock spent, but my body still asking for more. He nodded silently, his expression seeming trance-like. He popped the cap on the lube open and squirted some onto his fingers. My chest was still rising and falling rapidly, and I was gasping for breath as I felt him put his fingers back inside me, sliding in easily.

 

“Matt,” he moaned, taking his cock in hand again. “Will you ride me again?” His words were strung together as he stroked himself with one hand and stretched me with the other.

 

I gathered up some of my energy and pushed him to lay down on the sofa with his cock sticking up, ready for me. Without saying anything, I put my hand on his cock and slowly pushed it into my body. I shifted my hips a bit - I was still inexperienced, and it was hard to get the right position right away - and we both gasped as he slid all the way into me.

 

“That’s it,” he said. “Good God Matthew.”

 

I experimented, giving a little bounce with my hips which elicited a moan from the both of us. I tried to remember things I had done the night before, when I had to get used to being on Dom’s cock from above. It was completely different, but something I thoroughly enjoyed. I began to slowly rock my hips, Dom’s cock hitting me in the prostate every few seconds from the different angle.

 

“Jesus, love, you’re hard again.”

 

“Fuck,” I whispered, taking my cock in my hand and putting my other hand in Dom’s hair. I felt his hand on my arse, rubbing the fleshy skin there as I ground my hips, forcing Dom’s cock further into my body. I felt... Dirty. I was moaning loudly, I was covered in sweat, and my hips were driving down so that I could feel Dom inside me more and more every time. I craved him so much.

 

We were both so close that everything was blurry. It was so different from the first time in that I didn’t want to wait; I just wanted to feel him coming inside me and I wanted to paint his chest with my come and fuck I wanted him so bad. Sweat had gathered on his forehead and his grey eyes were wide with pleasure. I stared at his chest, slick with perspiration and small drops of precome from my cock.

 

“Gonna, oh shit, gonna come,” Dom groaned as he lifted his hips right as I ground down. That one thrust was enough for the two of us, and I was suddenly filled with his come while I watched his whole body shake as his orgasm overtook him. Meanwhile, his hand had joined mine on my cock, and we were both stroking me as I spurt two streams onto his chest, my thighs trembling and my hands shaking with pleasure.

 

My body was like a rock, and I fell forward, my head falling into place on Dom’s chest. I panted heavily, two orgasms in the span of an hour still something my body wasn’t quite used to.

 

“Fuck,” Dom whispered when he regained his breath. “That was, just...”

I lifted my head, giving him a shy smile as we stared at each other, locked in a gaze of love and post sex. “That was so fast,” I said, rolling to the side and groaning as his cock slid out of me.

 

“It was perfect,” he said, a hand going through his hair. He grimaced as sweat ran down his forehead. “And I stink now.”

 

I giggled. His smell really wasn’t bad. I was growing accustomed to the scent of post-sex Dom, and part of me really enjoyed it. It made me feel loved, to know that he was sweating because of me. And the smell was manly, something that was just part of him, so I didn’t mind at all.

 

“We can shower together,” I said with a sly grin.

 

“Mmm, let’s just lay here a bit more.”

 

I smiled into his chest, shifting my naked body so that I was pressed against him and the cushions of the sofa. Part of my brain reminded me that breakfast was still sitting on the table, that Soldier was still outside in the garden from when I first came downstairs, and that Tom and Arianna were coming for dinner later, but I pushed those thoughts out of my mind. I dragged my finger along Dom’s rib, avoiding the spot of drying come on his stomach. His scar was completely healed, now just a jagged reminder of the night which brought us together. I lowered my head, kissing the white skin there as he let out a loud sigh. Neither of us wanted to move, so we laid for what had to be at least a half hour. The itchiness of drying sweat and come was what finally provoked us to get up, along with Soldier’s barking at the back door. I stood up, pulling Dom’s shirt back on and stretching my back. I was thankful I had remembered to shut the curtains the night before, otherwise my elderly neighbors would have gotten an unwanted flash of my bum as I bent over to retrieve my boxers from the floor. I slipped the shorts on and opened up the door for Soldier, who trotted happily into the kitchen, acting like he hadn’t been ignored for the previous hour and a half.

 

“Hey you persistent bugger,” I heard from the sofa. Dom was sitting up, his shirt off but boxers on as Soldier licked his forehead. “That’s my sweat,” Dom giggled, wrinkling his nose. “Nasty.”

 

Soldier’s tail wagged and I shook my head, thankful he wasn’t licking something else off Dom’s body. I shuddered at the thought then moved to clean up our half eaten breakfast (or was it lunch?). It was already turning into mid afternoon anyway, and Tom and Arianna were due to come at half past four.

 

I felt arms wrap around my waist and I turned around to be met with Dom’s lips. “Shower?” he asked quietly. I nodded and let him lead me upstairs, ready to be cleaned and dressed appropriately for our guests that night.

 

~

 

“Matt, this pasta is fucking fantastic,” Tom declared, leaning back in his seat and raising his beer bottle to his lips before taking a big sip.

 

I smiled at him from across the table. “Was my mum’s recipe, I’m glad you like it.”

 

“Hey, speaking of recipes,” Arianna chirped in. “Do either of you know a good bakery? We’ve found a few that seem like they’d be good for our wedding cake, but they’re just so expensive.”

 

“I can ask Daniel,” Dom offered. “Since he’s in the restaurant business, he might know of some places. I’ll give you his number.”

 

I watched as Dom and Arianna left so they could exchange information, and I was left alone with Tom for a few minutes.

 

“Hey, Matt,” Tom started.

 

“Mmm?”

 

“Sorry if this is a bit sudden, but... I... I want you to be in our wedding.”

 

I looked up at the brunette in surprise. “What do you mean?” I asked.

 

“I want you to be one of my groomsmen, if you’d like,” he offered.

 

“Tom,” I gasped. “I’d... I’d love to!”

 

Tom gave me a big smile. “It’s just, you’ve really helped Dom, he’s like a brand new person. It’s the Dom I knew growing up and he’s so happy now with you. I just want to repay you somehow. I feel like you’ve become such a close friend to us recently, like you’re part of our family.”

 

“Wow,” I said, amazed. “Thank you, so much.”

  
“No Matthew,” Tom said quietly as Arianna and Dom came back into the room, taking their seats at the table. Dom’s smile was infectious, his eyes bright with happiness as he pressed a quick kiss to my temple before taking a sip of his water. “Thank you.”


	25. Chapter 25

“Okay, that was very good. Now, can you remember what we talked about at the end of your last lesson?” I flipped the page of my new student’s beginner level songbook, pointing to a spot on the page. “Do you remember what C position is?”

The little girl with red curls put her finger to her mouth, thinking hard for a second, before smiling and placing her hand on the piano, thumb on C, middle finger on E, and pinky on G.

“Very good, Cecilia. Now, if you press all three keys down at once...” I showed her higher up on the piano. “...that makes a C major chord. Can you do that for me?”

She pressed down on the keys, the chord ringing out through the small room.

“Excellent! That was very well done.”

It was always a concern with the little ones that I wasn’t making myself clear in their lessons. I worried whether I conveyed the message to them correctly or not, and it was always something I bit my lip at by the end of their lessons. As I led Cecilia from the room and to her waiting mum and dad, I wondered if she really grasped everything I’d told her. Would she really remember the difference between C major and C minor? Or was it just useless information that went in one ear and flew out the other in just a day or so?

I sat beside Gloria at the front desk, propping my feet up on the rubbish basket and sighing loudly to myself.

“What’s up, Matt?” she asked as she looked at me, seemingly concerned.

“Just worried she didn’t understand anything I just taught her in the last hour,” I said with a shrug, picking at an imaginary piece of dust on my trouser leg.

“Ahh,” she said. “Don’t sweat it, Matt. You’re a fantastic teacher, and everyone knows that.” 

“Yeah but, it’s just frustrating, you know? The little ones are so quiet, they never say much having to actually do with the music. For all I know, she hates the piano and would rather play violin.”

“Psh.”

“It’s true, Gloria! All I’m having her do right now is just regurgitate information back to me. Sometimes I wish I could just skip all the beginner stuff, move right along to the point where I know they’re enjoying it and that they understand everything I tell them.”

“I really think you should stop worrying,” she said with a giggle. “The girl is... What? Five? If she doesn’t like it, you’ll find out soon enough. A few piano lessons never hurt anyway, I promise you that. Please don’t worry so much, Matthew.”

I smiled. “You know me, I can’t help it.”

“That is true,” she said with a laugh. Gloria shuffled through some papers on the desk as I leaned back in my chair, shutting my eyes for a brief second before the secretary’s voice caught me again. “Someone’s here.”

I glanced at the clock, confused because my lessons for the day were finished. I was only at the studio still because Chris and I had carpooled, seeing as our schedules had almost completely matched up for once. I was still waiting for him to finish up his last lesson.

“I’m not expecting anyone,” I told Gloria, swinging my feet off the desk and sitting up to see who had walked through the door. A smile spread like wildfire across my face and I practically leaped out of my chair, moving quickly along the wooden floors of the studio to Dom’s open arms. I could hear Gloria giggling behind us as we greeted each other with a hug and a kiss, my lips finding his cheek almost automatically. “What are you doing here?” I asked, incredibly surprised yet so happy.

“Took a cab, I wanted to surprise you,” he said, grinning at me. “I hope you don’t mind...” he added shyly.

“Not at all! It’s a wonderful surprise, but you know I’ll be leaving here soon anyway, right?”

“Of course. But that would mean I would have to wait for Chris to finish the rest of his lessons, and I’m impatient.”

“Impatient for what?” I asked.

Dom smirked at me, leaning forward and pressing a soft kiss to my lips. My eyes widened in shock, but I allowed his lips to move against mine. “We’re going on a date,” he finally said, looking at me with a twinkle in his eyes.

“Ooh Matt, he’s a keeper,” I heard Gloria say from behind us. 

I turned around, smiling at her with Dom’s arm slung casually around my waist. “I knew that the second I fell in love with him,” I said to her.

Gloria shook her head and rolled her eyes with a smile playing at her lips. “Christopher warned me that you two have been getting unbearably lovey dovey around each other recently, I should’ve listened to him.”

Dom giggled beside me, pulling me closer. “It’s nice to see you, too,” he said to Gloria with a smirk. I felt his lips press against the stubble on my jawbone, and I smiled widely.

“Where are we going?” I asked him, fiddling with the collar of his shirt. 

“That's for me to know and you to find out,” he replied. “God, I love this scarf on you.” His hands pulled at the ends of the black and white checkered article of clothing, my face blushing as Gloria made fake puking noises at us. 

“Ahem,” came a voice from the woman. “I believe that was my scarf until someone stole it so they could cover their love bites with it.” I blushed, trying to hide from Gloria’s amused look. “Although,” she added. “It looks much better on you than it ever did on me.”

“Shh, none of that,” said Dom. “Gloria, you are absolutely beautiful.”

“Says the gay man.”

Dom gave a false gasp and I giggled at the exchange between the two. He glanced at the time on his iPhone and quickly took my hand. “Gather your things, we’re going to be late!”

“Late?” I asked. “Dominic, I didn’t drive. Where are we going? How are we getting there?”

“We’re taking the tube, don’t worry, I’ve already got this all planned out.”

I looked at him with one eyebrow raised. One of the nice parts about living in a smaller neighborhood of London, rather than the busy, tourist filled city center, was that we could walk and drive anywhere we needed to go, never having to deal with traffic or people who weren’t locals. All the shops were close and things weren’t outrageously priced, as they were in the more touristy areas of London.

We rarely took the tube. In fact, we rarely even left the neighborhood, with the exception of the late night walks I still took every now and then. There was never any need to travel far from home.

“Where are you taking me?” I asked. “You hate the tube.”

“I know, but I promise, this will be fun.”

“Okay. Is what I’m wearing good for whatever we’re doing?” I asked, looking down at my pink tee shirt and black blazer. I hoped we weren’t going to a nice dinner, but judging by Dom’s casual collared shirt and skinny jeans combination, I guessed that I was okay.

“You’re perfect as always,” he said, softly kissing my chin. “Now hurry up.”

I sighed, gathering my bag and my phone, Gloria saying goodbye to us as Dom pushed open the studio door, leading us onto the street.

~

When we stepped off the tube, it was a part of town I knew about but was not familiar with. The streets were lively with men and women - all younger - and bright lights and a sense of electricity in the air.

“Are we going to a gay bar again?” I asked, wary as we passed a couple of men, already drunk and leaning onto each other for support while trying desperately to snog at the same time.

“No we are not,” Dom promised. “We are going to a bar though, and I know for a fact that you will like it.”

I frowned, but nevertheless followed him down the street. The late spring air was warm, but a gentle breeze made it so that I wasn’t uncomfortable with my scarf wrapped close around my neck. Our hands were joined between us as we turned left down a street, passing a sushi restaurant with pounding music and bright, neon lights. I was about to ask Dom where we were going, until we turned one more corner and stopped in front of a building with brick siding and dark lights. It was unlike any of the other buildings in the neighborhood, and Dom smiled at me as he pushed open the door, gesturing for me to follow him inside.

“Oh this is... Quiet,” I said as soon as I looked around. The entire pub was dim and warm, almost feeling like a cozy cabin in the middle of the woods, with its wooden walls and flickering fireplace to the side. “Dom, this is so nice,” I said quietly as we walked through the building to the bar in the back, which was set next to a small stage. There were microphones, a keyboard,and a stand up bass all sitting neatly to the side, and a few people had moved their stools to circle around the stage. “Is there a band playing?” 

“You’ll see soon enough,” Dom said with a wink as we both slid into the bar. A man turned around from filling two pints of beer, and I gasped in surprise as I recognized the bartender as Daniel.

“Matt! Dom!” he cheered, smiling and walking over to us, sliding out from behind the bar and pulling us both into a huge hug that I didn’t think he could posses. “I’m so glad you two could make it!” He gave us a huge smile, turning back to the bar and taking a few bottles of liquor and mixers from off the shelves. “Tyler is going to be so happy you’re here!”

I turned to Dom, still slightly confused. He leaned in, softly kissing below my ear then explaining to me.

“Tyler plays the electric guitar in a small jazz band,” he said softly. “Their first gig is tonight, here, and Daniel knows the owner of this place so he got a second job here, so that he could have some more participation in the whole thing.”

“Wow,” I said, eyeing the small stage and the lingering groups of people. “This is absolutely amazing.”

Our last time in a bar had proved much different; it was a completely different environment, with relaxed young couples and even a few older people here and there. There was a calm air to the pub, and Dom and I sat in the bar stools, ready to sit back and relax all night.

I sipped a mojito - not too strong with the lime and rum, thanks to the fine work of Daniel - and let my head tip to the side, innocently resting on Dominic’s shoulder beside me. His hand traveled to the back of my head, and I nearly fell asleep while he softly began rubbing my scalp as we quietly talked, waiting for Tyler’s band to take the stage

A man came to the center of the stage, announcing that they would be on shortly. Daniel clocked out, and took up a seat beside us at the bar. A woman with long black hair walked onto the stage, her short, emerald green dress glowing in the soft stage lights. Her pale legs were bright against everything, making her stand out and looking like the star of the show. A few musicians followed her, and I noticed Daniel’s grin grow increasingly as Tyler took his position to the left of the woman, giving us all a little wink as he sat down. There was some shuffling as the bassist picked up his huge instrument, the keyboard player shuffled through some papers, and the trumpet players knocked down a couple of music stands. It was all a bit unorganized and sloppy, save for the woman in the front, but I could tell they would be a good group, by the way they were already talking and joking with one another as they prepared for the gig.

As the band began to play and the woman began to sing, a sense of calmness and tranquility washed over me. They weren’t exceptionally good; the woman didn’t hit all her notes, the bassist was a bit off key, the drummer sped up every now and then, one of the saxophones sounded a bit like a dying duck, and every now and then Tyler would play the wrong guitar chord. But, it was the most at peace I’d felt in a long time. I let the soothing sounds melt into me as I felt the pulse from Dom’s wrist against my neck. His voice, quietly chatting with Daniel, was like honey to my ears. I was so off in my own world, absorbing the music and the environment and my love beside me.

“You enjoying this?” Dominic asked me about halfway through the set. His finger was twirling in my scarf and his breath was warm against my cheek.

I turned and smiled at him, softly kissing his jawbone. “You have no idea. Thank you so much for this.”  
“Oh, love, I’m so glad.” Dom’s smile was huge, and it warmed my heart that by making me happy, it made him happy. All I ever wanted in my life was for him to be happy. If I could just see a big grin on his face every day for the rest of my life, I wouldn’t care. Rich or poor, better or worse, until the day we die.

The band interrupted my train of thoughts, a quicker paced jazz song floating through the room. The moving beat had me smiling and swaying a bit in my chair, the bass line leading Dom to lightly tap his hands on his thighs. It was then that I remembered, a long time ago, that Dom had once told me he played drums at one point. I wondered if he had any interest in picking it up again, and made a mental note to ask him about it later. 

The woman singing jutted her hip out to the side, her leg sticking out of her emerald green dress and a silver stiletto catching the light of the pub and reflecting off, shining on Dom’s cheekbone. Her voice kicked off into a higher range, one she seemed to be much more comfortable with, rather than the lower tones she’d been singing the rest of the set. In fact, the whole band seemed to get it together. The song was original and pleasing to the ear, and had me wanting to take Dominic from his stool and dance with him around the floor. Apparently other couples had the same idea as me, because couples slowly began grouping off, holding each other close and swaying to the music.

Dom was staring at the musicians, and I blushed to myself, swallowing a lump in my throat. Before I could hesitate and talk myself out of it, I gently rested my hand on his thigh. He looked up at me, and I gestured with my head to the couples dancing on the floor. His face automatically brightened, and I wordlessly took his hand, leading him from the bar stool and to the open area which was filled with other couples.

“I’m not too good at this kind of dancing,” he giggled as I pulled him close to me.

“You don’t need to be,” I said with a smile. “You just kind of... Go with the flow.”

“Like this?” He let his arms fall around my waist, his hands resting in the middle of my back. Our tempo slowed and we swayed back and forth. It wasn’t exactly the appropriate music to slow dance to, but it felt absolutely ideal in the moment. 

“Yes,” I whispered. “Just like this.”

Just then, as if by magic, the song changed to one with a very slow tempo. The singer went back down to her low register, but kept up her tone quality. I pulled Dominic close to me, my hands behind his neck. I leaned in, pressing my cheek to the top button of his shirt and breathing in the scent of him.

The song lasted a long time, and more couples gradually joined us. I wished Tyler wasn’t in the band, so that he and Daniel could have a moment together as well. As we danced, Dom and I whispered about petty, unimportant things: if we should get new bed sheets (maybe dark blue?), maybe we should switch Soldier to an organic dog food diet, and would it be a good idea to take a weekend holiday to Teignmouth before summer really kicked in? 

I laughed as he said funny things and blushed when he said beautiful things. I felt so absorbed by him that it ultimately scared me just how in love with him I was. I didn’t think it could ever be possible to literally not care a bit about yourself or anyone else, as long as he got whatever it was that he wanted. And that was all I cared about. I would spend every day of the rest of my life, no matter how long that would be, to please Dominic. He was no longer a broken man, no longer a heated friendship, no longer a boyfriend, no longer a partner, no longer a lover. He was my life, the only thing that would ever matter.

I could drop everything: piano, my family, Soldier, my students, my few friends. Everything. Except for him.

He was all I had, and I was never going to let him go.


	26. Chapter 26

As April came to a close and May was upon us, Dominic and I found ourselves outside a lot more often than usual. We took long walks through the neighborhood, ate dinner on the small patio in the garden, and even found ourselves planting flowers and fixing up the front of the house to make it look a bit more presentable to the street.

 

I enjoyed feeling the breeze rustle through my hair and flutter my tee shirt as I bent down in the garden, dirt clinging to my old jeans as Soldier sun bathed and Dom trimmed some of the bushy hedges.

 

“Oh would you look at that,” I heard Dom say from behind me. I turned around, seeing him looking up at the sky and pointing to a golden ray just barely peeking out from behind the grey clouds. “It looks like the sun is trying to come out.”

 

Sure enough, it was a battle between clouds and sun. For a few brief seconds, the garden was showered in golden light, the rays warming my skin and brightening the flowers. Then, as quickly as it had showed up, the orb was hiding behind the clouds again, shying away from us.

 

“Fucker,” Dom mumbled.

 

“Now you’ve really scared it off,” I said, grinning as the clouds completely covered the sun, burying the garden in darkness and a chill yet again. Dom huffed, straightening up and throwing the gardening tools to the side.

 

“Looks like it might rain soon, too. Damn England.”

 

“Mmm,” I sighed, pulling off my gardening gloves. The clouds were in fact starting to darken, and by the time we’d put our things away and were on the patio, preparing to go back inside, the first rain droplet hit me on the nose. We quickly made our way into the house, the heavens opening up just barely after I’d shut the door that lead to the patio. “Maybe we should take a holiday sometime soon. You know, escape the rain and go somewhere warm.”

 

Dom’s eyes widened as we moved around the kitchen. “Where would we go? I don’t have a job, how would we afford it?”

 

“Dom,” I said lightly, putting the kettle on for a mid afternoon cup of tea. “Don’t worry about money or getting a job. Please don’t stress yourself out over it, we’re fine.”

 

“I know, but...” He sighed. “You don’t make that much money teaching piano.”

 

“There’s lots of unused money I have saved up, from my mum and dad. I’m sure if they were here, they’d want us to use it to take a holiday. Perhaps Italy or Spain,” I suggested.

 

“I wish I could’ve met your parents,” Dom said softly. “Do you think they would’ve liked me?”

 

I smiled, kissing his forehead lightly and inhaling his scent. “They would’ve loved you.”

 

“Are you just saying that?”

 

“Nope.” I kissed him again. “Elena loves you, and mum was just like Elena, only more loveable, if that’s even possible. She would’ve loved everything about you and taken you in as another son,” I said with a smile, reminiscing the woman who raised me but was taken away from me way too soon.

 

“And your dad? Would he have been really protective over you, or something like that?”

 

I grinned, shaking my head. “He was protective, but he would’ve liked you. Paul behaves very similarly to how he behaved, open minded and caring.”

 

“You must miss them a lot,” he said quietly.

 

“I do,” I replied, trying not to think too much about it. “But I know they’d be happy if they knew how happy you make me.”

 

Dom smiled shyly, moving to get two cups for our tea. He poured it for both of us, handing me the jar of honey. We walked to the sofa and pulled a blanket around us, the rain still falling outside. I powered on the telly and flipped through the channels before finally settling on a program about the 1920s in the United States. We were quiet for a few minutes as we watched the program, until Dom spoke up again. “I wish I could tell them how amazing their son is.”

 

I smiled, kissing him lightly on the cheek and wrapping my arms around him. He seemed surprised, but welcomed me as I held him for a few long minutes. “Thank you,” I whispered before returning to the sink to rinse some strawberries.

 

“For what?”

 

“For saying that,” I said. “It really means a lot.”

 

“Yeah?” he asked, coming next to me at the counter with a towel to dry the berries.

 

“Yeah,” I replied. “Sometimes I just don’t feel like I deserve you.” Dom gasped, raising one eyebrow and giving me a puzzled look. I shrugged my shoulders, moving to the refrigerator and pulling out some cheese. “I’m kind of... Boring.”

 

“No,” said Dom. “Don’t say that. You’re the most interesting person I’ve ever met.”

 

“But I-”

 

“Nope.” He stole a piece of cheese from the platter I was putting together and walked away before I could fight him about it.

 

I pouted, then turned back to finish preparing our snack.

 

~

 

“Do you have to go to work today?” Dom pouted, pulling on the ends of my blazer to try and lead me back into the house, our bed, and his warm arms.

 

“It’ll only be a couple hours, love.”

 

“But it’s Saturday.”

 

“I know,” I said softly. “Charlotte is so close to making it into this youth music school though. One extra lesson is the least I can do for her. I’d feel like a failure if I let her down.”

 

“When will you be home?”

 

“I shouldn’t be longer than two hours. Don’t worry,” I said, kissing him on the lips and swinging my bag over my shoulder. “I’ll be back before you know it. Love you.”

 

“Bye,” he said softly. I waved once more before closing the door to the house and walking out to the car.

 

~

 

I leaned back in my chair, gesturing to Charlotte to go through the song again. Her progression in six months was not typical; she was already playing pieces that I couldn’t play until after at least four years of extensive lessons. I would’ve said she was a prodigy, a child genius, but there was something that told me she just understood the piano. Not only could she play a piece with precision, she also understood the piece, why each chord worked, why the time signature was the way it was, and why certain notes went together while others didn’t.

 

I knew for a fact she would make it into the music school. There was no way they’d pass up someone so young with so much talent who could offer so much to the program. Still, I wanted to help her the most I could, and if that meant coming in on a Saturday when the studio was closed to help put the finishing touches on a song, then I would do it for her.

 

“Make sure you really bring the crescendo to full volume, let the audience really feel the tempo.” I didn’t need to tell her that. She had already been bringing the crescendo to its full capability, from the first time she played the ragtime style song. I really had nothing to say to her, I could only remind her of the things she was already doing. “That’s it,” I said as she reached the climax of the song. “Hands loose, shoulders relaxed, there you go.”

 

Her hands moved across the piano, lightly touching the keys while her foot steadily pushed down and let up on the pedal. The notes rang out through the room, the quick melody causing me to lightly tap my thigh as the rhythm quickened just before the end.

 

As she hit the last note, I smiled, standing up and applauding and giving a small bow. She giggled, removing her hands from the keys and smiling at me shyly.

 

“Charlotte, that was beautiful,” I told her. “There’s nothing else I can say. You are going to ace your audition.”

 

“Really?”

 

“Yes.” I gave her a huge grin. “I am so proud of you. This is not an easy song whatsoever, and you’ve made it as close to perfect as it can be.”

 

“Thank you Mr. Bellamy,” she said politely, giving me another smile.

 

I folded her piano music and handed it to her, then opened up the door and watched as she ran up to her mum. I waved them both off, wishing Charlotte luck on her audition, then turned back to my room to gather up my papers, coat, and bag. As I was checking my messages on my mobile, I heard the door to the studio open. No one worked on Saturdays, and I was the only one there, so I quickly gathered my stuff so I could move out into the hall and see who it was. Perhaps Charlotte’s mum had just forgotten something.

 

“Hello?” I called, opening the door and popping my head out. No one was in the hall, so I ignored it, and went back to picking up my things. Suddenly, the door to my room opened up and a pair of arms wrapped around me from behind.

 

I knew those arms right away: the feeling and weight of them around my waist was something I knew like the back of my own hand.

 

“Suprising me again?” I asked with a smile, turning around and capturing Dom’s lips with a kiss.

 

“Of course,” he said. “I can’t help it.”

 

“You take a cab again? Or did you walk?”

 

“I walked, took Soldier out for a bit then let him back in before deciding to come over and surprise you.”

 

“Hmm,” I said, moving past him and shutting the door. We walked toward the front of the studio where the curtains were shut and the front desk was empty.

 

“Are you here alone?” Dom asked as I took his hand in mine.

 

“Yes,” I replied. “No one works on Saturdays. Why?”

 

“So no one would see if I did this?” He turned and faced me, pulling my messenger bag from my shoulder and tossing it to the ground beside us before slowly arching his head to the side and pulling me closer. HIs lips touched mine and I melted into him; his kisses were always able to have a magical effect on me, making me pliable and able to do anything he wanted me to do. His lips moved slowly against mine, his fingers twisted in my hair, and I was all his. I felt his hardness pressing against my thigh and his hands trailing down my back to rest on my arse.

 

“Dom,” I whined, already feeling my cock harden in my trousers. “This is so wrong,” I gasped, looking out at the small chairs set out for children, the toy box, and the coloring books resting on the table.

 

“We don’t have to do anything, love,” he whispered, pulling back and looking at me. “If you’re not comfortable, we don’t have to do anything. I just thought-”

 

“I... I want it. But not here.” I gestured around the room where there was so much evidence of young children and families and innocence, that it just didn't feel right to allow myself to get lost in pleasure. “Can we go home?” I asked shyly.

 

“Yes, of course,” he answered. I felt his lips press against my forehead and my eyelashes fluttered as I wrapped my arms around him. I pressed myself against him and watched as he grinned down at me. “Let’s go home,” he said, his eyes twinkling with delight and sleekness.

 

~

 

The confinements of our bedroom was a million times better than in a music studio. In our bed, I could show Dom who I truly was, what I wanted to give to him, rather than the awkward, still very innocent piano teacher image that I still showed to people who didn’t know I was involved with someone. As our heated skin slid together while Dom’s cock brushed against my prostate and I screamed out, sharp whispers and low moaning filling the room, I was everything I’d wanted to be but had always been far too afraid to become.

 

“Dominic,” I gasped, his heavy breathing in my ear sending sharp bursts of electricity to my cock as we stroked it together, our fists slapping together.

 

“I’ve got you my prince,” he whispered. “I’ve got you.”

 

My sharp cry echoed off the walls as he pounded against my prostate, my muscles clenching tightly around him and my breath leaving my burning lungs at a rapid rate. The feeling of my lover thrusting into me, twisting his fingers in my hair and whispering my name as his fingers ghosted my skin was so enthralling I almost couldn’t believe it.

 

In fact, I couldn’t believe it. How did we get there, that far in our relationship? What happened to the days where I would come home from work and I’d find him on the sofa, trembling and wrapped in a blanket with only Soldier to comfort him? What happened to the times where I held him until he was asleep, when I had to gently kiss his tears away so that he would stop crying and would be able to tell me what happened?

 

I didn’t miss those days, though there were times where I would forget about them, and that would scare me. I had to remember those days, because they were such an important part of our relationship, perhaps the most important part.

 

Without the days of hurt and comfort, of tears and sobs, we wouldn’t have the same intimacy in our relationship. When we made love, the amount of carefulness, passion, and desire it held was much more than it would have if our relationship had started like any other, with a few casual dates before finally leading into sex.

 

The amount of passion I felt from him every time we did something even remotely heated was overwhelming for me, physically, mentally, and emotionally. My body tingled, my mind buzzed, and my emotions overran me, taking over and leaving me empty of everything except pure love.

 

I felt Dominic’s fingers cupping my jawbone, and my mouth automatically opened for him as he pounded into my body. The vivid taste of his kiss on my tongue was encouraging for me, like a potion that gave me new energy and strength. I thrusted my hips upward, trying to get Dom’s cock to reach as far into me as possible. I screamed out as I was stretched to my limit and my prostate was repeatedly pounded against, over and over again with no time in between to catch my breath.

 

“Come on love,” Dom whispered, his words tickling the corners of my mouth and the soft skin of my lips. I moaned loudly as our hands stroked my cock quickly, my orgasm fast approaching. “Yes,” he gasped. “That’s it.”

 

I took a shuddery breath, my heels digging into Dom’s lower back as I thrusted upwards, feeling his cock reaching further and further into me every time. I felt his lips sucking on my neck, his teeth leaving small bites to my skin. “Harder,” I moaned. He nodded, gasping as I clenched around him every time he grinded down.

 

“Is this okay, love?” he asked, breathless.

 

“Yes,” I moaned, loving the feeling of his body on top of mine as I neared my climax. “I’m so close, Dom. So close.”

 

“Me too.”

 

Our hips rocked together and I watched as Dom’s eyes clenched shut just seconds before he came. I was right behind him, gasping his name as I came between our bodies, our bellies painted with my come. My legs ached, my lungs burned, and my head spinned as I relaxed my whole body. Dom pulled out, the unfamiliar empty feeling making me twitch for a second before I finally let my muscles go.

 

Dom laid beside me, his chest heaving rhythmically up and down. I traced the bumps of his hip bones with my fingers and observed the way the tan nature of his skin disappeared when I pressed down hard enough. I could still feel his come inside of me, dripping onto the bedsheets and the skin of my bum. There was a kink in my lower back that I tried to ignore, but Dom’s quick thinking and his knuckles kneading into the knotted muscles made me quickly realize how bad it was. I let out a tiny mewl, and he gave me a concerned look.

 

“You okay?” he asked.

 

I nodded. “Just sore.”

 

“Sorry,” he whispered. “I did pound into you pretty hard.”

 

A dirty smile grazed my lips, and I gave him a smirk. “It felt amazing. Though, I might be feeling it for a few days.”

 

“Your hard piano bench is going to be a real fucker to sit on all day come Monday.” He giggled and lightly touched my ribs, his finger trailing in the pool of my come that was starting to dry. I took a sharp breath as he brought his finger to his lips and began to suck on it, swallowing thickly.

 

“That’s... Oh my God. Why is that so hot?” I groaned.

 

“Because you’re secretly really kinky, I’ll bet.”

 

“Really?!” I gasped, looking at him with a stunned expression.

 

“Mhm,” he hummed with a nod. “I can really see it.” He gently grazed my collar bone, laying a soft kiss on the swollen, bright red mark he’d left with his teeth only minutes earlier. “I can really imagine you getting a thing out of public sex. Like when we were in the studio earlier today, you were telling me you were uncomfortable, but something about your eyes told me you really wanted it.”

 

“I did, but...”

 

He laughed, kissing me lightly on the cheek. “Don’t worry about it, love. We have all the time in the world.”

 

“We do,” I said with a smile, sighing contentedly as his fingers worked out the knots in my back. “Goddamn that feels good.”

 

“Is it your arse or your back that hurts?” he asked.

 

“Both, mostly back though.”

 

“Okay. You owe me one, love.”

 

“Yes sir,” I giggled before groaning with delight at the feeling of my muscles gradually loosening. When Dom removed his hands, my naked body screamed for more of his touch. I craved the scent of his skin, the feeling of his fingers, and the taste of his mouth. “Oh God, Dominic,” I groaned.

 

“Yes?”

 

“I love you.”

 

His steady breathing filled the room for a few minutes, and I let my heavy eyes slowly drift closed. As much as I knew there were other things I could be doing, like preparing for dinner, getting some music written for piano lessons the following week, or working in the garden more with Dom, all I wanted to do was sleep for a while. I let my muscles and my mind relax, and slowly began to drift off. A raspy, sleep-filled voice was the last thing I heard, a small smile ghosting my lips as I repeated Dom’s sentence over and over in my mind until I fell asleep. He said it once more, just as I drifted away.

  
“I love you too.”


	27. Chapter 27

The late May night was hot, a rare type of humidity mystifying itself in our room, leaving a layer of sweat on both our bodies even though we’d gone straight to bed that night with no fooling around. I had kicked the duvet off to the side of the bed, and Dom and I laid bare and naked on top of the sheets as the electric fan ran constantly in the corner of the room, giving off a faint hum in the night. My body was warm and sticky, and I rolled around, trying to find a comfortable position. Dom’s arm was over my hip, and I tried to wiggle out of his hold. It was too hot.

 

“Matthew,” he whispered. “Hold still and go to sleep.”

 

“Too hot, love,” I said softly, swinging my legs to the side and padding out into the hallway to the bathroom. I leaned over the countertop, splashing cool water on my face before turning back around and moving to the bedroom. Dom was sitting up, his cheeks a faint pink from the heat.

 

“What is this heat?” he groaned, fanning himself with his hand. It was unusually hot for the time of year, pushing above thirty degrees celsius. “I feel fucking gross.”

 

“It’s like after sex,” I said, waving my hand in front of my face to try and create at least some circulation.

 

“Yeah, except sex is nice,” he giggled with a sigh. “Is it just our room that’s hot?” he asked, throwing the duvet completely off the bed.

 

“The entire upstairs, yeah. We could try the sofa, it might be a bit cooler down there.”

 

“I’m up for anything,” he said. “I need to sleep and it’s hard to do that up here. We’ve got to be well rested for when Chris and Kelly come over for dinner and drinks tomorrow night.” Dom glanced at the clock on the wall, which read that it was already two in the morning. “Er, tonight.”

 

I nodded and began to gather up a couple of pillows and whistle to Soldier to follow us down the narrow staircase. The second I stepped into the hall downstairs, I realized it wasn’t much cooler, though I could open up a few more windows in the kitchen, which would help. As I went to do so, I glanced back at Dom, his naked bum practically glowing in the moonlight from the light sheen of sweat. I smiled lightly to myself.

 

“Dom?”

 

“Mmm?” His head popped up from behind the sofa and he looked at me as I turned to open up some of the windows.

 

“How are we going to fit on this sofa?” I asked, gesturing to the small space as he stood up and walked toward me, smiling slightly.

 

He grinned, gesturing me back to the sofa. “We’ll just have to make room.”

 

I giggled with a blush, letting him pull me to the cushions and on top of him, our legs tangling and our fingers touching, bodies hot from the air and our love. I sighed into his chest, ignoring the warmth of the room and only focusing on his breathing, letting the steady tempo lure me back to sleep.

 

~

 

“Soldier, mate, you gotta get down, there’s not enough room for all of us here.”

 

The clink of a dog collar and a sharp pain in my hip bone made my eyes open, the bright, late morning sun nearly blinding me. I heard a loud tumble, then watched in helplessness as Dom thumped to the ground at the foot of the sofa, Soldier’s tail pounding loudly against the cushions as he inched his way towards my lap.

 

“Oi, no you don’t!” I giggled as I pushed him away. “Boyfriend comes before dog,” I said, looking down at Dom. The blonde smiled and stood up, his naked body practically glowing in the warm morning sunlight. God, how I wanted to kiss and worship that body, all day and every day. I watched with heavy lidded eyes as he stretched, obviously aware of me watching his every move, the curve of his arse, the flexion of the slight muscles in his back and arms, and the shine of his blonde hair in the light. “You look gorgeous,” I whispered beneath my breath, almost wishing he didn’t hear me.

 

He looked surprised, a flash of confusion spreading across his face before a wide smile and those ever forgiving grey eyes replaced it. “Really?” he asked shyly.

 

“Yes,” I said with a nod. “I’m sorry, I feel like a fucking idiot for being so lovey dovey all the time, but yes. I think you’re gorgeous.”

 

“Love,” he giggled, folding up a blanket that had been thrown from the sofa during the night. “Never apologize for that. Ever. You know I love it.”

 

“You do?”

 

“Of course!” he exclaimed. “I’m loving this.” He gestured between us. “This ‘totally in love’ thing we have going on, it’s the most amazing and incredible thing I have ever experienced, and I am so glad that you’re the man I get to have it with. All my life I was treated like shit, and Matt, you’ve changed me. I feel like a real person now, a person who is able to love and be loved back, and I can live. So don’t ever think that I don’t like you being affectionate.” He kissed me softly on the cheek, lifting his lips to my ear. “Your affection is the greatest gift I could ever ask for. It’s my drug; I feed off of it and it keeps me going. I always want more, and in my mind, I have an infinite supply of it. As long as you’re here, I can live and breathe.”

 

My eyes fluttered closed as his words swiftly made their way through my body, waking up all my senses and sending a shiver trailing up and down my spine. I let out a shuddery breath before feeling his lips lightly press against mine again. “I love you,” I whispered, my body heated and my emotions running high.

 

“I love you too, my prince. Thank you. Thank you for everything.” He smiled at me, the sounds of our breaths the only thing I heard, my eyes welling up slightly. “Please don’t cry.”

 

“I’m not crying,” I said, wiping a stray tear, but still smiling. “That would be gay.”

 

He grinned fondly, lightly kissing my cheek. “Don’t worry my love, you’re beautiful. But why are you crying?”

“Because I can’t believe I have you.”

 

He beamed, his grey eyes getting bigger and bigger as his smile increased across his face. “There’s no reason to cry over that.”

 

“Yes, there is. I don’t even know how we got here, Dom,” I said through tears, smiling but crying all at the same time. “It’s emotional and I’ve said it a million and one times but I still can’t believe that we’re here and that I love someone and that that someone loves me back. I still can’t fathom how all this happened, how I met you and why the hell you are still with me after all this. I know I’ve been repeating myself over and over again, especially since we first had sex, but I just love you so much and I sound like a sap saying this all the time, but fuck. Dom. I love you.”

 

Dom sniffled, and I instinctively wrapped my arms around him and pulled him into my chest. “Now I’m crying,” he giggled, burying his head into me. “Look what you’ve done to me!”

 

I smiled, kissing him softly on the cheek. “We’re just both emotional wrecks. All the time.”

 

“We kind of are,” he said. “How do our friends stand spending time with us?”

 

“Because they love us,” I said matter-of-factly.  “And they’re happy for us.”

 

“That they are.”

 

I gave a peck to his chin and grinned. “Should we get ready for tonight?”

 

Dom nodded. “You gonna let me cook?”

 

“We’ll see. Just don’t burn the house down,” I said with a chuckle and a wink. I let out a yelp as I felt a tea towel slap my arse, and ran down the hall and toward the staircase, hearing Dom chuckling from behind me.

 

~

 

Nights with Chris and Kelly Wolstenholme were always some of my favorite nights. It was good for Dom and me to experience life with a couple who have been together far longer than us, a couple who have gone through many ups and downs, some more or less severe than ours, and to know that they were still together after so many years. It gave me confidence, that Dom was my life partner - my other half - and in the end we would always be together.

 

I stared at the couple while feeling Dom’s hand in mine underneath the table. I watched the way Chris and Kelly conversed, joking and teasing one another light-heartedly, but still giving each other those looks that told everyone around them that they were absolutely in love.

 

I was intrigued by their relationship. I still felt like I had to be extra careful around Dom. I was scared of losing him, even though I knew that was impossible. I was his forever.

 

“Love, what are you thinking about?” I heard Dom ask.

 

I blinked, waking myself up from my daydream to find our guests and Dom all looking at me as I stared blankly at my plate of food in front of me. “Just spacing out,” I said, lifting my head and smiling at Kelly who was sitting directly across from me.

 

“You’ve been staring for, like, five minutes,” Chris said with a chuckle.

 

“Sorry,” I said with a blush, looking down at my food again, embarrassed. I felt Dom’s hand lightly stroke my thigh and his other arm wrap around my shoulder, and I relaxed a bit, looking up.

 

“Don’t worry,” Dom giggled. “Kelly was just telling us about plans for Tom and Arianna’s wedding. It looks like there’s going to be an open bar,” he said excitedly.

 

“I’ll drink to that,” Chris piped up, raising his pint of beer. The whole table chuckled, and we all raised our respective drinks. I leaned back in my chair, taking a large sip of my wine and letting my body relax as dinner kicked off.

 

The red wine was amazing. Chris and Kelly had brought it over, telling me it was from a small winery somewhere in the hills of Italy. And of course, I was the only one drinking it, everyone else going for cheap beer and eventually a different bottle of white wine.

 

About three quarters of the bottle of wine was gone by the time dessert was finished and the kitchen was cleaned. We all moved to the garden in the back, sitting down on the old dusty chairs I had on the patio. Kelly sat in Chris’ lap on the smaller seat, and Dom rested his head on my shoulder where we were sat on the bigger seat. I absentmindedly stroked his blonde hair from his forehead and chatted with Chris as Dom and Kelly talked. The alcohol was giving me confidence, allowing me to talk animatedly with my friends without cowering back to my shell like I usually did. Dom was really the only one I was able to talk to without blushing, and even then, color often did spread through my skin when I said something I thought was embarrassing. He never seemed to mind, but it was nice to have the liquid encouragement to help me when I was in more social situations.

 

“You ever thought about doing something else with music?” Chris asked me. “Like, maybe doing your own stuff rather than teaching?”

 

I shrugged, taking a sip of wine and letting the glass dangle between my fingers. “Sometimes, yeah. I think solo stuff would be cool, I’ve always wanted to investigate some more jazz stuff, but I like my students too much to leave them, you know?”

 

Chris nodded, leaning back in his seat. “Exactly. I’ve been teaching at this studio for, what? Six months? If that?” He took a sip of his drink. “I’m already so close to all these kids, I can’t see myself leaving them.”

 

“Yeah, it’s hard enough when one of them cancels lessons. I can’t stand when they leave, it makes me feel like I fucked up.”

 

“Nah mate,” Chris said, bringing his arm over Kelly’s shoulder. “Their loss.”

 

Kelly nodded, her and Dom now joining the conversation. “I don’t know why anyone would want to leave you, Matt, you’re fantastic, as a person and a teacher.”

 

“I agree,” Dom added. “But you already knew that,” he said with a giggle as he sat up and kissed me lightly on the cheek, Chris and Kelly both making fake sick noises before kissing as well.

 

There were a few quiet minutes where we all just sat still, listening to the warm night and enjoying each other’s company. We all had empty glasses of wine, and Chris went inside to refill them, red for me and white for everyone else.

 

Pretty soon, everyone was tipsy, and the Wolstenholmes decided it would be best to get going and save their sitter from having to watch the kids all night. Dom and I waved from the doorway as they walked to their car with the slightest waver in their steps.

 

“Drive safely!” I giggled, clutching Dom’s arm as they drove off. I faced the blonde, and quickly brought our lips together. I could taste the blend of the two different wines on our lips and I wanted more. “Champagne?”

 

“Mmm, sounds great.” He paused, giving me a smirk. “Sex later?”

 

“We’ll see,” I said with a wink, laughing and leading him back inside where a bottle of champagne was waiting for us in the refrigerator.

 

~

 

“I am so fucking drunk,” I slurred, falling back onto the sofa.

 

Dom giggled, wiping his chin as a bit of champagne trickled down the cleft. He then took another sip, straight out of the bottle. The flutes were long abandoned after the first bottle was finished. His eyes were lazy and his words slow and tumbling over one another. “D’you wanna makeout?”

 

I hiccuped and smiled before moving over and burying my head into his chest. “When do I not?” I mumbled, lazily sucking his nipple through his tee shirt. “Mmm, yum.”

 

“Matt,” Dom giggled. “That tickles.”

 

“Mmm,” I hummed, wetting the fabric with my tongue. “Want you naked.”

 

We gave each other a heavy stare for a brief moment, then erupted into giggled before we both pulled our shirts over our heads. I lost my balance for a brief moment, falling back onto the sofa cushions with a loud, drunk scream. Dom laughed, falling on top of me so our bare chests were stuck together. We flailed a bit, knocking a few pillows to the floor and giggling madly, before our lips were together again.

 

My vision was blurred and I was unsteady as I heard our lips sucked and licked. I blindly reached my hand out, palming the curve of Dom’s arse. It looked as if the room was spinning and vivid colors were spiralling out of control, painting the ceiling and all the furniture; I couldn’t tell if it was the way Dom was kissing me or the high level of alcohol in my bloodstream that was giving me this strange effect.

 

“Matt, I’m really drunk,” Dom mumbled, sitting up and taking another huge sip from the champagne bottle. He tried setting it back down on the table beside the sofa, only for it to tip over and have the little remaining alcohol trickle out. “Oops,” he slurred, falling back onto the sofa cushions.

 

I inched my way over to him, slowly kissing a trail from his chest, up his neck, and to his lips. I gently bit down on his skin, sucking lightly and watching the way his drunk expression changed, his eyes fluttering in bliss. I wanted to taste every inch of him and watch the way his eyes and mouth changed whenever I did something he liked. I wanted to open him up for me. I wanted everything.

 

I was drunk, and he was drunk. We both had no idea what we were doing, the mix of several different poisons making our brains stupid and unaware. We snogged on the sofa for a long time, grinding into each other and eventually opening up yet another bottle of champagne. We were wasting the fine drink; it was an expensive bottle, but we were too drunk to care. I really was not thinking, my only focus on Dom’s mouth, especially when he unbuckled my trousers and began slowly sucking my cock, his head of blonde hair bobbing between my skinny thighs.

 

“Oh, fuck,” I moaned, putting my hands in his hair and bringing him closer. I wanted to fuck his mouth and let my cock touch the back of his throat. “Your mouth is so hot.”

 

He hummed around my dick, sending vibrations tingling up my spine. I shuddered, groaning low and deep in my throat as he continued to suck.

 

“Dom,” I mumbled drunkenly. He looked up at me, my cock slipping from his mouth as he sat back on the sofa. “More.”

 

“Mmm,” he said with a grin, moving forward again. “What do you want?”

 

“You,” I whined impatiently, trying to bring his mouth to my cock again.

 

“Yeah? You want me?” he teased, lightly touching the aching head of my cock.

 

“Fuck Dom. I want to fuck you hard until you scream.”

 

The words left my mouth before I could think. The thing was, I couldn’t think. I was too drunk.

 

The hand on my cock stopped. Everything froze, and I was confused. “Dom,” I whined. “Why’d you stop?” My words were slurred and my mind was buzzing as I looked at the blonde, who was simply staring at me. All traces of his alcohol induced state were gone. He was just, staring.

 

“Until I scream,” he whispered, his words perfectly clear and precise. “Until I scream,” he said again, looking at me as if he was going to be sick.

 

I smiled at him giddily, still drunk and careless. “Until you scream,” I said with a hiccup.

 

Dom paled, sitting away from me and shaking his head. “Do you hear yourself right now?” he asked with a whisper. He was putting distance between the two of us, which troubled me. I moved closer and closer, reaching out to touch his hip, which he swatted away. “Don’t touch me!”

 

In my still dazed and drunk state, something clicked, and I knew something wasn’t right. “What’s wrong?” I mumbled, trying to move forward again and touch him. He pushed me away and stood up.

 

“Listen to yourself!” he exclaimed. There were tears in his eyes, and he was... Shaking? “Do you know what you’re saying right now, Matthew?!”

 

I stared in confusion as the blonde walked around the table, picking his boxers up from the floor with trembling hands.

 

“You of all people!” he exclaimed, tears running from his eyes.

 

“What the fuck did I do?” I asked, now beginning to sober up a bit. I could tell something was very wrong, something I’d done, but I was still way too drunk to know. “I didn’t say anything, Dom! Calm down!”

 

Dom’s entire body trembled when I said that. “I’m gonna be sick,” he whispered, moving down the hall to the toilet. The door slammed shut, and I heard the unmistakable sound of gagging.

 

I was worried, and moved outside the door, knocking softly. “Dom?”

 

“Don’t talk to me!” came a scream before more sick noises. “Just, go. I don’t want to see you right now.”

 

I stumbled backwards, his words hitting me sharply in the heart. He didn’t want me. I’d done something terrible, and I was too fucking drunk to even know what it was that I’d done to upset him so much. My throat ran dry and I turned around, leaving the blonde to be sick in the toilet. I stumbled past the sofa and table, looking at the empty champagne bottles and my clothes with disgust. Soldier was staring at me from under my piano stool, his eyes wide with worry.

 

“Go away,” I mumbled, tears filling my eyes. He whined, standing up and moving to just outside the toilet door, headbutting the wall as he heard Dom crying inside. “He doesn’t want you,” I said. “Or me,” I added softly. I wiped at my eyes, noticing for the first time that night that I was crying. Shaking my head, I trudged up the stairs and into the empty bed. The sheets were still tangled from our battle with heat the previous night.

 

I didn’t bother brushing my teeth or washing my face; I simply crawled into the sheets and burrowed into the left side, leaving the right side of the bed empty for Dom in case he decided to join me. He never did that night.

 

I was stupid. I should’ve stopped drinking. Things were obviously getting out of control, I could understand that now. I repeated my words over and over again in my mind, crying as I realized what I did, the meaning behind them and how much they had hurt Dom. I want to fuck you hard until you scream. I hated myself for those nine words. I fucked up, breaking through the barriers Dom and I had established between us. All trust was gone as I had let my carelessness remind him of the worst night of his life. And it was all my fault.

 

As I tried to will my shaking body to sleep, my tears staining my pillow, I heard soft sounds from down the stairs - the closing of a toilet lid, the shuffling of feet on the floor, and eventually, a sound I had hoped to never hear again.

 

It had been so long since I’d slept alone, hearing Dom crying by himself downstairs. My heart was hurting, physically breaking in half inside my body. I wanted him next to me, but it was clear in that moment that he didn’t want me. For the first time in as long as I could remember, I fell asleep without Dom beside me.

 

~

 

I woke up alone. My eyes were puffy and my head was pounding, but my body nearly leapt from the bed and raced downstairs to check on Dom and apologize for my absolute stupidity. The sofa was empty, the blankets were strewn across the floor, and Soldier was whining. My mouth ran dry as I eyed a small note sitting on the table beside the empty champagne bottles.

 

I’m sorry.

-Dom

 

My heart sank and the ground suddenly met my body as I fell to the floor. I clutched the blanket, still smelling his scent on it and crying harshly. Soldier was still whining, and I pounded my head into the ground, waiting for my skull to crack open so I could die.

 

I choked out a sob, unable to breathe before quickly turning my head to the side and throwing up all over the floor. It was the end. I physically felt all happiness rush from my body, and I was suddenly fifteen again, alone.

 

I was alone. I lost him.


	28. Chapter 28

My whole body, my entire being, was screaming at me to get off the floor. I laid for hours, my head heavy from alcohol and my body broken with emotion that I couldn’t express. I felt completely dead, like a train had hit my body and was dragging me along the rail for miles on end.

 

The smell of the mess I’d made after being sick on the floor should’ve made me get up, but I couldn’t will myself to. I curled up and clutched the only thing I could think to hold at that moment: the blanket Dom had slept with the night before. I couldn’t cry, my eyes dry and my body heaving with sobs that never quite came. The house was hot again, and I could hear Soldier panting and aimlessly wandering around the house, whining every time he reached the front door. I weakly lifted my head, watching as he pawed at the baseboards, trying to somehow get out of the house.

 

“He’s gone, Soldier,” I said feebly. The German Shepherd walked over to me, and I could feel his wet muzzle trying to get between my arms and my face as I curled in on myself. He whined again, trying to prop my face up so I would look at him. “He’s gone!” I said again, sharply. He immediately left once I did that, and continued to sit by the front door, waiting for absolutely nothing.

 

A couple hours later, I was still on the ground, though I’d stood up a few times to use the toilet, let Soldier in the back yard, and also clean up my mess from being sick. I resorted to staying in as small of a ball as I could make my body, wrapping the blanket around my legs and shoulders even though it was warm in the house.

 

There was a knock on the door and Soldier started barking. I stared and the noise only got louder before more knocks came. I stood up, gagging as I swallowed the foul taste in my mouth.

 

“Matt!” came a woman’s voice from the other side of the door. I sighed, running a hand through my scraggly hair and went to open the door. “Matt why don’t you ever pick up your bloody mobile? I can see your car out front now open the damn- Oh my God.” Gloria stared at me, her jaw dropping immediately to the floor as I swung open the door and her eyes reached my face. “What happened?” she whispered. I shrugged my shoulders and remained silent, letting her inside. She looked around, saw Soldier pacing and the blanket and champagne bottles. “Where is Dom?”

 

I didn’t say anything.

 

“Matthew...”

 

I sat on the edge of the sofa, eyeing my reflection in the telly and cringing. My hair was matted and my facial hair looked like that of a homeless person who hadn’t bathed or showered in months. I looked lifeless, my eyes rid of the bright blue they usually possessed and my skin so pale I could’ve been a ghost.

 

I swallowed harshly, trying to ignore my appearance. I stared at Gloria. “He’s gone.”

 

“What?” Her face turned. “Gone?”

 

I nodded. “He left this morning.”

 

“Jesus Christ...” Gloria stared at me as I avoided her eyes, toying with a pillow that was sitting on the sofa. “Are- Are you okay?”

 

“Do I look okay?!” I suddenly snapped. Gloria flinched, backing away slightly and I shook my head. “I’m sorry,” I said, softly. “I’m so sorry.”

 

“Matthew.” She sat down beside me on the sofa and laid a hand on my shoulder. “Can you tell me what happened? Are you okay to talk about it?”

 

“I don’t know,” I whispered, staring at her. Fear was crawling into me as I tried to recall the previous night. Why had I screamed at him? Why had I acted that way? Being drunk was no excuse; I knew more than any other person just how fragile Dom was. I had seen him at his worst, the point where his life was nearly at its end and I could’ve chosen to break that final brick and end it. I didn’t have to stop that night and hold his hand during what he probably thought were going to be some of his last breaths. But I did, and in that moment, we were sealed; I had to take care of him. I had to look out for him and make sure he was never hurt again. And I didn’t. I failed. I put my head between my hands and immediately began shaking.

 

“What did you do?” she asked carefully. I felt her hand pressing into my back, and I shut my eyes to let a shuddery breath out between my lips. “Just breathe, Matthew,” she said calmly, stroking between my shoulder blades. “Breathe.”

 

“I can’t,” I choked out, falling forward again and dry heaving. She leaped from the sofa, just in time as I gagged, puking pure alcohol onto the cushions.

 

I watched with blurry eyes as she ran into the kitchen then came back a few seconds later with a wet washcloth and a roll of paper towels, as well as a bottle of fabric cleaner.

 

“Here,” she said quietly, handing me the washcloth. “Put this over your forehead, you’re looking very clammy.” She wrinkled her nose, then looked at the empty champagne bottles that were still sitting out. “Did you...?”

 

I gave her a weak nod, gladly accepting the cold washcloth. My body felt like it had been hit by a truck. I wasn’t sure if I had a proper hangover, or if I was completely sick from everything that had happened with Dom. The fact that it was late in the day and I felt even worse than I had earlier gave me the impression that this wasn’t the alcohol’s doing.

 

“I hate myself,” I whispered.

 

“Matthew. Tell me what happened.”

 

I stared at Gloria for at least a minute, internalizing all my hate for myself. Facts only. I couldn’t bring my over emotional side into it, because that would only make her feel sympathy for me. I didn’t deserve sympathy. In fact, I deserved the polar opposite; I deserved to be completely shot down. Every word from Dom, as short and hurtful as they were, I deserved. Facts only, I told myself. Don’t tell her anything else.

 

“We were drunk,” I started, swallowing sharply. I realized how raw my throat was, dry and scraped up from everything. “We were drunk and I came onto him.”

 

“Okay,” she whispered, stroking my arm when I choked again. “It’s okay, take your time.”

 

“I was so harsh, Gloria. I said the vilest thing.”

 

“Did you apologize?”

 

“No,” I said, wiping at my dry eyes. I wanted to cry, to show myself I wasn’t as numb as I felt, but nothing happened every time I willed the tears. “I didn’t.”

 

Gloria shut her eyes, taking a deep breath. “Matthew-”

 

“I practically raped him all over again!” I suddenly shouted, standing up and pulling at the greasy strands of my hair. I paced back and forth as Gloria stared at me with her jaw down. “I said those terrible things to him and I should’ve been able to tell I said something wrong but I just kept on saying things!” I heaved, falling forward onto the sofa. I heard Gloria breathing sharply and she didn’t put her hand on my shoulder again.

 

“What did you say to him?” she finally asked. I could hear the tension in her voice, and at that moment I would’ve given anything to not tell her. I didn’t want her to know how disgusting of a person I was, how I pushed the one I love into a place so far that I wasn’t sure if I’d even see his face ever again.

 

“I can’t say it,” I whispered, sitting on the edge of the sofa and beginning to tremble. “I can’t.”

 

She took a deep breath, staring at me as I looked down at my socked feet. “I’m afraid I can’t help you then,” she said softly. She looked at her wristwatch and lightly put her hand on my shoulder. “I’m sorry Matthew. I have to go, okay?”

 

I nodded, taking a big but shuddery breath.

 

“Call me if things get bad. I’m going to cancel your students for this upcoming week. I think you’re going to need some time.”

 

“Okay,” I said, squeezing my eyes shut and shaking. “Yeah. Thank you.”

 

Gloria nodded and I watched with heavy eyes as she moved down the hall and to the front door, giving Soldier a pat on the head and kiss on the muzzle as she passed him. Just before leaving she turned to me once more.

 

“I’m still not sure what happened and how bad this is,” she told me. “But if it’s as serious as I think it is, you might want to consider getting some professional help.”

 

And then she left. The door was shut and I heard her car speeding away before I could even react.

 

Professional help. Although it was some time ago, my parents’ death was still fresh in my memory, as well as the therapist I had seen twice a week every week for years after their murder. The thought of seeing a shrink again terrified me. Even when I had had to drive Dominic to his, memories of my depression had come flooding back, and I wasn’t sure if I was ready for them to come again in full force.

 

Not that they weren’t already. Before Dom, before the greatest thing that ever happened to me, I was very lonely. Yes, I had Soldier, but still, I lacked social interaction. I went to sleep early, slept in late, stayed in bed all day, went to work, talked to very few people, and that was it. When I walked at night I was always alone except for Soldier. I was left with my thoughts only, and sometimes those thoughts would turn destructive. The mind is a dangerous thing.

 

I think, in a way, Dom saved me. I never thought about anything being wrong with my life before, but then he came and I realized how much I was missing out on, how much I had yet to live and breathe and experience. It took me over thirty years to finally figure out that I didn’t need to hide away all the time. After finally living, I realized that even after I stopped seeing therapist, I had still been depressed. I never had bad thoughts, but I avoided everyone. I blamed myself for anything that ever went wrong. I was hidden away in my little house with no one. Even my own family - Paul, Elena, Corrine, and Sarah - was far away from me, which was my own doing.

 

It was all coming back. I was retreating back into my shell of safety and self-comfort. The thought of seeing anyone left a sour in my mouth and before I knew it, I was sick again.

 

I fell to the floor again, my whole body heaving with dry sobs again. I felt Soldier’s paw against me, his body shuffling to try and be closer. He whined, pushing me with his nose.

 

“No,” I said softly. He pawed at my hand and I pushed him away. “No, Soldier.” I buried my head back into my arms before he gave a soft bark. I lifted my head, big brown eyes staring into my blue ones. How badly I wished they were grey eyes staring at me instead of brown. I blinked and Soldier jumped up, running toward the front door and whining again. “He’s not coming back,” I said for what felt like the millionth time that day. “Just let it go.”

 

I didn’t know who I was talking to, the dog or myself. I told myself I was directing the statement to Soldier, but in the depths of my brain, I knew I wasn’t. I needed reassurance, although I certainly didn’t deserve it.

 

Soldier pawed at me again, his actions persistent enough to finally bring me to my feet after what must have been another hour or so spent on the floor, trying to cry but never being successful.

 

“Do you want to go for a walk? Is that what you want?” I asked.

 

He laid down again, looking intently at the front door. I could see it in his posture that he was confused. His expression seemed to be asking me a question. In that moment, I wished so much that I could talk to him, if only to have a second opinion on everything that went down. I wanted someone to tell me that it wasn’t all my fault, but I knew that definitely wasn’t true. It was all my fault. I was the only one to blame.

 

I thought back to Dom crying and I felt like I could be sick any second again. I did that to him. Those tears, I caused them. The heart wrenching sobs I heard until I fell asleep, those were my doing. The pain I felt myself when I read his note in the morning, that was all because of me. I simultaneously caused myself and my lover so much unbearable affliction that it tore him away from me. Our story was ripped apart from simple words. Words that I would never be able to take back.

 

It was simple; I hated myself. The rest of that day, every time I glanced at myself in the mirror, I wanted nothing more than to take a knife and destroy myself from the outside in. I deserved destruction in the most painful ways, but was too weak to actually do anything. Instead, I settled for internal destruction.

 

My mind became dangerous again. I lost Dom, so it was finally true that no one needed me anymore. I could hide again, be the uninteresting, low-life, boring person I truly was on the inside. It was apparent that the life I had with Dominic was too good to last. Everything had been too perfect and I should have seen it coming. I should’ve stopped drinking the second I realized things were started to get a bit heavier. There were so many things I should’ve done differently. But I didn’t, and I was paying for it with every bit of my heart.

 

I screamed out, pounding my fists onto the kitchen table and slamming my head into the wood. I felt a trickle of blood run down my forehead and half heartedly wiped it away. I deserved to bleed.

 

Soldier sniffed at my leg, seeming worried, but I simply ignored him. I couldn’t even harness enough energy to lift my head; all the blood was rushing in an avalanche of pounding persistence. I finally managed to get up and find my mobile, which was sitting by my piano from where I’d left it the previous night when Kelly and Chris had come over. It seemed like centuries ago.

 

I scrolled through Gloria’s six voicemails and a few text messages from Tom. I didn’t even want to think about the scraggly brunette at that point, assuming that was where Dom was staying for the time being. My only focuses were human necessities. I ordered in a single order of chow mein to be delivered to the house; I was in no shape to go outside. Receiving the food from the delivery boy was bad enough, my greasy hair and red eyes probably giving off the appearance that I hadn’t seen daylight, a shower, or proper sleep in weeks.

 

“Thank you,” I said softly, throwing a few notes at the boy and trying not to notice or dwell on the fact that he had blonde hair and grey eyes. I brought my food with me into the kitchen and sat down at the table, immediately feeling ill when I spotted an unopened bottle of champagne in the middle of the runner. I walked it quickly to the refrigerator and hid it behind a gallon of milk and a carton of eggs, hoping never to see it ever again.

 

The Chinese food was mediocre, having little taste as the noodles slid down my throat. I thought about all the times Dom and I had ordered Chinese on a lazy night in, the comfort food almost always resulting in slow, domestic sex. They were nights Dom and I always made fun of the morning after, how we were so young but already partaking in what some couples would call “lame” sex.

 

I would’ve given anything to have domestic sex with Dominic again.

 

As I threw the carry out carton into the rubbish bin and poured some food into Soldier’s dog bowl, I felt ill again, running to the toilet and emptying my stomach of the first real food I’d eaten in about a day. It kept coming, the familiar burn now almost comforting. I reminded myself that I deserved it, and for that reason, I encouraged the burn.

 

I needed to be empty. Emotionally, I already was, diving deep down into the depression I had somehow avoided the past few months with Dominic. But he was gone, and I had to find a physical way of letting myself know that it was all over. As I knelt on the cold tile floor and pressed my cheek into the toilet seat, letting its coolness calm my clammy forehead, I ran through everything in my head, purging it out until I was completely bare, just skin and bones and organs and nothing else.

 

I was stripped of everything. Bare naked, like a traitor on public display to be mocked and punished. Before I knew what I was doing, I picked up my keys and moved through the house and out the front door, locking it behind me.

 

I walked. It was night. I was alone and isolated, heading to a part of London I hadn’t walked through in months. The Thames was just as I had left it, the sky dark just as I had left it, the side streets empty and unforgiving just as I had left them. An alleyway. A blood stain. A book store. The place I’d left my old life. I sat down gently, touching the concrete where I had held Dom’s hand. Sitting up harshly, I bent my head to the side and was sick one last time, purging myself of every emotion I still held in my body, before curling up in the middle of the alleyway and finally, finally allowing my tears to flow. I watched as they stained the ground where Dom’s blood had been. I closed my eyes, my body numb against the harsh ground, and cried myself to sleep, waiting for my angel to come to me.

  
He never did.


	29. Chapter 29

“Sir?”

 

“Sir can you hear us?”

 

“Mummy is he... Is he dead?”

 

“Angela, take James back to the car.”

 

“Be careful Jordan! He might be drunk.”

 

“I don’t think he is. He looks... Dead.”

 

“Pippa, come with me!”

 

My mind was a mix of different voices belonging to different people. The ground was hard and unforgiving against my body as I took shallow breaths and tried to gain composure and figure out what had happened. I flipped over, blinking my eyes to find a man around my age crouched on the ground and looking at me. He looked concerned and spoke with a gentle, yet strong Northern accent.

 

“You okay, mate?”

 

I lifted my head up, my eyes heavy as I stared at him, disoriented. “Where is Dom?” I mumbled.

 

“I think we need to get you to a hospital, you looked dead when we found you. Who is Dom?”

 

I sat up quickly and the man reached out to steady me. I shrieked, his hands startling and unforgiving against my broken body. “What did you do with Dom?” I wailed, attempting to claw him off and scratching him in the time being.

 

“Jordan, get away from him!” came a woman’s voice.

 

The man stepped back, putting space between us. I rose on shaky legs, trying to grab onto him as the first tears slipped from the corners of my eyes and ran down my cheeks. The man’s face began to distort until I had no idea what I was looking at anymore.

 

“I need Dom!” I cried out. I jumped forward and tried to hold onto his arm. He pushed me away, jumping back quickly. “You monster! Give me Dom!”

 

I felt a limb to my gut and was pushed to the ground. I fell backwards and clutched a spot beneath my ribs where I was hit as the monster in front of me pulled something from his pocket. I knelt to on the ground and sobbed, holding my bruised and hurt torso and wailing for him to give me Dom back. I didn’t know what happened, what he’d done with him, but all I knew was that I needed him to take me away from that awful place. What was I even doing on the ground in the first place? I should’ve been in my bed with Dom’s arms wrapped tightly around me.

 

I heard a voice, the monster that was once a man hovering in the corner and speaking softly on his mobile. His eyes never left me and I stared him down, watching his every move so that he wouldn’t attack me again.

 

“I don’t know, we just found him and he seemed calm at first then lashed out and asked about some bloke named Dom.”

 

Dom.

 

“Okay, yeah. I’ll try to calm him down. He might be on drugs or something. Okay, thanks a lot.”

 

I took shaky breaths as he approached me again, raising his hands so as not to hurt me. Or so it seemed. He couldn’t fool me.

 

“Hey, I’m just trying to help you,” he said softly. “I’ve called for an ambulance, yeah? What’s your name?”

 

I shook my head, swallowing thickly and backing up into the brick wall that I had laid beside all night. “Where is Dom?” I choked out.

 

“I don’t know who Dom is,” he whispered. I watched with alarmed eyes as his face slowly warped back into that of a man. “I just want to help you. I’m sure we’ll get Dom back, okay? Can you tell me your name though?”

 

“M-Matthew,” I stuttered, still hiding against the wall. The man was speaking to me like a child, but I had to admit I needed that. I had an outburst and I attacked him like a wild creature. That was worthy of being treated like a child for.

 

“Hello, Matthew. My name is Jordan. We’re getting you some help, okay?”

 

I nodded, tears running down my face. I tried to stop them but they came on like an unforgiving monsoon of emotion. Once again I fell to the ground and Jordan reached out to steady me, only this time I kept a clear mind and didn’t try to push him away. Two small children appeared from behind the dress of a woman who walked up behind Jordan, their eyes big like saucers as they saw a grown man breakdown on a side street in the middle of London.

 

“Hey,” said the woman softly. “You’re going to be okay.”

 

I shook my head, shaking and leaning back on the wall. I wanted to tell them everything, these kind strangers who had stopped their walk around the city to help me. But of course I could say nothing, only cry and wait for the unnecessary ambulance to show up. I trembled the entire time, an unknown fear forcing itself into my body and taking over every crevice, not allowing me to do anything but crouch down on the ground and only hope that the darkness would soon pass.

 

~

 

The poke of a needle in my arm was numbing. “Take a deep breath in,” the nurse had told me, though I knew the action was unnecessary. Even as she had to move the needle around a bit to find my vein, apologies flowing as she fished around for it, I felt nothing. What most hospital patients would find irritating and a bit painful, I didn’t even recognize. “You doing okay?” she asked, laying a hand on my shoulder.

 

I nodded blankly and continued to stare at the wall in front of me as I had been doing for the past few hours.

 

“Once these fluids are in you, you should be back to normal. Your brother is on his way.”

 

I nodded again and said a soft thank you to her as she moved the I.V. closer to the bed and pulled back the curtains, walking softly down the hall and to her next patient. What felt like hours but was probably only a few minutes later there was a tap on the door. I weakly confirmed that whoever it was could come in, and the door pushed open.

 

“Officer Nicholls,” I said softly when I recognized the man who walked in.

 

“Hey Matt.” The police officer spoke his words with carefulness as he pulled up a chair beside my bed and sat down in it. “You doing okay?”

 

“Yeah.”

 

“You don’t look it. You slept in an alleyway in the middle of London and attacked a man when he tried to help you this morning. What the fuck happened to you?”

 

“Dom left.”

 

“I’ve already gathered that from the family’s statement.”

 

I sniffled, wiping my nose on my sleeve and trying not to cry in front of Officer Nicholls. “Am I in trouble?” I asked in a small voice.

 

“No, Matt,” he whispered. “You’re not in trouble. The family isn’t pressing any charges, they’re only concerned about your well being. You are very lucky that it was them who found you and not someone else.”

 

“I know,” I said softly. It hit me just how fucked up of a situation I had put myself into, all because of my carelessness. There was something I really needed to ask the man, although it would be a tender subject. “Where’s Dom?”

 

Officer Nicholls sighed, his eyes downfallen and dark. “I don’t know, Matt.”

 

My heart stopped and I felt my lungs tighten for a second.

 

“I contacted Tom, Daniel, anyone he may have been in contact with, but there are no traces of him.”

 

“Fuck,” I whispered.

 

“He hasn’t used any of his cards or his cell phone since two days ago-”

 

“The day he left,” I interrupted.

 

“I’m so sorry. Matt, I’m trying, so hard. I really put my heart and my soul into his case, but there’s nothing. His past is already so broken and cracked that, in all honesty, we don’t really know anything. Nothing from his rape case is helping. This” -Officer Nicholls waved around the hospital room as if to implicate the whole situation - “has just made things worse. I’ve no idea where he could’ve gone, and legally, I can’t look for him. Even contacting Tom and Daniel and looking at his credit cards and phone records is putting my job at risk. He could be back on the streets already for all I know.”

 

“No!” I screamed, shocking myself with my vocality. I began to shake as I realized how much energy the loud noise had taken from my body. “No,” I said again, softer. “He wouldn’t do that. He can’t do that.”

 

“It’s his choice, Matt. He’s an adult. Legally, there’s nothing I can do.”

 

“Fucking missing persons!” I exclaimed, tears running down my cheeks. “Can’t you put a report in or something?!”

 

“No,” he said calmly. “We can’t. A man leaving a lover and a missing person are two very different things.”

 

“But he was more than a lover,” I choked.

 

“I know.” He rested his hand on my shoulder and I didn’t have the heart nor the energy to shrug it off. “I’m going to keep trying, okay? His case hit me hard, and I won’t give up. As an officer, there’s nothing I can do. But as a friend, I will do all I can. I promise.”

 

“Thank you Officer Nicholls,” I said quietly.

 

“Please, call me Morgan.” I nodded, and he grasped my hand one more time before leaving the room, holding the door open as the nurse came back in to check my I.V.

 

An hour or so later there was a tap on the door and I glanced up. Paul was standing in the doorway, his eyes red and swollen. He shook his head as he slowly walked toward me

 

“Matt.” His voice broke on the ‘t’, and I swallowed my tears as he kneeled next to me and put his head down, holding my hand. “When Officer Nicholls called I thought you were dead,” he choked.

 

“I’m sorry, Paul.”

 

“None of that bullshit, Matt!” he exclaimed. “Do you know how much you scared me, my family? Sarah won’t come out of her room, Elena is beside herself, and Corrine can’t even speak she’s so upset! You have a lot of explaining and apologizing to do.” His words were harsh and they cut right through my skin, piercing my already broken heart and just adding to the numb pain that I was beginning to be familiar with.

 

“I’m so sorry,” I whispered, crying into my hand and trying not to look my brother in the face.

 

“Matt,” he said again. “Do you see how bad you are already?”

 

“Yes!” I shouted, pulling my hands from my eyes and clawing at my scalp with my nails, drawing blood and ripping a few hairs out. “I’m fucking fucked up, Paul! I don’t even remember leaving the fucking house last night and then I fucking wake up in the alleyway where I found Dom and then there’s a bloke staring at me only he’s not a man he’s a fucking monster! I attacked him and I can barely fucking recall it! I’m lucky to be alive!”

 

Paul took a deep breath, looking up at the ceiling so as to try and calm himself down. I was frantic, my hand tapping insistently on my thigh until Paul reached out to steady me. “Shh shh, it’s okay,” he said softly. “Calm down, Matt.”

 

“I can’t,” I sobbed, falling forward onto myself and choking back tears. I felt Paul’s arms wrap around me and stroke down my back, and as brotherly and supportive as it felt, almost like a father, the hug was nothing compared to the kinds Dom gave. Or used to give.

 

“Hey, look at me,” Paul said, lifting my chin up to look at him. I wiped a few tears away and tried not to break down again as he gave me the smallest of smiles, though it was solemn and melancholy. “Let’s get you signed out and go back to your house, yeah? We can pack up a few of your things and you can move in with Elena and me for a while, just to get things settled, okay?”

 

“I can’t leave London.”

 

“Matt, I can’t let you just stay here. You will destroy yourself if you’re left alone; we’ve been down that path before. Let’s get you back to Teignmouth for a bit and you can see a therapist and just relax.”

 

“I don’t want that, Paul,” I said with a shake of my head.

 

“You need it though. I can’t let you get to the way you were after Mum and Dad died, I just can’t. You’re already heading down that path again, I can see it.”

 

“How do you know?” I challenged.

 

“You just said so yourself! Matt, I’m sorry, but you’re fucked up. No one just wanders from their house like that and attacks people like that. You need help.”

 

I glared at him for what must’ve been at least a full minute before finally breaking down the wall around me. “I know,” I whispered. I looked at Paul who was blurry from the tears that were gathering in my eyes again. “Please help me.”

 

“I will,” he said. “We all will. Me, Elena, Sarah, Corrine, Officer Nicholls, we’re all here for you. I promise.”

 

“Thank you,” I whispered.

 

Paul sighed and stroked my back one more time. “It’s going to be okay. You ready to get going? We’ve got a long drive back to Teignmouth.”

 

“We’re leaving tonight?” I asked.

 

“Yeah. I’ve already called Gloria and told her you’re taking a leave of absence.”

 

“Without my consent?”

 

“Yes, Matthew. It’s for the best. Now let’s go.”

 

I allowed myself to be led from the bed, through the hospital, and out the door into the car park, and although physically I was with Paul the entire time, I left my heart in the alleyway where Dom’s blood had been stained.

 

~

 

Soldier was right where I had left him the previous night, and I felt terrible. As I opened up the front door, he was right there sitting on his haunches, loyally waiting for me.

 

“Hey Soldier,” I said softly, bending down to bury my face into his fur and hold him tight. His muzzle turned and his tongue darted out to lick my ear, giving me the faintest of smiles.

 

Paul reached out and scratched the dog’s ears, patting him on his bum when he turned around to head back into the house, now aware that I was safe and that things would go back to what he defined in his brain as normal. I watched as he walked down the hall, passing the wall where Dom and I had started the map of our relationship through photographs. My stomach churned as I saw the most recent one, taken less than a week earlier at dinner. “Should we get started?” Paul asked upon seeing my smile disappear as quickly as it had appeared.

 

I nodded, following my brother upstairs so I could quickly pack my things and get away from the house which I was sure would end up harming me if I stayed in it for too long without Dom. I was quick to pile my necessary clothes into bags and box up just a few personal items.

 

“Boxers?” Paul asked as I got ready to zip up my bag.

 

I sighed. I’d specifically avoided going into the drawer for my boxers, because it was a drawer I’d shared with Dom. Just the thought of opening it up and seeing his clothes and smelling his scent on them would be enough to throw me back into the river. But I had to do it.

 

Taking a deep breath, I opened up the drawer, trying to avoid looking at the right side where I knew Dom’s things were. I quickly grabbed a few pairs of shorts and made to quickly shut the drawer before something caught my eye. Trying to ignore the fact that they screamed Dom’s name at me like a maniac, I pushed aside a pair of his boxers and looked at the bottom of the drawer. I was not surprised by the dildo there, nor the box of condoms we’d never used, nor the handcuffs we’d used once and immediately decided we weren’t a fan of. With shaky hands, I pushed those items aside and withdrew a few pieces of paper which were bound together by a single staple. I quietly shut the drawer and slipped them into my messenger bag.

 

“I’m ready,” I said to Paul softly. He nodded, hitching one of my bags up onto his shoulder and leading the way down the stairs. With a double check that everything was locked up and safe, I shut the door of my London home, Soldier in tow, and turned my back on what was now the most vivid memory of the second worst evening in my life.

 

~

 

The drive to Teignmouth had never seemed longer, and I twitched the whole way there. When Paul stopped for petrol, I let myself take a small walk around to stretch my muscles and try and get away from the thoughts that had been cramming my mind in the claustrophobic car for the previous hour and a half.

 

By the time we reached the house, the numb feeling was settling in again. I couldn’t cry nor speak. I didn’t bother saying hello to my nieces nor my sister in law, heading straight for my room and locking the door behind me. I quickly put my things in the wardrobe before shuffling through my messenger bag to find the papers I’d put there earlier.

 

Taking them out, I took a huge sigh, studying the cheap lines on the paper and the familiar scribbled handwriting, illegible to almost everyone’s eyes but mine. There were only two different entries on the paper, dated a few weeks back, the second entry dated three days after the first one.

 

I wiped a stray tear away as I began reading.

 

_14th April 2013_

 

_Umm, I’m not really sure what to write here, because no one is seeing this, yeah? I feel utterly stupid, but I guess it’s good to get my thoughts down sometimes. Although right now, they’re only good thoughts. I really never thought I’d be in love with someone. Intimacy is such a hard concept for me to grasp, because I’ve never had it before. But he gives that to me._

 

_I love him so much. In fact, ‘love’ is too broad of a word. I live for him. I don’t know what it is about him, his gentleness, his dorkiness, his sexiness? Those last two words shouldn’t go together, but with him they really do. One minute he’s returning home from work with his lopsided tie and his colorful socks peeking from the bottom hem of his trousers, then the next he’s a slim body beneath mine, his angles giving off shadows in our bedroom as we make love and he sings my name._

 

_He’s the most beautiful man I’ve ever met, and I know that sounds incredibly gay, but it’s no shocker that he is literally the perfect person to me. I mean, it’s only been about five months, if that, but they’ve been the best five months of my life. Yeah, that also sounds kind of lame._

 

_I can’t put it into words. I really can’t. I planned on making this longer, as kind of a letter of worship to him. Perhaps I’ll give this to him one day, when we’re older and maybe we’ve started a life together in a new house, maybe a family of our own. I don’t know. Anything could happen. All I know is that with as much as I love him, it’s impossible for me to leave him._

 

My heart stopped at the last seven words of that particular paragraph, and I couldn’t make myself read on. I had to stop.

 

I folded the papers up and threw them into the back of the wardrobe, slamming the door shut in an attempt to eliminate them from my memory.

  
He left, so maybe he never really did love me.


	30. Chapter 30

The cheap fabric on the chairs and the half-arsed attempts at decorating the small room I sat in only spurred my depression further into darkness. Elena was sat next to me, reading a culinary magazine with her leg crossed over her knee. I fiddled with my tee shirt and ran my hand through my too-long hair, making a mental note to at least try and get it cut at some point in the next week. The bright, disproportionate paintings on the walls made me angry, and the annoying click of the secretary’s mouse and keyboard left an annoying ache in my forehead above my eye.

 

“How do kebabs on the barbecue sound for dinner tonight?” Elena suddenly asked me in a soft voice. “We could pick up some chicken on the way home and invite Miriam’s family over.”

 

I shrugged, indifferent. Food didn’t taste like anything to me; it was just another thing I needed to survive, and at that point, survival was kind of something I didn’t really want.

 

“Matt, please help me out. You’ve barely eaten since you’ve been here, and it’s been two weeks.”

 

“I know,” I muttered, tapping my hand on my jumpy knee and praying the therapist would come out soon so I could escape the conversation with Elena. Truth be told, I hadn’t eaten a full meal since the night with the Wolstenholmes, and any food I had eaten since then my stomach had quickly gotten rid of. It was like my body knew that I didn’t deserve the nutrition I was giving it.

 

Elena was typing on her mobile when the therapist came out. “Matthew?” she called softly, and I stood up quickly to avoid any more talk with Elena about dinner. Being forced to socialize with people I didn’t know wasn’t going to help me heal any more quickly. I smiled shyly at the therapist as she gestured down the hall toward the closed door, though I doubt my face showed any emotions at all. “First session should take about 75 minutes,” she said to Elena, who then nodded.

 

“I’m going to pick some things up at Tesco then. I’ll be waiting when you’re done.”

 

I nodded and watched as she left the waiting room, then followed the therapist into the room.

 

“Go ahead and make yourself comfortable wherever you’d like,” she said softly, gesturing to the sofa and two armchairs in the middle of the room. I chose one of the armchairs and sat down, being careful not to make myself too comfortable. I had a look around the room while the therapist - Lanie was her name if I remembered correctly from when she introduced herself only minutes before - went behind a divider and gathered a few things. The room was less plain and headache inducing than the waiting area; the walls were decorated with calming colors and black and white photographs that looked to have been taken all over the world. There was a clock ticking on the wall, but it was not ticking in an annoying sense. The chair I was sat in was comfortable, and the overall environment of the room was calm. I let myself relax into the cushions as she sat across from me on the plain leather sofa, crossing her leg over her knee. “So the man I spoke with over the phone, your brother, right?”

 

I nodded, scratching absentmindedly at an invisible spot on my trousers. “Older brother, yeah,” I said quietly.

 

“It’s very rare that phone consultations happen with siblings,” she said. “Usually it’s with the patient or their parent or legal guardian.”

 

“I wasn’t really in any condition to talk, I think.”

 

She nodded, her eyes studying me, and she scribbled something down on her notepad. Left handed, I noticed. Just like Dom. “Do you think therapy is something you need? Or are you just doing this to make him happy?”

 

I shrugged, picking at my thumbnail.

 

“Do you think you’ll benefit from therapy?” I shrugged again, and she leaned back in the sofa. “How about you tell my why you think you’re here. Your reason for coming might be different from your brother’s. I want to know everything. Typical stuff, Paul told me you’ve seen therapists before so of course you know everything is confidential unless you’re harming yourself or others.”

 

“All I know is that I’m really messed up,” I whispered.

 

She seemed taken aback for a second, but was quick to regain her composure. “What makes you say that?”

 

“Because everything went to shit.”

 

“What happened, Matthew?”

 

“I lost him.” I shook my head, feeling tears gather already. Was I really that pathetic? “I’m sorry,” I choked out. “I’m so sorry.”

 

“Take your time,” she said softly, handing me a box of tissues which I accepted. “There’s no rush.”

 

I nodded and squeezed my eyes shut tightly. I brought my hand up to my forehead and rubbed at my temple. There was a loud, high pitched ringing that started in my ear drum and spread to my entire head, and the room started spinning, Lanie’s face going in and out of focus.

 

“Matthew?”

 

“I’m sorry,” I said quickly, blinking to try and focus again. The ringing was still there, seeming to bounce back and forth across the walls of my skull. “I can’t, I’m sorry. I can’t.” I began to blackout, her face dissipating and warping into tiny pixels of grey like the man in the alleyway. I was becoming lost again.

 

Lanie’s calming voice somehow reached through the ringing in my mind as I shut my eyes and leaned back into the armchair, being swallowed up by black and grey. I didn’t really register what she was saying, but something about the smoothness of the syllables she spoke as they floated from her mouth was calming, letting me know that I was okay, that I was safe. I didn’t feel safe, but she reminded me I was, luring me away from the darkness. Her face cleared up again, recognizable. It was in that moment that I knew she was good. She was on my side.

 

A tear slipped from my eye and I quickly wiped it away before she could see. I directed my gaze to the wall behind her, avoiding her brown eyes and soft wrinkles. I told her.

 

I told her about my mum and dad, about uni, about teaching, and about Dom. I didn’t hear the words as I spoke them, and I knew I was leaving out specifics. In fact, the things I told Lanie that day were barely even the basics. It was like I was summing up our story with the simplest of terms, alleyway, rape, safety, recovery, care, kisses, love, sex, perfection, drinking, fighting, loneliness.

 

By the time I was done telling her everything that had happened, our time for the day was up. Really, I hadn’t said much. Besides explaining to Lanie my past, I only covered the past six months, my life being pretty much irrelevant up until the day I found Dom. Still, I often had to take breaks in telling her our story; sometimes I spoke too quickly and found myself unable to breathe, or a certain memory would pop into my mind and I would have to take a few minutes to calm down and try not to become too upset.

 

I stared at Lanie, breathing quietly to myself as she wrote things down on her notepad then stood up. I wasn’t sure what to think, if I should’ve said anything else, added any last comments. Instead, I stayed quiet, nodding when she confirmed the same day and time for the following week.

 

Just before heading out the door, she spoke softly to me once more. “I’m going to try my hardest to make you better, Matthew,” she said. “But I can’t do it all by myself. My job is to guide you down the right path, and for me to do that, you have to make some decisions by yourself. Please don’t give up on yourself this early.”

 

“I’ll try,” I whispered.

 

She nodded, giving me the faintest of smiles. “I’ll see you next week then.”

 

I glanced at her one last time then pushed open the door to find Elena waiting for me, a bag of vegetables and boneless chicken at her feet.

 

“I got things for dinner,” she said. “Ready to get going?”

 

I shrugged, indifferent, and followed her out the door and to the car, leaving the synthetic environment behind me, craving the privacy and peacefulness of my room.

 

~

 

“Is Uncle Matt coming out?”

 

I heard Corrine’s voice from behind the bedroom door and burrowed further into my shell of sheets and pillows. Sarah’s muffled voice was what I heard next.

 

“Not tonight, Corrine. He’s really sick.”

 

“But who am I going to play with? And I need to give him his birthday present!” Her small, frail voice broke my heart, and I hated myself for not having the guts to go out and just spend one evening with my family and what was quickly becoming my niece's second family. I knew it was breaking Elena and Paul to watch me go down this path yet again, and for Sarah to witness it at a much more mature age. Still, I couldn’t do anything.

 

“Miriam and I will play with you, yeah?”

 

“But, I want Uncle Matt.” Her voice was broken with sobs.

 

There was a sigh on the other side of the door then footsteps. A light tapping came on my door next. “Uncle Matt? Come on, it’s your birthday! We made pasta, and you didn’t get to meet Miriam’s family last time they were here.”

 

I rubbed at my tired eyes and got up, pacing across the floor and cracking the door slightly to peek my head out and look at Sarah, her now bright red hair spiked up in a million and one directions.

 

“Please,” she pleaded, her eyes desperate and sad. “They’re so important to me, and I want them to meet you.”

 

“I can’t, Sarah,” I whispered, silently cursing myself.

 

“Just for a half hour, please! Corrine spent all afternoon baking cakes with Mum, so please join us, for her!”

 

I pressed my fingers into my temple, fighting the darkness that was threatening to take over my vision again. I blinked to find Sarah staring at me, a wide and questioning expression filling her face. God, I felt so guilty. Every part of me was just riddled with regret and guilt, and I felt like there was no way for me to get rid of it.

 

“I don’t know what to do, Sarah,” I said.

 

“Try not think about it. Please, just for tonight. Enjoy your birthday, meet Miriam’s family, spend time with us. Please.”

 

“But Dom isn’t here,” I whispered.

 

“Hey, that’s okay. It’s going to be okay,” she coaxed. “You’re going to get him back, I promise you. But tonight, please come out for a bit.”

 

I eyed her warily, and she took my hand in hers, giving a bit of a tug. Miriam appeared behind her, giving me a look that was supportive but also a bit sad. Reluctantly, I let myself be pulled from the room. My appearance was a mess; it’d been a few days since I last shaved, my hair was sporadic, and my clothes were baggy and unappealing. Nevertheless, I owed them. Being cooped up in my room for three weeks straight was no way to show my family that I loved them.

 

“Uncle Matt!” Corrine squealed when I appeared in the kitchen. She attached herself to my leg and squeezed tightly, and I let out the smallest of smiles. She jumped up and down and released me, pulling me toward the countertop. “Look what Mum and I made for you!” Her voice was filled with excitement and enthusiasm, so I knew I couldn’t mope about with her like that. It would break her little heart.

 

The cakes were delicate little things, frosted with red and white frosting. It was obvious which ones were frosted by Elena and which ones were frosted by Corrine, and for the first time in weeks, my heart actually felt whole again.

 

“They’re beautiful, Corrine,” I said with a smile.

 

“Yay!” she exclaimed, skipping through the kitchen excitedly.

 

Elena gave me a look that told me I’d better keep up the positive image, at least for the night. Corrine made it so it wasn’t quite as hard to fake happiness. Her glowing personality and enthusiasm for even the littlest things was hard to stay away from, and could make even the most depressed person give a smile or two. I wasn’t sure how long I could keep it up, though.

 

Sarah and Miriam took me outside to the garden, where Paul and another couple were sitting at the outside table while Elena and Corrine stayed inside to finish getting dinner ready.

 

“This is William and Amy,” Sarah said, gesturing to the couple. “They’re Miriam’s parents.”

 

“Hello,” I said politely. I moved forward to shake both their hands. My handshake was probably pretty weak, but at least it was a sign of friendliness.

 

“It’s so nice to meet you,” Amy exclaimed, twirling her tight curls in between her fingers, which were similar to her daughter’s. “I know you’re very important to Sarah, and, well, she’s become very important to us these past few months!”

 

I could practically hear Sarah and Miriam blushing beside me, and I let out a small giggle before sitting down at the table next to Paul.

 

Dinner actually went okay; the pasta was amazing, Miriam’s parents were very sweet, and the cakes were delicious. As we all settled at the table, Sarah and Miriam playing a game of catch with Corrine and Soldier in the garden, things took a turn. I was stirring my honey into my tea when William asked a very innocent, but scarring question.

 

“So Matt, do you live alone?”

 

My spoon clattered to the table and I heard Paul take a very sharp breath beside me, tension suspending itself dangerously in the air above us.

 

“I’m just curious, Paul told me you’re just staying in Teignmouth for a little while, but your house is in London, am I correct?”

 

Please stop, please stop, please stop.

 

I lifted my hand, seeing it tremble in front of me. The darkness was coming again, that strange sensation when someone’s face would warp into that of something that is definitely not human. William seemed like he was going to ask something else, but upon seeing me, his mouth was quickly closed. It was a struggle to breathe with my lungs suddenly constricting, requiring me to force air into myself with deep, exasperated hiccups.

 

“Matt,” Paul soothed next to me, his hand being placed on my shoulder. “Breathe. You’re okay.”

 

I cried out, his hand like an ember on my skin, burning me. I was shaking terribly and it felt like there were a million bugs crawling under my skin. I scratched at my arms until Paul’s hands were on my wrists, trying to pull my nails away from my skin.

 

“Shh, Matt, you’re okay,” Elena said to me, looking at me with wide eyes. At least I thought it was Elena. Her face was warped and her eyes were just black holes of nothing. “Paul, take him inside and make sure he’s okay.”

 

There were arms underneath me and suddenly I was being lifted up and carried back into the house. I screamed and thrashed, trying to claw my skin, managing to kick whoever it was that was carrying me in the meantime.

 

“Matt, hold still. You’re okay.”

 

Paul. That was Paul, I told myself. I took a shuddery breath and blinked once, trying to avoid the sharp sound in my head again. When I opened my eyes, it was Paul who was looking at me. He’d set me on the sofa and was stroking my forearm with one hand while holding my other arm back with his other hand, probably to prevent me from ripping my own skin to shreds. We stayed like that for what felt like hours.

 

“Breathe, just breathe,” he whispered quietly, still stroking my arm.

 

I choked out, dry sobs heaving from my lungs. I still couldn’t breathe properly. My vision returned to normal, I knew where I was, I knew who I was, but I could not breathe. “Help me,” I sputtered, attempting to gulp down air.

 

“Slow, deep breaths, Matt.”

 

I tried. I tried so hard but it burned every time. I needed Dom. The only time it was acceptable for me to be breathless was when he was kissing me so much I had to gasp for air. I needed his lips on mine, to take my breath away and make me dizzy and light headed with his love and kisses. But I had no idea where Dom was. There was no sign of him from anyone, not even a phone call to Tom or Daniel or Officer Nicholls. Or me, for that matter. He was gone. He wasn’t there, and instead of him taking my breath away with kisses, I was crying out and trying to get my lungs to expand properly. Everything hurt. When was it going to stop?

 

“Breathe in, count to three, breathe out. There you go, yeah, that’s better.” Paul’s hand was over my heart and he was breathing with me. Gradually, I felt myself return back to normal. My breaths were still short and jagged, but at least they were there. “You’re okay. It was just a small panic attack. You’re safe.”

 

It was then that I noticed tears were stinging my eyes. I lifted my hands to rub my eyes, finding them drenched with tears. “How long did that last?” I asked, raising a shaky hand and wiping at the wetness.

 

“About ten minutes,” Paul said softly. “It was one of the shorter ones.”

 

Only ten minutes. It had felt like hours to me. “I’m not getting any better, am I?” I asked quietly, rubbing my swollen eyes. “This feels worse than when Mum and Dad died. I don’t remember it being this bad.”

 

“It was this bad,” Paul whispered. “You just don’t remember. Dom helped you to forget.”

 

I cried out again. I knew that. Of course I knew that. Dom had been that missing link I required my whole life, to help me forget the shit I went through earlier. And the link was missing again. “I need him,” I sobbed, falling forward into my brother’s chest. “I miss him.”

  
“Me too, Matt,” he said, stroking my hair. “Me too.”


	31. Chapter 31

Every day was the same. Hours turned into days, days turned into weeks, and weeks turned into months.

 

It had been two and a half months since Dom left. Summer was nearing its end, Sarah was getting ready for sixth form, and Corrine was intent on being the star of her primary school’s fall theater production. To say I was proud of the both of them would be an understatement, but to say I showed my pride to them would be an overstatement.

 

Leaving the house was hard, impossible even. The things I’d always turned to before to help me when I was down - piano, family, Soldier - were hard to be excited over. I thought about my piano students, wondering how they were doing and if they even remembered me. I felt like I should’ve been guilty for leaving them at such short notice, that I should’ve gotten myself better and gone right back to London and continued with teaching. But, I didn’t. And I had no desire to.

 

A few times a month Paul would make the drive to London and check up on the house for me. I tried going with him the first time -  which was only a few weeks after everything happened - and that ended up being a horrible idea. The second the house came into view with the flower pots that Dom had turned over on the day I brought him home, I was gone. Blackness began seeping into my brain and I was struck paralyzed, pulled taught by the lines of depression I had molded into my mind which had taken up a permanent residence. I had to stay in the car while Paul went inside to make sure things were in working order, and that was when we decided Paul would go alone in the future. Even just seeing the exterior of the house left me struck with unimaginable terror, so just thinking about what would’ve happened if I’d gone inside was terrifying. The bed, the sofa, the piano, the kitchen, the garden, it all would’ve sent me into a panic attack so severe I probably would not have been able to recover.

 

The only time I could stop thinking about everything wrong that happened with Dom was when I spoke with Lanie. She was better than any therapist I’d seen before in the fact that I didn’t feel like I was being psychoanalyzed when she was talking to me. It wasn’t like she was figuring out what was wrong with me, which I appreciated. Still, I felt useless. No matter how many times we spoke, I didn’t feel as if I was getting any better. Every morning when I woke up, the numbness was still there, permanent and unchangeable in a way that made it impossible to get rid of.

 

I finally decided I needed to drink myself to forgetfulness again. Numbness didn’t mean I couldn’t remember, because I did. Every day I remembered and regretted what I’d said. I wanted to forget so badly. I had to forget, and drinking was the only way. It’d let me forget that Dom was raped, so why wouldn’t it let me forget what I myself had done to Dom? I had to forget. I just had to.

 

So that’s what I did. I hadn’t had a sip of alcohol since the incident with Dom and there was none in the house that wasn’t locked up, so I snuck out of the house late one night and drove myself to a place far away enough from Teignmouth so that there was no way I would see anyone I knew. I ended up in a pub in Exeter; it was dingy and gritty and smelled of cheap cigarettes. The alcohol burned as I let it run down my throat and the people were dirty with grime underneath their fingernails. The bartender paid no attention to me as I kept ordering more and more drinks as the night went on. A shitty band was playing in the corner of the bar, and I swore half the members were probably drunker than I was.

 

The more I drank, the more I forgot. Dom became a blurry image in my mind, as did everything else. I forgot about my family and my job and my responsibilities. The only thing I needed was more alcohol, more poison, and the bartender was happy to supply it.

 

I couldn’t concentrate. People were talking to me and I was ignoring them. Their words went in one ear and flew right out the other, having absolutely no meaning at all to me. One woman told me I should slow down. I ignored her, of course, and ordered another pint of beer to the bartender’s delight. By midnight, my tab was full and my wallet was empty. Stupidly, I ordered more drinks, because I needed to. I needed to forget. I could feel myself being killed from the inside, my liver and stomach already pleading for me to stop. I didn’t stop.

 

I had to forget. Forgetting was the only way to stop hurting. What was I even trying to forget? I couldn’t remember, and took a shot to celebrate, delighting the man sitting next to me at the pub. His eyes looked familiar. Green? Who did I know with green eyes? Or were they grey? No one I knew had grey eyes, at least that I could remember.

 

A smile spread across my face as he ordered me another drink which I quickly chugged down. His hand slapped my back and I coughed, feeling more alive than I had since... I couldn’t remember. Earlier that day, yeah? Just a fun night out, it was. I was alive. I felt whole.

 

There was whispering in my ear then more green (or was it grey?). The man’s shaggy blonde hair tickled my neck as his head tilted to the side and he pressed a kiss to my chin. I giggled loudly then hiccuped, covering my mouth with my fingers.

 

“You’re all rosy, Matt,” came a husky voice, and I smiled again at the man. I couldn’t remember if I’d told him my name. Hell, I could barely remember if I even knew my own name.

 

His fingers were teasing my thigh and then we were kissing, his left hand moving to the back of my head. I could taste whiskey and cigars on his lips as I licked them with my tongue. I used my teeth to gently bite him, teasing the skin and the slight stubble he had underneath his bottom lip.

 

“Let me buy you another drink,” he whispered. “Let me take care of you, baby.”

 

So I did. He bought me more drinks. He kissed me more. He touched me more. Everything became fuzzier and fuzzier until his face was no longer recognizable. What color were his eyes again? They were just a blur, as was everything else about the man. The liquor no longer burned my throat, only warmed my stomach and made me ask for even more.

 

I laughed giddily as he toyed with my fingers and kissed me again and again, one of his hands reaching down under the barstool to grab my arse. I squeaked and knocked a pint of beer over and onto an older woman’s lap. Sputtering an apology to the lady, I fell forward into the man, falling halfway out of the barstool. His chuckle barely reached my ears and then I felt two strong arms wrap around my midsection. He said something into my ear, but I didn’t register what the words were. Everything was buzzing and spinning. I laughed as I stared at the bartender; he was funny looking.

 

A tap on my shoulder brought me out of my giggle fit and I lethargically turned around to find the man with the blurry face standing up and holding an arm out to me. I gladly took it, my legs wobbling slightly as he lifted me to stand.

 

Together, we stumbled through the pub and out to the street. I was cold in just my tee shirt and made an obvious show of shivering, but the man didn’t seem to notice. He kept his scarf and coat to himself - which I didn’t think much of - and just kept whispering into my ear how much fun we were going to have. I couldn’t wait.

 

The cab came, I was pushed down into the back seat, the man threw some notes toward the driver, and then we were moving through the streets. The last thing that happened was the cab pulled up to an unfamiliar building and I was led back into the chilly air and up the front steps. Everything else was darkness.

 

~

 

Fuck. That was the first word I thought of when I woke up. Fuck fuck fuck. There was a blue quilt thrown over me and the walls of the room were an obnoxious yellow. I turned over, regretting to look and see just where I was. As I turned, there was a squeak and I looked down. I was on a leather sofa and I was wearing only boxers. Fuck.

 

Where was I? What happened? Why was I not in Teignmouth?

 

Panicked, I looked around the room. It was plain and bare save for the bright yellow walls. A telly sat in the corner and the only other thing that took up the room was a shitty card table with piles of loose papers sitting on it and an ancient laptop covered in old, worn out stickers. There were two small windows near a faded white door, and light was streaming in. The second my eyes hit the light I was nauseous, and I lurched forward, gratefully finding a bucket beside the sofa and emptying the contents of my stomach into it. Everything smelled like smoke and alcohol and old, rotten wood. I breathed erratically, spilling more and more into the bucket as the worst hangover of my life hit me with full force. All I could do was regret what I’d done, even though I had no idea what that was.

 

I puked off and on for another ten or so minutes. When I finally felt safe to set down the bucket, green eyes caught mine, and I was startled to find a man staring at me worryingly. He was wearing a dark green jumper and worn light wash jeans, his blonde hair messy and greasy. He looked to be in only a slightly better condition than me. Then I remembered: the pub, the drinks, the man, the cab.

 

I panicked. What else was I supposed to do? I was in an unfamiliar house, on an unfamiliar sofa, and there was a familiar but still strange man staring at me as I was hungover and half naked.

 

“I’m so sorry,” I started, tears beginning to rush down my face as he walked toward m. It was only when I tried to rub the tears away that I realized that my eyes were already puffy and swollen. “I’m sorry, I... I have a boyfriend,” I stuttered. “Oh my God, this is all a mistake I-” I lurched forward, puking into the bucket again. I leaned my forehead onto the edge and squeezed my eyes shut tight. I just wanted it to stop. I couldn’t stop crying. When was it going to stop?

 

The sofa dipped next to me and I braved my greatest fears, turning my head to face the man.

 

“I’m sorry,” I choked out, but the man quickly shushed me and put an arm over my shoulders. It was a friendly action. I couldn’t see any implications hidden in it.

 

“Shh, it’s okay,” said the man softly, who was now stroking my hair. “It’s okay, Matt.”

 

“No!” I shrieked, jumping away from his touch. “I’m not single! Who are you?”

 

“Matt, it’s okay,” the man whispered, keeping his distance. “It’s okay, we didn’t do anything but kiss.”

 

Relief spread through me quicker than the alcohol had the previous night. Still, I was petrified. He could’ve been lying. For all I knew, I’d sucked the man’s cock before he shoved it up my arse and fucked me hard until I passed out. I couldn’t remember anything. I forgot, just like I had wanted to. And it was all a terrible mistake.

 

I was shaking, and the man reached out to steady me. “It’s okay, it’s okay,” he repeated. “I promise.”

 

“Who are you?” I sputtered, trying to ward off the tears just for a few seconds.

 

“My name is Dylan. We dated in uni, remember me? It’s okay Matt, I know now. You’re okay.”

 

I collapsed into tears. The sofa squeaked as I fell back and attempted to hide my eyes beneath my thin arms. I cried and cried, staining my skin with the salt of melancholy. “I’m so sorry,” I sobbed, pulling desperately at my hair. “I can’t do this anymore. I have a boyfriend. I have a boyfriend. I have a boyfriend. I had a boyfriend.”

 

“Matt,” Dylan said, reaching forward and holding onto my arm. “It’s okay. We only kissed and did nothing else. Please, listen to me.”

 

I took erratic breaths. My lungs were burning. It was happening again. I could feel the eerie darkness sweeping under the gates of my mind and poisoning me slowly. I remembered him. I remembered Dylan. We only dated for two weeks until I broke it off because I couldn’t handle a committed relationship. “I’m sorry. I’m so fucking sorry for everything.”

 

“It’s okay,” he whispered, pulling me close in a fatherly gesture. He wrapped his arms around me, not in a suggestive manner. “You’re okay. You didn’t cheat on him. I’m sorry. I didn’t know.”

 

“What happened?” I sobbed, holding still and trying not to get my tears on Dylan’s jumper.

 

“You were fine and then I unzipped your trousers and you flipped. You lost it and started screaming at me and wailing, and there was no way I was going to let you back out into the night like that. I quickly stopped. You have to believe me, Matt. We didn’t do anything. I carried you to the sofa and forced some food into you while you cried about everything, mostly him. It was all a bit jumbled because you were still drunk out of your mind and unbelievably upset, but I think I gathered most of the necessary information.”

 

“I’m so sorry,” I choked.

 

“Don’t be,” Dylan said softly. “It’s happened before. Well, not like that, but still. I shouldn’t have taken advantage of you like that when you were so drunk. I’m only thankful you stopped me before I went too far and that I wasn’t too drunk to stop.” His hand reached out to rest on my forehead and he frowned. “You’ve got a fever. Sit tight.”

 

I sniffled and watched as he left me on the sofa, heading for an open doorway I didn’t recognize before.

 

“Here,” he said quietly, handing me a bowl of something that was steaming and smelled like heaven. “I thought you might be hungry so I made some chicken soup for when you finally woke up.”

 

“Thank you,” I croaked, gratefully accepting the soup. I immediately began slurping it down, my destroyed stomach craving something substantial. My head was still pounding but the food helped to relieve some of the nausea. “What time is it?” I asked.

 

“Past noon, I wanted to let you sleep off most of the hangover, so I didn’t wake you up.”

 

“Thanks. Again.” Dylan nodded and I continued to slurp at the soup.

 

“What’s his name?” Dylan asked a few minutes later.

 

“What?”

 

“His name. You never told me. You just screamed ‘He left me’ over and over again.”

 

“Oh,” I whispered, scooping a piece of chicken into my mouth and chewing. Tears began dotting my eyes as I thought about him. “Dom,” I finally said. “His name is Dom.”

 

He simply nodded and stared at me the whole time. I felt like a bug under a microscope. I just wanted it to stop. I regretted everything so much. I didn’t deserve to be so lucky. I could’ve easily been fucked the previous night without consent, but somehow I ended up with the good guy. I didn’t deserve that. I deserved to feel guilty. I wanted to feel guilty.

 

Dylan offered to drive me back to the bar where my car was parked so I could drive myself home. I accepted, and soon enough I was unlocking my car and blasting the heat to try and rid the car of the early fall chill. Just as I was getting ready to take off, there was a tap on my window. I rolled it down to talk to Dylan, and he was giving me a smile and a small piece of paper with a number on it. “Call me,” he said. “Anytime. I just want to make sure you’re okay. Again I’m so sorry.”

 

And then he left and I was crying again. Raw sobs were wretched from my throat and everything burned with each time I cried out. Screams echoed inside the car and I was surprised no one came running from any of the nearby shops with how loud I was being. The steering wheel was tempting me; I wanted so badly to violently smack my head into it, splitting it open and letting the blood ooze out until I was dead. I’d be found by the night time and everyone would hear about it on the news. They’d all frown and shake their heads at the pathetic, lonely piano teacher who killed himself because of a stupid broken heart. Then their lives would go on just as they had before. A never ending cycle.

 

It was never going to stop.

 

I was always going to want to die. At least until I got Dom back.

 

I was never going to get Dom back.

 

It was never going to stop.


	32. Chapter 32

When I arrived back home, the house was quiet, so I assumed no one had noticed my lack of presence. Of course, I was wrong.

 

The first thing that happened when I unlocked the door was Soldier started barking. I tried to quiet him, shutting the door lightly and kneeling down to stroke his ears, but it was too late. The sound of footsteps moving down the hall made me twitch, and I reluctantly raised my head to look at Paul.

 

“Where the fuck did you go?” he hissed beneath his breath.

 

“Out.”  
  
  
  
“Matt,” he said with a shake of his head. “You can’t just do that. You’re going to hurt yourself.”

 

I hung my head down, trying to avoid his gaze as tears started slipping out. “I know,” I said, slipping to sit down against the wall. “I fucked up again, I know.”

 

“You did more than that. We were close to calling the police. I made Sarah take Corrine out so she wouldn’t be too stressed. Elena is still crying.”

 

“I’m sorry,” I choked out, burying my face into my hands. “I wasn’t thinking, I wanted it to go away.”

 

“Did it?” he asked.

 

“No,” I said through tears. “It’s still here. The guilt won’t go away. Not with anything I try.”

 

“Maybe,” Paul said, moving closer to me and sitting beside the wall. “Maybe you’re not as guilty as you tell yourself you are.”

 

“No you don’t fucking understand!” I yelled, grabbing at my hair as I choked out sobs. I heard more footsteps and Elena appeared behind Paul, her eyes puffy and her hair pulled back away from her face. “I’m sorry,” I whispered as we made eye contact. She shook her head and moved closer, pushing Paul aside and sitting close to me. Tears dotted my eyelashes and I couldn’t breathe, my nose clogged up from the outburst of crying. Silently, her arms wrapped around me and I buried my face into her chest, trying to breathe in her scent. “I’m so sorry,” I choked out.

 

“Shhh,” she soothed. “I’ve got you, Matt. I’ve got you.” Her hand rested on my back and I could feel Paul’s gaze on the two of us. Why weren’t they yelling at me? In the span of a summer, I completely ruined their lives, making them care for me like I was a baby unable to even feed myself. I didn’t deserve their kindness. I didn’t deserve the sense of family they brought me. I didn’t deserve them.

 

“This is all my fault,” I said quietly through sniffles. Elena shook her head, continuing to stroke my back but remaining silent. “It’s all my fault.”  
  
  
  
“No,” she whispered, pulling away and staring me in the eyes. “You have... Issues, for sure.”

 

I sobbed out, my voice breaking, but she was quick to shush me again as her fingers lifted my chin.

 

“It’s nothing that can’t be fixed. Matt, you’re broken. Badly.”

 

Paul stepped forward again and sat on the other side of me, wrapping his arms around both of us and nodding his head. “Elena is right.”

 

“Of course I am,” she said with a laugh and giving a fake punch to her husband before returning to a more serious tone. “Dom was kind of your glue. You were slowly falling apart and ready to break, and then Dom came along just in time to hold you together. He made you strong, he made you the man that’s been deep down inside there for so long-” she pointed to my chest “-but was too scared to come out and show itself. And now that he’s gone, you’ve lost yourself. I’m not making much sense, but-”

 

“Dom finally gave you what you’ve needed for so long but now that you don’t have it anymore, you forgot how you used to do it,” Paul said, interrupting Elena.

 

“Which is proof that I’m weak,” I mumbled.

 

“No,” Paul said with a shake of his head. “You’re fragile, but not weak.”  
  
  
  
“What’s the fucking difference?” I asked, glaring at him as anger began to brew inside of me.

 

“Matt, Matt, look at me,” Elena pleaded, turning my head so I’d face her again. “Fragile doesn’t mean weak. You’re kind of like glass. You’re beautiful and malleable and intricate but all it takes is a little pressure and you shatter.”  
  
  
  
“Yeah and you can’t fucking fix broken glass!” I argued. “I’m completely done for! Shattered, broken, fucked up, whatever you want to call it, whatever stupid little term you want to put on it. Nothing is going to help. Nothing.”

 

“Matt,” Paul started. “Please don’t say you’re done for. Please.”

 

“I’m sorry,” I said. “I’m done. I’m so sorry.” I then stood up to leave, heading straight for my room and whistling for Soldier to follow.

 

~

 

October came and my condition didn’t improve. I wanted to stop seeing Lanie because, although I trusted her and liked her, I felt like I was constantly failing her because I wasn’t putting in any effort to make myself better. I kept going though, for Paul and Elena’s sake.

 

We talked about my parents a lot, and it made me think. Remembering the day I’d come home from Dylan’s and had fallen apart on Paul and Elena, I was reminded of what they’d said, that yes, I was shattered, but I could be fixed. I still didn’t believe it was possible.

 

“I’m not sure if I would’ve used glass to describe you,” said Lanie. “But I understand what your sister-in-law was saying. You are fragile, Matt, but definitely not weak. I know that from what happened when you saved Dom; a weak man would’ve left him for dead.”

 

I shrugged and kept quiet.

 

“I think... I think this all started with your parents’ death, maybe even earlier. Matt, you struggle with guilt issues, more than most people. You need to find a way to, maybe not overcome the guilt, but at least find a way to control it. It’s okay to feel guilty about what happened with Dom; trust me, it’s more than okay. But you need to remember him for more than that. Think about how happy you were with him, and fight to get that happiness back without letting the guilt overtake you.”

 

If any of Lanie’s words stuck with me the most, those were them.

 

I tried so hard to remember how I had done it before with my parents, and that was what led me to leaving the house for the first time with good intentions since I’d been in Teignmouth. As I gathered the house key and my mobile phone (which had been practically untouched the previous few months) and put a light jacket on, I heard a cough from behind me. Turning around, I smiled slightly to Sarah who was leaning against the wall and watching me with intent eyes.

 

“Where are you going?” she asked softly.

 

“Out,” I replied, trying to leave quickly.

 

Her arm shot out, catching me before I could get out the door. “Uncle Matt,” she said sternly. “Where are you going?”

 

“Nowhere bad, I promise.”

 

She raised her eyebrow, letting go of my sleeve but crossing her arms over her chest and pointing her eyes toward me. “I don’t believe you.”

 

“I swear,” I said, trying to push past her again. She wouldn’t budge.

 

“Tell me where you’re going then.”

 

“Sarah,” I said, rubbing the crease on my forehead and groaning. “It’s nothing. There’s just something I have to do. I promise you it’s okay, nothing bad.” We stared at each other for a few minutes and I felt scrutinized under her gaze, like she could see through every wall, every guard I put around me to defend myself. “It’s nothing,” I repeated again.

 

“Then fucking tell me!” she yelled, throwing her hands up and pulling her hair hard. “Mum is terrified you’re going to go off and kill yourself but she’s not here right now so I need to make sure you don’t do something fucking stupid! This family can’t take anymore shit, not right now!”

 

I flinched. Sarah rarely cursed, and her words were unavoidable. They latched onto me like a parasite, but she was wrong. I wasn’t going to kill myself.

 

“I’m not going to kill myself,” I whispered, my voice barely audible.

 

“Then where are you going that’s so damn important but you can’t tell me?”

 

I flinched again then took a deep breath. Looking up into Sarah’s eyes, I saw tears gathering in the edges and threatening to spill over. Guilt, that was the first thing I felt. Guilt because I made her cry. I fucking hated making people cry, especially people I cared about and loved more than anything. I opened my mouth up to say something then shook my head. Throwing my jacket to the floor, my legs buckled and I ended up sitting on the floor with Sarah’s small arms wrapped around me. I cried so hard. I cried into her hair and her jumper and her skin and her scarf. My sobs were so loud they alerted Corrine who quickly ran out to find us then attempted to get in the middle of us. I brought her in, holding her and Sarah so close so that they would never go away. They couldn’t go away because I swore they were the only people I had left in the world.

 

“I can’t do this anymore,” I choked. “I can’t. I’m sorry. I can’t fight it.”

 

I was shaking and I felt nothing short of pathetic. We moved away from the hug and Corrine watched from afar as Sarah ran into the kitchen then came back with a cool washcloth, placing it over my forehead.

 

“I’m sorry,” I repeated.

 

“Shhh, just calm down. Let’s go into the kitchen, yeah?”

 

I nodded, taking short and shuddery breaths as I tried to push away the panic attack I could feel that was crawling under the barriers of my mental body and trying to destroy me with full force.

 

“Come on,” Sarah coaxed, leading me down the hall. She sent Corrine back to her room and pulled a chair out for me to sit in. “Shit,” she whispered when I nearly fell out of the chair and began panicking. Her arm reached out to steady me and she softly stroked my sleeve as I attempted to regain composure. “I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have pushed it. I know better than to do that.”

 

“It’s okay,” I whispered after catching my breath and making sure I wouldn’t be engulfed by the darkness again. “I’m okay.”

 

“Are you sure?” she asked, eyeing me warily. “You were close to going over there for a few seconds.”

 

“Yeah,” I said, furrowing my eyebrows again and rubbing my forehead. “I’m sorry.”

 

Sarah shook her head and got up to grab two glasses of water, handing me one as she sat back down. “It’s not your fault.”

 

“But it is my fault,” I argued, my words locking up in my throat. “I put myself here.”

 

“No, Uncle Matt. You didn’t. You both messed up. Don’t you dare blame this all on yourself.”

 

I shook my head. She was all wrong, it was all my fault. Dom did nothing wrong and I did everything wrong. It was all because I didn’t think. I had been careless and I didn’t think and then I said those awful words that completely fucked my life over. It hit me that Dominic had not abandoned me; I had abandoned him. He left because he didn’t deserve me. He didn’t deserve someone who said such vile things. That wasn’t who I was. I was not that man that night. I had to fix it. I had to. The guilt was too much. I couldn’t handle it anymore; it was going to kill me.

 

“I have to fix this,” I said, my voice suddenly present. “Oh my God Sarah,” I whispered, staring at my niece who was wide eyed. “I have to get him back, this isn’t me.”

 

“What do you think we’ve been telling you these past months?” she asked.

 

Putting my hand to my forehead, I pushed the heel of my palm between my eyes. “I don’t know,” I muttered. “I’ve been an absolute mess, I don’t know anything anymore. I’m actually so disgusted with myself.”

 

I knew I should’ve acted sooner. The second I realized Dom was gone I should’ve chased after him. That’s how it works in every love story, right? The man gets his act together and then chases after his runaway lover and they reunite and everything works out in the end. They kiss and cry and make love and then forget about any shit that happened because the moment is then and the only thing that matters is how much love they still share even after everything they’ve gone through. They’re back together, they have one another, they have their lives back. I should’ve remembered that in the very beginning. If I hadn’t been so pathetic, I could’ve been back home in London with Dom, kissing Dom, loving Dom, just being with Dom. It all could’ve been over.

 

But the fact was, it wasn’t over. No, I was still alone. I didn’t have Dom and there was a very good chance that I never would again. A miracle, that’s what it would take to get him back. The chance was almost as slim as getting my parents back, maybe even slimmer, because who on Earth would forgive someone who reminded them of the most despicable thing that ever happened to them?

 

“How am I going to get him back?” I whispered to myself, though I was sure Sarah heard me.

 

“You have to save him,” she said simply. “Save him from the place he used to go.”

 

I stared in astonishment at my niece, her brilliance and way with words quite simply overwhelming me.

 

“Don’t give me that look,” she quickly added. “I was reading a poetry book earlier and stole that line.”

 

I couldn’t help but grin. I was so comfortable around her that even in the lowest point in my life, she could make me smile, even if it was just for an incredibly brief moment. I leaned into the chair I was sitting in and sipped some water as she went into the medicine cupboard and brought me back some painkillers.

 

“To calm you down,” she explained as she handed me two of the little blue pills. “They might help a bit.”

 

I shrugged and quickly swallowed them down, gulping the rest of the water then setting the glass beside me. “Doesn’t hurt to try,” I said.

 

“Yeah.” She fiddled with the hem of her tee shirt, looking like she wanted to say something but keeping her mouth shut.

 

“Is there something wrong?” I finally asked.

 

“No,” she said simply. “I just wish you’d tell me where you had planned on going.”

 

“Oh shit!” I exclaimed, sitting up suddenly and glancing at my watch. I had to leave soon or I would be late. “I should get going!” I walked quickly to the front door where my shoes were left and bent down to slip them on. When I stood back up, Sarah was staring at me again, the worried expression returning. “Do you and Corrine want to come with me?” I asked shyly.

 

“Where are we going?” she questioned, her voice wary and still unsure of what exactly I was doing.

 

“You’ll see when we get there.”

 

~

 

Walking into the shop felt right. The last time I had sat in one of those chairs, I had been a lot younger with a lifetime of experiences to still confront. But, my condition had been exactly the same: oppressed, empty, detached, and desolate. I needed a permanent reminder that it was okay to mourn. I needed a permanent reminder of him, just in case I never got him back.

 

“Holy shit,” came a voice from the back of the shop. “Matthew Bellamy, long time no see, mate!”

 

I let out a small smile as an older man with curly hair walked toward me past the three chairs. “Hello Gregory,” I said softly, reaching my hand out to shake his own. “It’s great to see you again.”

 

“I was so happy when I got your call the other day, it’ll be great to catch up!”

 

“Definitely,” I said, grinning. I pushed Sarah and Corrine forward, and they both shook Gregory’s hand as well. “These are my two wonderful nieces, Sarah and Corrine.”  
  
  
  
“I’d recognize Sarah anyday,” Gregory said with a chuckle, giving the teenager a hug. “How’s that septum piercing healing up?”

 

“All good,” she said cheerfully, twirling the ring in her nose with her two fingers.

 

“I should’ve known you two already know each other,” I said, putting two and two together.

 

“Yep,” Gregory chuckled. “I swear Sarah is in here for a new piercing every month.”

 

“Can’t help it,” Sarah said with a little giggle. “They’re addicting!”

 

“I know that,” Gregory replied as he gestured to his own stretched earlobes and tattoo covered skin. “But anyway, enough about piercings!” He turned to me. “I sketched up what you told me on the phone, and it should be pretty easy, we could probably get it done today if you’d like?”

 

“Yeah, that would be great,” I said quietly. “I’d really appreciate it.”

 

Gregory stared at me for a few seconds. Sarah had taken Corrine to look at the fish tank in the corner of the shop, and the tattoo artist leaned forward, lowering his voice. “You okay, Matt? Sarah told me what happened.”

 

My shoulders shrugged. “Nothing to really say. I just hope this can motivate me to, you know, at least try and live again.”

 

The older man nodded and sat down on a stool, gesturing for me to sit across from me. He grabbed his sketchbook and opened it up to an empty page. “Let’s get started then.”

 

~

 

The buzz of the machine and the pain of the ink and needles going into my skin was barely registered. My eyes were shut tight as I tried to keep my mind off of him, focusing only on Gregory’s quiet words to me. A breakdown was the last thing anyone needed in the middle of a tattoo.

 

Gregory was understanding with everything, only asking me simple questions that could be answered with a soft yes or no. He told me all about his wife and son, who got accepted into Oxford to study mathematics.

 

As I lay faced down with Gregory leaning over my back, I took deep breaths to try and ignore the pain as he put the finishing white highlights in. “Just a few more spots then you’ll be done. Just try to breathe through it, you’re swelling up a lot.”

 

“Happened last time too,” I mumbled into the headrest. Corrine was giggling in amusement at my pain and Sarah tried to quiet her down.

 

“Your skin is really sensitive, make sure you use the fragrance free lotion, we don’t want it to get too irritated.” There was a few more minutes of buzzing and pain and then I felt a coolness wipe over my shoulder blade, then a few seconds later the snap of gloves being removed. “Okay Matt. You’re done. Why don’t you check it out in the mirror?”

 

Nodding, I slowly sat up, making sure not to move too quickly. As my shoulder blade became upright and I stood up to move to the mirror, I heard Sarah and Corrine gasp then whisper to one another. I only hoped that was a good sign.

 

Standing in front of the mirror, I was afraid to look. I knew it would be perfect; Gregory was one of the best tattoo artists in Devon. But would it help me heal? It had before, permanently marking my skin helping in more ways I ever could have expected.

 

I took a huge breath and held up the small mirror to view my shoulder blade in the larger one hanging on the wall. The second I saw it, the mirror dropped from my hand and tears began gathering in my eyes. It was so perfect. It was so him. Looking at it, I forgot everything bad and only remembered falling in love with him. That was what I wanted to remember of him, the brightness he brought to my world and the way he made me who I had strived to be my entire life.

 

“Gregory,” I whispered, seeing the bright reds and dark greens through my teary eyes. “It’s gorgeous. I don’t even know what to say.”

 

“Does it remind you of him?”

 

“Yes!” I exclaimed through the tears as I studied the two red roses surrounded by thorny branches. “It reminds me of everything worth remembering.” My heart leapt as I noticed something I hadn’t seen before, a small point where the branches morphed into the letters “DH”.

 

“I didn’t want to make it too obvious,” Gregory explained. “Names and initials and portraits are always something I’m hesitant to tattoo, but it just worked. I hope you don’t mind.”

 

I shook my head, trying to stop crying as I lightly touched Dom’s initials with my fingertips. “I feel... I feel... Responsible but not guilty,” I whispered.

 

I shut my eyes and tried to keep in the tears that were pouring out. I missed him. I missed him so much that I felt sick. I craved his touch and his love, and those were the only two things I focused on for the rest of the day. Responsible but not guilty. I was responsible for the whole mess, but there was the slim opportunity it could be fixed. Where was he and what was he craving? Probably the two things I craved; love and touch. I couldn’t give it to him, not until he forgave me, which I knew would be a while yet, if it ever did happen. But I knew who could give it to him.

 

Everything after that was a blur until later that night as I stood in front of the mirror after showering, inspecting my new tattoo again. I ignored my skinny body and my sunken eyes and picked up my mobile, trying not to tear up again as I scrolled through my contacts list.

 

I held the phone up to my ear and took a deep breath.  
  
  
  
“Hello?” came a voice from the other line.

 

“Morgan!” I said, my voice picking up volume as energy coursed through my veins for the first time in months. “I need help finding someone.”

 

“Matt, I’ve been on a continuous lookout for Dom. I promise you when something comes up-”

 

“It’s not Dom.”


	33. Chapter 33

I drummed my fingers impatiently against the wall as I waited for the shower to heat up. When I finally saw steam coming from the top, I pulled the shower curtain aside and stepped in, letting the jetting hot water pound into my skin. As I began my shower routine I started to feel faint, and found myself sitting down in the tub to let the hot water pour over me and run its course down my skin and into the little grooves created by my bones. My limbs were stiff and my skin was ghostly as I slowly washed my body, taking special care of my now one month old tattoo for Dom.

 

It wasn’t helping as much as I’d hoped. As soon as I called Morgan, things were supposed to get better; I’d been dead set on making myself a better person, choosing not to feel guilty anymore, but the extreme lack of success with the police shot that horse in the face. Right back to square one again, waking up each day with dread and regret, unable to fully function without leaning on my family for immense support. It was pitiful.

 

Constantly asking myself why I was so pathetic became a bearing task, so I eventually learned to just accept it and stop questioning it; things weren’t going to get any better. The only thing left for me to do was to move past it.

 

As the days grew shorter and the temperature colder, I began to miss London. I missed the big city full of millions of people, where you could walk through the streets and encounter hundreds of people in minutes but know none of their stories. I missed the sense of mystery and adventure you got every time you stepped out into the busy environment and the way you could get lost in the cultures and practices.

 

Everyone knew everyone in Teignmouth, and it was slowly beginning to rip me apart piece by piece. Every time I’d go out and do the shopping for Elena I’d come across someone, an old friend, a distant family member, a previous colleague, all asking me the same question: are you doing better? No. The answer was always no. I didn’t tell them that, of course; they had no right to ask me such a personal question. It was the same thing that happened after my mum and dad died, when I could hear Paul talking on the phone with our aunt who lived in the United States at the time. “How is Matthew doing?” she’d ask, and Paul would answer truthfully, telling her how depressed I was and how he was worried about me and all that. I hated it. She’d never bothered to care about me before, so why would she have cared then? It was obvious she really didn’t, because a few weeks after that, I got never ending phone calls and emails and cards from family members I didn’t even know had existed, all wishing me to get better soon. My aunt had only checked up on me so she could spread the rumor about poor little Matthew who was completely useless. Pathetic.

 

I decided that my close vicinity to people I was acquainted with but wasn’t friends with was not healthy, and tried to make myself go to London at least once every other week to visit with the people I knew truly cared for me.

 

Gloria invited me to her flat for dinner one night, which I highly appreciated. The food was warm and flavorful and her company left me feeling at least content for a bit. After dinner she took me to the theater where we enjoyed a production of The Sound of Music. It was good to have a quiet night out, just to take my mind off things. By the time we got back to her flat we were both completely knackered, and the second my head hit the pillow on her sofa, I was asleep. It was the first night in a long time I had a nice, peaceful, and deep sleep.

 

A few weeks later I was invited to dinner with the Wolstenholmes. As I pulled up to their house, I tried to avoid looking at Tom and Arianna’s house across the street, because something told me Dom was there, just a few meters away from where I was standing next to my car.

 

Shaking my head, I pushed against the urge to run up to the house and pound on the door, and walked quietly to the Wolstenholme’s door and knocked. My jaw hit the floor when a thin and scraggly brunette answered the door instead of Chris.

 

“Hey Matt,” Tom said quietly, offering me a small smile.

 

All the air rushed out of my lungs and I felt my hands shake underneath the dish I was holding. Tom quickly reached forward to balance me just as Chris, Kelly, and Arianna appeared behind him, all three smiling at me.

 

“I- I’m- I-” I stuttered, looking back and forth to all of them as Kelly moved forward to take the dish from my hands. “What,” I finally managed to say, shocked that Tom and Arianna were standing right there, smiling at me.

 

“I hope you don’t mind Tom and Arianna joining us!” Chris said cheerily, clapping me loudly on the back just as he always did. “They wanted to see you so I invited them over!”

 

I stared at the couple. “You- you wanted to see me?” I asked shyly, looking back and forth between the two.

 

Arianna nodded and stepped forward, pulling me into her arms. “We’ve been so worried about you, Matthew. When Dom told us he’d left you I was so scared something would happen to you!”

 

“I’m fine,” I whispered, staring at the wall behind Arianna and trying not to cry.

 

“Matt,” Kelly said sadly as she reached forward and put a hand to my shoulder while Arianna held me tightly. Out of the corner of my eye I saw Chris whisper something to Tom, and they moved down the hall, leaving me in the arms of the two women. “We love you so much,” Kelly whispered into my ear as the first tears dropped from the corners of my eyes. “You’re part of this family. You’re important to all of us, and so is Dom.”

 

My back grew rigid and tense at those words, but Arianna was quick enough to rub them away with her hand as she began moving us toward the sofa in the front room. “It’s okay,” she said softly, patting the cushion and sitting me down next to her before lightly holding onto my hand. “I understand you’re upset, it’s okay.”

 

“It’s never going to be okay.” My words were quiet and broken, so soft that I wasn’t sure if Arianna had even heard me. “I miss him so much.”

 

Arianna and Kelly exchanged quick glances before Kelly quietly left the room, leaving me alone with Arianna for the first time in a long while. We stayed on the sofa for a few long minutes; I could hear everyone else conversing in the kitchen along with the sound of drinks being mixed and the occasional cupboard sliding open and closed along its hinges.

 

“Where do you think he is?” Arianna finally asked after the long moment of silence.

 

I looked at her in surprise. “I figured you knew,” I said softly.

 

“He came to us for an hour or so when he left,” she said with a shake of her head. “He didn’t tell us anything, just said he had something to do and went to the room he stayed in every now and then. Thirty minutes later he left with his suitcase, completely silent.”

 

“Oh,” I said, not sure how to react. Relieved that he had been safe, at least for that bit of time? My brain was screaming at me the thing that was wrong. I knew where he was. I knew what was happening to him, I was just too scared to admit that I knew. It was all my fault.

 

I put him back there. After promising that I would never leave him, that I would never let him be hurt ever again, he was back on the streets. There was no other logical explanation, now that I knew he wasn’t with Tom and Arianna. It was my doing.

 

“I’m so sorry,” I whispered, my body beginning to shake with guilt again. “It was all a mistake!”

 

“Shh, Matt,” she soothed, running her hand across my shoulders as I fell into her. “I know. You’re okay, love. You’re okay.”

 

“I’m not,” I choked. It was coming again, the panic, the depression. “I’m really not okay.”

 

“Yes, you are. This is all going to work itself out, trust me.”

 

Her words were soft and kind, but they weren’t true. I knew that it would never get better. I’d heard those words for months and months, from multiple people, but they never came true. Optimism was a rare opportunity that usually only sparked for an hour before being doused away with the apprehensive waters of reality. Reality always pushed through, no matter how many walls I attempted to build around it to try and keep it away.

 

“Matt,” Arianna said softly. “Look at me.” She used her hands to softly pry my face away from where it was trying to hide in the pillows of the sofa.

 

Tears were already burning at my eyes. I couldn’t look at her; I couldn’t face her knowing what I did to Dom. I didn’t deserve her kindness, her motherly care.

 

“I think I need to leave,” I said below my breath, attempting to escape her hold.

 

“You’re not leaving.”

 

Her voice was strong and intense. I tried to pull away from her but she gripped my wrist tightly, angrily.

 

“Matt! Listen to me! Please!”

 

“I can’t!”

 

“Yes you can!”

 

“No,” I pleaded, sobs already starting in my throat. “I can’t! I can’t!”

 

“Calm down,” she whispered. “You’re okay.”

 

“I’m not okay,” I repeated with choppy breaths. Tremors were quickly running through my body, making me twist and flinch and shake with every attempt to move normally.

 

“Matt?” Arianna whispered again, this time with worry in her voice.

 

I took ragged breaths, my lungs beginning to burn as Arianna watched me with wide eyes. I opened my mouth to speak again but no words came out, only gasps of air I couldn’t control even if I tried.

 

“Oh my God,” she said, reaching out but freezing when I started sobbing. My vision was blurring and darkening again, falling into the black hole of nothing I was beginning to be far too familiar with. “Matt, tell me what’s wrong!”

 

I shook my head, choking on words and gripping my hair tightly with my fingers, pulling so hard that my scalp felt as if it was being skinned.

 

“Fuck.” I barely heard the words as Arianna let go of me and stood up, running to the kitchen.

 

I was trying too hard to stay there. I couldn’t let myself get enveloped by the attack again, it couldn’t happen. Sounds were obscured and my skin was on fire as I dragged my fingernails through it, trying to keep a grip on what was real and what wasn’t. People moved all around me. My throat was raw from screaming and every move I made left my entire body struck still, paralyzed. Bile rose from my stomach and blood was running down my arms. My eyes struggled to stay open, the threat of the attack seeping into my vision and running across my pupils, turning everything to black as the people all around me screamed.

 

“Tom! Help him!”

 

“Oh my God, Matt!”

 

“Chris, help me lift him up. Let’s get him to the hospital before he seriously hurts himself.”

 

“Hold on, Matthew. We’ve got you. You’re going to be safe.” Kelly’s words were the last I heard before everything went fuzzy and I blacked out.

 

~

 

My legs burned as I stared at the woman across from me. It was Mum and she was disappointed in me, shaking her head sadly as she looked forlornly in my direction, tears running from her bright blue eyes down her pale cheeks and falling to the ground, splashing against the cold tiles. Head heavy, I looked behind her at the door where people were entering and leaving, in a hurry to get from one place to another. When I blinked again, Mum was gone and there was a hand on my wrist.

 

Wearily, I looked to my left where a woman in scrubs was standing, looking at her wristwatch as she pressed two fingers to my wrist. “Pulse is good,” she said softly. “95 beats per minute.”

 

“Have you checked his temperature since he woke up?”

 

“I’ll do that now,” said the woman as she jotted some notes down on a clipboard. I looked at her as she held a long stick up to my mouth, blinking confusedly. “Open,” she said. “It’s just a thermometer.”

 

I complied, letting the thermometer slide into my mouth beneath my tongue where she held it for a minute or so. When it beeped, it slid out and she wrote some more things down. I was beginning to be more familiar with my surroundings; I was in a white hospital bed, there were two nurses in the room, and something was stopping me from moving my right arm.

 

“Kelly?” I murmured when I saw her, holding my right hand and softly running her fingers over my forearm.

 

“I’m here, Matt,” she said quietly. “We’re all here.”

 

I groggily glanced at my arm, a bandage wrapped firmly around the middle and up to the base of my elbow. It was then that I noticed how bad it stung, feeling like it’d been slashed with a blade.

 

“What happened?” I mumbled.

 

“You had a severe panic attack,” she whispered, still holding my hand. “The doctor said it was a good thing you blacked out when you did, otherwise you could’ve done some serious harm to yourself.” She nodded at the bandage covering at least half of my lower arm. “You scratched through a few layers of skin as it was. It bled pretty heavily.”

 

“Oh,” I said, feeling numb to it all. In fact, I felt nothing, and I kind of liked it, save for the groggy feeling that was clouding my head.

 

“You’re on some heavy drugs right now,” Kelly explained, seeming to read my mind. “Just to calm you down for now, is what the doctor said. He wants you to increase the dosage on your anxiety medication, so this doesn’t happen again.”

 

I simply nodded. Truth be told, it had been a couple months since I’d taken my medication at all. I’d noticed within the first month that it wasn’t helping, so why bother with even taking it in the first place? Kelly didn’t need to know that, though. It was between Lanie and me only.

 

“I want to go home,” I said as I looked at her.

 

“Paul is on his way.”

 

“No, I want to go back to my house here. I miss it.”

 

“I’m afraid we can’t let you do that, Matthew,” came another voice. It was Chris, and he walked into the room followed by Tom and Arianna who both looked to be carrying bags of take away. “You’ll only get hurt again.”

 

“I don’t care,” I said, my voice still groggy and slow. “I’m a grown man, I think I can make decisions for myself.”

 

Kelly whispered something into Chris’ ear before turning back to me and smiling lightly. “You need to be cared for. We don’t think that living alone would be beneficial for you right now.”

 

I wasn’t up for fighting at that moment. I was tired, emotionless, groggy, and my arm felt like it’d been cut through with the dull blade of a saw. I shut my eyes and turned my head to the other side, hoping they’d all taken the hint that I didn’t want to talk anymore. Blinking once more, I studied the pale white wall of the hospital room, a familiar sight, one that I’d seen just days after Dom left. Months later, and I wasn’t any better. No progress had been made, and I knew it was a lost cause.

 

Like a spinning top, a cycle that never ended until I fell. And then I would be picked up and spun again, continuing to circle around and around until I fell again. Constant and never ending.

 

As I shut my eyes and tried to ignore the quiet whispering voices of Tom, Arianna, Chris, and Kelly, I imagined that he was there with me in the hospital bed, spooning me from behind with his tanned arms wrapped securely around my small body and his long legs intertwined with mine. I would be able to feel his sparse facial hair against the back of my neck beneath my hairline when he pressed light kisses there, and the smell of him would linger on me as I fell asleep.

 

I pulled the scratchy hospital blanket tighter around me, seeking its warmth and comfort, something I could no longer receive from him. Loneliness was taking over, and I wished for nothing more than to undo the entire previous six months without him. He was my source of life, and I knew I was slowly dying without him. All that was left was for me to accept that I would eventually die without him, alone. A recurring theme for my life, it was still hard to accept. But it would have to happen.

 

Just when I began to fall asleep, I swore I heard the off tune humming of You and I by Jeff Buckley in my ear. A tear slipped from my eye as I shook my head to make it go away, not letting it get to me. “I miss you,” I whispered into the bedsheets, tears just starting to spill over as my body lost its battle to sleep and guilt.


	34. Chapter 34

My existence became something I didn’t want to think about. Whether or not I deserved to be alive was something I tried to avoid; if I didn’t avoid it, the answer would be far short of helpful, because I was beginning to face the facts. My family noticed, my therapist noticed, hell, my dog probably noticed. I wanted to be dead.

 

Life without Dom was something I had never imagined once I got a taste of what life with Dom was like. Our love was something I knew would hold strong, and the way I’d been thrown back into the solitary lifestyle I once knew was both shocking and terrifying. It was like being dropped into the middle of the wilderness with no previous training and nothing to survive off of, only pure human instinct. And currently, my instinct was to make my presence as little known as possible.

 

In a way, I turned nocturnal. I spent my days locked up in my room with a pillow over my head to try and push away the constant migraines I was beginning to experience, and at night time I often sat on the sofa staring mindlessly at the telly with the glow illuminating my vacant face, all the while with a cold cup of tea left forgotten in the weak grasp of my hand. I cut myself off from the world, living inside my own distraught mind, my own personal Hell. I tortured myself with my thoughts, the things I thought about doing far worse than anything that could ever be done by another human.

 

I often questioned how I ended up that way, but the answer was always obscured. Did I deserve to be slashed and beaten with my own thoughts every second of every day, or was I truly a good person deep down who just had some things go awry? The latter was quickly seeming more and more impossible.

 

I couldn’t be a good person, not with what I’d done to Dom. Maybe I wasn’t as low-leveled as the men who’d beat him, taken advantage of him, and raped him, but I was certainly on their level with the words I’d said to him. The nine words still left my tongue swelling in pain just at the thought of saying them out loud again. The weight of them, heavy in my mind, was like a nail being constantly driven through me, agonizingly slow so that I felt every bit of pain. Nine words - just ten syllables - left me physically ill. It was disgusting.

 

I woke up one afternoon with an ache in my arm from where I’d scratched it open. Usually I would’ve been mad being woken from sleep (which was a rare thing), but for once I was grateful. The words had been hissed in my ear, cynical and sharp and dripping with a fiery menace. The speaker had been hidden behind the walls of my mind which only made the words hurt even more.  They didn’t just hurt; they sliced me to the bone.

 

“I need help,” I whispered as I willed myself not to be sick right there in bed, kicking the duvet off and running to the toilet before slamming the door shut behind me. I barely made it there in time, leaning over the bowl and lurching every few seconds while also gripping my arm to try and soothe away the shooting pain that was flaring up. “Oh my God, help me,” I pleaded.

 

There was a soft tapping on the door and then a quiet voice. “Uncle Matt?”

 

“Sarah,” I whispered, choking up before lurching toward the toilet to be sick again.

 

“I’m getting Dad,” she replied through the door. “Just, hold on.”

 

I weakly nodded even though I knew she couldn’t see me through the closed door. My shoulders were wracked with trembles and my eyes grew heavy, the sound of footsteps just barely in the peripherals of my ears. “I’m going to be okay,” I whispered to myself, trying to breathe and keep the remaining contents of my stomach where they should be. “Fuck,” I screamed out, a sob breaking through and bringing with it all the panic and hysteria I was trying so hard to keep at bay.

 

Just as the door was harshly pushed open and I sensed Paul’s presence in the room, I fell to the floor face first, curling in on myself.

 

“Matt,” came his voice from somewhere above me. I could feel his hand rubbing circles on my back, which was sticky with sweat. The fabric of my tee shirt clung to me and the weight of Paul’s hand felt like it was leaving trails of fire on my skin.

 

“Help me,” I whispered desperately. “Please help me.”

 

“I’m trying,” he responded softly, his other hand coming to rest just at the base of my neck. “Oh God, Matt, I’m trying so hard. I just don’t know what else we can do for you anymore.”

 

I breathed in sharply, delicate and shuddering beneath his still gentle touch. “Why am I like this?” I said beneath a sob, turning around and clutching onto my brother’s arms so that I wouldn’t claw through my own skin again.

 

“Hey, easy Matt,” Paul said quietly, trying to pry my fingers away. “I don’t want you to scratch me.”

 

“I’m sorry,” I choked out, a fresh wave of tears falling rapidly down my face as my throat began to constrict in a now familiar way. I let go of his arm and grabbed onto the an old rug that was strewn across the floor of the toilet. I sat up quickly as another wave of sick passed through me and I leaned my clammy forehead against the toilet lid, willing the nausea to pass quickly. “I can’t keep doing this,” I whispered a few minutes later when it subsided. “I just... I literally don’t know what to do anymore.”

 

Paul was staring at me intently, studying my face and seeming to thoroughly consider his thoughts before saying anything to me. “Do you think you need help?”

 

“Paul, I’m getting help. It’s not doing any good.”

 

“No, I meant... Like at a center.”

 

“A psychiatric hospital?” I asked, already trying to rid the picture from my head. “I’m not crazy,” I whispered.

 

“I know that. It might help you if there were people constantly there, so you don’t hurt yourself again.”

 

His voice was gentle yet stern, and I disagreed with every word he said. I didn’t want to be watched like a hawk for every second of every day. I didn’t want to be pushed into the stereotype that people with psychiatric problems are fucked up beyond repair, although it felt like my life was quickly crawling toward that road anyway. I didn’t want to be condemned to a schedule, a queue three times a day to take a handful of prescribed pills, a lifeless room that only held shame in its walls.

 

“I just want this all to be over. Please.”

 

“Matt, I think we should consider admitting you. It might be good for you.”

 

“I can’t. I can’t go to a place like that,” I said, beginning to shake again. “No, I won’t.”

 

“Matt, look at you!” Paul exclaimed, exasperation heavy in his voice. “This isn’t healthy. Every waking moment you’re left alone I worry that you’ve hurt yourself in some way or another, and quite frankly, it’s taking its toll on this whole family.”

“Then stop worrying!” I shouted. “If you’re all so affected from it, just ignore me! Leave me alone!”

 

“You know we can’t do that.”

 

“Why not?!” I was losing my voice, my throat cracking under every word. I felt my body shutting down, my vision dwindling, my blood pumping furiously in a way that told me I was about to blackout again. “Just kill me! I’m of no use anymore!”

 

“Matthew James-”

“Stop it!” I pleaded. “Stop acting like you care. What if I died right now? No one would care! You could go back to your normal lives!” I was losing it. My mind was a whirlwind of fucked up thoughts and emotions I had no control over. It wasn’t even about Dom anymore. No one knew what it was about. Something in my mind had gone amiss, something was terribly wrong with me, but I had no desire to try and mend it. “Just let me die,” I sobbed. “I can’t do this anymore.”

 

Paul’s hand was on mine in less than a second, grasping me hard. “You’re not going anywhere.”

 

“Paul?” came Elena’s voice from around the corner. “Is everything okay?”

 

Paul took a deep breath, pulling my reluctant body closer to his. “Love, take Sarah and Corrine out for a bit with Soldier. I think I’m going to take Matt to the hospital.”

 

“You can’t take me there,” I whispered.

 

“Paul, what’s going on?”

 

“Elena, please-”

 

She appeared in the doorway, looking down at the two of us with concern. I didn’t want to face her, instead choosing to bury my head into my own arms and claw desperately at the back of my neck. I shut my eyes, content to let the guilt wash over me until I blacked out again. I couldn’t look at anyone, not with the absolute terror that was filling my veins.

 

“Paul,” Elena said softly. “Take the girls and Soldier out. I think I need to take care of Matthew for a bit.” I lifted my heavy head to stare at her, her eyes filled with concern. “It’s okay, Matt,” she told me as Paul reluctantly let go and I let out a sob. “Just relax.” She turned to Paul, quickly wiping a tear from her eye before pressing a soft kiss to his cheek. She whispered something in his ear, and then my brother left, leaving Elena standing over me with a calm expression on her face but eyes that showed me just how she really felt.

 

“I’m sorry,” I whispered.

 

She shook her head, moving forward to sit on the floor next to me and wrap her arms around my still trembling body. I felt her lips press a kiss against my forehead as I shook without control. Her embrace was familiar to me, something I’d been missing for years and years: the tight squeezes, the warm chest, the beating of a heart, the feminine smell. I missed it so much. I missed Mum. Elena, Kelly, and Arianna were the closest people I had to a mum.

 

“I’ve got you, Matt. I won’t let you go anywhere.”  
  
  
  
“I can’t do this Elena,” I choked. “I can’t.”

 

She pulled back and looked at me intently with her swirling eyes. “You can,” she said. “Matthew, you are so strong.”

 

“It’s obvious that I’m not,” I said as I stared down at my pale arm, marred with scars from my own nails.

 

“You’re still here. You’re alive, you’re breathing, that’s the greatest accomplishment any human can achieve. Life is a beautiful thing. You made it through the death of your parents, do you understand how incredible that is?”

 

I took a deep breath, tears stinging my eyes. “I’m not strong without him.”

 

“Oh Matthew,” Elena whispered quietly, using her thumb to wipe away a stray tear and push my hair off my forehead, something Mum used to do for me when I was younger. “I wish I could make it all better. I wish I knew how.”

 

“It’s okay, it’s not your fault.”

 

“No, I know that.” She began absentmindedly rubbing my back just as I heard the front door of the house open and close and the pitter patter of dog paws and the clink of a collar and leash. We sat in silence for a few minutes, my trembles still consistent in timing but lessening in intensity. My vision was blurry still and my breaths were choppy, but an overall sense of calm was washing over me as I let Elena hold me in her arms. Just like Mum. “You know,” she said softly a bit later. “I’m positive he still loves you. He might be out there looking for you, right now.”

 

“Doubt it,” I said under my breath, leaning my head forward into her arms again, craving the warmth she provided.

 

“Don’t say that. You saved his life and no matter what happened, he’s never going to forget that.”

 

“What happened was pretty terrible though.”

 

“You ever think that you blew it out of proportion?” she asked.

 

“Elena, you weren’t there. You didn’t see the way his face turned, the wash of disappointment. I’ve never seen a more horrible thing than the distrust I saw that night. And at the time I didn’t even recognize it. That’s the worst part! I deserve to die for what I did to him!”

 

Her face was shocked when those words left my mouth, and she quickly began shaking her head. “If you deserved to be dead then you’d be dead.”

 

I flinched.

 

“Matt, I’m not religious, but I believe there’s a reason you’re still alive right now. With everything that’s happened, if you were supposed to be dead by now, you’d most likely be dead. You serve a purpose in this world.”

 

“I don’t believe that,” I said plainly, pushing her arms away from me and standing up. It was happening again; the trembles kicked back up and the nausea was returning. I quickly fell to the ground and rushed toward the toilet again, gagging even though nothing came out. Elena simply watched the entire time, her hand coming to rest on my shoulder and rub comforting circles into my back.

 

“Just breathe,” she commanded gently.

 

“Can’t,” I choked out. My lungs were on fire and I could physically feel the blood in my veins pulsing against the skin all over my body, needing to be clawed out and let free. I let my left hand travel to my ankle, gripping hard against the thin skin.

 

“Matt, no!” Elena was quick to pull my hand away before I could do any damage. Her face was blurred and her words were scrambled, my head lolled to the side as I stared at her.

 

“I have to.”

 

“No, shh. When Paul gets back, I’m going to have him take you in for a bit.”

 

“No!” I screamed, trying to break free. I couldn’t go to a place like that, I couldn’t. I wasn’t crazy, I wasn’t insane. “Please, no.” Her hand shot out to steady me as I began to rock back and forth, crumbling in on myself. “I can’t. No.”

 

Spiralling out of control, shakes shot through my body like electricity, and I found myself on the floor slowly dwindling into unconsciousness. I didn’t know how long it lasted. All of Elena’s words were unknown to my ringing ears and confused mind. Maybe seconds, maybe minutes, maybe hours later, I heard the door open and the sound of footsteps in the house again. I could no longer see or hear anything, and could only sense the pain shooting through my entire body. My ability to breathe was completely gone, and all I could do was attempt to gulp down air to help aid my burning lungs. There was rattling and shouting and something that sounded like the chime of someone calling my iPhone going off - all of it a blur - and then I was being picked up and placed somewhere in an upright position, something rubbing against my neck and the rhythm of motion making my vacant mind spin and stutter. Mumbled words tumbled out of my mouth, screams echoed in my ears, and something was grabbing my wrist, though which one I could not tell. Something shattered, and I finally lost the game, falling into an empty abyss of sleep which I hoped would soon turn into death.

 

~

 

Waking up in a hospital bed was something I should’ve gotten used to but never did. A foreign bed is always the strangest thing, the wonder of how you got there clogging your mind, making you lose your ability to rationalize. Luckily for me, I woke up to Elena rubbing my hand and Sarah sitting in a chair with Corrine napping in her lap.

 

“Where’s Paul?” I mumbled.

 

“He’s getting some food downstairs,” Elena said quietly. “Matthew, do you know where you are?”

 

“Hospital,” I said, wrinkling my nose as I realized there was a tube in it. I wiggled my right arm, feeling the familiar sting of an I.V. moving against my vein. I frowned.

 

“You’re going to be staying here for a while, okay? You need people to take care of you. They have an amazing center here for people like you, they’re going to get you all better.”

 

“M’sleepy,” was all I had to reply since I was unable to process exactly what she’d said.

 

“Go to sleep. I’ll be here when you wake up.”

 

My head slowly fell back and forth in a half nod, and my eyes were shut again before I could even think about saying anything else.

 

~

 

I awoke again an indeterminable time later to the sound of voices.

 

“Should I tell him that he’s here? Or would that just upset him?”

 

“I don’t know.”  
  
  
  
“I’m not sure if that’s such a good idea.”

 

“When are we going to admit him to the center across the way?”  
  
  
  
“Well he still needs to be kept here for a few days. I might change up his medicines a bit, since they don’t seem to be doing the trick. Also, I’ll try and contact his therapist and see if there’s a way we can get her here too. A change in therapists might screw up any progress he’s made, if there is any, of course.”

 

“Right. Will he be allowed visitors once admitted?”

 

“Yes, although they are very strict with who and when is allowed.”

 

“Of course, understandable.”

 

I blearily opened my eyes and let my head fall to the left so I could see which people matched the voices I was hearing. Everyone was blurry, but a woman whom I recognized was Elena walked forward and took my hand in hers before pressing a kiss to my cheek.

 

“Get some more sleep, sweetie. It’s going to get better soon.”

 

Her voice was sweet and believable, though still obscured, and I shut my eyes again.

  
I couldn’t tell if I’d fallen asleep or not, maybe I had, maybe I hadn’t, but some time later I felt her slide into bed beside me and begin to gently rub my back. Maybe my mind was playing tricks on me and it was really just a dream, but it was the safest I’d felt in a really long time. It was something I’d missed for months and months, and I wasn’t sure if I ever wanted to let that feeling of security leave me again.


	35. Chapter 35

When I next woke up, all I received were pity stares from the people surrounding my bed; nurses were checking my blood pressure, giving me glances that made it appear like they cared (when in reality they didn’t), doctors who went over with Paul, yet again, which medications I had to take at what times, and worst of all, the children.

 

Whatever motivated Chris and Kelly to come be with me in the hospital was beyond me. What made them decide to bring Ava Jo and Alfie was impossible for my brain to even begin to comprehend. Ava Jo didn’t seem to care much, she simply played with her doll in the corner, but all Alfie could do was stare at me. Perhaps it was due to his Asperger’s Syndrome; the blank stares he gave me and the way he continually played with the yellow plastic truck in his tiny hands told me he might not actually have been in the room with me. The rhythm his fingers tapped out on the toy truck was familiar, possibly something his father had taught him while seated together at a drum kit.

 

I offered the small boy a tiny smile and got nothing in return. Deciding that he most likely wasn’t present, I curled back around myself under the scratchy blanket and shut my eyes, blocking out the harsh lights so I could get some rest.

 

It didn’t last long; voices were whispering and things were happening. Elena was sitting next to me and continually holding my hand, squeezing and stroking whenever I let out tiny sounds of discomfort.

 

“Try to sleep,” she would mumble every few minutes, leading me to drift on and off for a bit before fully awakening for an hour or so. Then, I would be forced to take tiny sips of water, eat mushy hospital food and keep it in my stomach, and stay awake long enough for the hospital staff to ask more and more pointless questions that I’d already answered a million times before.

 

“You can sleep now,” they’d say to me as they injected medicine into my bloodstream, making my eyes heavy and my limbs tingle before I fell asleep.

 

Sometimes I would wake up to find the room empty, which was a nice change. Silence was needed and enjoyed, the hypnotic beeping of the hospital machines reminding me of the metronomes I was so familiar with from playing piano. It reminded me of home, of late nights with the fireplace running and snow just barely dusting the streets of London and Soldier at the side of my piano bench as I charted out a new song for a student. I missed those nights, when I’d take a break to make a nice cup of tea (or if I wanted to treat myself, hot cocoa) before settling back down for a few hours of just playing without thinking.

 

I missed living. I missed the simplicity of it, the repetitiveness of it. I missed it so much, and the fact that I would most likely never experience it in the way I knew ever again was terrifying. Days spent making love in bed with Dom were now just days spent in a dead hospital room with nothing but shit telly to keep me occupied. I needed him, needed his touch, his scent, his love.

 

Falling asleep was a struggle that left me fighting. Panic attacks frequently wrecked my body, blurring my vision and restraining my limbs so terribly that often times I was held down by arms I did not recognize. At least the security of it was comforting, making sure I didn’t scratch up my skin yet again.

 

It was pathetic, but it was the only thing I had.

 

~

 

“Do you want to play trains with me?”

 

I blearily opened my eyes to find a small boy staring straight up at me, his eyes huge and worrisome as they looked into mine.

 

“Alfie,” came a voice from behind the boy. I looked up, seeing Chris walking forward to collect his son. “Matthew needs to rest.” The man gave me a sympathetic smile and lightly touched my hand before gently pulling on Alfie's shirt to lead him away.

 

“But I want to play trains with Matthew,” the little boy mumbled as tears started collecting in his large eyes. “Trains make people happy.”

 

“Not today, Alfie-”

 

“Chris,” I croaked out, laying my hand on his. “I’d love to play with Alfie.” He looked at me with a surprised expression on his face and I shrugged. “Might help me take my mind off of stuff.”

 

“Fair enough,” Chris said, touching my hand again and moving to the opposite side of the room to sit down on one of the chairs. He pulled out a book and crossed his legs, only glancing up when Alfie somehow scrambled onto the bed beside me with two toy trains grasped in his hands - a blue one for him and a red one for me. “Be careful, Alfie,” he said gently, offering us both a small smile.

 

Whatever “playing trains” implied, that’s what we did. I gave a half-arsed attempt at running the red train down the length of my bed, sitting up to give myself more reach. Alfie giggled when I made the train collide with my pillow, and he quickly joined in the collision with his own toy train. For a few seconds the trains flew through the air before clattering to the floor at the base of my hospital bed, resulting in a giggling Alfie and a good natured glare on Chris’ face as he looked in his son’s direction.

 

I enjoyed myself. Interacting with children was something that came very naturally to me, probably due to all my experience with Sarah and Corrine when they were younger, and the fact that I’d been teaching piano for longer than I could remember. It was relaxing. Where other people were stressed out by the presence of children, I was the opposite; seeing the way their young minds operated with still so many things to experience was educational for me. They were still at the starting line of their lives, yet to be faced with the obstacles I was currently struggling to overcome.

 

When Alfie fell asleep, Chris walked over to us to pick him up and place him in Kelly’s waiting arms. I watched them with droopy eyes from my spot on the hospital bed, only wishing I had someone to hold me the way Kelly was holding Alfie.

 

I missed intimacy, that feeling of being able to tell another person absolutely everything that’s on your mind. I had family and doctors and Lanie and close friends, but I connected with none of those people on the same plane of emotional understanding that I had with Dom before. The silly things, the secretive things, the important things, they all had to be said at some point, and not having that person to tell them to was doing my head in.

 

Lanie suggested I stop thinking about him, at least in the past tense, but I couldn’t stop. No matter how hard I tried to stop, I could not stop. Dom was just the same as scratching at my skin: a permanent part of my life that was never going to go away. He was stuck on me like a scar, and not a tiny one that is easily covered by clothing or hair or a hat. Dom was like one of those huge scars, thick and white and deep and noticeable enough that everyone finds it necessary to ask about or point out.

 

I could never stop thinking about him. Such an important man in my life, the one who gave me all I’d ever asked for, would never go forgotten.

 

It was hard to admit, but I still loved him. I loved him with all my heart, more than I thought was possible. I loved his smile when he successfully cooked something without burning the house down, his gruff voice when he first woke up in the morning, his arms when they’d wrap around me in the late hours of night with sheets tangled between us. I loved him so much, and hated what I’d done to him. Still, he had a strong grip on my heart, and whether he was physically present in my life or not, that grip was never going to loosen, not until long after the day I died.

 

I needed him. The air I breathed and the life I lived were only for him.

 

~

 

I often heard crying when I slept. I was never aware if it was real or coming from the foggy dream state my mind found itself trapped in. It was a horrid sound, almost gut-wrenching in its nature. It was hard to drown out in my dreams, so I was forced to listen to it. Whatever medications they had me on were heavy, because whenever I attempted to force myself awake to end the crying, no matter how hard I tried I just couldn’t open my eyes.

 

The person seemed unexplainably sad, and that hurt me. I wanted to make it all better for them. Unfortunately, I didn’t know how I could do that.

 

~

 

I was checked into the psychiatric hospital five days after being taken away from the house in Teignmouth. It was not what I had expected. It was small and the staff were friendly and there was even a recreational room with activities for the patients to do. I came across no straightjackets, no padded rooms, no windows with bars across the panes of glass, and no beds with restraints on them.

 

Most of the other people I met were similar to me, battling depression and different anxiety disorders. One woman was schizophrenic, but still conversational; some of the things she said were completely absurd, but I couldn’t help but feel bad for her. One of the other patients told me she’d lost her parents to a house fire that she’d started because her imaginary friend had told her to do it. I wasn’t sure if I believed that, though. Still, her past was shaky, and I could only emphasize with her since I was more than acquainted with the lifetime of pain associated with such a loss.

 

The first few nights in the hospital were hard. I often woke up panicking and pulling at my hair whilst screaming into the night, leaving me plunged in lonely darkness and the monster of guilt trying to pull me away from reality. The nurses would then come in and comfort me, talk me down from the attacks. They were really good at it, expert in fact, though I preferred Elena. Ideally, it would’ve been Dom, but that was impossible.

 

What made those nights even worse was the fact that I wasn’t allowed visitors for the first week, although phone calls were okay, which I made sure to do daily so I could keep up with my family. Still, overcoming a panic attack with only the nurses’ touch was difficult. They weren’t my family, and never would be. I was just another patient they had to take care of.

 

After the first week, I settled into a routine. I’m not really sure how long I was in the psychiatric hospital; the days started to morph together after the first month or so. Every day was a busy yet repetitive schedule of therapy sessions, activities in the recreation room, moderately appetizing meals, medication lines, and visiting hours. I always had a fair amount of visitors, which made me feel appreciated.

 

In fact, I was starting to realize just how important I was to those peoples’ lives. I told this to the therapist (who I was fond of, but didn’t like as much as Lanie), and she said that was a very good sign. It meant progress. I began feeling almost normal again, as normal as one can feel in a psychiatric hospital while being constantly watched and supervised. I was still sad, but I channeled the sadness and guilt into something other than harming myself. Being left alone to my thoughts was not without consequences, at least not yet, but I was able to go into the recreation and fiddle about with the dusty and out of tune piano they had sitting there. Still, it was a piano, and it gave me a way to push out all the negative thoughts and simply relax, something I hadn’t been able to do in a very long time.

 

~

 

It was after being in the psychiatric hospital for a month and a half that I was officially released. Although my recovery had been minor, I’d found ways to deal with panic attacks without the negative effects I’d dealt with before. For this reason, the professionals thought it was best for me to go home and be with my family.

 

Christmas and New Year’s came and went, and it was the first year since Sarah had been born that I didn’t join my family on the sofa to watch A Nightmare Before Christmas. After experiencing the film once with Dom, I couldn’t watch it without him. It just wasn’t the same.

 

I still found myself having violent panic attacks almost daily, sometimes so serious I thought I was going to suffocate. I wanted nothing more than to get back to normal life in London with Soldier and teaching piano at the studio, but I knew that was still a long way to come. Long days spent wrapped in blankets in front of the telly were common, and often times I cried myself to sleep on the sofa and had to be carried to my bedroom by Paul like I was a small helpless child. I felt that way, sometimes.

 

The cries were still present in my dreams, though not as often, and only when I was asleep for long periods of time. I still felt awful, wanting to comfort and hold whoever it was that was crying like that, for I knew about that kind of suffering.

 

~

I was napping on a Sunday afternoon in January with Soldier tucked securely under my arm while he watched snow fall down from the skies in large fluffy clumps. I wanted to take him out there, possibly down to the pier, but couldn’t find the motivation. Two hours earlier I’d been triggered by guilt again and scratched up the outside of my thigh, which then lead to over an hour of nonstop crying before I had to crawl to the toilet to be sick again. Eight months and it still hurt like it’d been yesterday.

 

Voices were outside my door as I rested my eyes, and I could especially hear Corrine begging Sarah and Miriam to take her out to play in the snow. There was a fluster of high pitched giggles before I heard the door open and shut and the shuffling of three pairs of boot clad feet. No use staying awake, then.

 

Sleep overtook me in seconds, and just before I drifted off, I saw my bedroom door open and Paul’s lean figure slip inside. My eyes became glassy just as he walked forward to my bedside and took my hand, crying gently to himself. I was too exhausted to come up with a response.

 

~

 

Warm heat was radiating by my side, my body warm under multiple blankets and layers of clothing. I shifted, feeling Soldier’s long body stretched out behind me.

 

I could hear Paul’s voice, along with a very soft mumble that was familiar but distant in my sleepy mind.

 

“Hey, how is he?”

 

“Still asleep, he’s starting to move a bit though.”

 

“Mmm. You want some tea?”

 

“Nah, cheers. I’ll stay here until he wakes up, I think.”

 

There was some shuffling. Soldier shifted and I sighed contentedly before I was aware of Paul speaking again.

 

“Okay. One more thing...”

 

“Yeah?”

 

“Don’t be surprised if he... You know... Panics.”

 

“Yeah, I’ll be careful, thanks Paul.”

 

A hand reached out and touched the back of my neck, and I immediately stiffened, my eyes shooting open. There was no one in front of me but Soldier, staring at me with big brown eyes and his tail thumping against the rug in the room.

 

“Soldier?” I mumbled groggily, reaching out to run my hand over one of his floppy ears. His head cocked to the side and he sat back on his haunches, letting out a whine of content. “There’s a good boy,” I said softly, groaning as I felt the sobs from earlier catching in my throat. I fell asleep again soon after, just barely registering the breath I could feel on the back of my head.

 

~

 

When I next woke up, the room was pitch black and Soldier was gone. Arms were wrapped around my middle, and I shivered at the touch that was so familiar but so forgotten.

 

“It’s okay, baby, I’m here,” he whispered. My heart stopped. It was his voice, Dom’s voice. It had to be. I didn’t know what to expect when I shifted my entire body to face the other occupant of my bed, but his grey eyes shining in the moonlight confirmed it for me. “I’m here,” the blonde said softly, staring into my eyes. I was paralyzed as I studied every feature on the blonde’s face, every dip, every curve, every line, so intricate but so well-known to my brain. I shut my eyes once, feeling tears gather as I began to tremble horribly. His arms automatically tightened and I felt safe.

 

I whimpered out loud before pushing my head into his chest. I could feel the chuckle vibrate against my cheekbone before the familiar pulsing heartbeat came.

 

“No,” I whispered.

 

“No?” he replied.

 

I shook my head as the tears came cascading down my pale skin and the ricochet of shaking took my body. “This isn’t happening,” I choked. “You... You can’t be here.”

 

“I’m here, love. I’m never leaving again.”

 

“No,” I choked out one last time. I saw the puzzled look on his face that slowly turned to horror as I fell to the side, being sick right there on the bed before passing out. I could hear his quiet cries the entire time.


	36. Chapter 36

Waking up with his hand on my hand was not something I expected nor necessarily enjoyed, to my surprise. The tremors started right away, and although his voice was comforting and safe, I did not want it.

 

Guilt had become my best friend, and I did not want him to see me when I was overcome with it.

 

My entire body shook and I wailed and my throat was raw and I clawed at my skin and I screamed at him to leave, but he stayed. I couldn’t face him, not when I knew how horrible and shitty of a person I was. He didn’t deserve a man like me, a man who said the most awful things to him when all he needed was a man to love him.

 

I did love him, so much, but my way of showing it had been cruel and inhuman.

 

I burrowed my head into my pillow, attempting to asphyxiate myself.

 

When he tried to take the pillow from me, he was gentle. One hand tried to pry it away while the other remained on the middle of my back. “You need to breathe,” he said softly.

 

“No I don’t,” I choked out, making a grab for the pillow. His hand was quick to pull it from my reach. I looked at him with tears clouding my eyes and quickly flipped over, curling in on myself as sticky trails left my eyes and dampened the bed sheets. I held one arm out in front of me, clawing the unmarked area with uneven nails until blood dampened my fingers and the torn skin. He tried to grasp my wrist, and I screamed at him to stop.

 

“You’re hurting yourself,” he said, his voice gentle and even. I shook my head, continuing to scratch and pick at deep scabs that had just begun to heal. “Love, please stop.”

 

My body trembled and my head pounded. One half of my brain was telling me to listen to Dom, just listen to him for my own mind’s sake, but the other half was telling me to continue scratching because it was what I deserved.

 

“Matthew,” he said again. “Please.”

 

“No!” I shouted. “I’m not worth it anymore! Please leave me!” I screamed some more at him, forcing myself into the smallest ball I could, curling in and leaving him on the outside. “Leave me... Please leave me.”

 

“Love, I’m not going to do that again.” His words were growing heavy with tears.

 

“No,” I choked, shaking my head. “No! I’m not worth it! I should be dead. Of all people in the world, I deserve to be dead. I fucked up, Dom! And I don’t understand how you can just...”

 

My throat locked up and I couldn’t say anything else. It was like the walls were lined with sand, making it an impossible task for me to swallow or speak. I simply stared at him and he stared back, a lost look in his eyes that showed me nothing but sadness.

 

“I’m sorry,” I managed to choke out as my eyes began to blur. “So sorry.”

 

I grew lightheaded as I gasped for breath and tried to speak. Dom mumbled something, but I couldn’t hear him through the pounding in my head and the shaking in the rest of my body. I felt his arms wrap around me, and the trembles began to fade away as I grew accustomed to his warmth and the weight of his body against mine. Something wet pressed against the back of my neck; it was the familiar feeling of a tear stained cheek.

 

“Why are you crying?” I whispered once I had control over my voice again. I was growing calm again, nearly drifting off as Dom’s fingers traced over my arm.

 

“Because I can’t believe I did this to you,” he replied. His fingers ran over the one scar that had put me in the hospital and I flinched away from the touch, a tiny sting being emitted from the place where nails had broken skin. “I just... I didn’t realize how bad it had gotten.”

 

It was the most we’d spoken since he’d returned. I still had hundreds upon hundreds of question to be answered, questions to be answered by both him and myself. Questions that, if failed to be answered, would haunt me for the rest of my life.

 

Full words and complete sentences from Dominic were strangely unfamiliar to me. The last time we’d truly spoken was a time I wanted to permanently forget about it. Shouting, crying, screaming, sobbing, all things that plagued my mind and led me into the ditch I’d sunk so far into. Mud was sucking me in, pulling me under even as I tried so hard to claw myself out, only to add more scars to my body and more reasons why I should’ve quit trying months ago.

 

“Love, you’re shaking again,” Dom whispered, immediately cupping my cheek and moving himself further down into the bed so we were eye level. “You’re safe, I’ve got you.”

 

I blinked, expecting his image to completely drift away from my reach. He was still there, though.

 

I shook as his arms wrapped themselves securely around my thin waist. He smelled like he always did: like home. My head found itself nestled against his chest, where I continued to tremble and sob into the collar of his tee shirt, drenching the fabric with my pathetically unnecessary tears. He said no words when I cried out every few minutes or when I shakily brought a cold glass of water to my lips then dropped it and watched with helpless eyes as it spilled against the floor. His eyes were not degrading, and I did not feel judged. He simply held me tight, rubbed the heel of his hand between my shoulder blades, and pressed the gentlest of kisses to my neck.

 

Every few minutes, he’d tell me he was sorry for what he did. I didn’t understand that; he did absolutely nothing wrong.

 

I was to blame for everything, but he didn’t seem to realize that yet, which did puzzle me quite a lot. He should’ve understood that this was all my fault. If it wasn’t my fault, then why exactly had he left? It just didn’t add up and nothing made sense to me.

 

Yes, I knew I was shaking; he didn’t need to remind me of that. I could feel the trembles in every part of my body, corrosively moving through my nerves and veins, every shiver being an intense contraction of muscle that I had no control over. I wanted it all to stop, everything, all the shaking and all the pain.

 

It chipped away at me as I came undone in Dom’s arms. His hold, his voice, and his scent became my reality, the only thing I had left to hold onto as another panic attack hit me head on. His words were soft and slightly blurred, and when I looked into his eyes I could see nothing through the fast fall of tears coursing down my face.

 

“This is not your fault,” he said gently, though I could hardly hear him over the rapid beating of my heart and the pulsing of blood in my head. “I’m here. Just breathe.”

 

I couldn’t breathe, it wasn’t that easy. Every gasp for air turned into a gasp for life, and life was not something I thought I particularly deserved. Still, he continued to tell me to breathe. I had to listen to him. After everything I’d done to him, listening to him was the smallest thing I could do to show him I still loved him.

 

“There you go,” he mumbled, continuing to stroke my back as the frantic gasps lessened and normal breaths of air took their place. We were sitting up against the headboard then, his arm over my back and his hand dangling in front of my shoulder. His other hand was on top of his thigh which was just a few centimeters apart from mine. I looked down at my shaking fingers, and he gently set my hand in his, giving it a tiny squeeze.

 

I focused on taking full breaths, filling my lungs with the air they needed. My head unknowingly fell to the side atop Dom’s shoulder, leading him to automatically scoot closer to me. He was so warm, much warmer than the scratchy blankets at the hotel and the layers upon layers of sweaters and jumpers I wore to keep myself from being cold. I turned into him, trying to scoot closer as I continued to take full but unsteady breaths. Both his arms wrapped around me once again with no hesitation.

 

“I love you,” he whispered. My heart stopped and I froze in his arms. “I love you so much. I’m so sorry.”

 

There were tears; Dominic was crying. I could feel it wetting the back of my neck, dripping repeatedly onto my skin. I shivered at the feeling, so similar to the beginning of our relationship but then so completely different at the same time. It was nothing like the beginning.

 

Was it even a relationship anymore? Surely, I still loved him. I still cared about him more than any other thing in the world, but did he feel the same way? It was hard to imagine that the same man who rescued him from his descent into darkness was me. There was no way he still felt the same way for me as he did back then. I shivered at the thought that maybe he never even loved me back then, that it was all an illusion I’d made up for myself.

 

The second his lips pressed against the skin on my neck again, those thoughts disappeared. I melted and could physically feel the nerves drift away from my body. He felt so good, just the way I remembered from months and months ago. God, I’d missed him so much. Even if he didn’t still love me and was planning on leaving again, I had the opportunity to feel him holding me one last time. I didn’t want it to be the last time, though. If it were completely up to me, there would never be a last time.

 

“I’m staying,” he whispered just then, kissing below my jaw again. “I’m never letting you go ever again. God, Matt, I was so stupid.”

 

I could do nothing but shake my head and try to stop crying. He was wrong, so wrong. He was not stupid in any way; it was all my own doing. It was all my fault. Everything was my fault.

 

“It was my fault,” I said, shaking and turning in his arms to press myself against his body. I had to feel his warmth, my constant reminder that he was there and alive and still with me.

 

“No, love. None of this was.”

 

“But it was,” I choked.

 

His hand immediately cupped my jaw and his forehead leaned against mine, his eyes blinking closed. “No.” He ran a hand through his hair. “No, Matt. Just, please listen to me-”

 

“There’s nothing to listen to,” I said softly, interrupting him.

 

He shook his head again and leaned back, staring straight into my eyes. “You have no idea, do you?” he whispered, seeming astounded.

 

“What are you talking about?” I asked as I began to cry again. “I’m so confused, Dom.” My hands shook as I brought them atop his shoulders and tried to pull myself closer to him, finally taking to pressing my forehead into the spot between his chin and collar bones, against his neck. “Why are you even here?” I whispered, lifting my hand to trace his spine through his tee shirt. “I’m so confused.”

 

“Oh Matt,” he said, rubbing his hands down my back. “Love, you did nothing wrong, okay? Just, hear me out, yeah?” I let out a shaky breath and nodded as a few more tears tumbled down my cheeks. Dom pressed his lips to my forehead before taking my hand in his again. “I overreacted. I overreacted and, love, I thought you knew that! I honestly thought you’d get that right away. I just... I needed a night to myself, I think. But then I was too much of a coward to come back because I started thinking, and, like, what if you didn’t want me back because I overreacted like that?! And then when I finally got the nerve to come back and apologize and face you, you were gone. So then I called the music studio and someone other than Gloria picked up and when I asked where you were they told me you were in the hospital and I just... I fucking panicked, Matt. I thought something horrible had happened and I was too afraid to find out so I just... I left. I went back to where I was and I cried and cried because I had no idea where you were and you had no idea where I was and I’d left my mobile with you and I was too scared to ask Tom and Arianna for help so instead of being smart I did absolutely nothing. I left you when you needed me most, and God, every day I hate myself for leaving. Every morning I wake up and wish I’d stayed. It fucking haunts me, Matt.”

 

“But the things I said to you-”

 

“Were absolutely nothing! Love, how can you not see how insignificant and petty they were?”

 

“I don’t know! I don’t... I-” I put my trembling fingers against my scalp and pulled hard on the strands of my hair. “I don’t know, Dom!” I fell to the side, covering my face with my hands and beginning to scratch again, forcing my lips into a tight line as I ground my teeth together in anxiety. It didn’t help me in any way; it just made my nerves creep even closer to the edge.

 

“You don’t have to know,” Dominic whispered, gently prying my hands away from my face. “You don’t have to know anything except that I love you, okay?”

 

“B-but,” I stuttered. “How can you?”

 

Dom shook his head and blinked slowly, solemnity clouding his grey eyes and clawing out to me like a monster. Once again, through my own tears, I could see droplets of liquid forming in Dom’s eyes, teetering over the lids and splashing to our skin and the bed beneath us. He quickly wiped them away, the moisture dotting his eyelashes and leaving stains on his skin. “How could I not?” he asked softly, reaching up to brush his fingers against my cheekbone. “Matthew, you...” He moved his head down again, quickly pressing his fingers into his forehead and rubbing before looking up again. “You stayed alive for me.”

 

“I might be living, Dom, but I’m no longer alive.” I looked straight into his eyes as I said it, and the flinch that hit him was quite possibly the biggest, most visible motion I’d ever seen.

 

“Please don’t say that,” he whispered in a rush. “Please.” He sat back on his bum and brought his knees up to his chest, pulling them in and setting his forehead against them. He mumbled something into his legs that I could not understand then looked at me again. “Please, I just-” Dom shifted closer and wrapped his arms around my shaking form “-I love you so much and I just want you to realize it so you can focus on getting better!”

 

“I can’t get better, Dom,” I sobbed out as it hit me what kind of mess I was in. “This-” I waved around the room and pointed to a few of the scratches on my arm “-is irreversible! I fucked up big time, so just, leave!”

 

“I’m not doing that,” he said softly, blinking away a few tears. “You took care of me for a long time, and now it’s my turn to take care of you. I shouldn’t have left. I should’ve been there for you instead of being weak like I was.” I opened my mouth to say something but he quickly brought a finger to my lips and I shut my mouth. “Don’t you dare tell me you’re the weak one, Matt, because you’re not. God, you’re the strongest man I’ve ever met, you saved my life for Christ’s sake, and I repaid you for that in the worst way possible, so please, don’t you ever say that you’re weak.”

 

“I don’t know what to do.”

 

“Hey,” he said, wrapping his arms around me again. “You don’t need to know what to do, okay? I’m here, love. I’ll always be here to take care of you.”

 

I shook and he automatically squeezed tighter, immediately bringing relief to my nervous body. “You won’t leave again?” I asked with the tiniest of sniffles, my voice small and cracking against tears.

 

“Never.”

 

My eyes shut as I took a deep breath of air, filling my lungs. Dom was silent, breathing in and out next to me with one hand rubbing my back and the other holding and squeezing my hand that was between us. His touch left shivers on my skin, little bursts of electricity and emotion I hadn’t experienced from anyone in months. There was something magnetic between us, something I’d lacked without him, and no matter how much I told myself I didn’t deserve him, I would never not admit that the force between us was unexplainable seeing as I’d never encountered it with anyone else. Regardless of the time we had left together, whether he would leave me the next morning or he would stay by me for the rest of our lives, in that moment I was his and I knew I was; I physically felt it.

 

I leaned into him, tucking my head into the spot right atop his shoulder. He sighed and turned, pressing a kiss to my cheek that I could still feel almost an hour later when Paul leaned into the room. He told us that Elena had cooked dinner - rosemary chicken with rice - and that the meal was ready. Slowly, Dom helped me walk to the table. I held onto him tightly every step of the way because letting go seemed like the worst thing possible at the time.

 

We ate together with the rest of the family, everyone remaining silent, and I actually managed to eat more than half of my meal, which was more than I had had since getting home from the hospital. After that, we went back to the room where I immediately fell asleep with Dom’s fingers tracing patterns up and down and across my shoulder blades. I was relaxed, not happy, but relaxed.

 

I woke up three hours later to a panic attack. I scratched at my skin and I screamed at Dom, but I did not throw up. Dom told me that was good, that he was proud of me. I didn’t believe him.

 

 


	37. Chapter 37

“Are you sure that you’re okay with me coming inside with you today?” Dom asked as he opened the passenger door of the car for me, holding out his hand for me to grab onto as I brought myself up from the seat. “I’m fine waiting for you, I don’t want to make you uncomfortable. I mean-” he lowered his voice “-it’s your first time seeing her for a long time and I don’t want you to feel weird with me in there.”

 

I shook my head quickly and gripped Dom’s hand.

 

“Okay, okay,” he said softly. “I won’t leave.”

 

“Thank you,” I whispered, ducking my chin into the warmth of my scarf against the brisk February chill. He squeezed my hand once and gave me a light peck on the cheek, which I unintentionally flinched away from. It wasn’t like affection from Dom was unwelcome - I wanted it more than anything else in the world - but it was a very hard thing to once again become familiar with. The brush of lips and the tickle of facial hair was something that was entirely new to me once again; I was pushing myself to quickly relearn everything about being in a relationship.

 

Slowly, as about two weeks passed since he’d come back, conversation drifted between Dom and me. He was so caring and understanding. I still couldn’t figure out why he felt so guilty, though. He stayed with me all the time, constantly holding me and telling me how sorry he was that he had left. At night, I often fell asleep to the touch of his hand on my hand and his faint words whispering senseless things to me. It was calming, almost healing, in a way. I slept better to the sound of his voice than I did to the dark silence that had enveloped me for over seven months.

 

“I love you,” he whispered with a squeeze of my hand as we walked through the door that Lanie was holding open for us. “I love you so much.”

 

I swallowed thickly and nodded, my throat cracking and tears beginning to gather as we sat down next to each other on the sofa. Lanie softly closed the door and sat in the armchair directly across from us, notepad in hand. She looked between Dom and me, immediately writing something down before crossing her leg and greeting us.

 

“I was glad when Paul phoned me,” she began. “I was beginning to worry that you were still in the hospital.”

 

“I hate the hospital,” I mumbled, far too many memories of hospitals and what they represented in my life hitting me with full force- the days after Mum and Dad’s death, the night I found Dom when he very easily could’ve died, the weeks I spent confined in a white room trying to deal with my guilt and extreme self-hatred...

 

“It’s a good place to be, but no place heals the same as a home with family, I think,” she said. “Do you feel you were better at home with Paul and Elena and your nieces?”

 

I shrugged and said nothing. Next to me, Dom began tracing mindless patterns onto the fabric of his trousers. Lanie was watching him.

 

“Dominic?”

 

He looked up at her. His expression was solemn, and it was like getting hit by a large truck; seeing him sad was more painful to me than any pain I could ever inflict on myself.

 

“What made you decide to come back to Matthew?”

 

That question seemed to pain him, seeing as he gave a visible flinch when Lanie’s words reached his ears. He glanced down, his jaw hardening and his eyelashes casting shadows onto his cheeks. The hand in mine grew tense, and I attempted to squeeze it to show him I was there, a sort of reassurance. It was the least I could do.

 

“Because I love him,” he said quietly. I stared at the floor, watching as my tears silently dropped and stained the carpet.

 

“And that’s the only reason?”

 

I closed my eyes, unable to look at either Dom or Lanie. Instead, I listened intently to every word they had to say as I began crying.

 

“I didn’t know he was that bad, and I just... I thought it to be best that I stay away for a bit. We were so in love and everything was so perfect, but I just felt that I was contributing nothing to the relationship. I didn’t have a job or anything, so when that night happened and I was so upset at myself for leaving so quickly, I figured that was the time to, you know, sort my life out. And I did sort it out, but then I found out he was in the hospital and I’d never felt my life flip around more than it did in that moment. I felt so sick that I’d put him there, and I knew that leaving him was the worst mistake I’d ever made.”

 

“Why did you take so long to come back?” I whispered beneath my breath.

 

He turned to look at me, his eyes widening. “What did you say, love?”

 

I remained silent.

 

“He asked why you took so long to come back,” Lanie said quietly.

 

Dom shook his head, his soft blonde hair falling over his eyebrows as he crinkled them and turned to me. “Because I was so scared you wouldn’t want me. I still loved you so much but what if you didn’t love me anymore? I don’t know if I could live anymore if you no longer loved me, so I thought it was best to just not find out, rather than come back to you and discover what could’ve been a painful truth.”

 

“Which one is - hypothetically - more painful: Matthew not loving you, or knowing how much pain Matthew was in without you?” Lanie asked.

 

“They’re both things I really don’t want to think about,” Dom said. “I mean, the thought of him hurting so badly, it hurts me. It hurts me a lot, and there’s nothing I can do about it because it’s in the past.”

 

He started crying, and I had no idea what to do. I glanced at Lanie, who was watching us with close eyes, then put my right hand on top of our two hands that were already grasped together. “Please don’t cry,” I whispered, unable to bear the sound of his tears. It was a sound I’d heard so many times but wished to never hear again. “Please,” I pleaded. “Don’t cry.”

 

“Matt, I can’t not cry. Why did I do this to you? Why? Why in the world would I be stupid enough to leave you like that?”

 

“Dominic,” Lanie said. “Maybe you’re being too hard on yourself. I mean, look at you, both of you.” She gestured between us with her hands. “What happened with you two is almost unheard of. Everything. The way you met, the rate at which you developed a relationship-”

 

“Fell in love,” Dom interrupted. “We didn’t develop a relationship, we fell in love.”

 

Lanie looked at me, prompting me to bring my head up and nod in agreement with Dom. “I agree,” I said quietly.

 

“Okay then,” said Lanie. “Anyway, you two fell in love very quickly and with little to no walls blocking your way. Your relationship was something most couples would be extremely jealous of, that chemistry that’s hard to find these days. So, don’t you think it’s possible that a relationship like that will also have problems that are different from others?”

 

“This wasn’t a problem though,” Dom said quickly. “Matt did nothing wrong. Absolutely nothing.”

 

“I think the problem is that it’s in the past but you both are refusing to let it go. It’s always going to float over you, but don’t let it float over you so much that it changes everything about your lives.”

 

“It’s too painful to let it go,” I murmured beneath my breath.

 

Dom bit his lip and looked down, away from my eyes. “I’m so sorry,” he whispered.

 

I fucked up. I put down my armor for one second and let words slip out that never should’ve slipped out. I was making him upset because I failed to keep my thoughts to myself, and he took those thoughts to heart. He didn’t need to; I could never blame him, for any of this. I was not the victim. I was never the victim, nor would I ever become the victim. I was the rescuer, the one who was supposed to take care of Dom and help him to overcome his demons through my own love and devotion. Making myself fall into a trap of darkness was something a victim would do, and I was not a victim.

 

“I... I’m sorry,” I said, my voice shaking.

 

I was unaware until Dom pressed his hand against my arm that I was trembling again. So much for trying to be strong. His touch against my skin helped me calm down a tiny bit, but my mind was already beginning to race and my heart was already marathoning against my chest so that my breaths came out as sharp, painful gasps.

 

“Breathe, Matt,” Dom commanded, already so used to my frequent panic attacks.

 

“I’m s-sorry.”

 

Everything came in tight constrictions around my chest, and I began shaking my head to try and make it go away. Of course it didn’t work; it never did. I was only left with a pounding in my the front of my head which made my vision blurry and dark, something I was so familiar with but still terrified by.

 

I crouched down into my lap, pressing my head into my thighs and arching my back, already moving my hands toward my arms to scratch. Two hands wrapped around my wrists, withholding me from moving any further. Trembles ran through my limbs as I looked up into both Dom’s and Lanie’s eyes, giving them a silent stare that made Lanie frown slightly to herself and Dom shake his head as he tried not to let himself cry again.

 

“This one isn’t as bad as the others,” Dom said quietly, to Lanie.

 

I wanted to say something, to confirm it, but my body wouldn’t let me speak. I decided to nod instead, and Lanie gave us both looks of acknowledgement.

 

“He usually fights me off or makes himself sick-” Dom brought his hand forward to swipe a piece of my hair behind my ear “-so I think he might be getting a bit better. I mean, it’s not like these panic attacks are good, you know, but I can definitely tell they’re not as bad as they once were.”

 

“Yes, Paul was telling me that when I phoned him. I reckon I’ll make him a cup of tea, that has helped me to calm down panicking patients in the past.”

 

“I’m sure he’d love that.” Dom began rubbing the tense spot beneath my shoulders, and I felt myself relax a tiny bit. “You’re okay,” Dom whispered. “Lanie is getting you some tea, it’ll be okay, love.”

 

I whimpered because I desperately wanted to tell him I loved him and to thank him, but I couldn’t. I looked at him with wide eyes instead, eyes that were clouded with heavy tears, hoping he’d understand what I was trying to say when I opened my mouth and only stuttered sobs and gasps for air came out.

 

He nodded. “I love you too, Matt. You’re doing great, just continue to take deep breaths. I’m here, don’t worry.” His lips brushed the corner of my mouth, and that was when I got my first big gulp of air in minutes. The burning in my lungs ceased for a few seconds, and it was like my entire body was flooded with relief.

 

“Dom,” I gasped, my chest rising and falling rapidly. He sighed with relief when I said his name, a very tiny smile crossing his lips.

 

“You’re okay,” he said. “You’re okay.” He brought his fingers up to my cheek and wiped away at a few of the tears. “I want you to know how much I love you, okay? You never have to feel sorry.” He leaned into my shoulder just as Lanie came back from the small kitchenette with a cup of steaming tea in hand.

 

“Here you go, Matthew,” she said softly, handing me the cup.

 

“Thank you,” I whispered, taking a shaky sip. The taste of honey washed through my mouth and down my throat, immediately bringing calmness. “I’m sorry for that.”

 

“Don’t apologize. This is why you’re here, so I can help you to get better, okay? And that’s also why Dom is here with you. We want you to enjoy life again, yeah?”

 

I remained quiet, nodding softly with my head while I stared at the soft swirls of milk in my cup of tea and Dom’s hand resting gently on my leg.

 

“I just...” I started. Dom and Lanie both looked at me carefully, waiting for me to say something else. “I’m tired of being so dependent and lost all the time. I want to live, like I used to, but it’s too painful and I’m too scared to ask for help.”

 

“Dom is here now, though. You don’t need to ask for help; he knows what to do, right Dom?”

 

Dom nodded his head in agreement. “She’s right. I’m here for you, love, and I’m ready to start my life with you again, even if you need time to recover. I want to be with you every step of the way, to make sure I don’t ever hurt you like I did before. Because no matter what you tell yourself, you are not guilty. Not at all. I know it’s hard for you to see that, but please, don’t blame yourself. I can’t stand seeing you so hurt all the time, it’s been breaking me, and I’ve only been seeing it for two weeks.”

 

“I don’t know what to do, Dom.”  
  
  
  
“Let me take care of you, okay? Do you think you can do that?”

 

“But-”  
  
  
  
“Nope. Matt, you’ve done so much for me, now it’s my turn. I wish I didn’t have to do this. I wish we were still at home in London being happy and content like the past seven months never happened, but the fact is, they did happen, so this is what I have to do. Learning to accept that it happened is the first step, and accepting help is the second step.”

 

Lanie was smiling as Dom spoke. “Dom, have you ever considered becoming a counselor? You’re stealing the words right from my mouth.”

 

Dom grinned a tiny bit, holding my hand. “Actually, while I was away, before I knew what had happened to Matt, I took a few psychology classes near the place I was staying. Y’know, since therapists and counselors helped me so much, I wanted to see if it interested me at all.”

 

“You didn’t tell me this,” I whispered quietly.

 

“I wanted to surprise you,” he replied. “It didn’t really go as planned, but I wanted to come back to you with a steady paying job that didn’t involve stocking shop shelves or working at the petrol station. Actually, I found someone who said I could shadow her while she gave group counseling sessions to sexual assault victims, in case it interested me. I really wanted to do it, but then I called about you and found out and dropped everything...”

 

“You found a job?” Lanie asked, seeming very impressed.

 

“More of an internship, but yes, kind of. Although I’m not sure if it’s still open now. I’d much rather be with Matt, anyway.”

 

My heart hurt. Dom was giving up a possible career opportunity to be with me. He still cared about me, he still loved me. It hurt me to think about, but it was true. Then why was I still terrified of everything around me? Why did I still panic at even just the thought of him possibly leaving again?

 

I blinked, a single tear slipping from my eye and landing on my trousers. A small ring of moisture darkened the fabric, and Dom saw. He was quick to wipe it away with the sleeve of his shirt. I took a few short, shaky breaths, briefly freezing because the shortness of breath was the first warning sign of an oncoming panic attack. I told myself over and over to calm down, and sat silent for five minutes as Lanie and Dom spoke about me. I stared at the carpeted floor, counting to 100 then back down again to zero. Closing my eyes, I focused on my lungs and only my lungs, trying to fill them to maximum capacity with air.

 

And then it passed. Five minutes of teary eyes and shortness of breath, and it was gone. I looked up, locking eyes with Dom. He was smiling at me, so I smiled back. A simple exchange, but one I took to heart.

 

~

A few nights later, I allowed Dom to undress me for the first time in months so I could take a bath and hopefully let my exhausted muscles relax in the hot water. I wanted him there with me, because I felt safest with him, but the tub was barely big enough for me. He promised to stay by the edge and talk to me the whole time, though.

 

When I was down to just my boxers, Dom immediately began crying.

 

“What?” I asked, panic filling my voice as I looked down for fear that something horrible had happened. All I saw were my skinny, pale legs. Nothing new.

 

“Love,” he whispered, standing up and walking toward me. His hand landed on the side of my stomach, just on top of my hip bone and above the waistband of my boxers. “You’re so thin. God, I did this to you, didn’t I?”

 

My eyes felt heavy as I replied to him. “I did this to myself.”


	38. Chapter 38

I looked down at my bare toes and turned around, away from Dominic, taking a step toward the filling bathtub. Steam rose up from the water, beckoning me closer. It promised me heat, relief, and cleanliness.

 

“Matt,” Dom whispered, pulling me back from the bathtub. “When did all this happen?” His hand touched my hipbone again, drawing my attention to him, and his other hand came to trace the skin on my shoulder blade. I remained silent as his fingers ran over the roses and thorns marked upon my skin. “Are those my initials?” he asked, his voice cracking as I turned around to face him with my head down.

 

I blinked once, a tear falling, before nodding my head and whispering a quiet answer. “Yes.”

 

He shut his eyes tightly, bringing a hand to run through his blonde hair. When he brought it back down, the blonde strands cascaded over his forehead and ears, sticking up in tiny tufts. He forcefully rubbed at his eyes and kept quiet. I stared at him, watched as he brought his hands up to his eyes again to stop the tears before they spilled out. Tentatively, I brought my hand to his jaw, wondering what it was that was bothering him.

 

“Please don’t cry,” I said softly, beginning to feel my own body start to tremble. “I get so sad when you cry.”

 

“I know, I know, love,” he replied, sniffling and shaking his head. “I’m sorry, I just... God I don’t even know what to say to you because there’s no way on Earth for me to tell you just how important you are to me.” He cracked a tiny smile and lifted his hand up to my cheek. “I love you,” he said after a very long pause. “And I can’t believe you-” He paused a second time and shook his head again, the smile widening “-I can’t believe you have my initials permanently tattooed onto your body, you crazy little man.”

 

I attempted to return the smile, my chapped lips cracking as they turned upwards into the tiniest of grins. “Do you like it?” I asked quietly.

 

“I love it,” he replied. “I love you. And I especially love you when you smile.”

 

Tears started falling from my eyes a little bit faster, and I was quick to wipe them away as I sniffled and tried to maintain my attempt at a smile. It felt nice to not have my lips in a flat line for once, as they often were.

 

“Please don’t cry,” he said, stealing my words. His fingers wrapped around my bony hip, pulling me closer to him. I shuffled my feet on the laminate floor, seeking warmth from him as I stepped forward. I lifted my hands and placed them behind his neck, linking my fingers together. One of his hands cupped my jaw, the other wrapping around my entire waist and finally pulling me flush to his body. We locked, two pieces that were cut and sculpted for each other and had begun to crumble when they were apart, one unable to function without the other. “My beautiful...”

 

And then his lips were moving against mine. Warm, soft, and safe. Since his return, we’d shared quite a few kisses, usually just a soft brush of his lips on my hand or cheek. But that kiss, the one he pressed so fully against me for, the one that made me lose my breath for the briefest of seconds, that kiss made me feel like I was alive and safe. I didn’t really know if I was either of those things, but I had to trust Dom that I was.

 

I could feel his fingers tracing the skin of my collarbone, roaming over the front of me before slipping behind to touch my shoulder blade once again. Goosebumps erupted over my skin from everywhere he touched, and I felt weightless on my feet, like I was about to fall backwards into the bathtub at any second. His lips moved gently, his tongue just barely tracing the inside of my mouth.

 

Sensitivity, that’s what I felt.

 

When Dominic’s hand came to rest atop my hip and his mouth was removed from mine, I stared at him. His grey eyes were swirling and tears were running down his cheeks, corroding paths into his face that were irreversible. My chest rose and fell, quick but not rapid. I could breathe properly, and that felt amazing. Deep breaths, in and out, in and out.

 

“Are you okay?” he asked softly.

 

I nodded, reaching forward to touch his other hand that was hanging at his side. I traced his knuckles, his veins, lines in his skin that would one day become wrinkles with age. “I feel...”

 

“What do you feel, love?” His hand picked up mine and held it between us, right in the pathway of where our two hearts would meet if they bulged from our chests. “What do you feel?”

 

“I feel loved.”

 

He smiled and leaned forward, his lips brushing against mine again for a moment. They were parted, mere centimeters away as his eyes bore into mine. His teeth appeared for a second to bite his lip, twisting it into an obscure shape before letting go. “You are so loved,” he said as he cupped my cheekbone. “And if I have to tell you a million times to make you finally know it, then so help me I will.” He grinned, pushing my head close so that our lips met again. And again. And again.

 

We kissed for moments, then seconds, then minutes. The house creaked all around us and stray water from the faucet splashed into the bath, a simple drip lingering in the room which we were still standing. The bath had gone cold and from the small window above the tub, we could see the night had gone dark. Elsewhere in the house, Soldier’s paws tapped against the floors, and we heard the occasional ruckus as Corrine helped Elena in the kitchen and Sarah and Paul sat on the sofa watching telly.

 

Dominic’s hands traveled my body, intimately but not promiscuously. His palm kneaded gentle rhythms into my lower back while his mouth continued a melody on my lips, accentuating each motion with a lick of his tongue or a gentle bite of his teeth. I let out a soft moan and tried to press myself closer to him, but he stopped, staring at me with intent.

 

“Hey,” he said, resting his hand on my collar bone and lifting my chin up with two of his fingers. “Slow down, love. Let’s get you in the bath, yeah?”

 

I shivered as his finger traced my clavicle, then nodded. He kissed my lips once more before moving around me and bending down at the edge of the bathtub, drawing the plug to let the cold water drain before he refilled it once again with warm water. We stood in silence for a few minutes as the bath filled, Dom’s arm protectively around my waist. I was shivering from the chill air, my bare skin offering little protection against the draft that had made its way into the room.

 

I couldn’t help but wonder why he’d told me to slow down. The only conclusion I came to was that he didn’t want me that way anymore. Then again, who would? My shoulders slumped and a few stray tears ran down my face to gather at the corners of my lips. When Dom was turned around, his attention drawn by the bath, I quickly wiped them away so that he wouldn’t see.

 

Once the bath was full and ready, I looked at Dom, wondering if he was going to leave. I still had my boxers on. He made no motion to leave, so I shrugged my shoulder, turned around, and tugged at the waistband of my shorts, wincing as the fabric ran over a scabbing spot on my upper thigh that my nails had given to me a few days before. The waistband of my boxers snagged, pulling the still-healing skin off. I let out a tiny whimper of pain before squeezing my eyes shut and becoming silent again.

 

“Shit,” Dom whispered from beside me as blood began to trickle down my leg. “Let’s get that cleaned up.”

 

“S’fine,” I mumbled, turning away from him so he couldn’t see.

 

I heard him sigh as I slipped my foot into the warm bath water, but ignored the noise. He came up behind me and held my waist and hand, cautious but sturdy. The touch felt forced, but I told myself that was only paranoia in myself that I was sensing.

 

He was avoiding looking at me - or maybe I was avoiding him seeing me. I didn’t look how I once had looked; my once healthy body, with a figure he loved and skin as smooth as silk was now a ghostly shade of pale with tiny holes and scratches littering the surface and internally, all in various stages of healing. The biggest ones he’d already seen, the ones that had to be stitched closed, but the others were just as shameful for me to think of. I didn’t want him seeing me like that, weak, brittle, breaking. How could he still want me when I looked like I’d been beaten down and run over by a lorry?

 

“Matthew,” he said quietly, pulling me from my thoughts. “Love, look at me. You’re shaking.”

 

It suddenly hit me that I was still standing fully in the bathtub and trembling, about to lose my balance. I stuttered, Dom’s arms wrapping around my middle as I collapsed into the water with the smallest of splashes. The warm water wrapped around my body as I held onto the edge, suddenly aware that I wasn’t able to breathe and that my entire left arm was jittering.

 

“I- I’m sorry,” I said with a shudder, trying to catch my breath. “I’m so sorry.”

“Shh,” he whispered, kneeling beside the tub and dipping his hand into the bath water. “It’s okay, I’ve got you. You’re okay.” He squeezed my hand and brought his other to rub my back in small circles. “You’ve done nothing wrong, it’s just the beginning of a panic attack, you’re okay. I’m here. Shh.”

 

He ran a washcloth over my back, rubbing it between my shoulder blades along with gentle touches of his lips to my fingers. I tried to avoid his gaze, and instead focused on getting my breathing back to normal. I counted to five and let my chest expand, taking in as much air as I could. Dom’s hand traveled to the base of my neck while the other brought the washcloth to my forehead. His fingers rubbing into my skin was soothing, and I physically watched my arm grow still against the ledge.

 

“Just breathe,” he mumbled beneath his breath every few seconds. “I’m here. Much better, love. There you go.”

 

I tried to focus on something other than the sharp pains that I got in my chest when I tried to breathe. The water swirled around me, my bony legs protruding from the surface like rocky cliffs. With every inhale, a small ripple would occur and splash against the porcelain sides of the bathtub. I shut my eyes as tears began to leak from the corners. Dom was there immediately, his fingers traveling to my cheeks to wipe the tears away. I looked down at my scraggly body, my skinny and pale toes, the light hair on my calves, the scratches on my thighs. I stopped when my eyes reached my soft cock floating just below the surface of the water.

 

As I stared at my anatomy, at the lifelessness of it, I felt ashamed. My naked body was something I’d never studied nor really cared too much about, not until things became more intimate with Dominic. Still, I’d never worried too much before, because he’d always seemed to be attracted to me in every way. But, as I sat in the bathtub and stared at my cock, I was shameful at how much I’d lost, how dead I seemed. I had once been so full of energy and spark, ready to go at any moment with Dominic; my body had physically needed his hand wrapped around me and his cock inside me. Pleasure, something I’d always craved from him.

 

I didn’t know what pleasure was anymore. The spark had disappeared, the fire had died out. The only flutters I got in my stomach were from hunger or pain, the only goosebumps on my skin from chill air or the unexpected touch of a hand.

 

Dom’s voice brought me away from my thoughts. “Are you comfortable?” he asked, squeezing water from the washcloth and setting it over the side of the tub.

 

I blinked, taking my eyes away from my upper legs and cock, then nodded. I leaned back in the tub some more, letting myself submerge into the hot water a bit deeper.

 

“You looked like you were deep in thought,” he said softly, running his fingers absentmindedly over my forearm. It felt good, especially when he rubbed small circles into my wrist, similar to the way he would on my back.

 

“I was,” I replied.

 

“What were you thinking?”

 

I turned my head, allowing my eyes to meet his. “About us.”

 

“Yeah?” He traced a vein on my wrist.

 

“Yeah,” I said quietly.

 

He stared for a few minutes while I turned my attention to the steady drip of stray water into the bathtub. I watched the tiny splashes and waves, gaining energy for a brief second before collapsing into the body of water. I finally looked back up at him.

 

“Are you ever going to want me again?”

 

His eyebrow arched up, and he gave me a peculiar look. “Love, what do you mean? I love you so much, Matt. Of course I want you. I always want you.”

 

“Yeah I know, but...” I felt myself blush. “I don’t really see how you could find me appealing anymore, like, sexually.”

 

“Matthew, do you really worry about that?”

 

“I worry about a lot of things,” I whispered, my voice starting to crack.

 

“No,” he said, reaching for my hand. I quickly pulled it away. “Love-”

 

“I mean, I’m just disgusting. I don’t even know why you’re here and why you would ever want to be seen with me, it’s just... I’m pitiful.”

 

Moisture was gathering in my eyes and the shakes were starting to come again. Dom leaned over the side of the tub and dipped his lips to my jawline; I relaxed, his touch like a thousand medications injected into my bloodstream to help calm me down.

 

“You’re not pitiful,” he said, his breath tickling my neck. “You are so strong, Matt. So strong. And if I didn’t want you in every way imaginable, why would I even be here right now?”

 

“I don’t know,” I said, my voice hoarse. “I’m so scared, Dom. I don’t want to be alone. I don’t know what to do.”

 

“Well,” Dom chuckled. “You can start by letting me finish cleaning you up. And then-” He traced my veins with his fingers “-you can let me dry you off, get you in some clean clothes, and we can eat dinner. Then, we can go to sleep and I can hold you while you fall asleep. And tomorrow morning when we wake up, you let me continue to take care of you, okay? And every day after that. Like, if there’s something you want from me, and I don’t do it, yell at me until I do it.”

 

“I’m not going to yell at you,” I said, the tiniest of smiles appearing on my lips. Dom returned the smile and brought my hand to his lips for a kiss.

 

“You’re right, you’re not the yelling type. But seriously, what I mean is, let me take care of you. Do you think you can let me do that?”

 

“Yeah, I can try. Yeah.”

 

“Yeah?”

 

“Yeah,” I said.

 

“Okay.” He gave me a smile and another quick kiss before reaching around my body to grab the bottle of shampoo and squirt a bit onto the palm of his hand. “Now let’s get you washed up and ready for dinner.”

 

~

 

In bed that night, with Soldier at our feet, I felt like I was home. I’m not sure if Dom and I had ever slept closer together; it was like our bodies had melted together to become a single figure, inseparable. When we got too hot, instead of separating, we kicked the duvet off and stripped down to only our boxers. When we got too cold, instead of putting more clothes on or covering ourselves with more blankets, we simply held each other tighter to trap our body heat between us. It was just like being back in London, back when things were the way they were supposed to be.

 

Every second that ticked by, I grew more comfortable. My body became pliant in Dom’s arms, my skin unaffected by his touch. The shivers I felt were like positive energy being shocked through my body to replace all the negatives I’d been experiencing for such a long time. It was a healthy replacement, one I felt I should allow myself to enjoy. I let out happy sighs at every rub, every stroke, every point of contact I received from Dominic. When I flipped in bed, moving from our position of chest to chest to his chest against my back, I encouraged the kisses to the back of my neck, letting out soft moans of appreciation. I smiled. I even cried a bit, but not of sadness.

 

Maybe I was still broken. Things don’t get fixed overnight. But Dom was mending me, and it was slowly working. Repairing, restructuring, rebuilding. The walls were coming down again, opening up the world for us to explore and love together. The barriers had nothing on us; we were too powerful to be stopped.


	39. Chapter 39

Sometimes Dom would leave for a few days at a time to go to London. Although I loved being around my family, Teignmouth was beginning to become too isolated for us again. The lack of privacy was a huge issue; rebuilding the more intimate and physical side of our relationship became impossible due to the thin walls and constant young children running through the house.

 

When I was alone and Dominic was in London, getting the house back in shape for us to return to, my thoughts would become poisonous. He wasn’t there to give me the confidence I needed, and I began to second-guess every decision I made. Nothing really seemed right without him there, and that was the sign to let me know it was time for us to get our life back.

 

Telling Paul and Elena was troubling, seeing as they were still convinced I needed more time. But time was not unlimited, and getting back into a normal life with Dom was my number one priority.

 

We finally picked a date in early March to drive down to London together, go to a few shops, get some things for the house, then move back in the following weekend. I was shaking with nervousness at the thought of once again becoming independent, but then I remembered I had Dom and Soldier, and excitement replaced my nerves. Walking down Oxford Street with various bags held in our hands - containing linens, some clothing, and various picture frames we thought would look nice in the house - I felt alive. Everything was just as it used to be, and the thought of being home and in our own bed with the privacy we craved was exhilarating.

 

Of course, when we finally found ourselves alone and in the home we’d built everything in, I panicked. The first night in bed, with Dom pressing me flush against his body, I worried and worried that I wouldn’t be able to perform. It didn’t help that all day Paul and Elena had been sending me constant text messages, making sure that I was okay and that everything was running smoothly.

 

The worrying got so bad that I found myself hunched over the toilet bowl, emptying my stomach of the dinner Dom had bought for us just hours before. Dom quickly woke up and came running in, retrieving a washcloth and pressing the cool and damp fabric against my clammy forehead as I cradled my upset stomach and tried not to cry.

 

“Love, did I do something wrong?” Dominic asked, pressing a very soft kiss to the back of my sweaty neck.

 

I weakly shook my head, reaching up to flush the toilet while using my other hand to support myself as I rolled to stand back up. Both my head and chest pounded, forcing me to grip Dom tightly in order to stand back up again. My legs were shaking horribly as I raised my sweater sleeve to wipe at my eyes, sniffling slightly when I felt more tears begin to rush out. “I’m sorry,” I sobbed. “I’m so sorry.”

 

Dom quickly pulled me into him, his cold hands wandering beneath my sweater and tee shirt to press against my hot, sweating back. I weakly pressed my forehead to his bare collarbone peeking out the top of his tee shirt, breathing in his familiar scent to calm myself down.

 

“Matthew,” he said softly. “I’ve got you. It’s okay. Let’s go back to bed, okay?”

 

I nodded weakly, then moved to quickly brush my teeth as Dom watched from the doorway with a concerned expression on his face.

 

“Do you think we came back too soon?” he asked as soon as we were back in bed. I’d removed my sweater and shirt, leaving my bare back to press against his chest. His breathing was even, blowing soft puffs of air onto the back of my neck. I could hear the sound of his pursed lips and nervous swallowing.

 

“No,” I replied, tracing a line in the bed sheet with my finger. “I’m glad we came back. I’ll get better soon, I promise.”

 

“Don’t you dare put this all on yourself. You have to tell me what I can do to help.”

 

I squeezed my eyes shut, trying to pull myself down into the bed sheets to ignore Dom. I didn’t want to listen to him; I was still convinced everything was up to me, that it was a battle I had to win with only my internal army.

 

“Hiding isn’t going to fix this.”

 

Dom’s tone of voice was soft, but the words were still enough to be a trigger. The first shakes came from my upper left arm, then traveled down to the tips of my fingers and into my other limbs. I blinked once, staring for a prolonged second across the room at Soldier lying down, content and stationary on top of his nest of blankets.

 

“Love?”

“I’m fucked up, okay?!” I suddenly shouted, flipping around to look at Dom. The outburst came from nowhere. My vision was blurry from hot tears and my hand was already twitching uncontrollably. “I know I am! I’m so fucking fucked up, Dom, and there is nothing I can do about it, okay?! I’m sorry that I can’t be the perfect hero for you anymore, I’m sorry! Just fucking leave me!”

 

“I’m not going to do that!” he said, his voice still moderately quiet, but starting to show the hint of an edge.

 

“Why the fuck not?!” I screamed, suddenly kicking off the duvet. “I know you want to! How could you love something as disgusting as this?!” I pointed at myself, breathing heavily and trembling at the sight of him sitting up in bed.

 

“I love you so much, Matthew, so fucking much and it fucking kills me that you don’t notice it!” he shouted back, finally raising his voice.

 

“Just, just, shut up!” I screamed. “Don’t say that.”

 

“Well it’s true!” he said, toning his voice down just a notch. “Do you understand how much pain I am in when I see you physically hurt yourself with your bare hands because of something I did?!”

 

“No,” I replied, trembling. “No, no, don’t say that, please don’t say that.”

 

“It needs to be said!”

 

“No, no I don’t believe you. You can’t love me, you can’t!”

 

“Please believe me,” he pleaded as tears began running down his face. “Please, you have to believe me when I say I love you with all my existence.”

 

“I don’t- I don’t believe you,” I whispered, trembling as I stumbled to get out of bed and run to the toilet. The nausea was starting again.

 

“What do I have to do to make you realize the truth?” Dom asked as he followed behind me.

 

“I don’t know,” I sobbed out, falling against the wall and burying my head into the space between my shaky knees. “I don’t know what to do.”

 

He kneeled down in front of me, placing his hand upon my shoulder. I shut my eyes tight, disabling my sense of sight and focusing simply on the touch I felt from him. When his fingers lifted my head up and his lips pressed against mine, my eyes flew open in surprise. His stare was intent, his eyes warm and sensual. “Let me show you how much I love you,” he whispered, reaching his hand out.

 

I stared at it for a few seconds before I understood what he was implying. “N-now?” I stuttered, actually feeling a bit sick to my stomach; it wasn’t from the thought of doing that with Dom, but the thought that he was even thinking about that when I must’ve been so disgusting to him. “When I look like t-this?!”

 

“Yes, Matthew. Unless you don’t want to. But I can’t think of anything else I can do right at this moment to make you understand that I view you no less than I did before any of this, that no matter what you are the man I love and need to be with.”

 

“But we just fought and I puked and we’ve been crying and that’s like the least arousing thing and-”

 

His lips touched mine again, moving in a gentle motion, coaxing a moan from deep in my throat. It was unexpected, a sound unfamiliar to both of our ears. He pulled me up from the floor and into him, and I took the opportunity to wrap my arms around his slender waist, which pulled a chuckle from him. “I love when your arms are around me,” he whispered into my ear. “I love when we hold each other like this, like we’re suspended in the air with nothing else touching us. I love you.”

 

I let out a tiny gasp as I felt my body go limp. I felt pliable but still sensitive. All my nerve endings were standing on edge as the contact Dominic started to give me led to a state of minor arousal, just enough to leave the hairs on my arms standing straight up and to create a low, pleasant stirring in the pit of my stomach.

 

It was not the type of stirring I felt when I was about to be sick, but instead, felt when something extraordinary was about to happen. It was the same stirring I’d felt during my first piano recital, during Paul and Elena’s wedding, the day I brought Soldier home, the first time Dom told me he loved me, and the first time Dom and I had made love together.

 

In that moment, I was okay. And in that moment, that point of healing in my life, I wanted nothing more than for Dominic to undress me and call me his and sing my name upon hitting climax. That was the only thing I wanted, and I was finally ready to allow Dom to give it to me.

 

“Okay,” I said, nodding and stepping back.

 

He raised one eyebrow. “Okay?”

 

“Yeah,” I said. “I want to... You know.”

 

“Matt, I wasn’t forcing you to-”

 

“No,” I said. “Dom, I feel it, there’s something telling me everything is going to be okay. So, please, just-” He cut me off mid sentence, which was a good thing, because I had no idea what I was going to say to him next.

 

Lifting me off my feet, Dom chuckled again as I let out a tiny squeal at the sudden feeling of weightlessness. The shuffle from the toilet back to the bedroom was absent from my mind, and before I knew it I was being pushed onto the bed and Dom was biting softly at my bottom lip. Our bodies moved together, and my cock began to harden from his contact for the first time in ages.

 

The way we still knew each other even after months of separation was astounding, the way Dom would grant me tiny touches after every locking of our lips, the way my hands always found themselves tugging at his hair, and the way my eyes always trailed down his long and lean body, even when he was fully dressed.

 

We were both panting, and I moved forward to remove his tee shirt as his hands traveled my chest and his fingers circled my nipples. I glanced between us for a brief second, eyeing the bulge in his boxers. With a deep breath and sudden bout of mental encouragement from somewhere deep inside of me, I slid my hand inside Dom’s boxers and began to stroke him and tease him to his full length.

 

“M-Matthew,” he moaned. I smiled shyly as I saw his eyes roll back for a few seconds. It was the confidence boost I needed, seeing him pleasured like that from actions that were only mine. I had a purpose, I did something right for once. That moan, that long, expressive, glorious moan - it was from me.

 

Tentatively, our lips met again and Dom’s hands trailed down to remove my boxers. I kicked the garment away toward the end of the bed and thrusted upward, seeking Dominic’s contact. I was so on edge, so enthralled by the intimate sorts of pleasure that were running circles through my entire body. The touches he gave me left burning streams of fire on my skin, coaxing me outside of my physical form to transform into something that was completely emotional.

 

Once again, sex for the two of us became an action that was in no way physical. It was a redemption, something that could not be held in the palm of one’s hand, but could be felt through a medium that I was and still am unable to explain. Maybe the medium was love, but then again, love was subliminal: hidden, unexpected, masked.

 

I needed him. I was no longer Dom’s hero, no longer the man who saved him from his past. I was his lover, his beloved, and his paramour. That became my new identity, because long gone were the days of rescuing and soon coming were the days of loving.

 

When he finally put his fingers inside me, opening me up and preparing me for the night ahead, I shut my eyes and let myself become buoyant on the bed. At some point, I dug my fingers into the bed and mouthed the words “fuck me”, which was enough for Dominic.

 

My body was suddenly flooded with a familiar sense of nostalgia when he pushed into me and gave a shallow thrust. His breath hitched at the feeling of connection and my body shivered at the feeling of welcomed intrusion.

 

“Matthew,” he whispered. “Oh, Matthew.”

 

I moaned at the sound of my own name, the notes bouncing in my ears like a perfectly rehearsed harmony that only came from pure dedication. I was alive and well again, beneath my love’s body and moving in the ways I knew he cherished. I pulled his hair, traced my lips across his cheek, and screamed his name the way he loved. I made sure to be extra vocal every time he thrusted deeper or harder or slower, making sure he knew I was enjoying myself.

 

Our hips kept rhythm with each other, but even minutes in, I could feel my lungs gasping for air. I was weak still, physically unprepared for the intensity of sex. Dom immediately slowed when he sensed me growing tired, and took to pressing soft kisses against my neck and lips as he thrusted long and slowly inside of me. I relaxed, letting my arms fall to his back. I traced a faint pink line I’d made about thirty seconds before, drawing a sharp hiss from Dom.

 

“Sorry,” I said with the faint trace of a giggle edging my voice.

 

“Don’t you fucking dare apologize for that,” he replied with a smile, moving his hips down to reach further inside me.

 

I smiled back at him before my lips turned and I let out a groan. He’d brushed my prostate, leaving me with a spark of pleasure tingling the tips of my fingers and toes. Again and again he moved, picking up the pace and tempo. I focused purely on deep breaths and him; it was not the time to grow weak, tired, or troubled by conflicting emotions about whether it was too soon to engage in sexual behavior. It all went ignored as he touched me inside and out, bringing us both closer to our limits and the boundaries between reality and pleasure.

 

Physicality became a factor once again, Dom touching me to signal me to sit up more against the headboard of our bed. I gripped the wood with my fingers and leaned back to stare at the ceiling, something uninteresting but physical enough for my eyes to focus on whilst every other part of me was spiralling slowly out of control. Dominic’s legs were on either side of me so that we were straddling each other tightly. I couldn’t help myself then, and found my arms wrapped around him so that our bodies were touching at almost every point and so that every kiss was tender and passionate as we embraced.

 

“I think I’m close,” I mumbled into his lips.

 

He simply hummed in reply and traced my collar bone with his fingers. Our hips found a strong tempo that was easy and pleasurable for the both of us. I enjoyed every burst of movement, every drop of sweat I felt from his skin touching mine.

 

When we both came, there was no warning and no control. The noises we made were ones to be cherished in the moment and teased about later, moans so loud and obscure that the elderly couple a few houses down would most likely be able to hear us.

 

My head fell back onto the pillow, my chest rising and falling with great movement. After pulling out, Dom fell on top of me, catching my softening cock between our come soaked bellies. I groaned at the ache I felt everywhere, in my bum, my back, my legs, and my arms. A long soak in the bathtub was needed, but for the time being I was content to lay back, think about the previous two hours, and be thankful that the greatest man in the world was currently laying on my chest and that I’d finally come to the realization that he loved me.

 

“I love you,” I said upon thinking that. “Thank you so much.”

 

He mumbled a reply into my skin, and from the vibrations I felt with my skin and the sounds I heard with my ears, I pieced together that he had replied with a statement of love as well. Happily, I shut my eyes and let my hand fall to the curve of his back just at the top of his arse.

 

The smile that graced my lips just before sleep was truly one of ease, becoming a token for me to hold onto for years to come and leaving the scars that were spread across my body to become simply a memory to remind me of my past self, the self I planned to never possess again.

 


	40. Chapter 40

The following morning after tea and some croissants, we decided it’d be best to take a walk, just a quick one to clear our minds from the emotional evening before and hopefully set a pace for the journey we had ahead of us. Winter was still present in the air, a brisk chill stirring the back of my neck as I gripped Dom’s hand tighter with my gloved fingers, carrying a basket of vegetables from the market in my other hand.

 

“Want to sit for a bit?” Dom asked upon realizing how my steps had grown slower. He pecked my frozen cheeks, his cold and chapped lips rough against my sensitive skin yet still feeling like home. I nodded, and we took to a bench overlooking a small park where dogs were running, children were playing, and various other couples were holding hands and enjoying the beautiful day as well.

 

I mused quietly to myself, sinking into the warmth of Dom’s arm and chest as I observed the small park in front of us. It was all so peaceful, exactly what I needed after my body and mind had been at war for such a long time. The sound of birds and children and the brisk scent of cold air was calming, leaving me quite content to be silent and simply listen to Dom as he spoke again.

 

“It’s such a beautiful day.”

 

I turned, seeing his wide smile directed toward me, prompting me to move forward and settle into an embrace.

 

“What do you want to do today?”

 

“Eat, relax, you know,” I said with a shrug and a tiny smile. “The usual.”

 

He grinned. “I could make us pasta tonight and we could get a bottle of wine and-”

 

“Dominic,” I said sternly. “You’ll burn the house down if you try to make pasta.”

 

“You arse,” he giggled, giving me a light punch. “Always doubting my expertise in the culinary arts.”

 

“Oh, is your cooking art now?”

 

He gasped dramatically, covering his mouth in a way that made me let out a deep laugh, the kind of laugh that’s so great it makes your jaw and belly hurt. When I finally could breathe properly, I ignored the big pouty lips he gave me, and snuggled closer to him. I felt so incredibly safe then, like nothing could hurt me. My confidence was a castle that could never be crumbled completely, not anymore.

 

We sighed simultaneously, the moment of laughter then introspection passing over us as a group of businessmen walked past us, briefcases in one hand and coffees in the other.

 

“Can I kiss you?” I suddenly asked, looking at Dom. His lips were pink, just waiting to be sealed by mine.

 

He didn’t wait for an answer, and instead moved forward immediately to close the short distance between our mouths. Warmth and comfort - the two things I most sought out - were always offered when Dom’s lips were on mine. I couldn’t be separated from him, so I put my arms around his neck, inviting him to put his arms around me. The light touches I felt on my hips made me feel safe and secure. Using his hands, he was warming my bones with a layer of protection and stability. He made me stable.

 

“You okay?” he asked, pausing and lifting his fingers to lightly touch my chin.

 

I nodded, a small smile spreading across my thin lips. “More than okay,” I replied.

 

“Good.”

 

We went back to kissing lightly, children and parents and elderly couples and hurried workers all passing us by. We were the center of a snow globe it seemed: a snow globe of cloudy grey skies and a million different stories. To me, our story was most important, the story of how we came together and found love in each other from the worst of situations, the story of how we grew and grew until we toppled over and somehow had to find our way back.

 

My hands lingered on Dom’s shoulder blades, my fingers lightly squeezing in time with the movement of our mouths. Although the air was cold, my body was warm and wanting. I suddenly craved to be back home in the isolation of our own bed. I opened my mouth further, allowing for Dom’s tongue to dip in and dance around my own. Our mouths could be so in sync at times it was like our minds were connected by tiny pulses that told us which way to move and suck and taste so that we could be as close as possible.

 

I was practically in Dominic’s lap by this time; my fingers had found their way to his wavy hair and my chest was pressed heavily against his. The feeling of his hand traveling lower on my back shot little bursts of pleasure through me, and I let out a tiny sound of embarrassment as a woman and a man walked past us, giving us angry looks as they clasped their hands tightly and hurried to move away from us.

 

“Right,” Dom said gruffly. “I forgot homophobia is still a thing.” He gently squeezed my hip.

 

I frowned, burrowing my head into the crook of his neck and mumbling against his chest. “We could always go back home and continue there.” I hoped he would catch the suggestive tone in my voice.

 

“I quite enjoy publicly showing my affection for you though,” he replied. “Would love to just scream out to the entire city of London how much I love you.”

 

“Mmm, likewise. It might be a bit too much for some people though, love. You have to remember that.” I smiled shyly up at him. “Maybe one day soon.”

 

“Yeah?”

 

“Yeah.”

 

Although I didn’t say it aloud, my mind traveled toward things very different than just affection in public: bigger, more permanent things. For the time being, however, I was still ill, our relationship had just begun to start mending itself, and we had many steps to still take before we could begin discussing such things.

 

~

 

“This is my favorite bit,” I said excitedly, letting my left hand trail down the keys to lightly press the dissonant chord, somehow resonating perfectly with the staccato melody I continued with my right hand.

 

“I haven’t seen you smile so much in a really long time,” Dom said softly when I was finished, moving to sit on the piano bench beside me. “And for you to be so proud of something you created? Love, that is so wonderful.”

 

He kissed my cheek, his very light stubble prickling my sensitive skin.

 

“So, you liked it?” I asked. I hadn’t composed my own music since he’d left, and to perform for him after such a long time of zero confidence was nerve-wracking.

 

“I loved it. You never fail to amaze me with your talent.”

 

I blushed at the feeling of my heart pounding noticeably harder against the walls of my chest. I wondered if there would ever be a time where my body wouldn’t react that way to his praise. For reasons unknown, I hoped that would never happen. Maybe I was being selfish, but all I ever wanted was him to tell me I did a good job; after everything my weak mental health had put him through, he deserved that I do good things for him.

 

“Do you think you’ll be okay to teach soon? Lanie said you’ve been making huge improvements.”

 

I nodded. The thought of getting back into the music studio with my students excited me. I missed them and the way their eyes widened as they discovered new things about their piano skills and ability to master a piece of music that may have terrified them just a few months before. I felt I had a place of belonging when I was with my students, belonging similar to the kind I felt whenever I was with Dom.

 

“You’re thinking, aren’t you?” Dom suddenly mused aloud, interrupting my thoughts.

 

His grey eyes were studying me as a small smile played on his lips. I blushed.

 

“What are you thinking about, love? Care to share?”

 

“You, me, music, teaching. Everything, really.”

 

“Me and music in the same thought, huh?” Dom placed his hands flatly onto the piano, pressing down on random keys and allowing a horrible sound to ring out through our home. I prayed the neighbors weren’t around to hear such a tragedy.

 

“Please don’t ever do that again,” I said with a giggle, ashamed that such a beautiful instrument could make such an ugly sound.

 

“You asked for it,” Dom said with a chuckle, pounding down on the keys again.

 

I flinched, but couldn’t help the smile that escaped my lips as he continued to do some horrible thing to my precious piano. Soon the two of us were giggling like school children and Soldier had retreated upstairs to hide in the bedroom, away from all the horrible ruckus that Dom was making.

 

And then, we were kissing. It always ended like that, really: me being pushed to the floor as our lips met together and Dom faked an apology for destroying yet another sort of art. Cooking, music, it didn’t matter what it was. He was only educated in the art of the body, which of course I did not mind at all.

 

No, I did not mind at all, especially that night as his tongue explored every inch of my body and I explored nearly every method of reaching a mind blowing orgasm.

 

“Fuck, I love you,” I said hoarsely, my limbs numb and my stomach painted with my own come. Dom was touching himself and watching me intensely, basically pleading for me. I moved forward, still breathless from my own orgasm but nevertheless opening my mouth and swallowing him as deeply as my throat allowed.

 

“Oh Jesus, Matthew,” he groaned as I let my tongue run over the tip of his cock. His hands pulled at my sweaty hair, scratching at my scalp and making me moan around his length. I let him slip from my mouth and grinned wickedly before sitting forward in his lap so that I could kiss him and so that his cock was trapped underneath me, just barely rubbing against my arse. We moved just as if we were teenagers in a club for the first time. My cock was already hardening again and Dom was so close that his words were turning into a jumbled mess. “Jesus, fuck. I’m g-gonna come soon, oh- Fuck!”

 

He came quickly and messily. I could feel come dripping between my arse cheeks and down onto my thighs and, of course, onto the bed sheets I’d just changed the night before.

 

Dom’s hand found my cock and he quickly stroked me to yet another orgasm. The long sighs we both let out afterward were the strong sign that it was time to clean up and finally go to sleep. After I cleaned the both of us up and used the toilet, I returned to the bed to find him face down and arse up. I grew jealous of the mattress, of the way it contoured around his shape and seemed to connect with his skin. I thought about how we must’ve looked from afar when it was me beneath him and my skin which was connected with his instead of the mattress. Leaving the thought behind, I managed to inch myself between his body and the soft, now clean sheets.

 

“Oh, hello,” he chuckled.

 

I blinked, nuzzling up against him. “Hi.”

 

“You happy?”

 

“Mmm.”

 

“Good.”

“I love you, Dom.”

“I love you too, Matthew, more than I could ever put into words for you.”

 

~

 

All recoveries had dips. Mine occurred most often in the dark of night, leaving me shaking with terror and unable to rid my mind of dark thoughts which I didn’t dare to ever tell Dom. He would hate himself if he knew that my sleeping mind still thought of death as a friend.

 

“You’re okay. I’m here, I’ve got you. Just breathe, love, breathe.”

 

I never could breathe, no matter how often he softly repeated the words to me. I wasn’t sure how he knew, but Dom’s ways of managing my panic attacks worked best, better than any method that therapists or doctors gave me. Maybe it was the familiarity, the voice I heard screaming for help in the middle of the night which I now screamed for.

 

Tears dotted my skin; I itched to scratch at something, anything, and the skin on my forearm seemed to call out to me most.

 

“Take this,” came a soft voice from my side. I grabbed the old button down shirt and let my nails dig into the stained fabric. Dom’s hand was rubbing reassuring circles on my back as I heaved forward, coughing and gagging.

 

“I, I sh-“

 

“You’re okay, you don’t need to say anything, love. Just breathe for me, in and out, in and out.”

 

My eyes were squeezed shut as I tried to concentrate solely on Dom’s calm voice. Although shaky, I was able to take normal breaths after about ten minutes. They were still draining, but the shorter attacks had a quicker rebound.

 

“Dom?” I asked when I was finally able to speak again. It felt like it’d been hours since I’d sat straight up in bed and screamed out.

 

“I’m here, love.” He was sitting right next to me, the duvet pooling in his lap.

 

“How long?” I asked, taking steady breaths.

 

“I woke up at half past one.”

 

I glanced at the glowing alarm clock sitting on the bedside table, flinching as I read that it was now half past two. An entire hour had passed.

 

“Oh, Matt, please don’t blame yourself.” He gently placed his arms around me. “You’re okay. You’re getting so much better.”

 

“I’m not.”

 

“You are.” Dom’s arms snaked around me to hold my still slightly trembling hands in his. “Look at you; you’re healthy, smiling most days, you’re going back to work soon! You’re doing so well.”

 

“I’m still like this though,” I said, gesturing to my head.

 

“Like what, hmm? I think you’re as perfect as you can be. Come here.”

 

I was pulled into a tight embrace, my ear placed conveniently onto Dom’s chest above his heart. It was thumping loudly and rhythmically, unlike mine which was still somewhat frantic and trying to steady itself.

 

Why was I like this? I honestly could not see it no matter how hard I tried. I had the most amazing man all to myself, a family who would give the world for me, and wonderful people who surrounded me and supported me in all other aspects. There was not a reason in the entire world for me to be the way I was, but for some reason or another, mental illness closed its eyes and picked me from the water.

 

Not that I could wish it on anyone else; I would never be able to bring myself to do something as selfish as that. I’d go through the mental torture a million times if it meant people like Dom, Sarah, Paul, and Gloria never had to go through it. I would subject my own body to every method of emotional assault and mutilation to ensure that Dom would never experience that sort of self hatred.

 

“Hey, love, just breathe,” Dom reminded me. My chest had started to burn with effort again and each time I inhaled I let out a gasping sound. “Just like that, yeah,” he said as I focused on slowing myself down again. “Yeah, that’s okay. Good.”

 

Dom always seemed to know just how to speak to me when these sorts of things were happening - brief and reassuring sentences along with a soft hand to the trembling shoulders. He was never heavy, never demanding.

 

“Can I get you anything?” he asked a few minutes later once he knew I had control over my breathing again.

 

I nodded slowly. “Water, please.”

 

He got up, leaving the door to the bedroom open so I could watch him go into the bathroom and fill a cup with cold water from the tap. When he returned I quickly guzzled down the water, dripping some down my chin. Dom wiped it away with a single touch of his finger.

 

“I think I’m going to take a shower,” I said a short while later. I felt gross, like I was completely matted with sweat and tears.

 

“Need any help?”

 

I shook my head and quietly excused myself. My legs were still shaky as I stood, letting the water wash over me and run into the different crevices of my body. I took my time washing my hair and my body, eventually sitting down and closing my eyes to try and relax.

 

“Matt?” came Dom’s voice from behind the cracked door. “You okay?” He swung it open and walked into the steamy room. His eyes had bags underneath his eyes and his hair way pushed back off his forehead, messy. He looked so tired, exhausted even, and I felt it was all my fault.

 

“I’ll be right out,” I said quickly, moving to rinse myself once more before turning off the hot water.

 

Returning to bed in a fresh pair of boxers and a clean tee shirt made me feel a lot better. I curled up next to Dom, who was warm and soft compared to my chilled and angular body. His arms wound carefully around me, pulling me into his chest as he snored quietly and peacefully. I wondered briefly if it was an automatic response in his sleep to pull me close. The thought warmed my heart.

 

“Love you,” he mumbled sleepily.

 

I smiled, taking a long and only slightly shaky breath through my nose and closing my eyes. Bright lights danced across my vision, bouncing and spinning and spiraling into nothing. I finally felt at peace that night with images of color and opportunity instead of darkness and hatred. I could feel Dom’s arms occasionally squeezing me in time with his breathing, a simple reminder that he was still there and would be for however long I wanted him to be.

 

I could not lie to myself; I would have Dom for the rest of my life.

  
  
  
  



	41. Chapter 41

When I got the call from Officer Nicholls to come down to the police station, I could hardly believe my good luck. It was like after months and months of pain, everything was going right, and I finally had the opportunity to show Dom just how much I loved him, even though I told him every chance I had. Still, I found myself doing everything I could to impress him; I thrived off of his happiness. It was like the blood that pumped through me, keeping me breathing and alive. 

“You ready?” I asked quietly, touching the palm of his hand, trying not to let my excitement get ahead of me. The last time I’d gotten ahead of myself with him, he left me for close to a year and I almost killed myself multiple times.

His hand grasped tightly around mine, squeezing just the right amount. “I am. Now let’s go. I’m excited to see this surprise.” He winked and then we were out the door and walking to the car.

As I pulled up to the station, I was so goddamn nervous. So fucking goddamn nervous I could’ve been sick right there on the street. And when Dom nervously asked “What are we doing here?”, there was suddenly white noise in my ears as I began to wonder why the hell I’d thought up this idea. Was this even a good idea in the first place?

I said nothing to him though, but squeezed his hand to at least make it seem like I was okay. We walked into the station, nodding at Officer Nicholls who gave us both a smile. “Hello Matt, Dom.”

We both tipped our heads in acknowledgement, a knowing smile coming across Officer Nicholls’ face. Dom looked around, a nervous and excited smile on his face. I placed a chaste kiss to his cheekbone, reassuring myself more than him that everything was okay. 

“Okay Matt, I have to ask, what the hell is going on?” he asked as I brought him to a line of chairs. “When you said ‘surprise’ I thought you’d mean, like, dinner out or something. I’m getting kind of, I don’t know, nervous?”

Now was the time. It was going to happen and I couldn’t chicken out so I spit the words out as quickly as I could as we sat down in the chairs, just before Officer Nicholls opened the door that was just across from us. 

“I’m so sorry for what I did and this is the only thing I could think of that could somehow make it all better and I’m sorry this is probably too far I’m just sorry please.” 

My words came out in a quick, unintelligible blur and there was a pounding in my head from nerves. Officer Nicholls—oblivious to what I’d just said because he was too busy smiling at Dom’s face—opened the door and stepped to the side. There was a woman behind him, about Paul’s age, give or take a few years. Her long blonde hair shimmered with youth, looking to belong to someone half her age. Her soft grey eyes showed kindness, her face a soft pale color showing accents from the sun’s rays. Her slightly too big ears stuck out from her blonde hair, and her teeth shone like the moon.

I knew all this from simply a picture shown to me a few days earlier, for I was not looking at the woman. For all I knew, she wasn’t even there, and Officer NIcholls had instead brought in a homeless man from the streets. My gaze was held on Dom, his eyes scanning the person in the doorway up and down. I nervously squeezed his hand, holding my breath and fearing he would run away before finally turning to see the woman with my own eyes for the first time. Her eyes, young but holding something raw and emotional, had gathered tears, much like Dom’s. 

I held my hand out, pulling Dom—the man I hoped somehow deep inside his heart still loved me—up from the chair and giving him an encouraging nod.

“Go,” I whispered to him.

Suddenly our hands were disconnected and the chair he had been sitting in had toppled to the ground in his rush forward. I watched as he ran fast, nearly toppling over as he buried himself in the blonde woman’s wide open arms. For the first time in over a decade and a half, a mother held her own son in her arms.

“Mum,” Dom choked out, hiding his face in the curve of Pippa Howard’s armpit as she wrapped both arms around her child protectively.

“Oh Dom,” she sobbed, kissing his tear stained cheeks.

Tears cascaded down my face as I watched the two, so in tune with one another even after years apart. Their bodies rocked back and forth as they reunited, the sound of sniffles and tears filling the room. I just caught a glimpse of a smile on Dom’s face, and suddenly I was filled with relief. It was okay. It was all okay.

~

“I can’t believe you managed to do this,” Dom whispered. His eyes were still shining with both shed and unshed tears, his hand grasping my own tightly. We were sat in the car, waiting for Dom’s mum to join us. We’d decided to go back to our home to allow Dom and Pippa to talk in a more comfortable environment. It’d been a shaky and emotional hour for all of us, and a hot cuppa and some good food was needed.

“It was mostly Officer Nicholls,” I said quietly.

“Yes but you put it together,” he said softly, looking me straight in the eyes. “You are the most caring and genuine man I’ve ever met.”

I blushed a deep scarlet color, always feeling awkward when complimented. I tried to think of something to say in reply, but thankfully was interrupted by Pippa opening up the car door and sitting inside. She was quiet, but reached up and put her hand on Dom’s shoulder, squeezing it lovingly.

As I drove us home, the faint sound of Kurt Cobain’s voice floated through the speakers along with the soft strums of an acoustic guitar. It was pleasant, the environment in the vehicle. I hummed softly to myself, my way of keeping a grip on reality. And every time I looked over at my right and saw Dom sitting there in the passenger seat, I grew more and more sure of my reality. When we arrived home, Dom got out first, opening the door for his mum and leading her to the front door where he unlocked it, Soldier barking happily.

Pippa immediately was to her knees cooing at Soldier and stroking her hands through his fur. “Oh he is so lovely, Dominic. So lovely!” Soldier wagged his tail and licked her glasses. Pippa giggled, standing up again as we all entered the house, together, as a family.

~

“Here you are, Mum,” said Dom, walking into the sitting room with two cups of tea in his hand. “Black, two sugars just the way you like it. I think. I can’t remember.” A small, sad smile cast over Pippa’s face, and she patted the sofa next to her. I was sat on the piano bench with Soldier between my knees as he watched over his family protectively.

“Evie is going to be over the moon to see you again.”

In all the excitement, I’d nearly forgotten about Dom’s younger sister, Evie. We’d learned she was in Lancaster studying to be a social worker and would be home on holiday soon and that home was a small cottage in Essex where Pippa worked as a waitress. It seemed she’d really made a life for herself after escaping the grasps of the piece of dog shit that was Dom’s father.

“Does she remember me?” Dom asked his mum nervously.

“She does, love,” said Pippa. Tears were gathering in her eyes as she held onto his hand tight. “Not a day goes by that we don’t think about you. Not a day goes by that I don’t hate myself for leaving you with him.”

“It’s okay, Mum. It’s okay,” said Dom, moving forward to kiss her forehead and wrap his arms around her.

I quietly excused myself, figuring they were about to have a pretty deep and emotional discussion. I moved into the kitchen, deciding to prepare the chicken breasts for dinner while they talked. Soldier followed me into the kitchen, sitting obediently at my feet.

“Hey buddy,” I said softly, leaning down to rub at his ears. “That’s Dom’s mum out there. She’s part of the family now. Is that okay?” He wagged his tail in approval and I gave him another pat, standing up to start cooking the night’s meal.

~

The night before my first day back to work, I started to panic. Pippa had been over for dinner again and had just left. We were still cleaning up the kitchen when I began to panic, my body seizing up for no reason at all. 

Dom quickly threw the sponge he was using to clean dishes into the sink basin, his arms quickly going around me and gently lowering me to the floor.

Everything was spinning and I couldn’t breathe. I felt like I was dying as my chest constricted, large amounts of pain shooting through my whole body. If Dom was talking to me, I couldn’t hear him because everything was ringing and needles were being shoved into my ears, covering up the screams of myself and others, whoever they were.

I didn’t notice it, but the word “please” was coming out of my mouth repeatedly, almost inaudible beneath my gulping breaths. I squeezed my eyes shut as tight as I could, trying desperately to pull myself out of this panic and back to my reality. I couldn’t do it. I just sat there, screaming, crying, pulling, whatever it was I was doing. It was painful, it was humiliating, and it was real.

~

“Hey,” Dom said quietly, softly pushing the door of the bedroom closed as he made his way toward me. After my panic attack had seized, I’d taken a bath and gone to bed immediately, too ashamed of myself to try and do anything else. 

“Hi,” I replied from beneath my wall of blankets.

Dom got in on his side, immediately putting his arms around me. My head found his chest, and he was warm. He pressed gentle kisses to the top of my head, mumbling something incoherent as I processed the evening I was leaving behind me. “You don’t need to be ashamed of yourself, Matt,” said Dom, interrupting my train of thought. “Like, I know you know that and that your mind is just not allowing yourself to remember it, but just, I want to remind you.”

I was silent.

“And I’m just going to keep reminding you, okay? Because you deserve to know. You deserve to know more than any other person in this world.”

“I don’t think I deserve anything,” I finally said, quietly.

“No no no,” said Dom. “What can I do to make you understand that that is not true?”

“I don’t know,” I whispered.

Dom’s arms tightened when I said those words, moving slightly so we were moving in a sort of rocking motion. It was soothing, therapeutic. “I love you,” Dom mumbled as we rocked. “We’re going to get this all figured out one day. I wouldn’t have it any other way.”

I nodded, pressing my face into his neck and blinking back the stray tears from earlier. He pressed kisses to the top of my head before lowering us back down into the safety and comfort of the bed. 

“It’ll all be okay.”

“Okay,” I whispered, telling myself I had to trust him. 

We were silent then for the rest of the night. I closed my eyes, curling up close to him so I could constantly feel his body against mine as I fell asleep. His breathing was my lullaby, and before I knew it, I was sound asleep and lost in my own dreams.

~

Work was okay. Many of my students and their families were so unbelievably loyal; they’d simply adjusted and agreed to be taught by a substitute piano teacher during my absence whom Gloria had personally picked out.

So many asked what had happened. My situation had been explained to their mothers and fathers, but it was up to me to tell the kids as each came in for their lesson and sat down on the bench. It all went okay. 

“I was worried that you got eaten up by a monster!” one of my students exclaimed the second he arrived.

I smiled, shaking all my limbs to test they were still there. “Nope,” I said. “No monster got ahold of me!” The irony was unbelievable.

But I managed to push through. The rest of the day went off without a hitch, my made-up story of some weird strain of chickenpox convincing all my students; kids will believe anything, and the small white scars all over my arms just convinced them further.

After lunch with Chris, I just had two more students, and before I knew it, Dom was walking in to the studio to pick me up. We chatted quietly with Gloria for a few minutes before taking off, his hand instinctively going for my own. He squeezed it tightly, kissing my cheek as we walked out onto the street.

“How was your day?” he asked cheerily.

“It was okay,” I replied, giving him a smile and a nod. “Yeah, went well I suppose.”

“Good. I’m taking you out for dinner to celebrate. Anything you want, you decide.”

God, I was so blessed to have him, to be treated so well by him. We ended up at a small Italian bistro with a candle and bottle of Chianti between us. It was dim and romantic, but not too fancy that we felt out of place in our casual street clothes. When our meals were placed in front of us—mushroom risotto for him and chicken picatta for me—the environment was easy-going. I felt relaxed and safe, and as we discussed our days, things just felt normal, like we were any other couple in London enjoying a nice meal.

And in bed, later that night, it was exactly the same. Riding above him, throwing my head back and moving my hips back and forth, back and forth, I felt so normal. Sex and euphoria was streaming through my veins and I was a person: a healthy, living, breathing, totally in love person.

I made sure he knew, whimpering his name and mumbling the words “I love you” incoherently over and over again as he came inside of me and I collapsed on top of him, breathing heavily. Our bodies stuck together from sweat and come. We were both numb, boneless. I felt so heavy on top of him, my weight completely dead. I couldn’t move even if I wanted to. Everything was bliss, just the two of us lying there, still connected. 

“As much as I would love to stay like this forever,” Dom finally said a few minutes later. “My bum is starting to fall asleep and I’m all sticky.”

I giggled, maneuvering off of him and to the side so he could stand to get up. He smiled at me, leaning down to kiss me. I quickly captured his bottom lip between my teeth, nibbling gently.

“Matt,” he said, pulling off. “Don’t distract me.”

I pouted, but allowed him to get up anyway. He came back a few moment later with a wet towel, which I gratefully accepted. I wiped myself clean, throwing the towel carelessly to the side and burrowing back down into the warm blankets. 

“We should go to Italy,” Dom said a few minutes after getting into bed and turning off the lights.

“What?” I asked, taken aback.

“Yeah, why not? We could take a holiday. You’ve told me you have money saved, from your mum and dad, yeah? We could both take a week off, get out of the city. We can go wine tasting and learn to make pasta and all that stuff you do in the Italian countryside and have a proper romantic holiday.”

“You would want to do that?” I asked, turning to him and placing my hand on his, tracing his knuckles.

“Yes.”

“Okay.”

“Okay?”

“Let’s do it. Let’s go to Italy.”

I could see Dom’s smile in the dark of our room, or rather, could hear it. I snuggled into him, his arms wrapping around me the way they always did. “I love you, Matt,” he whispered. “I’m so thankful to be yours.”

Mine. “You belong to no one but yourself,” I said quickly.

“I know that,” he replied. “But I want to share that with you. I want to share everything with you.”

“I want to share everything with you, too.”

“Matt?”

“Yes?”

I heard shuffling, Dom’s arms leaving me for a second. Suddenly the room was bathed in light from his bedside lamp. He was sitting up, his hair tossed in random directions which was so fucking adorable I almost couldn’t handle it. He was looking at me with intention, studying me. “What you’ve done for me... I just. How has all this happened?”

“What do you mean?” I asked, confused. Everything I’d done for him was just being a human being; it was the same thing anyone would have done.

“No no,” he said, shaking his head. “I know what you’re about to say. Don’t pull that ‘Anyone would’ve done it’ thing. It’s not true. You know how I know that? I was on those streets for years. And besides Tom, you were the first person to actually do something.”

“But-”

“Nope! Don’t be stubborn and just admit that you’re an amazing person who genuinely cares so damn much about people.”

“I... I don’t know what to say,” I admitted. 

“Just... Please recognize it. I will help you, yeah?”

“I do want to try,” I said. “I just... Don’t feel special.”

“You are special, Matt. And I love you.”

“I love you too,” I whispered, curling up into him as tight as I could. His arms wrapped around me and he kissed me to sleep. And briefly, even if it was just for a moment, I felt like a good person.


End file.
